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AJC.com > Living > Blog > Archives > 2006 > November
November 2006
Can you keep a secret?
The Atlanta Journal-Constitution
Earlier this week, we talked about the problems that sometimes arise when nosy friends and relatives butt into your relationship. But what happens when they don’t know you’re having a relationship at all?
Yes, sometimes, for various reasons, we keep our relationships secret. The obvious reason: We’re doing something we shouldn’t (or, someone we shouldn’t, to be exact). But it can be a little more complicated than that as well.
A few summers back, I had a fairly clandestine relationship with someone I worked with. We both wanted to be taken seriously in the office, and so we didn’t want people to know. Plus, one of our mutual friends had a big crush on him, and we didn’t want to make things weird when all of us hung out. So for most of the summer, he and I sneaked into each other’s rooms late at night, went on dates no one knew about, and eschewed all displays of public affection. No one did find out until we told them. It just seemed — simpler, somehow, that way, not to deal with all the drama. We enjoyed each other’s company — did we need to tell other people?
Sometimes, it’s embarrassment. You’re talking to someone you’re interested in, but you’re afraid your friends will disapprove. Perhaps the person is of another race or religion, and you’re not ready to deal with the scrutiny that may come. Maybe they’re not conventionally attractive or cool. Maybe you met them somewhere embarrassing (therapy office? AA meeting? online?) and you’re afraid to admit it. Maybe, like me and my secret lover, you’re afraid it will cause more trouble than it’s worth.
Or maybe it’s because one or both of you is cheating — the best time to keep things secret.
In my case, it didn’t bother me to know that our relationship was being kept quiet, because it was mutually agreed upon. But what about those situations in which one person thinks the relationship is public, and the other won’t acknowledge it? Have you ever been placed in a situation where you ended up “spilling the beans” and awkwardness ensued?
Have you ever had a secret relationship? How long did it stay secret? Did you keep it secret from everyone, or just a select few? How did it get out, once it did — or did it?
What reasons might you have for keeping a relationship secret?
Permalink | Comments (148) | Categories: Dating
Step 1: Get engaged…
The Atlanta Journal-Constitution
So, as I’ve admitted, one of my guilty pleasures is “The Bachelor.” I don’t watch religiously, but I do find it to be a fascinating trainwreck…and interesting in its occasional (probably accidental) insights about romantic life.
This season wrapped up on Monday night, and as it ended up, two of the top three women remaining ended up getting castigated for — or, in one case, dumped solely because of — revealing their “plans for the future.” Admittedly, one of these women was very extreme: She detailed her plan to be engaged by 26, married by 27, with a child by 30 … and did I mention she was already 25? She even had bridal magazines on display in her home. It was funny to watch the Bachelor squirm when confronted with these plans, but it made me think of a couple of things.
It seems that many women like to plan out their futures in some detail — and that nothing scares men more.
One factor, I think, is the female biological clock. I was out to dinner with a friend of mine the other night. Although she was far more matter-of-fact about it than the loony on TV, she explained calmly that she wanted to have three children, approximately three years apart, so she would need at least 6 years for child bearing, and she didn’t want to start too late.
Women, do you have ideal plans for your future — at least the major benchmarks? Are there goals you have for times by which you would like to be in a serious relationship, married, engaged, or having children? Men, how about you? is this planning truly only a feminine virture, or do men have the “I want to be married by a certain age” urge as well?
And men and women alike, does it scare you or impress you if a potential date mentions that they have this type of a timeline for their future hopes and dreams?
Permalink | Comments (242) | Categories: Relationships
Kiss and tell me everything
The Atlanta Journal-Constitution
So, it’s official: I have mono.
Mononucleosis. Otherwise known as “the kissing disease.” Ironic, since all it means is that I WON’T be doing much kissing for a while…
But it does seem to give everyone — and I mean everyone! — license to ask “so, who have you been kissing?” As if it is any of their business. (And, for the record, the answer is, no one disease-ridden, that I know of.)
So what gives? What makes people think it’s their business to pry into your love lives? And I think at this time of year, it’s even more of a common problem. How many of you went home for Thanksgiving and had well-meaning relatives inquiring about your intentions to remain single, the status with your significant other, etc?
How do you defuse questions about your romantic entanglements? Are there people whom you do allow to ask probing questions about your dating status? What do you disclose, and what do you keep under wraps?
