Misadventures in Atlanta Blog is on the Move!
Attention Readers! We have moved! The Misadventures in Atlanta Blog can be found here. The new technology will improve our blog and commenting experience. Update your bookmarks and RSS feeds!
AJC.com > Living > Blog > Archives > 2007 > March
March 2007
Leaving Atlanta
The Atlanta Journal-Constitution
A funny thing happened to me while I was leaving Atlanta. It’s like I suddenly got added to the most wanted single girl list or something! Perhaps I had a fantastic glow that made men take notice. I mean I was brimming with anticipation, anxiety, and eagerness!
At the Marta station, I was approached by the nicest guy who asked me where I was headed. Of course, I gushed about my impending adventures in South Africa! He gave me his number and said that he would like to take me out when I got back. COOL!
Then as I hopped off the train at Hartsfield-Jackson, a slightly younger, totally adorable guy glanced my way and smiled warmly. He said, “Has anyone ever told you that you are beautiful?” (Gee, flattery gets you everywhere, anyone?). Well, I blushed anyway, I mean, I am a girl! I replied, “Well, not today! So thank you for making my day!”
In each town we visited, of course, our lovely group of women attracted attention wherever we went! It seemed like every day, men would approach us. They were really curious about us, and some flirted shamelessly.
Finally, while waiting for my connecting flight to Atlanta at the Washington, DC airport, this guy a few seats over struck up a conversation with me. He has already called and says he would like to visit me here in Atlanta soon. Gee, maybe I should leave Atlanta more often. Who knew?
Have you ever considered moving to another city to increase your likelihood of meeting someone?
Have you ever met someone on your vacation that turned out to be a great date or long-term relationship?
Dr. Kym, our resident relationship expert, sent me a Forbes article that listed the best places for singles. Atlanta is not exactly in the top 10. We landed the 14th slot. Does this surprise you?
For all you single people, are you fairly confident that you can find someone in Atlanta? For the coupled up people, did you meet your mate in Atlanta or somewhere else?
Have you used online dating to mingle with single people in other cities or countries? How far is too far for you?
Did you relocate to Atlanta in hopes to find someone? If so, how’s that working out for you? Any regrets or plans to hit the next best city for singles?
To all the Spring Breakers, teachers, parents, or vacationers traveling next week, please be careful and have fun. Wear lots of protection and I am not just talking SPF!
HAPPY FRIDAY!
Permalink | Comments (354) | Categories: Atlanta
Sometimes I get a little crazy
The Atlanta Journal-Constitution
When I am dating a really great new guy, I tend to get a little crazy. I get those blasted butterflies in the pit of my stomach. I can’t stop thinking about him. I want to be with him all the time. I love the way he smells, laughs, looks at me. Total and complete bliss. It’s the best feeling in the world being smitten!
It’s also one of the more dangerous times because judgment gets clouded so easily. You become vulnerable and a little stupid. Then you make decisions that you wouldn’t have under any other circumstances. Your logic and reasoning goes on holiday and what’s left is infatuation induced behavior. UGH, the horror!
There is hope for us romantics though. You only have to find a way to temper your emotions. Find a happy balance: Keep seeing your friends and don’t break too many girl’s or boy’s night out. Don’t move in with your new guy or girl within the first few months.
When you are smitten with someone you are dating, do you get a little crazy?
Do you find yourself doing things you never thought you would ever do? Is this good or bad?
Jamie Foxx is coming to town this weekend so I decided to watch my dvd, Breaking All The Rules, one of his earlier films. It’s a romantic comedy co-starring Gabrielle Union. There was one scene with Jamie’s character and Gabrielle Union’s character on a first date that always makes me laugh. Jamie waxes poetic about love after Gabrielle asked him an “ice breaker” question:
“So, what’s the strangest thing that you know?”
“Can’t bite through your own skin.”
“What?”
“It’s impossible. First law of nature: Self-preservation. You can’t do it, because you’re selfish.”
“I can’t bite through my own flesh, because I’m too selfish?”
“Try to”
“No”
“Bite into yourself”
“That’s lame”
“Bite yourself”
“All right”
“You want some hot sauce?”
