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AJC.com > Living > Blog > Archives > 2006 > October
October 2006
Let your wild side come out today
The Atlanta Journal-Constitution
Happy Halloween, everyone!
It may not be my favorite holiday — I tend to shy away from anything overhyped and involving so much planning for such little payoff — but there’s no other time of year when people’s sexy alter egos get to come out and play so publicly.
In that spirit, I present the following (largely tongue-in-cheek) guide to Reading a Potential Date, Based on Their Costumes!
For men: * Dressing as a woman. Snore. Not creative — and not a good way to show off the goods. Well, unless you have killer legs. However, points for confidence. Just as long as the guys don’t get TOO comfortable in skirts and heels.
Gynecologist, free mammogram test booth or kissing booth. Points for effort — initial demotion for perviness. However, generally approved for playful sexiness. Especially if scrubs or a lab coat is involved. However, the legions of guys dressed as Dr. McDreamy this year? Odds are, you are not doing very well in comparison to the real thing.
Sumo wrestlers. Excuse me, and how are we supposed to get our arms around that? No thanks.
For women:
Playboy bunny. Over the top. Lacking in creativity. Although it does give you a pretty good idea what you’re going to get — no secrets there.
Sexy librarian. My personal favorite — kind of a fun, playful one that reminds you never to overlook the quiet ones =) However, this doesn’t work as well when the girl wearing it is not the librarian-type in her daily life.
Rainbow Brite, Strawberry Shortcake, Minnie Mouse, or other cutesy cartoon character. Playful and fun — but perhaps a little immature. Depends how tongue-in-cheek she’s capable of being. Unfortunately, it seems that many girls who wear that tend to be rather on the silly giggly side.
Oh, and the question I’m sure you all were wondering…what am I going as this year? Well, I premiered my costume on Saturday night: Suri Cruise. Maybe not the sexiest choice, but I definitely got some smiles, and what’s hotter than that?
So, what is your sexy alter ego? Whether you are actually dressing this way or not, how do you picture yourself?
Is Halloween a good romantic holiday for you? Why or why not?
Permalink | Comments (191) | Categories: Holidays
Dating with all five senses
The Atlanta Journal-Constitution
Dating can be a big part of your life, especially for those of us single and in our 20s and 30s.
It’s only fair that, when tackling such a huge task, we use all the tools available to us, right?
Well, we’ve got five senses. We might as well use them. And, we might as well talk about them today.
Sight They (whoever “they” is) tell you to go into dating with your eyes wide open. Well, what is that you hope to see? What are the first things you notice about a man or woman on a purely visual level? What things are instant turnoffs?
Smell What’s your favorite scent — commercial/brand name or just a flavor — that you like your favorite guy or gal to sport? What scents put you in the mood for love? I should put in a plug here for my new Jaqua Pink Buttercream Frosting hand lotion…I gotta say, I can’t imagine anything smelling more “lickable” than that.
Taste To keep this G-rated, we’re going to stick to the foods and drinks you find most romantic. What could a date serve you that would completely put you in the mood?
Sound Besides music, are there other sounds you find totally romantic? The sound of a thunderstorm outside, waves crashing on the beach, wind blowing through the trees?
and Touch Ladies, do you like to have a guy run his fingers through your hair, or vice versa? Guys, do you like it when a lady wears something silky, or soft? I used to have a boyfriend who would request that I wear certain “cuddly” sweaters. How about my personal favorite — a guy with nice rough, scruffy stubble? I think I’m in the minority in loving the feel of that.
And just for fun…is there a “sixth sense” you use in dating? Gut reaction, spidey sense, whatever you like to call it?
Permalink | Comments (123) | Categories: Dating
The horrors of dating
The Atlanta Journal-Constitution
Well, we know that this time of year is supposed to bring out the freaks and the ghosts with Halloween approaching. For the single people, though - that’s pretty much status quo! How many of us have dating horror stories that could make the Hall of Shame?
The horrors of dating range from those embarrassing or boring dates to the eccentric and odd dates. From restraining orders and stalkers to weird fetishes or fantasies. We seem to be living out a bad horror movie: Nightmare on Peachtree Street, Children of the Conyers Corn, Midtown Twilight Zone, you name it, we’ve probably seen, heard, or experienced it!
Why not make light of it and learn a few lessons, right? Hopefully you have survived each horror with sanity and property in tact!
