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AJC.com > Living > Blog > Archives > 2006 > September
September 2006
Oh, Baby!
The Atlanta Journal-Constitution
Do you know what today is? It’s Friday! Not just any Friday, my friend…it’s Fetish Friday. Last week, Laney gave us all a chance to boast on our hidden talents, skills, and tricks that your date or mate could totally fall for. Some of you shared all those perks that you could offer the right person. Well, today let’s explore those fun and frisky fetishes that you may or may not want to cop to!
One definition of fetish is: “An abnormally obsessive preoccupation or attachment; a fixation.� I will admit to mine first, hopefully you will still respect me tomorrow!
Shoe fetish: It’s not a game with me and shoes . Seriously, I just love them and how they make me feel. The many fabulous styles, colors, heels. Don’t even get me started on boots - I have already begun my annual Fabulous Boot Search for the fall season! Many great moments of my life centered around either buying, wearing, or shopping for shoes. When I see a pair that I adore, my mouth waters, my pulse races…total excitement, over a shoe.
Frisky fetish: I would say that it is definitely going to be latex/rubber suits. Now, I have yet to own one, but they do fascinate me. Just the thought of being in one sends a few chills up my spine naughty grin. When I get married, I hope my husband won’t run screaming from the honeymoon suite when he gets a load of me wearing something straight out of the Matrix Trilogy!
What sort of fetishes do you have? Are there any that you would NEVER admit to your partner or friend?
Has a date ever shared a fetish with you that sent you screaming out of the room?
Fetishes can be very random and who can ever really tell where they come from? Is it possible to have a fetish and not really know it?
I want to welcome all new readers, lurkers, and our favorite cast of blog characters to join in - and as always, keep your comments clean!
Happy Friday Everyone!
Permalink | Comments (235) | Categories: Mix & Mingle
Say Anything
The Atlanta Journal-Constitution
We have all heard that old saying “Women give sex to get love, whereas men give love to get sex�. I don’t know if this rings true more now than it did before. Being single in the “He’s (She’s) Just Not That Into You� era certainly places men and women on a different playing field in the dating game. Despite the latest dating self-help fad, and forgetting years of bad dating decisions, some women somehow disregard the fact that men can fake love and intimacy just as easily as we can fake the big O.
I have yet to see the “give sex to get love” thing work out. It always plays out like a bad romantic movie: Boy tells girl she’s The One, tosses out a bogus I love you, boy gets laid, then boy tells girl to hit the road (ok, he may ask her to make a sandwich or something first).
Women can’t just blame guys for this anymore because we are no victims. We need to learn how men really behave when they make the choice to be in a relationship and fall in love. Men seem to be a lot more pragmatic in how they proceed romantically with a woman. They generally tend to be pretty damn sure about how they feel before they put any type of investment in someone.
The good thing about men and their pragmatism with dating and falling in love is that they usually go full court press, once they are sure.. This is why they take their time making the choice to date, fall in love, and commit. They meticulously measure their options with “male” logic, reason, and careful assessment. Then there is that whole, forsake all others thing about relationships that can make some men a little twitchy. Actually, women aren’t always cool with that either.
I think more and more women are adopting this approach to dating. At least I hope we are! We need to reign in those romantic notions and get practical - just like the fellas. If we do, we can know how to spot the “say anything” guy. He is the type of guy that uses that “future talkâ€? stuff as a wooing technique.
Listen, if you and I met exactly seven days ago, you really have no idea how fabulous I really am. Yea, it’s cool that you see my representative as someone you want to wife up – it’s flattering, really. However, suggesting that you are ready to go ring shopping, repeatedly saying you want me to be your baby (retch), and promising me that you will take SUCH good care of me (after ONE week), honestly makes you appear a bit nuts. After you have seen all my flaws and imperfections, I would feel a lot better about your staying power.
Ladies, do you find that men will say anything, feeding you a fantasy in the very early stages? Do you ever find yourself playing along because it just sounds so delightful? How do we prevent ourselves from becoming jaded when we have these characters hyping up a fantasy, only to disappoint later?