“I can’t bite into my skin, because I’m sane”
“It’s the same thing, biologically speaking. See, if you’re not selfish, that means you’re crazy and you could do it”
“What about if you care about someone more than you care about yourself?”
“First, why would you do that? Second, are you talking about love?”
“Yeah. Love”
“If someone is in love, therefore not selfish, then he or she is crazy and could bite through his or her own flesh”
“So being in love and being crazy are one and the same?”
“It’s obvious”
Do you agree with that? Being crazy and being in love is one and the same?
Have any of you ever had crazy behavior in dating and relationships?
Do you think we are all just a little crazy to want love? Why do we do it?
When it comes to dating and relationships how do you handle this crazy thing we call love?
Permalink | Comments (222) | Categories: Relationships
Don’t I Know You?
The Atlanta Journal-Constitution
Sawubona! (That means Hello in Zulu) and Molo! (Hello in Xhoso). Yes, I took notes and yes, I am a complete nerd, so what!
Hello my sweeties! I hope you are all doing well!
Thanks to Laney for covering for me! I had a ball reading last week’s entries! Wow, Bella rocks! She fit right into the blog groove, didn’t she? (Suhweet!)
My trip to South Africa (oh and Zimbabwe!) was everything I hoped it would be and more. Lots of great stories to tell and tons of pictures (seriously, over 600!). I am still on a travel high! I am still slightly jet lagged so if I get super quiet today, forgive me. I am probably just nodding off!
Since the internet was out in my building yesterday, I decided to walk to Mellow Mushroom for a calzone and free wifi! I settled into a nice quiet booth and started to reconnect to my “e-life”. A few minutes later, this guy approached me and used the dreaded, “Don’t I know you from somewhere?” line. I was tired and cranky, so that just didn’t go over so well. Then I realized, I had actually met this guy before.
It was “Ted”, a guy I met at a fight party last year at someone’s home. Ted was engaged to be married when we met. Apparently, he didn’t recall that I met him and his fiancee that night. So much for me being unforgettable! Ted sat down and flirted suggestively, completely oblivious about where (or how) we actually met. Guys really should try to keep track of the women they come on to!
I finally put an end to his little pseudo-bachelor charade:
“So, how are the wedding plans coming along? Wasn’t your fiancee trying to book The Four Seasons?” (Ya’ll, the look on his face was PRICELESS!). He was shocked to realize that I knew he was getting married and had even met his fiancee. I had exchanged business cards with her that night because we were discussing a project she needed help with. I think I have her card saved but I was too tired to dig it up last night. Would it be wrong to shoot her an email about her slimy husband to be?
This is a classic example on how tough it is to date in Atlanta sometimes. Just figuring out the person’s single status can be challenging. Not to mention the blatant lies single people tell to impress a date.
Is this an epidemic on the dating scene? Are single people using lies to get laid?
Have you ever been in a situation where you found out the person you were dating was seriously seeing someone else too? How did you handle it?
The dating game can be exhausting and sometimes you really have to sharpen your senses! Do you think there is there a surefire way to tell that the person you want to date is really single?
Ted reminded me of a few “players” (or losers?) that I run into from time to time. They juggle many dates in different cities and make false promises of a future. I always wonder how these people really maintain multiple relationships.
Are you juggling relationships or dates lately? Where do you find the time? How can you afford it? Why do you do it?
Permalink | Comments (314) | Categories: Dating
The voice of reason
The Atlanta Journal-Constitution
Good morning, blog!
Last night my girlfriends and I were talking about relationships we’ve been in that were completely — I mean completely — wrong for us that we wished someone would have talked us out of earlier. The thing, is, we each noted friends who had tried to warn us about our stupidity, and we had simply been too — fill in the blank here — stubborn, stupid, obsessed, ignorant — to listen to them.
Most of the times the relationship was not actually dangerous (read: abusive) in our situations, but simply a matter of someone who an objective observer could see was not a good fit for us. And, ultimately, we all ended these relationships for the very reasons people had warned us about.
They say love is blind, but is this type of blindness something we grow out of as we age? I would like to think that I am older and wiser now, but I see other women who are making the same type of dating mistakes I made 10 years ago, and I wonder, maybe it’s not an issue of how much you’ve dated but a question of maturity.