How can you satisfy a nosy friend or relative without being rude?
Permalink | Comments (166) | Categories: Dating
All I want for Christmas is…
The Atlanta Journal-Constitution
Welcome back, friends! I hope everyone had a great Thanksgiving. Once you survived the family time, there was only one thing left to brave this weekend: the crowds at the shopping malls. They don’t call it Black Friday for nothing.
Yes, that’s right, the holiday shopping season has officially begun. But there’s one thing even scarier than the credit card bills you’re soon to be racking up: the dilemma of shopping for a gift for your significant other.
The first question — do you even buy something? The biggest factor here seems to be how long you’ve been together. Clearly, if you decide not to buy a Christmas gift for your girlfriend of two years, you’re in hot water. What if you’ve only been together for a week or two? A month? What’s the cutoff point? Or what if you’ve been seeing each other for a while, but casually?
And then the really hard part… What to buy? How much to spend?
Sure, the material things aren’t the most important in a relationship, but it’s undeniable that the gifts exchanged for the holidays can be a good time to engender goodwill and affection - or to screw up big.
What are some of the best gifts you’ve ever given or gotten? What holiday gift faux pas have you witnessed?
Are you stumped about your holiday gift-giving this year? We’ll help - just tell us your situation!
Permalink | Comments (144) | Categories: Holidays
My Favorite Mistake
The Atlanta Journal-Constitution
This blog entry was written to the sounds of Sheryl Crow’s, My Favorite Mistake
When you go, all I know is, you’re my favorite mistake
Before some of us carve into those turkeys, I thought it would be fun to reflect on the turkeys we have actually dated. I am probably on someone’s turkey list, but I hope they don’t regret ever meeting me!
If you want to get philosophical about dating, you could consider that each dating mistake brings us a new opportunity to learn. Even if the ride got a little bumpy, the thrill of the roller coaster had some exhilarating moments.
My favorite mistake would have to be Levi. When we met, we clicked immediately. He just seemed like a fabulous potential mate. He was attentive, good looking, fun, sweet, smart, and successful. He had depth and compassion, and we shared so many great times. Things didn’t work out for us, but I won’t regret meeting him. I am really glad that I met him. I may even call him up and thank him for the good times.
After we move past the bitter feelings and disappointments, we could actually be grateful for those “turkey dates”.
Perhaps they exasperated, frustrated, or puzzled us, but they also brought us laughter, great dates, and nice memories. We could wax poetic about what we learned about ourselves and be even more prepared for the next great love.
What dating lessons are you thankful you learned? Are there people in your past that you can consider your favorite mistake?
If you are in a relationship, give thanks for the great woman or man in your life. What about them are you most thankful for?
Permalink | Comments (105) | Categories: Relationships
You’re so crazy!
The Atlanta Journal-Constitution
If love is indeed a battlefield, then single people are the dating warriors. We mix and mingle with wild abandon, we flirt shamelessly, and we take chances. Lots of them. Even if dating and relationships came with a user’s manual, we would still be at risk of something going awry. This is exactly why we need safeguards – for protection.
The dating scene is filled with potential dating disasters that could backfire at any given moment. One example of a potential dating disaster: dating the sanity challenged (read: crazy) people. I know they may seem like shiny, happy, and maybe even hot people, but the crazies can end up hurting you or your property.
I know men think that women are generally nuts anyway. I certainly won’t deny that women are capable of those Fatal Attraction, psychotic break from reality moments. I still cringe when I think of the Grey’s Anatomy character pleading for the guy to “pick me, chose me, love me”. Talk about crazy in love! Not sure if i want to be THAT caught up in anyone. Or do I?
Men can exhibit their unstable behavior in ways that women often overlook. The red flags look more like red roses or candy-covered valentines. Especially when we are caught up in the haze of someone “wonderful”. The sexy mysterious guy turns out to be the silent brooding type, completely incapable of showing emotions, let alone talk about them. Yet we pursue things anyway, hoping he will change, or worse thinking we can “tame” the crazy behavior.
So how do we steer clear of the “sanity challenged” dates? How can we spot the crazies before getting involved?
Have you ever dated someone who went from cute and eccentric to odd and bizarre? How did you handle it?
We all have done crazy things because of love, lust, or sex-induced insanity, have you ever surprised yourself with how you behaved?