Guys, what kind of advice can you give women on how to handle those “say anything� men that we meet?
Have you met women who use “say anything” wooing techniques on you? The type of woman that pretends she is cool with you dating other people, but she is really thinking of how to get rid of any competition. How do you know if she is saying anything to convince you that she is dating you on your terms but has her own hidden agenda?
Showing/expressing your interest or feelings too early in dating can be a red flag to me, but am I just cynical?
Permalink | Comments (280) | Categories: Dating
Selective Chivalry
The Atlanta Journal-Constitution
I don’t know if other women have seen it, but I have spotted chivalry walking around Atlanta. It may not look like our mother’s or grandmother’s chivalry because today there are different ways of exhibiting chivalrous behavior.
I generally have men I know (and don’t know) holding doors open for me. However, on my last date with Dennis, he instinctively hopped out of the car, while I sat my cute self in the passenger seat, watching him head to the door to the restaurant. He chuckled as he doubled back, realizing that I fully intended to wait until he came to open the door for me. Yes, I had two working arms, but he drove a big truck and I had on a short skirt - I wanted and needed help getting out. Besides, he helped me into the truck with no prompting from me - why not keep that going?
I admit that it just dawned on me that some men dish out chivalry selectively. Some men decide if a woman is really worthy of his gallant gestures because they don’t want to end up feeling unappreciated.
Although tradition dictates that men should be the chivalrous ones, they still look to women to be considerate in other ways. Guys, what type of chivalry do you like to see from women? What are ways we can reciprocate without making you feel uncomfortable?
Ladies, how do you respond when someone attempts to be chivalrous? Do you think it is genuine most of the time?
How has chivalrous behaviors changed over the years and does it reflect the society we live in today?
Do you think chivalry impacts the dating scene and relationships?
Permalink | Comments (471) | Categories: Mix & Mingle
Romance & Finance
The Atlanta Journal-Constitution
Ok so money is not exactly the most romantic subject but the fact is, money matters a lot in dating. Even in the early stages of dating, it is the silent, third partner that is hanging out with you two. Money can be a tricky thing on the dating scene.
I have dated Mr. Money before and honestly there were many times we never agreed on money matters. He was very smart with money, financially secure, and a saver and I was a spoiled Daddy’s girl who loved to spend and get pampered (oh how I miss those days). We had vastly different upbringings and that meant we were diametrically opposed when it came to finances - and boy did it show. All he talked about was money and how he refused to be poor again - which was understandable and admirable even. However, when it came to my views on money, he felt that he knew more, he made more, and he had the most power. I learned a lot about dating and money while I was dating…Mr. Money.
I do feel that it is important to not see money as a challenge in dating, though. Practically speaking, it is just something we should be mindful of. It is important to find out whether you see eye to eye on financial matters when dating, but when do you bring it up?
What happens when you are a fan of valet parking but you are dating someone that refuses to pay to park? Or what if you cut coupons and your date is embarrassed when you pull them out? Can it really work? Can your opposing beliefs regarding money issues co-exist?
Are there ways to tell if you are financially compatible when you are just dating?
Permalink | Comments (293) | Categories: Dating
Honey, Please Shut Up
The Atlanta Journal-Constitution
I have racked up an insane amount of dates in my short, albeit fun, dating career. This means that when it comes to saying or hearing the wrong thing from a guy, I have pretty much experienced it all. I have been the victim of horrible, tacky, inappropriate comments from guys who, for whatever reason, believed that what they were saying was charming or endearing.
From the younger guy I dated who once proclaimed to “love me so much it hurts”, to the older man who demanded that I let him place my order with the server next time. Yea, I have had some doozies! I think I could write a book, entitled Honey, Please shut up! Guys have literally talked themselves out of a chance because they didn’t know when to zip it. Sometimes less IS more, especially if you lack a “filter” on what is appropriate to say.
