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AJC.com > Living > Blog > Archives > 2006 > August
August 2006
Don’t call it a comeback
The Atlanta Journal-Constitution
Yesterday we talked about learning from past mistakes so you won’t be doomed to repeat them over and over. But what happens when someone from your past resurfaces that seems to have changed? If you are not the same person anymore, would you try to explore things as the “new and improved” couple? Do you think something meaningful could develop the second time around?
I have tried to recycle one ex-boyfriend before. We discovered that the feelings we had may have lingered, but we were better off leaving well enough alone. Ok, I was a little slower in my discovery than he was, but that’s just semantics!
Maybe it is the nostalgic emotions or perhaps the memories of all that passion. What ever it is that is drawing you back to someone, how do you know if it is worthwhile to pursue again?
How would you decide when to take a second chance on an old romance?
Isn’t it possible that the changes you both went through could make you a more ideal match for one another?
Storm sent me this topic idea a really long time ago, thanks Storm!
Permalink | Comments (239) | Categories: Matters of the Heart
Upgrade your love life
The Atlanta Journal-Constitution
Although my dating experiences have run the gamut from scary to downright exhilarating, I have very few regrets about the choices that I have made. Each dating misadventure and adventure has shaped me into the person that I am today. They have also given me a clear idea of what I truly want in a mate, (and what I do NOT want). That is truly priceless, trust me!
When I wrote about dating fear factors recently, I didn’t mention one that I have conquered. I no longer fear the Downgrade Curse. When I was a younger (and less astute) Wise Diva, I lacked the ability to recognize my bad dating habits and patterns. <—that’s really putting it lightly! When I discovered that I was suffering from the Same Dude Different Name Syndrome, I began to correct many of those bad patterns. To be honest, that was so not easy, but definitely worthwhile. Then it was Date Eureka! I can now safely say that each man will definitely be an upgrade, i.e., better suited for me than the last. But most important of all, I upgraded. That’s right, the Diva’s “stock” is rising because of the personal growth stuff!
I feel like I am getting closer and closer to finding someone who is right for me. When I was clueless, I attracted clueless men (shudder). Now that I am more comfortable in my skin, possess a healthy (sometimes too much) amount of self-esteem, and a much stronger character, I have noticed that I am attracting men that reflect what I possess, and what I project. It’s a lovely thing – believe me!
When you think about your dating history, are you upgrading each time?
Are each of your dating experiences better than the last?
If you are currently in a relationship, is your mate an upgrade of your past relationships?
Are you uprading yourself each time by becoming less nagging, more patient, less jealous, more affectionate, etc.?
How do you avoid repeating the same dating mistakes over and over?
What are ways single people can upgrade their love life?
As usual, I would love to hear from the married/committed people today, too. For the coupled up folks, how did you upgrade yourselves into a meaningful relationship? Share your wisdom with us!
Permalink | Comments (276) | Categories: Relationships
Don’t Chase - Replace
The Atlanta Journal-Constitution
The late rapper, Notorious B.I.G. was no relationship expert, but his words “I don’t chase ‘em, I just replace ‘em” seem to ring true for a lot of single men: The thrill of the chase is not always a necessity for guys. In fact, it can sometimes garner resentment, animosity, and bitterness. While most guys can appreciate an intriguing woman, few men are willing to wait very long without some sign of interest.
For the women who don’t adhere to any frivolous dating rules, there may come a time when we can’t really gauge a guy’s “chaseâ€? strategy. If he is calling consistently, but doesn’t schedule a date, is he feeling her out for “date-worthyâ€? traits? Should a woman make herself available for conversations via IM, text message, or telephone with a guy if he hasn’t taken the time to spend face time (yes, vertical) with her? How should ladies handle those “trivial pursuit” guys?
How are men pursuing women on today’s dating scene? When do you decide that you have chased too long and decide to replace the lady with a more “responsive� potential?
Ladies, we all have varying opinions on whether we should pursue a man or let him pursue us, but what ways do you encourage a suitor to spark the chase?
I was having a conversation with a male friend of mine and he thinks that when a woman meets someone she really likes, how she handles it says a lot about what type of woman she is. Do you agree with this? What exactly does her behavior reveal about what type of woman she is? Can the same be said for guys?
Is the thrill of the chase alive and kicking - or have our dating misadventures pulled the plug on that dating trend?
What exactly is “the thrill” of the chase to you personally?
Plenty of questions, right! I can’t wait to see your responses. Thanks again for a really great discussion yesterday!
Permalink | Comments (233) | Categories: Dating
American Woman
The Atlanta Journal-Constitution
If you haven’t noticed lately, it’s tough to be an American Woman these days. Heaven help you if you’re single; have a career, multiple degrees, or aspirations to acquire any of these frivolous things! You could ruin any chances of finding a man to date or marry you. Well, that’s certainly the idea that is circling the media these days.