For those of you who’ve never been in this situation, congratulations! You’re amazing! But for the rest of us, have you ever been warned by a friend about the person you’re dating? Did that person turn out to be right later? Did it hurt your friendship when you weren’t receptive to this person’s advice?
Have you had multiple relationships like this? What was it that made you finally start looking at your relationships a little more objectively? Does it matter whether the person giving you advice is male or female? Is there advice about this issue you wish someone had given you before you ever started dating? What advice would you give to people entering the dating realm?
Have you ever been the friend trying to give the advice? Are your friends ever receptive if you point out that the person they’re dating is not marriage material, but a time-waster?
I want to end today by saying thanks for letting me read, write and laugh out loud with you this week! We have so many different perspectives and backgrounds on this blog that it broadens everyone’s horizons, including mine. Have a great weekend!
Permalink | Comments (335) | Categories: Dating
Meet the parents
The Atlanta Journal-Constitution
My friend Mona had the big “meet-the-parents” date this weekend with her beau of 5ish months. And I thought, five months? With her track record, I felt like five months was maybe a little to early to be investing time in his relatives. Especially because she seems to bounce from boyfriend to boyfriend.
Of course, I’m incredibly protective of my personal life, especially my family, and I hold off on anyone meeting my parents for as long as possible. Because you never know; if you break up with someone shortly afterward, then you’ve wasted your parents’ time on that person (if you view the meeting in a solely we’re-interviewing-you-to-marry-our-daughter-or-son sort of way).
Additionally, so many people I know have such horrible relationships with their mother/father/both that introducing a significant other to their parents doesn’t even cross their minds.
So how many people actually do the whole meet-the-parents deal anymore? And for those who do feel it’s important to introduce your boyfriends/girlfriends/significant others to your parents, what’s your timeline? Does it vary according to how the relationship is progressing? Are you conservative with this action, or does it not matter to you who meets your family?
Is there someone else in your life, whose opinion/friendship is more important to you than your parents, to whom you introduce SOs? A best friend? An uncle? Your social circle?
What if you’re on the other side? Do you worry or wonder if you haven’t met someone’s parents after, say, eight months? A year? Two years?
Permalink | Comments (179) | Categories: Relationships
Accidentally in love
The Atlanta Journal-Constitution
This week my friend Naomi and I have been reflecting on the history of her love life. She mentioned that since her failed marriage, she has been in love with two other men; one of them is the man she is currently dating. I remember a long time ago during her courtship with her husband, Seth, she would periodically refer to him as “The One” and note that she was “falling in love” with him.
Commenting that she is now older, wiser, and more mature than she was before her first marriage, I asked her if she still thinks love is truly accidental, as in, you fall in love and have little to no say in the matter, or if it is mostly by choice.
She responded that she thinks love is a choice, but also that it can fade, which doesn’t really answer the question.
What do you think? I’m not talking about lust here. Any fine lady or man walking by can cause us to open our eyelids a little wider. And I’m a firm believer that the initial attraction must be there for any relationship to be successful.
But on a deeper level, once you get past the obvious recognition of someone’s physical appearance, how much choice or decision do you have in the matter of love? Is it a cosmic aligning of the planets, is it a meeting of the pheromones, or are you entirely responsible for each one of your actions while dating?
When you end a relationship, have you “fallen out of love”? Or do one or both of the parties choose to bail out?
Have you ever dated someone you knew was wrong for you, but for some strange reason just felt like you couldn’t make yourself get out of the relationship?
What about those people you just can’t seem to stop crushing on, no matter what you do?
Has anyone ever broken up with you by telling you that they fell out of love with you? Have you done the same?
Especially for those of you who are married or divorced, do you think it’s possible to simply “fall out of love” with someone? Or do one or both of the parties have to start making poor relational decisions?
Permalink | Comments (250) | Categories: Matters of the Heart
Come here often?
The Atlanta Journal-Constitution
You know the scene, ladies. You’re in the club/bar. The hotter-than-hot Denzel-look-alike approaches you. He asks if it hurt when you fell from heaven. He buys you a drink.
And maybe you’re interested. So you exchange digits and get together the next week, only to find out that he’s…living at home…or clinically insane…or so arrogant and rude that you walk out on the date.