I can admit to my own faux pas too. I have been that anxious girl who rambled on way too much, never letting the poor guy get a word in edgewise. Sometimes when I am really, really, REALLY attracted to a guy, I get a little chatty. I try to curb this by keeping a beverage handy (bottled water, Starbucks, etc) - anything that can shut me up and let Mr. Fine actually impress me with his charm.
I can also recall a time or two when I had to literally leave the room when my boyfriend said something incredibly insensitive, stupid, or downright ridiculous. If only girlfriends came with instruction manuals on what to say or do to us. A manual with a few tips that would deter us from wanting to punch men in the throat – unfortunately guys don’t like reading directions – ha!
Nobody is perfect though. We have all regretted saying something to people we care about or wanted to impress. Communication is a huge element in dating and relationships that can be a hurdle for some.
If there were a list for top things you should never say on a date, or on the dating scene what would you put on it?
What are things you should never say to a man? What should men be forbidden to say to a woman?
If you have said something you regretted on a date, or during a discussion with someone you are interested in, is there ever a way to make up for it?
What about in a relationship, how do you manage damage control when you put your foot in your mouth?
Do women take comments from guys too seriously? Should we develop a thicker skin? Are guys really clueless about what is appropriate to say to us or are we asking the impossible: considerate and sensitive men - well, most days, that is.?
Permalink | Comments (182) | Categories: Dating
Fall-ing in love again
The Atlanta Journal-Constitution
The past few days here in the ATL have been absolutely gorgeous. Sunny, clear…and even with a little bit of a chill in the air. Am I right to think that, perhaps, fall is almost upon us?
I don’t know about the rest of you, but cool weather tends to change what I feel like doing when it comes to a date. Drive-in movies, mini golf and evening walks in the park go a lot better with 85-degree weather than they do with 55-degree weather! Plus, sweaters make me want to snuggle, whereas when it’s blazing hot out, I’m more thinking “ew, you’re sweaty, stay back a little.” Fall is the perfect time for me for starting something new to keep me warm all winter long.
So what are your favorite fall dates? Here are some ideas — but I’d love to hear yours.
Check out the North Georgia State Fair in Marietta . Nothing like a little funnel cake to get you in the mood for something even sweeter!
Skip the outdoor patios and head inside your favorite bar instead. Pool, air hockey and darts are a super-fun way to make sure that “meeting for a drink” isn’t just “sitting at a table staring at each other”. Some of my fave spots for pool: the Highlander in Midtown, Twain’s in Decatur.
Hit up a college football game and cheer away. Much more fun than the pros, and cheaper, I think. Just make sure she’s not a huge fan of the Yellow Jackets before you take her to the UGA-Tech game.
Create your own Oktoberfest. You’ll never have a better excuse to get your Cosmo-sipping high-class gal to down a pint of ale.
And, of course, there’s always snuggling inside by the warm light of the new fall TV season. Mmm…McDreamy.
What other ideas do you have for cooler-weather dates? Do you feel frisky in the fall? Any hopes for an autumn romance?
Permalink | Comments (232) | Categories: Dating
Tricks up our sleeves
The Atlanta Journal-Constitution
Yesterday we talked about the reasons why some of us remain single. Today, I want to talk about the things we have to offer a partner. Single or in a relationship, we all have “hidden talents” that make us uniquely awesome as a boyfriend or girlfriend — let’s hear what you have to give!
Bragging is definitely encouraged. Something I think will be interesting is to see whether the things we think make us a badass date are the things that other people are looking for, or if there are other things we could learn to pick up from our blog buddies!
I’ll go first — it’s only fair.
I give killer massages. I’ve had training and I do in fact know what I am doing! And I won’t get bored or tired after 5 minutes, either.
I love to cook for my dates. (I specialize in Italian, and baking — you bring the wine.)
I make absolutely amazing mix CDs! It’s an art form, just ask John Cusack.