A controversial article on Forbes.com, entitled Don’t Marry Career Women and the equally controversial, Essence magazine article, Blame It On Rio, basically imply that American women should get a grip and get a clue. We have somehow managed to turn successful men off career women. The poor men are even forced to seek “comfort� from Brazilian women who really know how to cater to their men! That’s right, ladies, we really should examine what we lack that forces men to avoid relationships and marriage altogether. I really hope my sarcasm translated enough.
Michael Noer, the author of “Don’t Marry Career Womenâ€?, painted a rather dismal picture of married life with a “career galâ€?. He even mentioned a myriad of studies to drive his point home. Apparently, a man who marries a woman with a career is more likely to be cheated on, have a dirty house, or even have bad health - statistically speaking, that is. Gee, doesn’t exactly scream love and happiness, does it?
The Essence article was written by an assistant professor at Spelman College, William Jelani Cobb. Mr. Cobb discussed how American men are flocking to exotic places like Brazil on vacation - and not just for the beautiful scenary. They are finding their own groove with the local women who are more accommodating than American women. One interesting point that really caught my attention was when the author noted that the men seemed to be living out a fantasy of “having at your beck and call a beautiful woman who never questions your judgment or threatens your authority�. Wow, I would love a hot guy at my beck and call too, especially one that knows his place!
Between these two articles and a few comments sprinkled on the Misadventures in Atlanta blog lately, I can’t help but notice a message American men want to send to today’s single woman: don’t get too big for your britches - uh, skirts.
So if some men don’t want to marry career girls, and many men are finding ways to have their needs met from non-American women – where does that leave today’s single woman in America?
Do you think American women have it all wrong too? Will women have to dumb down, be docile, and be dependent on men in order for things to work? Is there a happy medium that men and women can find? If so, how do we find it?
If women with careers make bad wives, how does that translate on the dating scene? Are men casually dating single women who are successful in their careers but marrying women who are not on any particular career track?
Thanks to Mia (our former Ms. Adventures) and 4thelonghaul for the topic suggestions!
Permalink | Comments (309) | Categories: Current Events
Football Widows
The Atlanta Journal-Constitution
Wanted: A romantic girl who loves taking long walks to the concession stand at The Georgia Dome.
It’s a plus if you like candlelight dinners while watching the NFL Network.
And, we’ll be a great match if you enjoy quiet nights at home, studying the Falcons’ “Cover 2” defense.
In case you women haven’t noticed, Falcons Training Camp is underway, the Georgia Bulldogs are finishing up their fake summer jobs, and the clock is tick, tick, ticking to the opening kickoff for FWS (Football Widows Season).
That means you shouldn’t ask us guys where our relationship is going when Michael Vick has the ball in the red zone. No, we DON’T want to go to the mall until the Dawgs convert that 3rd down. And, if you’re going to parade around in that slinky, see-through lingerie, don’t let your butt block my plasma TV.
By now, most (smart) women know that I’m not available at 1 p.m. on Sundays through next February. They know that text messages, phone calls, and e-mails will be ignored until after Boomer and T.J. wrap up the highlights on ESPN. And, they know that their only acceptable comment during a game is whether Alge Crumpler had both feet inbounds when he made the catch.
Similarly, I have a female friend, Sue, who tells me her boyfriend is the greatest guy she’s ever met. She’ll love him forever, but she knows he will always be unavailable Saturdays and Sundays through the end of football season. No complaining. No griping. That’s just the way it is.
How about it ladies? Do you have problems with a guy who makes football his first priority? Can you accept a guy who’s just “unavailable” on Saturdays and Sundays (and, of course, for Monday Night Football)? Has football been a deal-breaker for an otherwise great guy?
And, fellas, how do you deal with the women who want your time and attention when the big game is on?
-The Single Guy-
Permalink | Comments (179) | Categories: Dating
Braving the barriers
The Atlanta Journal-Constitution
Recently, I went out to Fever, the new-ish club on Cheshire Bridge, with two of my gals, Shutterbug and Writer Babe. WB was on assignment to bring back a full review of the club. And me? Just checking out the crowd. Which, knowing me, you know means the boys.
The night we went, there was a birthday party going on. So it seemed that a higher-than-normal proportion of the beautiful people knew each other. The short skirt- and cleavage-baring-top sporting girls were all exchanging air kisses, and the polo clad boys had high fives and man hugs all around. It left WB and Shutterbug and I to hang out on the periphery for a while, trying to orient ourselves and figure out where we fit in.
So what happens when you’re on the prowl on ground that isn’t your own? If you’re walking into a situation full of groups — whether it’s a party where you only know one person or a bar where everyone seems to be there with friends — how do you brave that barrier to make people there want to talk to you, a stranger, instead of the people they already came with?
When you go out with friends, what can you do so that you don’t seem part of an impenetrable group?
Guys, would you hesitate to approach girls in a group as opposed to on their own? How about you, ladies — would you rather walk up to a guy who’s flying solo, or one who’s with his buddies?
This of course also raises the wingman/wingwoman issue. When you go out with friends, do you ever ask them to serve in that capacity? How does it work for you? Is it easier to approach a group if you’re with a group yourself?
How about if you’re in a group of people and someone approaches you, or one of your friends? Are you willing to serve as wingman/wingwoman to help the situation along? Will your friends do it for you?