What horror stories about dating do you have? Were you the culprit or a victim? What lessons did you learn afterwards?
Is there a way to find out the freaky, scary things about your date before the crazy things start to happen? How do you spot the crazies before it’s too late?
How do you know if it’s eccentric dating behavior or something more sinister? How do you determine if it is harmless neurotic behavior or pyschotic behavior?
This week on the Misadventures in Atlanta Blog has been quite enlightening and entertaining. I saw new readers join in and I didn’t always get a chance to welcome you, but please know that I noticed when you chimed in!
Happy Friday!!
Permalink | Comments (312) | Categories: Dating
I would rather BE committed!
The Atlanta Journal-Constitution
Make room guys, the ladies are joining you in the fear of commitment rut. We can relate to your apprehension of settling down with one person because we share the same dating experiences with you. Sometimes our frustrations and fears get the best of us and we succumb to the negative perceptions about love and commitment.
Why do you think women become commitment phobic?
My friend Dale says that some women constantly complain about being lonely, but when things start progressing to a serious level with a guy, they are the ones that stall on committing. He was dating a 32-yr old pharmacist for about five months, when she decided that she wanted some space. He felt they were growing closer, but it turned out that she wasn’t ready to keep things going in the direction they were going.
I think there are different degrees to commitment phobia in women. Some boomerang to the same guy over and over, while others won’t ever wed at all for whatever reason (or excuse).
Ladies, have you ever had moments in your dating career when you just ran from romantic prospects? Perhaps it turned out to be a good thing because the guy was not really compatible after all. Have you ever said to yourself, if we don’t fit, I must NOT commit?
How can men recognize when a woman fears commitment? Do you think there are certain “types” of women who steer clear of settling down because of these fears?
Who do you think fears commitment more, men or women?
Permalink | Comments (416) | Categories: Dating
Dating Code of Ethics
The Atlanta Journal-Constitution
All of us like to think of ourselves as men and women of honor and integrity. Unfortunately, in a lot of dating situations integrity doesn’t always stick around when it should. There are so many games being played and a lot of people are simply out for themselves.
A male friend of mine said that single women he has met rarely use integrity in dating because they don’t really feel it is a requirement. While I can attest to less then stellar dating behaviors when I was immature, I feel like I display integrity to the men that I date now. To me, men are not opportunities, and relationships are not solutions to my life problems. Although integrity may not always be prevalent in dating, some of us manage to adhere to a certain set of dating code of ethics which minimizes dating drama.
Guys, I know you think that you’re cooler than Icey Hot sports cream, but you don’t always display the strongest code of ethics when you are single, dating, and/or looking. Ladies, you (ok we) may consider yourselves to be the cream of the crop but sometimes we drop the ball big time when it comes to integrity and honor. There would be a lot less headaches and hurt feelings if we all raised our integrity game up. Yea, I know shows like The Bachelor, Flavor of Love, or Cheaters would not be as entertaining, but is that really a bad thing?
There are also times when you are unexpectedly faced with a dating dilemma that challenges your integrity. For instance, what happens when you discover that you have the best chemistry with someone who is involved with someone else? Do you back off knowing that your connection with this person is probably a lot stronger than what they have with their significant other? Is it something you should pursue?
How do you handle your chemistry when you both have decided not to pursue things with each other?
Do you think that dating with integrity is really that rare?
Do most men and women act with integrity when they are just dating or does that come later when people are in love?
What would happen if everyone used integrity in dating? How would our interactions change?
Permalink | Comments (307) | Categories: Dating
Why Didn’t You Propose?
The Atlanta Journal-Constitution
This past weekend I attended the American Black Film Festival on Tour which was held at AMC Lenox Theater. I had a great time viewing two great films: Traci Townsend and Miles From Home. The audience was even able to meet the writer/director of Miles from Home for a brief question and answer discussion about the film which was really interesting.
The first screening, Traci Townsend was a well-written, hilarious take on dating and relationships that resonated with the entire audience. The premise of the film involved a beautiful woman trying to figure out why she, of all people, had not even ONE marriage proposal “to her credit”. She said, “I’m beautiful, fit, and successful, why are women who are broke, unattractive, and out of shape getting proposals before me?â€? Ok, I am paraphrasing a bit.