How did you get back to normalcy after your crazy in love moments?
Permalink | Comments (161) | Categories: Dating
Adonis Overload
The Atlanta Journal-Constitution
Single men in Atlanta spend a great deal of time on their appearance. This is evidenced by their gym memberships, grooming habits, and a genuine concern about their image.
I wonder what standard men are measuring their body images against. Do men feel the same type of pressure to achieve a perfect physique as women? Are they influenced by the standards of attractiveness that is seen in magazines and on television?
Since men have become more conscious of their physical selves, they also seem to be just as susceptible to the pressure of having the perfect body. I was watching a CNN report about an increasing number of men who are developing eating disorders, getting plastic surgery, and/or obsessing over their looks, often referred to as the “Adonis Complex”. They place their self-worth largely on their appearance. They probably feel that a man with a nice body, handsome face, etc. is perceived to have more success with dating and attracting beautiful women.
What are your thoughts on the Adonis Complex?
Do men have a realistic self-assessment of their looks when they consider the type of women they approach?
How different are male and female perceptions about the male physique?
Guys, what aspect of your appearance are you concerned about the most? Do you think that you know what women find attractive about your physique, appearance, or image?
Ladies, do you generally like men with a lot of muscles? What about bald men? A guy who wears jewelry?
Have you met or dated guys with the adonis complex?
Do our perceptions about beauty, appearance, and image change with age, experience, and relationships?
Permalink | Comments (169) | Categories: Current Events
Snoop patrol
The Atlanta Journal-Constitution
I’m a little behind on my TV this week, so I just finished watching Monday’s “Prison Break.” (I know, I should really just send y’all to the Channel Serf blog and be done with it sometimes…) But watching their revelation of the conspiracy involving tapped phones and taped conversations reminded me of a topic that I’ve been wanting to do for a while, and that a reader emailed me about recently.
When you’re dating someone, you share a lot of things with them. You establish a level of trust, and some things go without saying. But where do the boundaries of privacy lie? What things can you still keep to yourself?
The reader who emailed me was upset because her boyfriend had gone through her phone. She didn’t say what he was looking for — recent calls to or from other guys? incriminating text messages? — but she did say that she felt violated and that she was thinking of ending the relationship over it. It reminded me of a friend of mine, who found the evidence he needed to know for sure that his girlfriend was cheating on him by viewing the text messages saved in her phone.
Another friend of mine was out of the country on business when her boyfriend checked her email. She had given him the password once — a no-no, in my book — but he read everything he could get his hands on, including a message she had sent to me in which she said something that he completely misinterpreted and tried to break up with her over. They patched things up, but I think it destroyed a lot of trust…and I know that from my perspective, I never liked him as much again.
What do you consider unacceptable snooping from a partner? What’s allowable and what’s not?
Would you break up with someone who checked your email, snooped in your phone, etc, without your knowledge?
Would you ever give your boyfriend or girlfriend access to your email, bank records, or other private information?
Permalink | Comments (297) | Categories: Dating
Home for the holidays
The Atlanta Journal-Constitution
One week from today — y’all know what that is! Turkey time. And pumpkin pie time. And green bean casserole…
But it’s also time to make a big decision: Should you bring your boyfriend or girlfriend home to your family gathering for Thanksgiving? (Or, similarly, go to their house?)
Last year, Thanksgiving was tough for me. I broke up with Starving Artist just a couple of weeks before Thanksgiving - and we had planned in advance that I was going to his house. It would be my first time meeting his father, only my second time meeting his brother and brother’s girlfriend. When we broke up, it was really sad because I had been looking forward to that as kind of a big, nice occasion, and I ended up having to call my mom and fly home for the holiday, which is always a little embarrassing and painful.
But it’s always tricky, even if it’s not that bad, to decide what to do with your significant other around holiday time. Is it better or worse if you’ve already met the parents — are holidays a good time to do it for the first time? How do you decide whose house to go to? And when do you start thinking about “holidays together”? How long should you have been together?
Do you have any horror stories about going to a boyfriend/girlfriend’s house for a holiday, or bringing one to yours?
What happens if you and your significant other celebrate different holidays? This doesn’t affect Thanksgiving, but what about Christmas or Hanukkah, for example? Would that make you more or less likely to want to spend that holiday together?