Permalink | Comments (269) | Categories: Dating
Starting fresh
The Atlanta Journal-Constitution
OK, so I have a problem with quoting country music lyrics. I know. I’m sorry. But reallyjustthisonce, I have good ones! Again! It’s the South! We love it! Anyway, these come from some band named SheDaisy:
I don’t think about me in terms of you / I don’t think about you in terms of us / I don’t think about us in terms of love / I don’t think about then in terms of now / I found a way to start again somehow / I don’t think about what we thought it was in terms of love
It made me think about the inevitable thought-realigning that people have to do after a breakup. Suddenly, your future plans aren’t going to include that other person. And you have to find a way to cope with the pain of not having him or her in your life anymore, and, maybe, find a new role for them to play. You have to start fresh, and also reconcile your memories with the rest of your life.
In the movie “Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind,” Jim Carrey thinks the answer is to forget about Kate Winslet entirely — only to find that maybe, it’s better to remember her after all.
Does a bad breakup ever make you want to pretend the other person never existed? That your relationship never existed? Is it easier for you to forget completely? Keep around just the good memories? Remember everything — including why you broke up?
What memories would you rather forget — and which ones will you always cling to?
When you are in a relationship, do you feel that your identity is tied to the other person, or the fact of being in a couple? How do you learn to think of yourself in terms of “you”, not “us”?
Permalink | Comments (295) | Categories: Breakups
Baggage that’s pretty heavy to lift
The Atlanta Journal-Constitution
thanks to darkbuty for this awesome topic idea… it’s similar to one I’ve been wanting to do for a while but she came up with a good way to make it work!
So we all do the best we can to pick out a good partner. Attractive, smart, interesting, dynamite in bed (you may rank them in the order that matters to you!)
But sometimes, you make an error in judgment. A big one. Maybe you couldn’t have possibly known better, or maybe you just didn’t look hard enough. And you end up with someone who has some really serious problems, or serious skeletons in their closet. A drinker — and we’re not just talking a beer with the guys or a glass of wine at the swanky new restaurant. Into drugs. A violent temper. A gambler.
What will you do? Are there ever situations when you might stay with someone who has these major problems? Are some problems more forgivable than others, or easier to deal with? What if you are already deeply in love before you find out and there is a future at stake?
If confronted with this situation, do you care about the reasons behind it? Will you give your partner more leeway if he or she is in a sympathetic position — ie, does it matter if the problem stems from child abuse, sexual abuse, or something deeply traumatic that they cannot help?
What if you’re the one with the problem? What kind of accommodation/understanding do you expect?
Permalink | Comments (324) | Categories: Matters of the Heart
To tell the truth
The Atlanta Journal-Constitution
Billy Joel tells us that “honesty is such a lonely word” — that almost no one tells the truth when they need to, in relationships.
Recently, I surveyed several of my friends — different ages, races, religions, genders and sexual orientations. I asked them what the three most important characteristics and qualities were, in their eyes, to make a relationship work. Of the 10 of them, about half listed honesty in their top 3, with a couple of them mentioning it first.
With that high of a premium placed on honesty by our partners, why are we so afraid to tell the truth in relationships?
A few weeks ago, I went on a date with a very nice guy. He emailed me the next day and said what a great time he had and that he couldn’t wait to see me again. Then he dropped off the face of the earth until this weekend when — three weeks later — he finally emailed again to say that he was seeing someone else and though it wasn’t yet exclusive with her, he expected it might be soon. He said he had been putting off telling me because he was afraid to make me upset.
My response? (Here, I shall quote directly from my own sent email folder):
Thanks for being honest. Seriously, it’s so nice. I don’t usually get upset when guys say “this isn’t going to work” — disappointed, maybe, but not upset — but it’s very frustrating to be in the dark. So I’m glad to know what’s up, and I really appreciate your forthcoming-ness (even though I just made that word up).
In all cases, I’d rather know than wonder. And now that I know what’s up, we can be friends, whereas my time was previously consumed by checking the obituaries for his name, just in case.
So, tell me, readers. When do you lie to your partners, or withhold information? Do you believe that you owe a different standard of honesty to your long-term boyfriend or girlfriend than a one-time date? Is there ever a situation when you would rather be lied to or kept in the dark instead of being told the truth?
Has telling the truth ever saved — or ruined — a relationship for you? How so?
How important to you is honesty in relationships?
Permalink | Comments (217) | Categories: Relationships
Too Much Information?
The Atlanta Journal-Constitution
Going from friends to lovers has its pros and cons. While it’s great to date someone you already care about, the change in relationship dynamics could certainly place the both of you in precarious positions when it comes to your past.
Derek and Lana were really close friends before they started dating last year. She was privy to all his dirty secrets involving his ex-girlfriends and has witnessed all of his bad boy behavior for years. Now that SHE is his woman, she finds herself wondering if he could pull any old tricks out of his bag and use them on her. On one hand, she feels as if he has outgrown those days of “sowing his oats� (for the most part). On the other hand, she isn’t quite sure he can be faithful to her since he has never been faithful to past girlfriends.