So Traci convinces her friend Sylvia to produce a “documentaryâ€? in which her last few beaus would be interviewed to find out the real reason they never proposed. I don’t want to give away the film too much, but suffice it to say, I still don’t know why the poor girl was so oblivious. When each guy gave his response (in front of her), it seemed blatantly obvious why the men didn’t want to marry her - she was a tad nuts!
It seems that Traci represented a lot of single people who are clueless about why they have no problems attracting people, but keeping them? An entirely different story. As I’ve said before, you rarely get useful feedback when you are dating, but I wondered if we would listen if we did?
Guys, have any of your old girlfriends asked why you never proposed? If you could tell your ex-girlfriends why you didn’t propose (assuming either of you were interested in marriage, that is), what would you say?
Ladies, have you ever considered finding out from your former flames why you two never worked out? Has the popular He’s Just Not That Into concept changed how single women handle dating disappointments or rejection?
Do we still have a burning desire to get the reasons why? If not or if so, is that a good thing or bad thing?
How important is closure in our modern day dating scene?
Although Traci set out to get closure, she really struggled with hearing the honest opinions about her. Has anyone you dated ever shared a bitter truth (post-relationship) that was hard to swallow? How did you handle it?
Did you listen? Shrug it off?
Sought comfort at the bottom of every bottle? (Nickelback’s How You Remind Me, 2001)
Permalink | Comments (345) | Categories: Marriage
Blockbuster© Night at My Place?
The Atlanta Journal-Constitution
I cringed when I heard my date ask that loaded question, “I rented a few DVD’s, would you like to come over and watch them with me?” We were having a really great time on our second date: great conversation and the chemistry was bananas! These were all good signs that I wouldn’t suffer from post-date traumatic stress .
As we were leaving the comedy show, we both said that we didn’t want the date to end. While I was imagining our next stop to be Café Intermezzo or taking a walk through Centennial Park, Dennis had something else in mind.
The thing about “movies at my place� is that it can sometimes be “guy speak� for let’s watch a few skin flicks and try to reenact. Now I didn’t know for sure if Dennis in fact, had this in mind. So I told him that I thought it was too early for us to be sitting on his couch, cuddled up. I had no plans to see if our chemistry was going to spark a hot reaction in that way.
He didn’t seem to have a problem that I declined watching the movie at his place - so I thought. Then he said, “Well, it is getting late�. I kept my alternative suggestions that I had to myself and I agreed that we could call it a night.
Early the next morning, I get a call from Dennis asking to meet up for breakfast. He was kind of quiet as we ate, and I asked him if he enjoyed our date. He said he did, although it bothered him that I didn’t feel safe going to his home. He said he honestly just wanted to watch movies and he thought he proved how much of a gentleman he was. He said, unlike other men, he can respect a woman he sleeps with, and doesn’t mind waiting until he is in a relationship.
I decided not to get into a big discussion about it because I thought I made it clear the night before. I basically just changed the subject to sports which lead to us watching the Falcons game together. I was glad I declined “movies at my place” the night before. When he called the next day, I was surprised because I seriously wondered if he was really interested in developing a relationship or if he was Mr. Hit and Run.
When you are dating someone new, do you think being in their space, staying over, and acting like a couple is a good idea?
Does that fast forward things through the dating stages too fast?
Do men have trouble respecting the women they sleep with or is it that they have trouble sleeping with women they respect?
My girl Lena said that she regretted having her guy over for dinner on their second date. Since that time, he only suggests “home dates” each time they get together. She also has problems getting rid of him when she is ready to reclaim her space. He brings over enough clothes for work on Monday, and sometimes Tuesday. She said that timing is everything in dating, like most things, but the right activities at the wrong time, is still wrong.
Have you ever dated someone that loved your place too much and overstayed their welcome when they came over? How did you handle it?
Permalink | Comments (277) | Categories: Dating
A reasonable request
The Atlanta Journal-Constitution
All of us have favors that we want to ask our date to do. So much so that Glamour magazine is running a poll right now asking: What things do you think are reasonable requests to make of your date?
The options range from “ask your boyfriend to buy you tampons” to “ask your boyfriend to convert for you.”
I’d love to know where your limits lie along that very wide spectrum, but I’m more interested in what you’ve actually done in the past.