Permalink | Comments (141) | Categories: Dating
Love on a timeline
The Atlanta Journal-Constitution
How long before I get in? Before it starts, before I begin? How long before you decide? Before I know what it feels like? - Coldplay
How much time does it take to really decide if someone is a person you could fall in love with?
Is it instant? Love at first sight?
Evidence for: The existence of the entire Missed Connections section of Craigslist. For those who aren’t familiar with it, I am not responsible if you go check it out and get fired by your company’s IT department. But basically, it’s full of people — dozens and dozens each day, not just one random crazy — who are sure from spotting someone at Starbucks or in the car next to them in traffic that they may have sighted the love of their life, if only they had actually gotten to speak to him or her. I don’t know how often it succeeds, but it sure is popular, so it must work sometimes, right? Or at least, there sure are a lot of love-at-first-sight believers out there.
Evidence against: Appearances can be deceiving.
A couple of weeks, maybe?
Evidence for: If you’re going with your gut, you know all you need to after a few dates - whether you two can talk easily, have physical chemistry, have important things in common.
Evidence against: “The Bachelor” franchise. Those guys (and gals, in the case of the Bachelorette) have a few weeks to spend time with a whole bunch of willing, attractive singles. Yet they never seem to make the right decision (okay, okay, other than Trista and Ryan.)
Months. Years. A REALLY long time.
Evidence for: The more you get to know a person, the more you’re correct about what you think of them. More data can only lead to a more accurate conclusion. You truly know the person - warts and all - and whether you can look past those less-than-ideal characteristics.
Evidence against: Too intellectual. Ignores instinct. If everyone had to be in relationships for years and years to know if they were in love, it would take forever for anyone to get anywhere in life.
So, statisticians and theorists out there, how long does it take you to fall in love? Do you believe in love at first sight? Based on what? What are your arguments to counter or agree with mine above?
Permalink | Comments (151) | Categories: Matters of the Heart
A little less talk, a lot more action?
The Atlanta Journal-Constitution
We talk a lot on here about communication. Almost all of y’all who post, no matter the specific topic, say that sharing your feelings, being honest and talking to your partner is the key to a successful relationship.
But does communication have to just mean what you say? Does it also mean what you do?
Take a situation in which Studly Guy says to Pretty Girl, “Baby, I’m crazy about you.” Then, 10 minutes later, he’s out the door to hang out with his friends instead of having dinner with her.
See what I’m getting at here? Words come easily. It is easy to say “I love you” and there’s no way to prove that someone means it, unless their actions back it up.
But at the same time, words are critical. What you say is the best way to make sure there is no miscommunication. Assumptions can be fatal.
Over the weekend, a friend of mine in a new relationship accidentally turned off the text messaging feature on her phone so that she couldn’t send or receive messages. Her new boyfriend was texting her all weekend, and when she didn’t answer the texts, he assumed that she was mad or ignoring him and rather than calling to see why she didn’t answer, pre-emptively decided that they were through.
A case of action speaking too loud, where words would have been better.
In your relationships, which speaks louder: Actions, or words? Which is more important to you? Why?
Have you ever dated someone who was entirely a man of action, or entirely a woman of words? How did that turn out? If your boyfriend never said he loved you, but showed it through romantic gestures, would that be OK, for example?
Permalink | Comments (184) | Categories: Relationships
Pushing your partner’s buttons (in a good way)
The Atlanta Journal-Constitution
Shall we start out the week a tad frisky, friends?
I have come to the conclusion that what turns guys on is fundamentally different from what turns women on.
I know, radical, huh?
Well, hypothetically, it is possible that last week, I found myself involved in an IM conversation with Mr. Big last week. (Yes, I know, what can I say, three years and counting, and I still get embroiled in this? But that’s a whole ‘nother day’s conversation…) He was … well, we were having cybersex. Except that he was hot and heavy…and I was mostly typing “mmm yes” and carrying on six other IM conversations, watching TV and playing with my dog. As much as Mr. Big pushes my buttons, the idea of getting passionate over the internet just leaves me kind of cold.
I recall a number of instances where I went out and bought cute lingerie that went completely unnoticed. Sometimes, it got taken off with the clothes above it and not even seen.
And there are a few sexual positions whose name I shall not speak that seems much more popular with the guys out there than the gals.