They hit a really rough patch a few weeks ago when they had a difference of opinion about Derek attending a bachelor party this weekend. Apparently, Derek’s last girlfriend dumped him after he got a bit too friendly with a female at another bachelor party three years ago. Of course, being his close friend at the time, she got all the dirty details. Now she is imagining the worst about what could happen and thinks history will repeat itself. So she demanded that he didn’t go at all. He is angry because he feels that she is trying to control him and uses his past against him. The last time I spoke to her, they were at an impasse. Do you think she is wrong to ask him not to go? How would you handle this situation if you were Derek or Lana?
Have you ever dated someone who you were really close friends with before the romantic relationship began? If so was it difficult to put their past “romantic crimes” out of your mind? How do you think they handled knowing about your sordid past?
What is the big deal about Bachelor Parties, anyway? Why is this tradition still around? Where did they come from? Yea, I know I could Google it, but I would rather hear your versions!
I wonder how many relationships end because of the debauchery that goes on at those bachelorette and bachelor parties?
Permalink | Comments (218) | Categories: Relationships
Wake up to the break up
The Atlanta Journal-Constitution
We all have to take a little bit of wisdom from each breakup we go through. From the guy or girl who appeared to be the one, to the Houdini dates that pulled those disappearing acts; the end of a “thing� just leaves an indelible imprint on us. We probably don’t want to admit it, but they do.
I was watching one of my favorite romantic comedies, High Fidelity, starring John Cusack, the other night. I like watching it so much because it highlights what men may think when they are going through breakups. Some guys never really want to admit how their breakups affect them - well not to the ladies, anyway. This film is a great date movie if you ever want to cuddle up and watch it with someone. You can watch how the other person reacts and comments on topics like fear of commitment, falling in love, and dealing with dating disappointments. Things we all could relate to!
John Cusack’s character reflects on his “desert island, all time top 5 most memorable break ups in chronological orderâ€?. The ones that truly made an impact on him and what he learned about himself. I believe it’s important to take something away from every relationship that you’ve ever had, grow from it, and move forth. It’s just a part of getting older and wiser. You can benefit from figuring out your role in how things transpired too.
What are your “desert island, all time, top five (or more?) most memorable breakups? How long were you together?
How do you think it changed you? Do you think we get influenced by these breakups for the next new potential?
Permalink | Comments (225) | Categories: Breakups
Saturday Night Live
The Atlanta Journal-Constitution
I always have the time of my life at the Old School Saturday parties. This past weekend’s event held at the downtown Sheraton was no different! An entire night of dancing to nostalgic music that takes you back to your not so distant youth, hanging out with my girls, plus a room filled with good looking people - and you have the perfect mix of fun and flirting! I danced with a few guys who would NOT go away. It didn’t hurt to dance and flirt, so I decided to be very pleasant to Nicotine Breath Boy, Mr. Octopus, and the Shy Guy.
As we were leaving the parking area, we were approached by a few gentlemen. They were good looking, nicely dressed, and friendly, so they got my attention! They started to flirt with us a little. The first guy asked us where we were headed (um, at 3 a.m.? HOME alone!) and offered up a bottle of “champagne at his crib� (picture me rolling my eyes).
Dating vent: Why is it that some guys complain about the gold diggers who only want to be with them for what they have, yet try to impress women with material things from the moment they see her? I don’t get that at all!
Anyway, I asked Mr. Cristal, “You are certainly handsome and charming enough to impress a woman without dangling a bottle of champagne just to get her to come to your place- aren’t you?� He laughed at that and said, “Well, I have chocolate too!� Alright, he scored a few points for a dash of humor – and I DO love chocolate! But going home with a stranger to nibble Godiva and and sip champagne is SO not my style. FYI: Warrick Dunn is no stranger to me, so you know I reserve the right to bend this rule at my own discretion.
Mr. Cristal was mid-sentence when his tall, handsome friend interrupted him. I noticed him checking me out but I was flirting with Mr. Cristal (sort of). All of a sudden, tall handsome stranger, reaches for my hand and kind of stared in my eyes. He starts telling me how pretty I am, how much he loved my smile – blah blah. Ok, flattery can get you just about everywhere, except my bedroom! He was being sweet with it and I totally was eating that up. I have to keep in mind that this was Saturday night live action, though. You know how that weekend look can make a girl’s sexy quotient higher than it really is? Yea..it could happen!
It turns out that he lives in New York and is only in town for a few days. Just my luck, huh? So I took his business card and gave him my number. Before we parted ways, he said, “Game recognizes game, right?” What do you think he meant by that? I know that I was flirting with these guys who were in the same crew, but they started it! Disclaimer, I categorically deny being a female player or anything close to one.
Does game really recognize game? Do men know when women are “laying their game down�?
Can guys tell a female player when they see one?
Ladies, do you know how to spot a male player (hmm, is that redundant?)
Do you consider yourself to be one at times? How do you lay your game down? Hard? Fast? Soft or coy? What is your style?