What’s the biggest request you’ve ever made of a boyfriend or girlfriend — or a potential one? What happened? How did it affect the relationship? Was your request a condition of starting or continuing the relationship? Have you asked someone to move for you, divorce their current spouse or leave their current partner, change their church…?
I’m having a hard time thinking of my answer to this question. I wonder what this says about me. I consider myself an extremely generous person - is it hard for me to ask for favors in return? Is this a bad thing - am I going out of my way and not getting enough in return?
Is it hard for you to ask for favors, or maybe a little too easy?
Permalink | Comments (206) | Categories: Dating
Drumroll….”Will you marry me?”
The Atlanta Journal-Constitution
One of my best friends from high school just got engaged. And of course, my first question, like everyone else: “How did he ask?”
For some reason, women looooove tales of proposals. I love Martha and Hunter’s story; he asked her in the place where he first was sure he was in love with her (or so he claims), and her parents were hiding in the bushes, taking pictures. I love my favorite ‘Bama Babe’s story perhaps most of all: Her adorable boyfriend took her on a moonlit walk in one of her favorite places in Birmingham, having arranged it in advance with the security guard, and had written “WILL YOU MARRY ME” on the trail ahead of time. He took care of every detail, even stashing a buddy at the site to drive his truck home so he could ride with his new fiancee.
Some stories aren’t so glamorous. One of my best friends was a maid of honor in a wedding where the groom proposed by abruptly asking his girlfriend to pull over to the side of the road, where he, ringless, popped the question while kneeling on the concrete as traffic sped by.
The husband of an acquaintance of mine, both Atlantans, even started a business to help men come up with the perfect way to ask women to marry them: www.magicproposals.com.
I wonder why women place so much stock in these stories. Is it just a vicarious, romantic addiction? Or does it have some deeper meaning? Joshua Levs of Magic Proposals claims that the way he proposed to his wife shaped their life together to come. Can this be true?
Those of you who are married, how did your proposal go? How was it received? Do you think it mattered how you asked?
Those of you who aren’t… Guys, do you have a plan for the perfect proposal? Or will you tailor it to the woman in question? Women, do you have a dream about how a guy might ask you? Do you care how he asks? Do you like hearing the tales of how engagements came to be as much as I do?
What about women proposing to men? Good idea, horrible idea?
Permalink | Comments (226) | Categories: Marriage
Without a safety net
The Atlanta Journal-Constitution
In a lot of things in life, it’s smart to have a backup plan. Your career. Your commute. Your finances. Your plans for the weekend.
But what about dating?
Is it best to risk it all on one person, or have someone waiting in the wings in case of emergency?
It’s rare that I ever feel completely like I have absolutely no prospects. Even if I don’t have a new hot contender occupying my thoughts, I have a couple of old fallbacks; the longtime crush with whom things never materialized but maybe sometime could, the ex, etc. And, usually, even if I’m not actually seeing anyone, I have my sights set on someone, or know someone who seems like they might have some kind of potential.
How about y’all? Do you keep an active roster of currents and potentials? Or, like me, do you just always sort of keep some people in the back of your mind?
Do you feel restless or uncomfortable if there’s absolutely no one on the horizon?
Has it ever backfired to have backups? Or saved you from a bad situation?
Permalink | Comments (189) | Categories: Matters of the Heart
Taking no (or no way) for an answer
The Atlanta Journal-Constitution
Scenario: You’re interested in someone. Like, really interested. Crushing hard. You take your time, gather your courage, and…you bite the bullet and ask them on a date.
They say no.
Ouch.
So you retreat. You lick your wounds. But what next?
Does no always mean no for good? Or is it worth continuing to try? How do you know when to stop, give up, and walk away?
I know plenty of people who have harbored crushes on a member of the opposite sex for a long time, despite rejections, overt or subtle. Is it necessary to spell it out to someone who’s interested in you that you don’t want to date them — and do you have to keep spelling it out once you’ve said it once before?
Sometimes, people do really change their minds. I had already told Starving Artist once that I didn’t want to date him before we ended up getting together a few weeks later.
My friend Veronica reports that a male buddy of hers has asked her out for the third time. His persistence may be wearing her down; she’s considering saying yes, just until something better comes along. Is this something that should give hope to the persistent “I’ll keep asking til they say yes” types, or is it just further proof that if she really wanted to go, she would have said yes to begin with, and even now, she may not really want to date him?