This goes far beyond the commonly held conception that “women like romance and guys do not”. It seems like there is a fundamental disconnect that I don’t quite get — and I’m not the only one.
What is the trick to figuring out “what guys like” or “what girls like”? Are there common threads at all? Or is every person different? Are there any generalizations you can make about how to turn on a girl, or a guy?
If there is a disconnect between you and your significant other on what turns you on, how can you best deal with it?
Keep it as clean as possible =)
Permalink | Comments (132) | Categories: Relationships
Celebrity Couples - Can we learn from them?
The Atlanta Journal-Constitution
This seems to be peak season for divorces among celebrity couples. The last few months, entertainment reports brimmed with salacious details about who filed, why they split, and even about the couple’s finances. Some folks even express joy when they read about a high profile couple’s break up. Why do so many people care about celebrity marriages? The magazines, entertainment shows, and water cooler gossip proves that we can’t get enough information about them.
Love them or hate them, celebrity dating practices and marriages actually can teach us a few lessons:
Whitney Houston and Bobby Brown Money does not bring happiness. Even when a couple has plenty of money, how they cope with the pressures of the outside world can make or break the relationship. You also need to marry someone who enriches your life more than financially.
Brittney Spears and Kevin Federline Prenuptial agreements should be considered. Sure, you are blissfully happy in the beginning, but things change, people change (or worst, don’t change), and sometimes you must cover your assets. Smartest move Spears has made since signing up to be in the Mickey Mouse Club.
Reese Whitherspoon and Ryan Philippe Size matters - well in success, that is. Big success brings bigger strains on a couple’s relationships. Media reports that Reese’s Oscar win may have contributed to the couple’s problems because of a little animosity from Ryan. If you aren’t a true supporter of your spouse’s endeavors, it can definitely have an impact on how you two relate.
Paul McCartney and Heather Mills When it all falls apart, maintain respect. The musician is quoted saying, “There are certain things in life that are personal, and I think a relationship with a partner is intensely personal, and I prefer to keep it that way.” Way to go Paul! You don’t have to sling mud and swap insults when a relationship ends. Dignity in divorce, indeed. (Here’s to hoping that remains the case)
Paris Hilton and (insert name of hot unattached guy) Party girls don’t settle down for long. Paris is an admitted party girl. She plays hard and shops harder. Despite her dating track record, Paris probably doesn’t have to work hard to get a date. If a guy or girl spends 99.9% of their leisure time partying, chances are, they won’t be keen on the idea of staying at home with you. Either wait till they tire of the party scene or leave them to their club hopping.
Halle Berry and Gabriel Aubrey (aka Hot Versace Model) Expand your dating horizons. The 39 year old actress married two black men that were close to her age. Her latest beau is younger and not black. I guess she is trying something new. It doesn’t hurt that he is drop dead gorgeous. You could find that you have something in common with a lot of people from different races, backgrounds, and (legal) ages. Although Halle has said she doesn’t want to marry again, she could fall in love and eat those words.
Janet Jackson and Jermaine Dupree. Beautiful women don’t want to just be your trophy girl. These two have been the butt of many jokes, but Janet proudly gushes about how happy she is with JD. When most men would consider her the perfect woman to show off, JD impressed Janet by connecting with her emotionally. Janet has said, their connection is “visceral” and “When I look at him, I feel like I’m looking back at myself”. How sweet is that?
What do you think we can learn from celebrity marriages?
Do you have a favorite celebrity couple that you secretly pull for?
Do you think that celebrity dating is similar to your own dating experiences? (minus the papparazi, of course!)
Permalink | Comments (212) | Categories: Current Events
Male Biological Clocks: Tick Tock
The Atlanta Journal-Constitution
My friend Dana has had a great couple of dates with Randall, a 32 year-old salesman. They were set up by mutual friends and things were going really well. Last weekend, Dana and Randall were walking around Atlantic Station, when they noticed an older man with his son. Randall told her that he was hoping to have children while he was younger, so that he could really enjoy doing things with them.
She didn’t think much about his comment until their next date when he asked her if she would consider having a child with him. Of course she thought he was making a joke. They had not even discussed committment, let alone marriage or children. She told him that it was way too early to discuss marriage and kids. She isn’t sure if she wants to continue seeing him now. She said that he acts as if he has a biological clock ticking.
Do you think men have biological clocks?