Whatever the case, the man you thought you were interested in the weekend before turns out to be a complete disappointment because he’s not your type. However thorough your questioning was at the bar, it didn’t prepare you for the “real him.”
How do you distinguish quality dating material when you’re meeting people in a crowded venue with so many distractions? Everyone’s on his or her best behavior when they’re out. And besides, chances are that person is going to look and act much differently while lounging in sweat pants, watching TV movies on Sunday afternoon than they do when you meet them.
Have you ever met someone who turned out to be drastically different from what you thought once you went on a few dates with them?
As far as meeting people is concerned, is there an alternate way? A method in which you can meet people for who they really are?
Where do you go? The grocery store? The library? A coffee shop? Is there a place you go to meet people that gives you a better dose of someone’s true personality — thus potentially giving you a better chance at a successful relationship with them down the road?
Permalink | Comments (187) | Categories: Mix & Mingle
The magic ingredient?
The Atlanta Journal-Constitution
Good morning, blog! Thanks to all of you and to Laney for letting me step in this week! I consider myself honored to hang out with you for a while. (And thanks for bearing with us during technical difficulties this morning!)
On Friday, Laney asked, in honor of St. Patrick’s Day, if any of us were “lucky” in love. I’d have to say my parents, who were married on that day 34 years ago, are indeed very lucky. But when you ask them about their healthy marriage, it’s not luck they attribute.
“It’s all about sacrifice,” my mother will tell you, and then detail the ways in which both she and my father have given up small things for each other.
For example, my mother drives with my father to Tuscaloosa, Ala. every football weekend in the fall, even though she cares nothing for football. And my father relinquishes much of the control when my mother dreams up extravagant designs for redecorating our house. Neither of them is a doormat, but they do seem to sacrifice the small stuff in order to be happy together.
My question is this: Can you boil down a successful marriage (or a long-term, committed relationship, for those of us not looking for marriage) to one basic principle? Sacrifice? Honesty? Integrity? Communication?
Is there one major trait, practice, or characteristic upon which successful relationships are built? Or is it really a hundred different elements that must combine equally for marriage to work?
Is this particular characteristic or practice obvious when you’re first dating someone, or is it something that you have to dig down deeper to discover?
Kiss me, I’m Irish! (No, really, I am!)
The Atlanta Journal-Constitution
First of all, I’d like to send a big THANK YOU to my colleague Bella, who has graciously volunteered to fill in for Wise Diva and I next week while we’re traveling all over the world. Bella is great and I think you guys will like her, so be nice and welcome her!
So, tomorrow is St. Patrick’s Day — not traditionally a romantic holiday. Well, it involves a lot of beer, and that sometimes can facilitate “romance,” but other than that…not so much. However, I am of the opinion that any day can be romantic if you put a little effort into it! With that in mind, St. Patrick’s Day is also all about luck, and as most of us know, luck is a huge part of dating. Without it, we’d probably all be single forever!
Just ask Lindsay Lohan: She had that awful movie “Just My Luck” a year or so ago, where she was the luckiest girl in the world, until she accidentally “gave her luck away” to the guy who she was kissing. I think she’s probably been wishing for some of that luck in real life lately to get away from relationships like some of the ones she’s been in!
Do you consider yourself “lucky in love”? Why or why not?
What incidents in your dating life can you chalk up to good (or bad) luck?
What are your “lucky charms” in love? Do you have a favorite outfit, jewelry or a piece of underwear that you “get lucky” every time you wear?
Which is more important in your dating life: Luck, or the things you can control?
And I’ll state for the record, the McDonalds shamrock shake used to be my favorite thing on earth, and they don’t have it anymore, so if anyone can whip up a reasonable approximation, you’ll certainly win my heart.
Permalink | Comments (144) | Categories: Holidays
Keeping the dogs at bay
The Atlanta Journal-Constitution
Hi guys! Here today to fill in for Wise Diva who is off trotting the globe, before I embark on my own international adventure next week (spring breaking in Mexico — I better come back with some stories from that!)
As I was sifting through my bookshelf looking for appropriate beach reading material, I came across one of my favorite “chick lit” choices: Bridget Jones’ Diary (and before the guys out there cringe, I’ll have you know that I saw the movie adaptation of it with my ex-boyfriend, who admitted that he really enjoyed it).