Permalink | Comments (140) | Categories: Mix & Mingle
If you’re scared, say you’re scared!
The Atlanta Journal-Constitution
Philophobia: Fear of falling in love. Venustraphobia- Fear of beautiful women. Did you know that there are a few phobias that are related to dating or love?
I have a possibly unhealthy fear of meeting a guy and being so terribly smitten by him that I dumb down. It isn’t likely to happen because I am not really into being coy and demure to impress a guy. It’s just the thought of me channeling Jessica Simpson to be with a guy makes me twitch!
You rarely hear people openly admit to being afraid of dating. Some of us may even deny that we are scared of anything relating to the opposite sex. The reality is that fear is holding many of us back from getting out there and taking a chance. Before we can even ponder marriage, we get stuck on the potentially horrible things that can happen when we are just dating someone new.
Call me a pessimist, but there have been times when I wondered if the great new guy of interest is a cannibal or something! Do guys ever feel as if the girl they are seeing could turn out to be an evil, conniving, unstable creature? It’s sad that our misadventures in dating could taint our perceptions when we date.
I know I am not alone in this, either. It’s like single people often get jaded and cynical after going through all those disappointments. Or worse, we let the bad experiences of others deter us from finding someone special. It takes courage to date, doesn’t it? A lot of times we just let insecurities surface and we end up blowing things with a potentially great prospect. How do we avoid this?
Do you have any dating fears? How do you deal with your “dating” fear factors?
How can we determine the difference between good old cautious behavior and paralyzing fear?
Permalink | Comments (259) | Categories: Dating
Redefining Sexy
The Atlanta Journal-Constitution
Have you heard the news? Justin Timberlake wants to bring sexy back. Well, I am with you Justin! We DO need to bring sexy back. We have taken “sexy” on a bad trip and now it’s time to go back to classy!
You want to know what is sexy to me? I think a sexy man is a really nice guy with an extensive vocabulary, beautiful smile, and the most kissable lips ever. He carries himself with dignity and is extremely smart. There are a LOT of sexy men in this city. I have met and dated quite a few of them myself. Unfortunately, the anti-sexy men seem to outnumber the sexy ones, by far!
What is not sexy? The arrogant, overly aggressive, argumentative men. You know the ones that boast about everything from their sexual prowess and bank account balance, to the number of luxury vehicles they lease own, or their professional credentials. Now, I can certainly appreciate a man that has acquired money, power, status, and education. I can admire a confident and self-assured man, too. But if you take yourself way too seriously, consider yourself to be “so perfect” - without flaws or imperfections - well you can plummet your sexy quotient fast!
Oh, and the ladies in Atlanta definitely have their anti-sexy moments too. Yes, those divas (excluding, yours truly of course!) who seem to take confidence just a tad too far. I am a huge fan of being a proud and secure woman, but when you have a consistent negative attitude, or if you have that haughty, “I’m too sexy for my own good� behavior going on, you just give the truly fabulous women a bad name!
Just like any other city, “Shallow ATL� will have moments of superficiality and pretentiousness. Some guys are looking for the women they see in magazines, music videos, and on television. Some women are attracted to the runway model, calendar-fine men, with the salary of a pro ball player. We all contribute to that in many ways and it is up to us to change it.
Aside from all the “ATL bling” (read: ridiculous signs of outer opulence), six-figure cars, houses, or hot bodies – what is really sexy about Atlanta’s dating scene? What is NOT sexy about the Atlanta dating scene?
Do you think sexy can be redefined? How can we bring sexy back?
Permalink | Comments (289) | Categories: Mix & Mingle
Once bitten, twice shy
The Atlanta Journal-Constitution
On again, off again. Sometimes, dating can be a real rollercoaster (or revolving door, or whatever metaphor you prefer).
Usually, when we break up with someone, it’s for a good reason. At that time, anyway. But what if things change? What if the reason wasn’t that great to begin with after all? Is there ever a time we should give someone a second chance?
My friend Cookie was all ready to break up with her boy when he told her he wanted to continue seeing her — and other people. She wasn’t into that idea, and she felt like if he was gonna play the field anyway, he wouldn’t be sorry to lose her. However, when she told him so, he begged for another chance, and said he’d do what it took to make things work between them. She gave him one. Jury’s still out on how it will go.
Similarly, another friend had a rocky relationship with a gentleman of her acquaintance that ended rather badly when he demonstrated he had no idea how to treat a girl properly. She stood up for herself and said no dice despite her interest in him. Now, after several months of him trying to prove to her that he was ready to be better, she is ready to give him another try.
In these situations, what should these women do to ensure that they don’t get burned again? Does it ever work to try again? Can a person ever change enough to make something work when it didn’t work the first time?
Have you ever given a partner a second chance? (Or a third, or a fourth…) How did you know you were ready to try again? Did it work out?
Permalink | Comments (319) | Categories: Dating
Following your gut
The Atlanta Journal-Constitution
Your gut. Instinct. The intangibles.
Call it what you will — it’s how I go through life when it comes to dating.