Do you think that the traits that it takes to make a great father are the same ones that it takes to make a good partner or husband?
Ladies, have you noticed that the men you meet are anxious to have children soon?
Are single men today deciding that fatherhood is more important than becoming a husband?
Permalink | Comments (261) | Categories: Dating
Relationships Broken Up By Best Friends
The Atlanta Journal-Constitution
Sleeping with your best friend’s mate is the ultimate betrayal of a friendship to me. I can’t imagine how a friendship would survive this because it would be so hard to forget. Fortunately I haven’t experienced anything like this, but it seems to happen quite often. How do people cope with this kind of betrayal?
I caught up with a former co-worker the other day at lunch. She told me about her best friend that betrayed her years ago. She had been with her boyfriend for almost three years and she was expecting him to pop the question. Instead of a wedding proposal, he confessed that he had slept with someone else - her best friend of 12 years. She was stunned, to say the least because she felt totally blind-sighted. She said that she really couldn’t tell what hurt the most, losing her best friend or losing the man she thought she was going to marry. Eventually she decided to contact her best friend to repair the friendship. They are not as close as they were before, but they are speaking to each other. She didn’t extend the same olive branch to her ex-boyfriend.
How do you handle when your girl, your boy, your road dog, or your close confidante, has betrayed your trust? Once you go through the initial hurt, pain, anger and all the other emotions that come with being deceived, what do you do? Do you allow this person to remain in your inner circle? Do you sever all the ties? Do you forgive and move past it? Could you work to salvage the relationship? What would you do in this situation?
Thanks to QC for sending me this topic idea a loooong time ago.
Permalink | Comments (257) | Categories: Breakups
The Soulmate Debate
The Atlanta Journal-Constitution
We have seen the politicians debate the issues and argue their points ad nauseum the last few weeks. I don’t know about you, but I have a feeling some candidates talked themselves out of favor with some voters. Regardless of how they weathered the accusations, tacky ads, and mean-spirited attacks, let’s all remember to go to the polls today!
In honor of our political process, I thought that the Misadventures in Atlanta blog would have the ever so popular soulmate debate. I happen to believe in soul mates, personally. Perhaps I am not as jaded as I originally thought or maybe I am hopeful that I will discover one person who is ideally suited for me. Whatever the reason, I think that being happy and feeling complete, can make single people less cynical about love and romance, including the possibility of meeting your soulmate.
Do you believe in soul mates or does it seem like a silly idea? Is it dangerous to believe in soulmates?
Do you think that there is a person who is perfectly suited for us in all ways? Or is it only the important things that need to fit?
What makes someone perfect for you?
If you are married or in a committed relationship, are they your soulmate? If so, when did you realize it?
Permalink | Comments (184) | Categories: Matters of the Heart
Somebody has to be on top
The Atlanta Journal-Constitution
On the dating scene, singles can sometimes find traditional and non-traditional wooing techniques to spice things up a bit. Once you get pass the “impress me? stage things can become more fun, relaxed and perhaps even a bit competitive. You must be careful with competing with someone you are dating though, because it may backfire on you.
I can remember dating Sore Loser Guy who had the worst sportsmanship behavor. He couldn’t handle me beating him in anything. We both felt chemistry and had the same sense of humor so we often challenged each other in games. But there were times when he would get really irritated when we were competing. He could dish out the trash talking but he really didn’t like getting a taste of his own medicine.
Eventually, we found out that we weren’t compatible in other ways. In a way, the competition turned out to be an indicator of how different our personalities were. My friend Panama told me that men don’t like competing with women they are interested in romantically. Is this true? I wonder why he kept coaxing me into competing with him? The one upmanship surely dampered any sparks between us, along with other things.
Should couples who are dating compete? Is it healthy or harmful?
Are there “safe? ways to compete with someone when you are dating? What type of competition should be avoided?
If somebody has to be on top in a relationship, how do you cope when it’s not you? Do you try to get more power or do you tend to fall into an ebb and flow of the relationship?
If you ever want a competitive night out playing games with fun people, you should check out Play Date. Competition is the norm here and you could even meet some new friends. FYI, if you notice a guy or girl throwing a Jenga block and yelling, you may want to keep it moving.
Permalink | Comments (145) | Categories: Dating
It’s a mad, mad, multimedia world
The Atlanta Journal-Constitution
Sometimes, it’s not what you say — it’s how you say it.