All right — now it’s your turn! What are your best little tricks in a relationship? What quirky little things make you a great date? What are your favorite
Permalink | Comments (349) | Categories: Mix & Mingle
Singles, unite! It’s your week
The Atlanta Journal-Constitution
I have been remiss.
I should have informed y’all earlier: National Unmarried and Singles Week (Sept. 17-23) is under way.
For those of us who need to celebrate this week, we aren’t alone: The 2004 U.S. Census says there are 89 million unmarried Americans who can celebrate with us.
(89 million, and I can’t find a date any time recently? Anyway…)
In honor of the week, I’d like to pose a challenge to all of you singles out there. Why do you think you are single? Are your standards too high? Are there not enough men/women at your workplace/gym/you name the spot? Are you too emotional? A bad communicator? Do you not go out enough to meet people? Work strange hours? Do your kids or other family obligations hold you back? Or do you just plain really like not being in a relationship? Do you just love being single?
A little honest soul-searching here could help all of us. Of course we may not know exactly why we are single, but if we can try to figure out what things it might be, it might give us — and others — some ideas of what to work on if we want to find a relationship!
And for those of you who are not single, I’d like to know: What are the most important qualities you need to be in a successful relationship? What should single people strive to make sure they have in their bag of emotional tricks in order to move from Solidly Single to Perpetually Partnered? What changes did you have to make to leave the single life behind?
Permalink | Comments (365) | Categories: Current Events
Fate, and some more fun stuff
The Atlanta Journal-Constitution
Yesterday, I, wisely or unwisely, brought up the fact that perhaps my nurturing nature in relationships has something to do with me being a Cancer. It’s true, I think! For whatever reason, I do kind of believe in “that stuff.” Maybe there are some things beyond our control that affect our compatibility with someone…
Mm-hmm, yep, and I do sure believe in fate. Maybe I haven’t found my soul mate yet, but I believe I will when I’m destined to. Moreover, I believe that all the relationships I have been in, no matter how colossal of failures or great of successes, happened for a reason and were meant to be that way.
How about y’all? Do you think there is a greater plan out there determining when we will meet the love of our lives? Is fate playing a role, or is it all luck and chance? Or, maybe, you make your own fate through hard work? What’s your take on it?
Do you believe in astrology and star signs? Do you fit your zodiac sign’s description? Is your mate compatible for you, according to the stars? www.astrologyzone.com is one place to check whether your match is made in heaven, according to the stars.
Are there other slightly mysterious factors you believe determine your compatibility with a man or woman? Any fans of numerology, tarot cards, or fortune-tellers on this blog? Personally, I’m scared to death of them — what if they tell me something bad? — but I know many people who swear that the prophesies that fortune-tellers made ended up coming true for their love lives.
Permalink | Comments (321) | Categories: Dating
Holding out for a hero?
The Atlanta Journal-Constitution
I’ve spent most of the last week flat on my back in bed.
And not in the good way, either.
I have been sick as a dog (no offense to my dog or any others meant), and, clearly, as a result, I haven’t been doing a lot of dating. What I have been doing is reading a lot of romance novels. (OK, quit laughing…there’s not much else to do when you’re running a 103 degree fever!)
Something that struck me? Every single one of these romance novels — and I mean, every. single. one. — features a man who saves a woman from some kind of sticky situation. Whether it’s financial, romantic, or personal entanglements, the man always steps in and plays the hero — and sweeps the lady off her feet in the process. They marry a woman to save her from ruin, protect her reputation from unfair smearing, save her from a menacing criminal.
Here’s what I want to know. How much relevance does this really have? Women of the blog, do you want a guy who can play the hero? Has a guy ever stepped up to really save you from a dire situation? What happened? How did it make you feel?
Men, have you ever played the hero for a lady? What have you done? Would you like to play that role, or do you think it’s a hopelessly out-of-date — or too romantic — a concept?
What about the lady being the hero for her knight in shining armor?
Permalink | Comments (290) | Categories: Matters of the Heart
The Dating Scene: A Primer!