I’m a pretty logical girl most of the time, but in relationships, I do have a tendency to follow my heart, for better or for worse. And one of the consequences of that is that I follow my gut. If I have a feeling that something is right, or not right, even if I can’t articulate why, I tend to act accordingly.
This came up recently when I canceled a date. I just didn’t feel right about going out with him when I was pursuing an interest in someone else (long story) and also when I, in my gut, knew I wasn’t really that into him. On paper, he sounds like a great match for me. But I just knew that the attraction wasn’t there for me.
My gut is rarely wrong, I find. I rely on it a lot when I am dating guys I meet on the internet. I generally just have this spidey sense about whether we’re going to get along in person or not — and if I have any doubts, no matter how irrational, I almost always find that it doesn’t work out when we do meet.
Does anyone else practice this kind of “dating by instinct”? What are its up sides and down sides?
For those of you who take a more rational approach, how does that work for you?
How can we learn to be more in tune with our gut?
Permalink | Comments (200) | Categories: Dating
Sweet, sweet revenge
The Atlanta Journal-Constitution
For the most part, I am a very nice girl.
But cross me…and you’ll see quite a temper!
Of course it would be nice if every relationship, no matter how short or intense, ended peacefully. But unfortunately, that’s not always the case. And I’m not going to lie - sometimes, I want a little revenge. I know this isn’t necessarily a good idea. But how can I stop myself from wanting the last word?
A friend of mine recently was dating a guy fairly seriously, and then he stopped calling abruptly. She called me and said “Is it bad that I really want to hurt him?” Bad, maybe … but as I see it, pretty normal.
I frequently entertain revenge fantasies. I’ve never really acted on one, but it has definitely crossed my mind to slash my ex’s tires or call his new girlfriend and talk smack or make up some dramatic lies about how he hurt me. Something. I know, awful, right? And in a slightly less deranged manner, I often want to have that final confrontation. A guy doesn’t call me back after a nice date. Rather than letting it go, I WANT to call him up and be like “You jerk! Be a man and TELL me you don’t want to see me! No girl is ever going to date you with that behavior!” But, I don’t. I just think about doing it and then chicken out. Maybe that latter example is more ball-busting than revenge, though…
But tell me I’m not alone. What terrible revenge fantasies have you harbored? Have you ever acted on them? Is there ever a case where revenge is justified?
How can you get over these feelings without actually causing harm to yourself or others? =)
Permalink | Comments (290) | Categories: Dating
Ready to tie the knot, or not?
The Atlanta Journal-Constitution
To quote one of my favorite movies, The Princess Bride: “Marriage is what brings us together today.” (Or, as they say it: Mawwaige is what brings us togevuh today.)
For a lot of us singles wandering our way through the dating world, our ultimate goal — and I’m not saying this is true for everyone, but for many people — is to find a soul mate and get hitched. Unfortunately, this is not such a simple proposition. Even if you find that person — or who you think might be that person — how do you know? When are you sure you’re ready to get married?
In the South, a lot of people tend to get married on the young side. This has its advantages and disadvantages, to be sure, speaking emotionally and financially.
What characteristics of a relationship do you look for in order to start thinking marriage? Do you need financial stability? Supportiveness, communication, trust…??
How long should you be with someone before you start thinking about tying the knot?
Age is another factor. Do you have an internal expiration date? Did you start feeling the itch to get married once you hit, say, 30? Do you have a date in mind that you’d like to be married by, come hell or high water?
For those of you who are married, how did you know you were ready? What made you realize your partner was “the one” — AND that you were in the right place to share your life with him or her?
Permalink | Comments (222) | Categories: Marriage
Great Date Blog Challenge — RESULTS!
The Atlanta Journal-Constitution
The moment of truth has arrived!
On Friday, we challenged y’all to take your dating life into your own hands this weekend, to go out and try to make things happen. So now it’s time to tell us how it went.
Did you have a date this weekend? Did you call the object of your affection? Did you make a connection with the partner you already have? If so…how did it go? If not, what’s holding you back?
What advice did you take from fellow bloggers? How did it pan out for you? Did you think of any advice, based on your experience, that you should pass on to others now?
And of course, it’s only fair for you to hear the results of my weekend. They were … mixed. I decided to give up on one avenue and pursue another. I went on one date with this nice lawyer, and he followed up with an email the next day saying he wanted to go out again soon. That was two weeks ago. Since then, it’s been radio silent. Not a call, email, anything…and he didn’t return my email either! Not sure what happened, but I decided it’s not worth the energy. So I met another guy who seems nice, flirted my cute little butt off, and accepted his invitation to a play this week. Details will be forthcoming, but I consider it a moderate success!
Go ahead — it’s your turn to spill! Advise and share away.
Permalink | Comments (260) | Categories: Mix & Mingle
Great Date Blog Challenge
The Atlanta Journal-Constitution
Alright guys, the summer days are dwindling fast and some of us haven’t had a summer fling. We haven’t even had a summer flirt! It’s time to stop the insanity! Do you think that Mr. Wonderful or Ms. Right will just fall out of the sky?
glances out window Well, I was just checking!