One of Bridget’s running comments whenever a relationship goes badly is that she’s afraid she is going to die alone and be found, weeks later, half-devoured by Alsatians. Late in the novel, when she’s waiting for a guy to call, she wails, “Why hasn’t Mark Darcy rung me? Why? Why? Am going to be eaten by Alsatian despite all efforts to the contrary.”
Whether we mean it literally or not, I think a lot of us have this feeling sometimes. We worry that we’re never going to find “the one” and that we’re going to end up alone — at least, sometimes I worry about that! Considering how important confidence is to attracting a partner, it’s a bad worry to have…not to mention it drives you crazy at the time.
Do you ever feel worried that you’re going to end up all alone? Obviously Bridget exaggerates a little bit, but can you relate to her worries?
What do you do to deal with these worries?
Even if you are with someone, do you worry about it ending and you being left alone?
How can we enjoy being alone instead of worrying about what’s ahead?
Permalink | Comments (237) | Categories: Matters of the Heart
All around the world
The Atlanta Journal-Constitution
I am packing my diva bags! It’s time for me to experience new adventures - something totally different. Different culture, music, food, language, different continent! I am South Africa bound and I am so excited I can hardly stand it! I leave in t minus 24 hours and counting. Of course, I had to load up my trusty ipod for the long, long, long, journey. I chose Lisa Stansfield’s classic song, All Around the World, to be my background music as I packed my things.
Been around the world and I can’t find my baby!
Now I’m not so hard up that I would go chasing guys all around the world, but I sure can remember a time when I was hot on the trail to replace one! Not just any replacement either. I call it my “Chasing Amy Phase”. No, I wasn’t chasing a girl named Amy, I am referring one of my favorite movies, Chasing Amy.
In one scene, Ben Affleck’s character tells his love interest: “You’re the epitome of everything I look for in a human being.” Can you imagine meeting that kind of person? Would you let them know they were your prototype?
Well after I met and lost my prototype, I was chasing a dream - a NEW prototype of my ex-boyfriend. Never mind the fact that my ex didn’t want to be anywhere near me. Now that he was out of my life, I wanted someone just like him.
You want to know what’s worse than pining away for your ex? Wishing you can find someone just like him. Comparing every poor guy you date to him. LOSE-LOSE.
Have you ever been in a situation where you constantly compare your dates to someone you are still hung up on? How did you handle it?
How do you cope with those lingering regrets you may have about the way you treated someone you dated? Do you make amends? Send them muffins? Offer to pay for the smashed dvds?
Are any of you going through a Chasing Amy Phase, so to speak?
If you met the “epitome of everything you look for in a human being” are you really prepared for what that actually means? Be honest!
Permalink | Comments (245) | Categories: About Wise Diva
The Hooking Up Culture
The Atlanta Journal-Constitution
Yesterday we talked about the changing trends that would likely impact the future dating scene. What about the time-honored “why buy the cow” mantra that mothers and grandmothers often preached to their daughters? Young college girls are growing up today in a different time than their mothers, and maybe even sisters did. Now, “hooking up” is prevalent among the younger adults. Many young women have no problem pursuing guys to hook up. Did the mantra skip a generation?
One author wrote about the impact hooking up has had on young women. In her book, “Unhooked: How Young Women Pursue Sex, Delay Love and Lose at Both”, Ms. Sessions, a Washington Post reporter wrote: “This culture of sexual aggression often leaves young women physically and emotionally unsatisfied. It leads them to gamble with their health. And by never taking the time to get to know and care about one man, young women may be rendering themselves incapable of forging stable, loving relationships”
Do you agree with this hypothesis?
If you are in college or recently graduated, did you experience more hooking up or long-term relationships? What about the seasoned daters? Did you have years of hooking up, playing the field, before you began to take dating more seriously?
How has hooking up affected your perception about dating and making real connections? Do you think years of having friends with benefits and hooking up has made us cynical in dating?
Not many guys would complain about women hooking up with them, but is it really “all good” in the end?
Permalink | Comments (315) | Categories: Current Events
Back to the Future
The Atlanta Journal-Constitution
Last week, Laney discussed the ways dating has changed over the last ten years and the impact online dating has made. This made me wonder about the future of dating and relationships. If we continue with current trends, and perhaps brace for more dating trends, how will the gender dynamics continue to change?