The Atlanta Journal-Constitution
If we are going to be out on the scene mixing and mingling, we may as well be equipped with handy essentials that could improve our chances of actually attracting dates. Everyone likes to say, “Just be yourself�. Ok..what happens if your natural self is prone to fumbles, clumsiness, or stumbling? Working on your confidence can really make a difference, so a little research can go a long way.
Attraction is a tricky thing because many of us have a broad range of what catches our eye. Taking a page from Vibe.com’s dating playbook: What are the best ways to approach, engage, make an impression, and ace the first date? What happens when you invite them to your crib for the first time?
That’s a lot of stuff to cover, right? We may even have to revisit the Dating Scene Primers again next month! Alright, it’s going down today - are you ready?
Approach Ladies, tell the guys the most effective approaches that have made you swoon, and what makes you want to punch them! Guys, tell the ladies what causes those double takes in a woman that approaches you or catches your eye.
Engage What are the most engaging conversations you can have when you meet or spot someone? What draws you into the discussion? What creeps you out?
Making an impression Ladies, what kind of attire makes you take notice? Guys, does it matter at all what we have on, as long as we look sexy? How can you possibly think we look sexy at the gym or the car wash? I have been approached in both places looking a mess! That almost makes me want to toss out my flat iron and throw away my heels, well if I didn’t feel so fabulous with these diva tools!
Aceing the first date What types of dates leave a lasting impression? Are you into adventurous dates with skydiving on the itinerary, or would you prefer a low-key evening at quiet Italian restaurant? What are a few first date etiquette rules? What are a few first date faux paus? Have you been a victim or offender of any?
Mi casa Es Su casa Ok, you made it from the approach to the first of many dates. Now it’s time to show them your humble abode. How long do you wait before someone knows your address? What do you do to prepare for their arrival? Do you hide anything (like shrines of former girlfriends? ha ha! I couldn’t resist, sorry!) Or are you an open book? How do you set the mood for the first night at your place?
We have soooo much to cover, so let’s make it count. Answer one, a few, or all, it’s up to you! Our readers range in ages, backgrounds, and personalities, so we should have a great gumbo of comments! Get your keyboard and mouse ready - by the end of the day, we should all be wiser divas and uh, dudes? smile
HAVE A WONDERFUL WEEKEND!!
Permalink | Comments (275) | Categories: Mix & Mingle
Casual Is As Casual Does
The Atlanta Journal-Constitution
Dating is not always clearly defined because it means different things to different people. The key to having a copacetic dating life is to understand exactly what you are seeking, and convey it to your dates clearly. If you two are not on the same page, or even the same playbook, things could get messy. Enter casual dating.
Casual Dating means to DATE casually, i.e. without the pressure of commitment. It is still dating, though! When two people are casually dating, they generally agree that neither is seeking anything serious at that time. The trouble usually starts when someone starts to catch feelings. This happens when two people engage in activities that “look� and “feel� like a commited relationship, thereby creating a false sense of intimacy. So let’s outline a few guidelines about casual dating. A few tips that should keep casual dating, well casual – for as long as you so desire, of course.
No need to hang out with Mr. Telephone Man. If you aren’t exploring a relationship, there shouldn’t be a need to have in-depth discussions about hopes, dreams, and fears. Your telephone conversations should be focused on arranging dates and times to meet up. Keep it light, keep it simple.
Family and friends do not need to be introduced to your casual dates, especially the children. Your casual dates probably won’t outlast your hairstyle or the football season, why bother?
Money should be spent equally, and only on activities for the two of you. Leave out any gift exchanges, monetary loans, or extravagant trips unless it is clearly understood that there are no expectations of reciprocity.
Don’t use each other just for sex. Just because you are casually dating doesn’t mean you should treat someone like a booty call. Respect each others space, time, and privacy.
Be upfront and clear about your expectations of intimacy. If you decide that you don’t want physical intimacy, it is best to state this upfront. Do not waffle on this because you could come across as playing games.
Alright, those are a few to get us started, can you think of more ways casual daters can optimize their dating experience?