No, no, no. Sitting at home or hanging out in the same places will quickly get you into a dating slump. Who wants to get stuck in a rut when there are so many fabulous single people walking around in Atlanta! Get out there and be seen!
One of our regular commenters, RunningAtl, gave us a great idea to add some excitement to our weekend. This is how the Great Date Blog Challenge will work: We will agree to go out, meet someone new, and spark an interest. We will report back on where we went, who we met, and what cold approach or wooing technique we used.
If you have your eye on someone special already, go call them up and get some face time in, vertical face time, preferably!
So today for our great big date challenge, we need to swap ideas on places to go, what to wear, what to say, a few funny (edit): anecdote to break the ice, fabulous pick-up lines, and, general rules of engagement. Use what you think will best work for you.
If you have a special someone already, let’s hear some suggestions on how to romance a man or woman.
What are ways for women to “romance the stove” and cook up a sexy, succulent meal?
Guys, what was the dish that won over your sweetheart when you cooked a romantic meal for her?
What are the most sexy or romantic foods?
We want ideas, tips, and maybe a few dos and don’ts that would gear us up for a weekend that is full of romance and excitement. On Monday, Laney will open the forum for us to report back to the blog. We will share exactly what went down and what didn’t. Maybe we will be able to say that the blog sparked a new summer romance, who knows? This could be the start of a beautiful…oh, well never mind! The start of something…let’s just leave it at that! Good luck!
Blog Rule: Absolutely NO fighting, arguing, insulting, name-calling, or ridiculous criticizing allowed today. We WILL - have a fun and light blog day! (smile)
Happy FRIDAY!
Permalink | Comments (141) | Categories: Mix & Mingle
Kid tested. Mother approved
The Atlanta Journal-Constitution
If you’ve ever wondered about your maternal/paternal instincts, spend three hours with a kid between the ages of 5-14. You know, that age when kids are in the ever so lovely “you are not my mother!� stage.
Dating a single mom or dad can become a very rewarding, yet sometimes, complicated experience. Your relationship impacts more than the two of you. In some instances, the child is usually extremely territorial of their parent. This means that regardless of what you do or say, you could be the jerk who is taking their parent away from them.
It depends, of course on the circumstances and the individuals involved, but if you decide to become involved with single parents, patience is an absolute necessity. The child may begin to test you and test limits with their parents. The parents may begin to clash over what is acceptable behavior around the child (i.e. when do they meet you, who can chastise or discipline etc.). It really can be become a harrowing experience if the adults don’t handle things with maturity. Even in the best of circumstances, there will definitely be a few rough patches.
My friend Derek said that his lady’s son is becoming increasingly difficult to handle. He hasn’t told her how frustrating it is for him yet. He knew from the beginning that her son would have to ultimately like him too, so he is trying to be patient. In the meantime, he is convinced that the young lad is purposely trying to sabotage their new romance. He feels like his hands are tied for now and he can only wait till the boy gets used to the idea of his mom with someone that is not his father.
What would you do if your mate’s child (or children) tries to test your patience? Would you stop seeing someone if their kid constantly tested your patience (or lackthereof)?
What happens if the mother or father doesn’t approve of you being around their child (or children)?
Does anyone have advice on how to pass the “kid test” and/or get approval from their mother/father ?
Permalink | Comments (307) | Categories: Family
It CAN happen to you!
The Atlanta Journal-Constitution
One of our regular readers, Longtime Lurker has often warned us about getting references from the people we date. He believes that instead of Google and criminal background checks, it would be more effective to look over someone’s “relationship resume” closely. Some of the most crucial information you need to know about a guy or girl of interest will come from the people who once dated them. I understood his point because I certainly could dish a boatload of “fun factsâ€? about my ex-boyfriends to their current girlfriends.
He also warned us that getting a bad rating from people you have dated, dumped, or dogged could reflect negatively on you with potential dates. Well folks, he was so right! I know because this just happened to me (yes, me!) a few days ago. I have always known that a lot of dating misadventures really could be that dating Karma that comes back to smack you in the head!
My best friend Grandeur Girl said that she met someone who told her that he wanted to be married. He was looking for a wife and just wanted to meet a good woman. He asked if she had any single friends that she could introduce him too. She mentioned my name (bless her heart) because he was with someone that we both know who could vouch for this guy. She figured since he coached professional football we would hit it off well. Since I LOVE football (ARE YOU READY FOR SOME FOOTBALL!?), we could at least talk sports for hours!
I used to date a guy I met through work years ago. I will call him Young Jock (no, he is not a rapper). He played college football and was headed to spring tryouts for the Falcons when I met him. So Young Jock and I went on a few dates and hung out a lot. I even invited him to my birthday party once. He showed up extremely well dressed and gave me a really nice card and gift (sweet!). Well, a few weeks later we stopped talking regularly. There was no official “it’s over� talk nor was there any real closure. I guess I figured he had become serious about someone else and I was no longer in the running. No harm, no foul, right?