Will women pursue men more or less?
Will we still want to get married or will more of us decide to cohabitate first?
Do you think we will have more Brad & Angelinas - having children and sharing custody? Or will there be more traditional couples like Will and Jada Smith - married with children?
What about gay unions?
If you could predict the dating scene of 2017, how would you describe it?
There is already one dating trend among single women that I remember reading about a few years ago. Apparently, some single women decided hit the snooze buttons on their biological clocks, so to speak, by freezing their viable eggs. Supposedly, this took the “pressure” off so that they didn’t feel that they had to pick any Tom, Dick, or Harry to marry, just to procreate in their 20s. They feel that it buys them more time to casually date, without the expiration date looming on their ovaries.
What are your thoughts about this? Have you met any women who decided to take this route? Did it change their dating habits and attitudes about the dating scene?
Permalink | Comments (330) | Categories: Dating
I’m all in, or I’m on the way out
The Atlanta Journal-Constitution
My friend has a new girlfriend. Things are going great. He should be absolutely over the moon about it. But instead, he writes this:
“Approximately 50% of me is completely enthralled with all this. Approximately 50% of me is deathly afraid of all this.
“I’m beginning to think there’s just something implanted within the souls of men that makes us a little bit squirrelly in these moments of contentment. It’s been a really long time since I’ve been in something which can feasibly be considered a “normal relationship” — ie. something without a rational easy out like ‘she lives in another city’ or ‘realistically neither of us want this to be serious or can even stand one another for long durations of time anyway’ or ‘she is moving away soon’ and it feels good, but I haven’t had to shift gears in so long that, even though I want to, I feel hesitant about doing so.”
Ah….the old classic. Fear of commitment.
I have to say, this is not something I’ve ever really struggled with. When I’m in, I’m “all in,” in the words of Luke Danes on Gilmore Girls. Either I don’t like someone at all, or I like them a LOT and am ready to commit. It’s hard for me to run in middle gear.
I think my friend is wrong about one thing though — it’s not just men who are afraid to commit. I am sure there are plenty of guys who feel like me, but also plenty of women who run scared at the sign of impending seriousness in a relationship.
So what gives? Are you afraid of commitment? If so, what are the classic signs that you’re about to bolt? Do you know where your fear stems from? Have you ever tried to fix it?
Is there anyone out there who is totally and permanently incapable of commitment, or can everyone do it with the right factors in place?
Have you ever been burned by someone who was commitment-phobic? What happened?
What advice would you give to someone like my friend, who is afraid of commitment simply because he hasn’t done it in a long time?
Permalink | Comments (304) | Categories: Dating
Asking guys out since 1997
The Atlanta Journal-Constitution
Had a conversation with a coworker yesterday — hi Rodney! — who has been married for quite a few years. He asked me whether I think the dating scene has changed a lot in the past decade or so; specifically, whether it’s become any more acceptable for women to ask men out.
Now, I haven’t been around and making study of this all that long. But my first impression was that online dating has leveled the playing field to some extent. It’s my experience that there’s no stigma or shyness for a woman to send a message to a man on Match.com or the like without first being contacted — it’s much easier, anyway, than approaching a guy in a bar. I don’t think anyone keeps track of who contacted who first, either — by the time you’ve exchanged a bunch of emails, the date just sort of happens, rather than someone specifically and formally asking.
In your opinion, is there a difference in the dating scene from how it was 10 years ago? What kind of difference? Positive or negative?
Do you think that online dating has changed the dating culture? In what ways?
Do you agree that it has become easier for women to approach men because of online dating?
Permalink | Comments (289) | Categories: Dating
The way you look tonight
The Atlanta Journal-Constitution
Normally my cultural references are a little more up to date than this, but I happened to catch “My Fair Lady” on the classic movie channel recently. I’m sure most of you are familiar with the story: Proper gentleman tries to transform rough-around-the-edges girl into perfect lady — both in terms of her behavior and appearance.
Now I know we all have our physical preferences when it comes to members of the opposite sex — this much has been made clear in here every day. But what happens when you date someone who’s close, but no cigar? Do you have your own Professor Higgins-ish tendencies?