Is casual dating a cool thing to try or are we simply fooling ourselves that casual dating even exists?
When (or if) you are done with casual dating, how do you transistion into something more meaningful with someone you have been casually dating?
Do you think the motive of casual dating is plausible deniability - sort of like a defense mechanism? It is easier to tell ourselves it’s casual, because if it flops, romance was never an option anyway. No muss- no fuss dating. Yeah right!
Permalink | Comments (323) | Categories: Dating
Clueless or Picky?
The Atlanta Journal-Constitution
“Women want it all, and we can’t give it to you.� I heard this profoundly amusing line last night on Men In Trees. The show stars Ann Heche, who plays a relationship expert who just learned her fiance was seeing someone else. Her response to the amusing line was that guys are basically just screwed (paraphrasing) trying to please women. Alright, so the general idea here is that women seek and desire Prince Charming to fulfill and satisfy everything we need in life. This gives the impression that we are way too picky or just plain clueless about what we want or need.
What is so amusing to me is the idea that men think that women actually want it ALL. Seriously, do men think we want every need, want, desire fulfilled by them? Generally, people believe that men are less complex beings while women are far more intricate about our desires and needs. I think we are more similar then we think, though.
Do women complicate their dating experiences because we want, expect, desire too much?
Guys, what do you think women want? Do you ever become frustrated with dating because the women you meet want too much?
Ladies, here is your chance to clarify things for guys. Do you really know what you want? Are you living off a fantasy when it comes to dating and finding Mr. Right?
Do you think single people have a hard time facing the truth of what we want?
Maybe we all could use a reality check about what we want. How much of what we want is stemmed in societal pressures that program us into thinking we need/want something we really don’t need/want?
Permalink | Comments (327) | Categories: Dating
Dangerous Dating
The Atlanta Journal-Constitution
We hear the sad reports and read the disturbing statistics every week it seems: Woman or man killed by girlfriend, boyfriend, lover, husband, or fiancée’. The tragic stories even sometimes hit close to home. A friend of mine lost her best friend recently at the hands of someone she knew and trusted. She was engaged to marry the man that took her life. As I thought about this woman and her life and tragic death, I couldn’t help but wonder how many women or men are right now involved with someone who could one day try to harm them. I worry about people who are happily in like, love or lust who have clouded judgment that prevents them from seeing warning signals.
Tragedies like this begin to serve as cautionary tales for single men and women everywhere. You really need to know who you are dating. In the past, I have dated guys who started out as “extremely affectionate and attentive� but they eventually became possessive, jealous, and controlling. Back then, I was attracted to the type of guy that was a bit smug, arrogant, and confident. This landed me smack dab in the middle of a relationship that I didn’t want or like because of how emotionally unsafe I felt with him, not to mention physically.
Perhaps there was a fine line between cocky and confident that I misjudged. When I was younger, I don’t think I knew the difference. So I had to learn the hard way. Now I take note of key things: How does he handle stressful situations? How does he handle his temper? Does he say hurtful things in a heated argument? How does he respond when he can’t reach me? The answers to these type questions could provide clues into a guy or girl’s character.
Guys, can you offer ladies any insight on what types of male behaviors could be red flags? Ladies, could you give the men a few tips on the difference between normal women, who can be unstable creatures (not like crazy, belong in an asylum), and the women that could possibly be too fixated on them and the relationship?
How can we safeguard ourselves from dating potentially dangerous people on the dating scene?
Permalink | Comments (355) | Categories: Dating
Virgin Territory
The Atlanta Journal-Constitution
I’ve seen the comedy 40 Year Old Virgin countless times before but I never imagined that I would be on a date with the 34 year old virgin. “Kenâ€? and I were sharing a hot fudge sundae from Bruester’s when he shared this fun fact about himself - much to my astonishment. Not only was I shocked that he shared this on our first date, I was also surprised at his honesty. This was certainly a new experience for me! The good-looking Italian certainly would have no problem attracting women, and from what I could gather, he really liked women. The fact that he was waiting until he found The One, made him a rare find on the single’s market.