Is this persistence admirable? Flattering? Annoying? Desperate?
When, if ever, should you refuse to take no for an answer?
Permalink | Comments (184) | Categories: Dating
Patterning your relationship
The Atlanta Journal-Constitution
I was having drinks the other night with a good friend of mine, and she was telling me about a couple she knows who recently were divorced. Although there are always many reasons at play when a couple splits up, one of the things that we were talking about and found interesting was that the two of them had established some unhealthy emotional patterns early on in their relationship that they never managed to break. Essentially, they got into a power play that persisted every time they fought, in the same way.
I wondered to myself, are patterns unbreakable? Are the first few days, weeks or months of your relationship truly the most important — do they set the tone for what’s to come? Will you always fight the same way, have the same person calling the shots, relate on the same levels, attack problems the same way, communicate the same way?
Then I thought about a couple I know who met when they were quite young, about 18, and got married. Now that they are in their mid-20s, it seems to me that their patterns of dealing with things must have changed, now that they are confronting “adult” situations and issues that are very different from the concerns they initially faced as a couple. Do you think that’s true? As you and your partner grow older, can your patterns evolve?
If you are in a relationship or married right now, what emotional patterns do you think you have, healthy or unhealthy?
What past relationship patterns have you had?
Permalink | Comments (170) | Categories: Relationships
Call Me When You’re Sober
The Atlanta Journal-Constitution
You never call me when you’re sober
You only want it cause it’s over
Evanesence - The Open Door
When I heard the new single by Evanesence on the radio, it immediately took me back to a defining moment of my relationship with Simpson. He was a handsome 6’2, former basketball athlete. We had a fast and intense courtship that left my head spinning. We were introduced by my best friend at a party one weekend and we hit it off really well. He said between my sexy black boots and dance moves, he really didn’t stand much of a chance - poor guy.
It wasn’t long before someone commented on how much he drank. Apparently, he drank during the week, and on the weekend, and it was never minimal. When I was growing up, I just never saw my father drink. I honestly had a hard time gauging whether Simpson had a problem.
I hadn’t heard from him in days, but one Sunday night Simpson called me extremely inebriated. He said he was near my place and wanted to see me. Of course I went to get him. I feared he would hurt someone or get a DUI. I had never seen him that drunk before and it finally woke me up to how bad his drinking really was. As he stood there tossing his cookies in the bushes, looking pitiful, I finally realized that I couldn’t continue seeing him.
A few days ago, not long after I first heard Call Me When You’re Sober on the radio, Simpson called me. This time he was sober. I didn’t answer the phone but he left a long, intense voicemail. I toyed with the idea of calling him back, but I decided against it. I may be single these days but I am not interested in rekindling things with him, sober or not. I suppose I would always wonder if he would relapse.
How do you determine whether your date is just a “social drinker” or if they have a problem?
Have you ever dated someone that had a drinking problem? If so, did you break up with them immediately or did you try to get them help? How do you address your concerns with them, or do you try?
Permalink | Comments (309) | Categories: Breakups
Doing it in broad daylight
The Atlanta Journal-Constitution
Physical attraction is an important factor in establishing a connection with someone new. First impressions can go a long way. As shallow as it may sound, human beings tend to make snap judgments about each other based on their appearance. This is especially true when you see a guy or girl in broad daylight. Those chance encounters we have on the dating scene don’t always happen at night. Just going about our daily routine, we have opportunities to meet other singles. Do you have more success meeting people on evenings and weekends than during the day?
There are perks to the daytime approach: You can check the ring finger easier. You can somewhat gauge whether the person is employed or not. You can get an accurate reading of what they actually look like since you are sober and aren’t in a poorly lit area (well, hopefully!) Basically, you increase the likelihood of potential compatibility, even if it is something small.
These are a few places where I have spotted potential dates or have been approached during the day:
The Gym - more specifically Yoga class. Listen, nobody was more surprised then me to see good looking guys taking Hot Yoga. Who knew the modern man was so comfortable meditating and sweating with strangers?
Grocery store. It may sound like a cliché but the supermarket absolutely offers men and women a chance to check each other out. You can learn a lot from the contents of a person’s grocery cart. Ladies, if you see any feminine hygiene products – smile and keep walking! Guys – if you spot protein shakes and/or muscle building products - well, be careful. I suggest Whole Foods or the Farmer’s market on a weekday after work or weekend mornings. It’s like a buffet (pun intended) of single people who probably eat healthy and know how to cook. What’s hotter than a guy or girl in an apron?