I have had a guy pressure me about getting a certain piercing done (let’s call it a PG-13 rated one — I didn’t give in, though.) I’ve grown or cut my hair according to my boyfriend’s preference (the oh-so-subtle “oh honey, I just love your hair long”!) And I definitely have worn certain clothes or shoes that they preferred.
Have you ever asked a significant other to alter his or her appearance? If so, what did you ask them to do — cut or dye hair? Lose or gain weight? Wear certain things? Get breast implants? =)
Would you be willing to go along with your partner’s requests so that you “look better to them”? If not, would you consider it something you’d be willing to break up over?
What would you do if a partner pressured you to do something significant to your looks, like plastic surgery or weight-loss surgery or a drastic haircut?
Permalink | Comments (108) | Categories: Relationships
Passport to love
The Atlanta Journal-Constitution
Recently, I had the opportunity to chat with a woman who, while American-born and raised, has been living in Thailand for the past few months. I was just fascinated as she described the dating culture there! Of course, my first question to her was “Are the guys tall enough for you?” (Y’all know my obsession there…)
And she said they were, so with that cleared up, she talked about how different Thai men and women are from Americans in approaching the dating scene. Mainly, she discussed how innocent the dating rituals are there. On the second date, perhaps a couple would progress to….holding hands across the table.
My experience with dating internationally is somewhat limited. I’ve never dated a man here who was anything but born and raised in America. But while I was in college, I studied abroad in Italy. My observations there: Guys go out and flirt (very obviously/forwardly) and hang out at bars just like they do here — except they’re flirting with foreign women. Native Italian women under age 20 or even 25 tend not to go out much and be very consumed with family obligations.
So I asked a few friends for their experiences as well.
My friend Malia dated a gentleman who was born in Lebanon and grew up in Kuwait, moving to the United States when he was 15. She said she found him pretty “American-ized” and didn’t see much difference in his behavior compared with other men she had dated, except that he was occasionally more formal than she would have expected about some things, like meeting her parents.
And then I checked with my friend Bella, one of my most cosmopolitan gal pals. She rattled off a long list for me: “Spanish guy, met and dated in Spain; Ghanaian guy, met and dated in US, had been in the US a couple years; Senegalese guy, met and dated in US, had been in the US 6 years; French guy, met and dated in US, had been in the US 3 months.”
Her observations were that, overall, while there were some differences, “men around the world are more alike than different.” My favorite story she had to share: “I guess the French guy was the most different — he definitely had an attitude toward sex that maybe American guys have too but they hide it better. He tried desperately to sleep with me the first night we met, was shocked and affronted to be denied, and when I said that I needed to get to know him better first, said — I kid you not — ‘But in France getting to know someone and having sex — this is the same thing!’ He was serious, though; he thought of sex as just one of the ways you get to know someone.”
So what are your experiences? Have you ever dated a man or woman from another country? Did you do so here, or while living/staying/vacationing abroad? If so, what cultural differences did you encounter?
Would you prefer to date someone born and raised in America, or someone who has lived in a foreign country? Why?
Do you feel that international cultural divides enhance or complicate a relationship? Are they different than the cultural issues faced by two Americans of a different race, religion, etc?
Permalink | Comments (262) | Categories: Dating
Can I have another chance?
The Atlanta Journal-Constitution
It must be that season again…
In the past few weeks, two of my friends have broken up with the guys who they were seeing. This is notable mainly because they both described a similar situation: The breakup was amicable and seemed mutual, with both sides feeling like it needed to happen. In both cases, however, the guy approached the girl a couple of days afterward asking for another chance and claiming that he had given it some thought and wasn’t ready to end it after all.
In both cases, my friends were surprised by the sentiments, as they thought things were really pretty well over. In neither case were these women open to reconsidering.
Are these situations as common as recent history has led me to believe? When you break up with someone, do you ever consider that it might not really be over?
My high school boyfriend and I were off and on for a long time. We broke up when we went off to college, then decided a few months later to give it another try, which lasted another few months before we broke up for good. I haven’t had this experience again lately, though I have fallen victim to the post-breakup hookup.
Have you ever had a breakup that just wouldn’t quite stick? Did you give the person another chance? How did it work out? How did you finally resolve it?
Can it ever work to rekindle a flame once it’s been extinguished by one or more parties?