One of the most memorable breaches in dating etiquette in modern pop culture: When Berger dumped Carrie via Post-It note on Sex and the City. Sure, it’s fictional…but it certainly hit home for some people.
Out for dinner with my girlfriends Cookie, Bryant and Chanel the other night, we were discussing the violation that occurred when a gentleman asked Chanel out…via text message.
So, in the interest of coming to consensus, I’d like to discuss with y’all the proper uses of all our multimedia options when it comes to dating.
We’ve got text messaging, phone calls, emails, instant messaging/IM and in-person interactions. Which is best used for….
Asking someone out for the first time?
Asking someone on a follow-up date?
Following up after a date?
Breaking up with someone? This is a touchy one. I have a definite opinion on it. I was NOT PLEASED when Starving Artist broke up with me via phone…I think you HAVE to do that in person, unless it is utterly infeasible.
Saying hi for no reason at all?
Fighting with your significant other?
How would you react if someone did something you considered rude, like asking you out via text message or breaking up with you via email?
How can we best use all these methods of communicating to HELP our relationship rather than make it harder? How have text messaging, email and IM changed your dating life?
Permalink | Comments (133) | Categories: Dating
Who’s No. 1 here?
The Atlanta Journal-Constitution
Relationships are full of give and take. Compromise. And…complications.
Inevitably, the process of two separate individuals coming together, each of whom has their own needs, desires and priorities, means that there will be some degree of conflict at some point.
The question is: How important are your needs, vs. the other person’s?
There are so many situations where this becomes an issue. Little things: You want to go to a party, but your partner wants to stay home. Bigger things: You’re exhausted and stressed out after a tough week at work, but your significant other needs to talk through a problem. And really big things: You’re unsure whether to move in with your boyfriend or girlfriend, and, if so, whose house will you live in?
Fundamentally, every one of us has a degree of selfishness built in. We just have to look out for our own butts, because nothing else is guaranteed. Once a relationship gets serious, though, the other person leaps up on our priority list. To the top? Well, that’s up to each one of us.
How selfish are you in relationships? When do you place the other person’s needs before your own? How hard is it for you to give up your “I’m No. 1” mentality — or did you never have that to begin with?
What degree of putting the other person first do you think characterizes the best relationships?
Must there be equality in how highly each person prioritizes the other for a relationship to work?
Permalink | Comments (198) | Categories: Relationships
The depth (okay, height) of my shallowness
The Atlanta Journal-Constitution
At work the other day, one of my coworkers was telling me about a cute guy she thought I should meet. I was interested - who doesn’t like cute guys? I mean, of straight girls, who doesn’t like cute guys? But then she mentioned “Well, he’s a little short.” Beep. Vetoed. Suddenly, I was done with the conversation.
Fast-forward a few days. I’m exchanging emails with a nice guy on an online dating site. He seems friendly and articulate as we banter about Indian food and my someday-intentions to write a novel. Then I — for the first time — bother to check his stats.
5’5”. As in, two inches shorter than me. And that’s if I’m not wearing heels.
I’m not alone. To most women, height matters. A lot. My gorgeous, statuesque blonde friend, Elizabeth, is 5’10”. She refuses — flatly, under any circumstances — to date a man under 6 feet tall. Maybe I don’t have that strict of a number requirement, but I do see her point.
I have a hard time dating a man who’s shorter than me. I’m tall, but I still like to feel small and feminine sometimes. For the same reason, I don’t much like dating a guy who weighs less than me! (Which usually means he’s shorter than me anyway, unless he has some serious metabolic problems, but I digress).
An unfair prejudice? Shallowness? Who knows. But for me, that’s the long and short of it.
Ladies, do you prefer a tall or a short guy? Why? Do you like men to make you feel small, weight or height-wise? Men, how about you — do you like the Amazon women?
Have you ever had a successful relationship with someone that doesn’t fit your usual height requirements (it’s like a ride at Six Flags! must be taller than this mark) Or have you rejected an otherwise promising candidate simply because of his or her stats?
And please, everyone, don’t take this personally; just because I prefer tall guys or some male blogger says he likes short girls or similar, that isn’t a hit on you if you don’t fit that mold.
Permalink | Comments (336) | Categories: Dating