Walking. I love the area where I live because on the weekends, I usually don’t even bother getting in my car. I can walk to many places on my block that could possibly take me to well populated areas. My personal favorite is the holy grail of literate men: the bookstore, or ladies the hot spot for active and fit men: the basketball court.
Lunch spots. My favorite Thai food restaurant is guaranteed to have at least one great looking guy. It’s the strangest thing because I actually notice when I don’t see one! The servers at my favorite Irish pub are quite handsome too.
Elevators. When I met the hottie in my building, we were getting in the elevator. After I stopped drooling over him long enough, we became friends and he had a SLEW of eligible bachelor friends that I met later. You never know what can happen with the six degrees of separation in Atlanta!
Do you manage to meet single men or women as you go about your daily life?
How can you meet that special man or woman as they are walking down the street? What ways do you make yourself stand out with so little time to dazzle?
How can single people strike up a conversation without coming off as desperate?
Is there a difference in how you approach potential dates at night versus during the day?
Permalink | Comments (199) | Categories: How We Met
This is ONLY a test
The Atlanta Journal-Constitution
Whether he is a player or a great guy, some men have a way of screening women to qualify her, so to speak. From the moment they spot her the initial screening test begins. He is really curious about her and wants to know what she is about and what caliber of woman she is. The information they gather through their random tests help them determine different things about the woman. Things such as her desperation level, her patience, her perception, her inhabitations, even her “sanity”.
Now, I am not knocking the men for their pre-relationship screening tests, especially if their goal is to marry or commit. There are just some things men need to be sure about before they give up their bachelor lifestyle and freedom. I have experienced a few male tests in my dating career. Some I failed miserably, and some I passed. Over time, I learned that best thing to have (in abundance) for a man’s test is self-esteem. This generally prepared me for just about anything.
Ladies, chime in with any dating tests you have administered or experienced on/with men.
Guys, tell us about the tests that women have put you through.
Do you know when your “dating performance” is being rated?
Do you think these dating tests are helpful or harmful?
What mistakes do men and women make with date tests?
One challenge in the dating scene is getting useful feedback. If there are areas of improvement, how do we convey this to one another? Should we even try to give feedback?
How many of us are conducting date/mate tests right now?
Permalink | Comments (329) | Categories: Dating
Take This Ring Off
The Atlanta Journal-Constitution
I don’t know about other single women in Atlanta, but I have had moments where I was a magnet for the married “bachelors�. There can be a room full of eligible bachelors, and yours truly will somehow manage to end up next to Mr. Married Bachelor. You know the type of guy who is married, but still looking. The one whose wife has no idea that he is living like a single man, i.e. on the dating scene, flirting, getting phone numbers, etc. They take their ring off like it was any other accessory they wear on a whim.
Have you noticed many married people on the dating scene trying to hook up? Guys, do you meet many married women looking for no strings attached encounters? How do they approach you? How do you respond?
Some married people don’t even bother hiding their marital status when they are mixing and mingling with the single people. I am all for flirting because it is fun and healthy! However, when you start arranging private rendezvous, seeking out quality time and attention from married people, you are just inviting drama and heartache into your life.
I admit that I have a few male friends that I enjoy talking to, but I have yet to meet their wives. I try to convey the idea that I am in NO way trying to be a home wrecker. I wouldn’t want single women befriending my husband, spending a lot of time with him, unbeknownst to me. I am pretty sure they don’t want to bed me, but I know they may find me attractive. I just don’t intend to cross the line, so things really remain drama free. I value our friendship, appreciate their male advice, but I would never disrespect their marriage in any way. I use the same principal with men who are living with someone too.
Why do you think some single people seek out men and women who are married? What is the appeal?
Should single people avoid building friendships with married people out of respect for their mates?
Should single people avoid relationship karma by steering clear of the married, (but still looking) “single” people?
Would you date someone who is legally separated or who just moved out?