How would you react if someone asked you for a second chance? What factors might determine whether or not you give them one?
Permalink | Comments (195) | Categories: Breakups
Fears for tears
The Atlanta Journal-Constitution
I had been dating Kyle for about four months when he asked a strange question over dinner. He said, “Why haven’t I seen you cry?” I thought it was strange because not only did it seem like a random thing to ask, but he seemed bewildered about it.
“Why would I cry?”, I asked him, wondering if this was some sort of jedi mind trick question guys sometimes like to pull. Is he trying to find out if I am emotionally unstable?
He continued, “Well, I don’t know, why do women usually cry? For attention, to get what you want, to make me cave in, you know how ya’ll women do”. Now I am thinking, ok, is he serious or is he being facetious?
So he kept talking, “I know a lot of women that like to screw with your mind. It’s like they know when they are losing power so they turn on the waterworks. All they have to do is bring on the tears and the man pretty much does whatever he has to do to make it stop.”
I just told him, as a woman, I reserve the right to cry whenever I want to. However, as a general rule, I am of the “never let them see you sweat” generation of women when it comes to crying in front of a guy. If he isn’t my long-time boyfriend or husband, there is no need to be all vulnerable and weepy - but that’s just me. I am a big fan of feeling emotionally safe with a person but that usually takes a while, way more than four months, anyway.
After a little probing, I found out that Kyle had dated a drama queen before, so he was an “expert” on women who were emotional blackmailers. Her weapon of choice? Tears!
Have you ever cried in front of someone you are dating?
Guys, have you ever dated a woman who used tears to get her way?
Why do guys get so freaked out when their woman cries or reacts emotionally?
Ladies, are women really masters of emotional blackmail? Do you think we intentionally drive guys over the edge with crying and emotion? How would you react if a man you were dating cried in front of you?
Do men ever use the crying game with women?
Permalink | Comments (223) | Categories: Relationships
A cautionary tale
The Atlanta Journal-Constitution
A reader sent me this old Sufi parable a few weeks ago that I thought was very interesting:
One afternoon, a man and his friend escaped the afternoon’s sun in the cafe, drinking tea and talking about life and love.
“How come you never got married?” asked his friend.
Well…” the man said with a deep reflective thought that seemed to carry him back to a younger day.
“To tell you the truth, I spent my youth looking for the perfect woman. In Cairo, I met a beautiful and intelligent woman, with eyes like dark olives but she was unkind. Then in Baghdad, I met a woman who was a wonderful and generous soul, but we had no interests in common. One woman after another would seem just right, but there would always be something missing. Then one day, I met her. She was beautiful, intelligent, generous and kind. We had everything in common. In fact she was perfect.”
“Well,” said the man’s friend, “What happened? Why didn’t you marry her?”
The man sat back and sipped his tea reflectively. “Well,” he replied, “It’s a sad thing. Seems she was looking for the perfect man.”
I think this story reminds me of a lot of single people who seem to fall into the perfect woman/man trap. We seem to have an image in our heads about who we want to ultimately end up with. Ask just about any couple you meet and I bet many of them will say that their partner is not exactly who they imagined they would end up with. They would probably also be quick to say they are truly happy and don’t feel as if they settled!
Do you think we are hung up on finding “perfection” in a mate? Do you have a fear of “settling” for someone?
As we begin to date someone new we also have to be careful about unrealistic expectations we have. Ladies, if it’s Mr. Rock of Gibralter (referring to emotional strength!) you want, don’t get upset if the guy doesn’t always show emotion the way you want. He can’t be your girlfriend (which is kind of the point) but he should be able to communicate effectively with you.
I don’t think any single person is going to be all things at all times to you, so why do we seem to get frustrated when someone “lacks” a few qualities that we think we want in a mate?
Guys, do you think you have unrealistic expectations about the women you date?
Ladies, have you ever felt that someone you dated had lofty expectations of what they wanted from you? How did you handle it?
I have this fear of ending up with someone who will want to change me. Does anyone else worry about that? It’s like the very traits you think attracts your mate to you when you first meet, is what drives them nuts later on and becomes a problem. Has that ever happened to you? If so, how did you deal with it?
Permalink | Comments (203) | Categories: Dating