We started talking about the challenges of today’s dating scene as a single person who was celibate. Things are definitely harder to navigate when you choose abstinence - for whatever reason. Ken asked me if I could wait until marriage before sleeping with someone. I told him that I absolutely have no problem waiting, especially if I met someone who was worth waiting for.
As Laney discussed last week, the scary statistics of HIV have caused many of us to rethink our sexual behaviors and attitudes. More and more singles are choosing the “vegetarian� lifestyle for many different reasons, so maybe guys like Ken will become more commonplace.
Guys, are any of your male friends virgins or abstaining?
I’m interested in how many men would wait until marriage if they met the right woman?
Even if you were both not virgins, do you think you could wait if that was her choice?
Ladies, do you think you could be willing to charter virgin territory?
Could you wait until after marriage? Would you find it hard to believe that a guy is really a virgin or celibate?
Permalink | Comments (353) | Categories: Dating
Great expectations
The Atlanta Journal-Constitution
Recently, I received an email from a reader that just plain made my jaw drop. He told me the story of taking a lady out on an expensive date who then declined his amorous advances. He posed the question:
“What should you expect in return for dropping 100 dollars on a date? Does a girl owe you anything based on how much you’ve spent on her?”
Now, I know that some guys, at some point, have held that mentality. But truly, I thought we were past this point. I’m not even a super feminist, but even the suggestion that a woman is obligated to reciprocate physically for the generosity a man shows by taking her out for the evening is … just appalling to me.
Ladies, what do you think? Do you ever feel pressured after a guy spends a lot of money on you? Would you be upset upon going out with a guy who felt this way?
Guys, do you have expectations of your partner after you take them out somewhere nice, or is my reader as hopelessly off-base as I’m hoping? Be honest, here.
What other out-of-date expectations plague your dating life?
Permalink | Comments (408) | Categories: Dating
Shoot and score, or keep on dribbling?
The Atlanta Journal-Constitution
Yeah, I know it’s gearing up to be football season, but today, I want to talk about something usually more associated with my sport of basketball: Rebounds.
Recently, I had sparks fly with a male friend of mine who I’ve known for a long time — and who just got out of a rocky and somewhat emotionally exhausting relationship. The chemistry may be there, but we had a nice mature conversation and concluded that it wasn’t a good time to try to make things work between us. Until he resolved his feelings for his ex, who is still in his life to some extent, I didn’t see a future for me and him — or him and anyone else, for that matter.
When I told some of my friends, a couple of them asked “When do you think he will be ready?” And, of course, I have no idea. I suspect it takes a different time for everyone, when it comes to getting over someone. But I didn’t want to just be an available, easy rebound for him, either. Our friendship is too important to risk over something that isn’t quite right!
Can a rebound relationship ever work? For you personally, how long do you need between relationships before you’re really ready to move on to another one? What factors determine that time period?
How do you know the difference between a good relationship that just happens to come soon after another as opposed to a truly rebound relationship, where you’re just trying to forget about your ex?
I’ve known many people who are “serial monogamists,” leaping from one serious relationship to the next as quickly as possible. What are the advantages and disadvantages of such a lifestyle?
Permalink | Comments (304) | Categories: Dating
Keeping yourself safe
The Atlanta Journal-Constitution
A lot of you have asked for a topic about one of the greatest social dilemmas facing our generation — one that just happens to have a major effect on our romantic lives — the HIV/AIDS crisis.