Permalink | Comments (295) | Categories: Mix & Mingle
Romance According to Mars
The Atlanta Journal-Constitution
When my friend Kendall told me that she was buying her boyfriend a miter saw for their one anniversary, I couldn’t help but tease her a bit. Nothing says romance like a power saw! Since I was instrumental in hiding the gift, I got to see her guy’s response when he laid eyes on it. He was elated!. She gave the man what he really wanted…romance according to Mars, not Venus.
Many women think red roses, candlelight dinners, champagne, and surprise weekend getaways when they think of romance. Men don’t necessarily associate all these sappy things with romance but, many go along with it, to make us happy. In dating, romance also takes on different faces.
When two people are dating, the simple sweet gestures are full of romance because it is mixed with the possibilities of something deeper. Since men and women perceive romance differently, women sometimes miss the romantic gestures that men display in dating.
I asked a few male friends of mine what romance meant to them. They also shared what they considered romantic gestures. Surprisingly, it didn’t really have to do with the bedroom.
Men really dig compliments. They like it when we notice great things about them, whether it is a nice comment about their tool belt or their Kenneth Cole belt, they completely eat it up. It helps if the compliment is actually genuine, and not overreaching.
Customized dates. Sure you can make reservations at the restaurant you adore, possibly where you have been with countless other men, but creating an evening that is specifically geared to your date’s wishes, likes, and favorites scores many points with the fellas.
Small things go a long way. Guys seem to be sticking to that whole “we are easy to please” notion, and I just may start to believe them. The men said that even small things like, having his favorite beer at your house, getting the NFL network on your digital cable, or buying him socks that screams romance to them. It shows that you care enough to make efforts just for him. Not unlike the ladies, effort = romance.
What are other man-approved romantic gestures?
Ladies, what is the most romantic date you have experienced? How do you romance a guy you are dating?
Guys, what is your idea of romance in dating? How does it change once a relationship is developing?
Does romance or lack of romance determine compatibility?
Permalink | Comments (153) | Categories: Dating
Type-casting
The Atlanta Journal-Constitution
Yesterday, I was settling in for a little girl talk with my friend Bryant about the latest interesting gentleman I had met. She doesn’t know the guy in question, so I had to provide her with a photo visual aid so she could agree about his cuteness. But she was initially confused - because, lo and behold, in the pictures I sent her, there was a guy who she thought totally fit “my type” — and he WASN’T the one I had ended up flirting my butt off with! But, of course, she’d assumed it was.
Nope. I ended up with my interest piqued by the preppy guy. Not an artsy guy, which is the type I always say I think is so hot. Not a hipster. The…gasp…businessman.
But then Bryant and I had a revelation. Wait a minute, Laney. You ALWAYS end up with the preppy guy. You love the artsy guys, but it never goes anywhere. You date the preppy ones. Mr. Big, the investment banker, being the major case in point.
So what’s the deal, folks? Psychoanalyze me. Why am I attracted to one type of guy so overwhelmingly, yet never seem to end up following through on it beyond a crush? Does this happen to you? Is there one type of guy or girl you crush on, and a whole different one that you actually date?
Do you think you have a “type”? If so, what does that mean to you?
Did you end up dating or marrying someone totally different — even opposite — from your normal “type”?
How to improve your score (no pun intended)
The Atlanta Journal-Constitution
I was having a conversation recently with a guy who professed to being very bad with women when he started out in his dating career. I said to him, “You know, women aren’t that hard to figure out.” And he said, “Well, that’s true….once you know the rules. I just didn’t even know where to start in seeing what girls would like!”
So for the benefit of him, and guys like him, I’m willing to give a little insight into the female mind — and I hope the gentlemen out there will reciprocate with a little help for the ladies who are baffled by guys’ brains!
I polled a few of my female friends (thanks, girls!) and here’s the list we came up with of things we like our boys to do, ranging from teeny-weeny gestures to slightly bigger things.
- When he calls or texts to make sure you got home OK
- When he remembers how you like your coffee, or what you put on your sandwich, and gets it for you that way
- Coming to your door to pick you up instead of waiting in the car for you to come out
- Asking about your friends or family, even ones he hasn’t met, and remembering who’s who
- When he goes out of his way to be nice to your friends
- When he comes up with endearing little nicknames for you
- Doing random little chores for you, like making the bed in the morning before you can or doing your dishes
- When he could be somewhere else but he chooses to be with you because he knows it’s important, or when he comes with you to a work/family event he isn’t too jazzed about attending
- Keeping a picture of you somewhere, like in his bedroom or even his desk at work
As far as we’re concerned, do any of these things, and you’ll get major points.