Well not according to him. It turns out that this Coach was the same person that recruited Young Jock years ago. Apparently, Young Jock told Coach that he knew me and that we once dated. He also said that I pulled a disappearing act on him, and he didn’t understand what happened. He even brought up the gift that he gave me (I am surprised he even remembered all of that). I am not sure if he embellished just to give me a bad rating, or if he actually felt wronged.
At any rate, Coach won’t be calling up Wise Diva! Oh well, it wouldn’t have worked out anyway because he wasn’t a Falcons coach. I mean how would we have raised the kids!?
Have you ever received or given a bad review from someone you once dated?
Has your past dating crimes come back to haunt you in the form of the “Ghost of Dating Past”?
Q100’s The Bert Show has the relationship report card bit that they do, where a caller gets to hear the hard bitter truth on why past relationships didn’t last. Sounds brutal doesn’t it? I think the callers actually gain a lot of insight so maybe it’s totally worth getting “graded� by someone you dated.
What grade would you give yourself in your last dating misadventure? Do you think you handled things with behavior that earned you an A or was it more like needs improvement ?
If you were asked to review your last date or significant other would you do it? What about on a radio show? How would you rate them?
Have a wonderful, wonderful WEDNESDAY!
Permalink | Comments (247) | Categories: Dating
Remains of the Date
The Atlanta Journal-Constitution
Serendipity. The art of making fortunate discoveries by accident. Sometimes in dating, serendipity can be a beautiful thing. You happen to find someone when you aren’t really looking or by pure happenstance. They seem so wonderful - the cat’s pajamas, the bee’s knees! <—why don’t we say cool stuff like that anymore?
Well, serendipity can go very wrong. Thankfully, events somehow transpire (by accident?) and you discover something that tells you to RUN, don’t walk, away. A fortunate discovery indeed!
Well, let me tell you a story (EDIT: A story that I read about) about dating serendipity. Actually, it is more of a cautionary tale, really, but it did actually happen. The names are withheld to protect the guilty or not so guilty! Follow along and weigh in with your opinions about what went wrong, what you would have done, and who was right or wrong in this scenario!
A man, Mr. X meets a lady, Ms. Y, through an online dating site that is geared towards a particular demographic. In his profile, he described himself as cute, tall, and funny. He said that he was seeking someone fun, easy going, with a sense of humor.
Sounds simple enough, so far, right?
Mr. X takes Ms. Y out to dinner at a nice restaurant on their first date. During the course of the meal, Mr. X thought there could possibly be a romantic connection. He casually suggests a second date. Ms. Y seemed open to a second date, which pleased Mr X immensely. He was so pleased in fact, he refused to let her split the bill when she offered. The final bill was approximately $100. Mr. X happily puts down the plastic and pays for dinner.
Days later, Mr. X does the traditional follow-up call, hoping to schedule Date #2. Ms. Y does not return his calls and after two weeks of patiently waiting, Mr. X gets perturbed. A couple of voicemail messages are left with increasing irritation. Mr. X decided that she’s just not that into him and decided that he would like to be compensated for her half of the dinner bill. His logic? He was only paying for dinner because he was under the impression that they were going on a second date. Since the second date did not transpire in the time frame that he felt was appropriate, he no longer wanted to foot the bill.
Let me pause here, so that you all can scoff and sneer.
Are you done? Oh, the story gets decidedly better!
Ms. Y finally responded through email that she had been out of town with work and initially didn’t get his messages. After seeing his behavior, she told him informed him that they clearly would never have a second date. She asked Mr. X not to contact her again – ever.
Well, the persistent Mr. X continues with his attempt to recoup his money. He contacts the restaurant where they dined to dispute the bill. They in turn contacted her asking her what the dispute was about. He threatened to contact her boss to let him know “what type of characterâ€? she really had. He even told her that he would pursue legal action against her. It wasn’t about the 50 bucks, though. No, it was the principle of the matter! What principle, exactly? Well, actually, I am not sure. Whatever it was, it took the cute, tall fun guy from classy to tacky. Ms X refused to back down or be bullied into paying him the money. The latest reports said that Mr. X is pursuing a criminal investigation for fraud. If this isn’t proof positive that going dutch is making a comeback, honey I don’t know what is!
Have you ever experienced dating serendipity? Do people actually meet someone when they aren’t really looking or is that what the coupled up folks tell us to keep us from whining?
Did you ever realize that you really “dodged a bullet” with someone you briefly dated? No Brian Nichols, Ted Bundy kind of bullets, I hope! Fallout Boy has a song called Sugar We’re Going Down. I love to belt out this part in the car:
We’re going down, down in an earlier round
And Sugar, we’re going down swinging
I’ll be your number one with a bullet
Oh, don’t act as if I am the only one doing Caraoke Karaoke in traffic! (sorry Single Guy, I couldn’t resist!)
So, who was your number one with a bullet? Who tops your list of “thank heavens we didn’t last!” among your former flames? Perhaps you were the bullet that was dodged? Be honest!
Thanks to ATLBORN for part of this topic idea
Permalink | Comments (257) | Categories: Current Events