This happens to be an issue I spend a lot of time talking/thinking about; as I’ve mentioned a couple of times here before, I volunteer with AID Atlanta, which includes doing HIV/STD education sessions for local preteens and teens. So I hope that the information out there among y’all is better than I think it is…
Here are a few stats for those of you who might not know: * African-Americans make up 13 percent of the U.S. population, but 49 percent of new HIV diagnoses. Two-thirds of all teens infected with HIV in America are black. (National Institute of Health)
AIDS is the No. 1 cause of death of black women ages 23-34 (Ebony)
Half of the new infections reported in the U.S. each year occur between ages 13-24. (amfAR)
Georgia is No. 8 in the nation for the most AIDS cases (Kaiser Foundation)
Only 54 percent of Georgia residents ages 18-64 report receiving an HIV test at any point in their lives. Ask about the past year, and the number drops to 32 percent (Kaiser)
So, knowing all that, knowing that AIDS is deadly and incurable, and knowing that HIV is sexually transmitted …. my question to you is how you change your dating behaviors based on the existence and widespread nature of the virus.
Does HIV factor into your considerations about being sexually involved with someone, whether for a one-night stand or a relationship? How about your decision to choose a partner in general — are you more or less likely to choose a certain “type” of partner because of the risk of HIV?
Would you consider entering into a relationship with someone who was HIV-positive? What would you do if you found out that your partner had HIV or AIDS after you were already involved?
Have you had experience with the “down low” phenomenon? Do you believe it to exist and be a significant risk?
Permalink | Comments (269) | Categories: Current Events
A line she won’t cross
The Atlanta Journal-Constitution
Every week, I make it an absolutely indispensable part of my routine to read the “Modern Love” column in The New York Times. It’s a first-person column that deals with love and relationships in some specific, different way every week. But I thought this week’s click here to read was especially interesting.
A brief summary: The author, a black woman, ends a promising relationship with a white man because she feels like he cannot relate to her constant struggle with her own racial identity — and, in fact, that no white man can. She says: “But he was nearly 50 and his grappling apparently was just beginning, whereas mine started at 5. For nearly 50 years he’d lived in America and yet it surprised him that race might even be an issue for us. There was an innocence in this, an innocence born of being white. An innocence I could neither share nor abide.”
What do you think of her decision? Is this valid? Was she expecting too much from this man; should she have given him a chance to see if they were compatible despite this racial divide? Is she limiting herself by saying that she won’t date white men, or simply being realistic about what she needs to be happy?
I know that many of you on this blog date interracially or have in the past. Have you ever faced an issue like this? Are there certain races or cultures that you have trouble dating because you feel like they cannot relate to an important part of your identity?
For those of you who choose to date only within your own race, is this issue a reason why? Do you feel like people of different cultures cannot relate to the particular cultural struggles you face?
Permalink | Comments (208) | Categories: Matters of the Heart
Tell Me Why
The Atlanta Journal-Constitution
Are there any questions that you always wanted to ask the opposite sex but were too afraid to ask? Or maybe you were too mad, frustrated, or irritated to really articulate a coherant question. Perhaps we can offer each other a little insight into the dating trends, attitudes, or behavior that we have seen, heard, or experienced.
My friend Panama had two doozies to start us off:
Why is it that you all are allowed to be maniacally inconsistent, but when a man does it, it’s a problem?
When you’re mad at me, you can turn your back in the bed, but if i do it…I’m wrong? Why can’t I roll over? If you start showing me your back, I’m going to show you mine.
Alright ladies, care to explain any of that? Does it sound like something you have done?
I have some for the ladies too: Why do ladies sleep with a guy and then try to decipher if he wants a relationship or not? Why don’t some women understand how important it is to have a life, friends, and interests other than men, what they are thinking, and where the relationship is headed?
Of course I have a few for the guys: Why do you think it is ok to stare and gaze at other women when you are in the company of a lady you really like?
Why is it so tough to admit when you make a mistake?
Why don’t you call your woman after you are in a committed relationship?
Why do you feel like being in a relationship means the end of your freedom?
Why do you guys like to pretend that communicating with us is so difficult? I just don’t buy into the myth that men don’t talk. Why do women have to guess what you want or feel?
Maybe we can get some of our questions answered or hear a new perspective. Ask those burning questions, weigh in on other questions, share your experiences that may shed light on this rollercoaster ride we call dating!
Permalink | Comments (248) | Categories: Dating