Girls, any quibble with my list? Anything you’d like to add?
Guys, any success or failure trying these things? And what are the reciprocal things that girls can score big by doing?
Permalink | Comments (295) | Categories: Dating
Monster in law?
The Atlanta Journal-Constitution
So, you’re in love. (Or at least in lust.) Everything is going swimmingly.
And then…it’s time to meet the parents. And all of a sudden, it feels more like drowning than swimming.
My friend who got married this weekend was ecstatic and euphoric about everything to do with her wedding and future … with the possible exception of her mother in law. There was drama before the wedding, drama in the planning, drama at the rehearsal, because the mama in question is just a TAD possessive of her baby boy, and not really keen on the idea of giving him up to another woman.
It happens like that sometimes — where it’s not really you, but that nothing and no one is good enough for the parents. But sometimes, the parents take specific umbrage to you — you’re the wrong race, don’t have a good enough job, too liberal (or conservative), too this, not enough that. How can you convince them to overlook these objections? What experiences like this have you had?
How do you navigate the “in-laws” successfully? I put it in quotes because I think the same theories apply whether or not you’re actually married to your partner - you still may have to deal with their parents.
Is a bad in-law situation a potential relationship killer?
What kind of experiences have you had with your significant other’s parents?
Permalink | Comments (172) | Categories: Relationships
Cleanliness is next to….
The Atlanta Journal-Constitution
Recently, I found myself at a gentleman’s apartment in the evening. A lovely, clean-cut, successful, professional type guy, older than myself by a few years. He had invited me back after dinner so that I could borrow some books from him…
As he was unlocking the door, I thought to myself, “What’s that smell?”
And then I walked in. And I saw the dirty laundry all over the living room floor. Everything from underwear (!) to towels and shorts. I saw the piles of dirty dishes and cups on the coffee table, which, upon closer inspection, were developing mold. Trash all over the kitchen counters. More laundry all over the bathroom and living room floors. Towels tacked up over the windows in lieu of curtains. And the piece de resistance: The juice spilled on the living room floor and covered up with a piece of newspaper.
Clearly, I high-tailed it out of there as fast as I could. I didn’t even want to sit down!
Now, I’m not a spotlessly neat person. I keep things reasonably tidy, but there will be the occasional unmopped floor or unmade bed or dishes in the sink for a day or two longer than they ought to be. Clutter happens, in my house at least. But I don’t think I could ever try to date someone who lived in squalor!
For some reason, I’ve dated a few METICULOUSLY neat guys who make me feel like a slob! It’s good because it forces me to clean up, I guess…
Are you the clean one or the messy one in your relationship? Does it matter to you how your guy or girl keeps his or her place in order?
Do you prefer to rendezvous at your date’s place or your own? Is cleanliness (of your place or theirs!) a factor?
What stories of neatness obsession or messiness horror exist in your dating past?
Permalink | Comments (317) | Categories: Dating
Against all odds
The Atlanta Journal-Constitution
This weekend, I was a bridesmaid in one of my best friends’ weddings. It was a beautiful affair from start to finish, and I shed plenty of tears during the ceremony. But one of the few jarring moments of the entire weekend came during the rehearsal dinner, when a friend of the groom’s family got up to make a toast.
He announced, “Well, we are pleased to be witnessing this marriage, though of course, they only have a 50-50 shot of making it, according to the odds. Maybe a little bit less than that.”
How’s that for inspirational pre-wedding talk?
But it got me thinking. The divorce rate in America is, of course, at an alarmingly high level. It seems that most people will end up splitting from their spouses and, possibly, marrying again. And that’s just talking about marriage — clearly there are relationships failing left and right every day.
Do those odds scare you from wanting to be married, or wanting to be in a relationship?
How pervasive is the fear that trying may mean failing and being hurt? We all know how to make smart investments, smart bets at the casino or poker table or office pool, smart gambles on many risks. Why do so many people gamble at marriage and lose?
Do you think most people still have the attitude that they only will be married once? Do you personally? Do the high odds of divorce change your attitude about marriage or dating?
How can we overcome our fear that we’re working against the odds to make our relationships or marriages last?
Permalink | Comments (274) | Categories: Relationships
