Misadventures in Atlanta

By kinderbabe

August 3, 2006 08:43 AM | Link to this

Good Morning, Everyone! One thing I can say about children and their interaction with their mom or dad’s current love interest is that often times they are introduced too soon. As a school teacher, I’ve seen kids act out in many ways including w/the boyfriend or girlfriend of their parent. Some of the behavior can be attributed to the “revolving door” of mates that their parent has had. Kids get tired of dating too! Especially when, the prospective mate of their parent is being OVERLY nice to them (trying to win them over). Kids are the best fakery detectors around. They know when someone pouring it on thick…lol. There are also scenerios as you mentioned when the child is showing out b/c they are used to their biological parent and aren’t trying to have anyone else in the picture.

As far as the other parent who may be opposed, it’s no telling where that stems from. There could be some bitterness involved overflowing from the breakup. I would leave it up to the two parents to work that out b/c when they broken up, they HAD TO KNOW that dating would be an issue at some point. Hopefully they could work it out eventually and avoid a Jerry Springer scene…lol.

To be on the safe side, I would prefer not to interact w/one’s child(ren) until the relationship was VERY serious. Hopefully, that would give me time to build patience and prepare for possible resistance. Having someone new in the picture is tough for all parties. That’s why I think it’s good to wait until it’s almost a marriage situation to involve the children.

By kinderbabe

August 3, 2006 08:44 AM | Link to this

Good Morning, Everyone! One thing I can say about children and their interaction with their mom or dad’s current love interest is that often times they are introduced too soon. As a school teacher, I’ve seen kids act out in many ways including w/the boyfriend or girlfriend of their parent. Some of the behavior can be attributed to the “revolving door” of mates that their parent has had. Kids get tired of dating too! Especially when, the prospective mate of their parent is being OVERLY nice to them (trying to win them over). Kids are the best fakery detectors around. They know when someone pouring it on thick…lol. There are also scenerios as you mentioned when the child is showing out b/c they are used to their biological parent and aren’t trying to have anyone else in the picture.

As far as the other parent who may be opposed, it’s no telling where that stems from. There could be some bitterness involved overflowing from the breakup. I would leave it up to the two parents to work that out b/c when they broken up, they HAD TO KNOW that dating would be an issue at some point. Hopefully they could work it out eventually and avoid a Jerry Springer scene…lol.

To be on the safe side, I would prefer not to interact w/one’s child(ren) until the relationship was VERY serious. Hopefully, that would give me time to build patience and prepare for possible resistance. Having someone new in the picture is tough for all parties. That’s why I think it’s good to wait until it’s almost a marriage situation to involve the children.

By M.

August 3, 2006 08:47 AM | Link to this

Morning bloggers. I would say that if you’re in this situation, that you kindly reconsider your options and go in a new direction. Remember if you don’t have a kid, you are a free agent. I always say that damage goods are not easy to handle, therefore, if its becoming to much of a struggle, either you or the kid leaves, which of course is you. Therefore, I would say that you count your losses, charge it to experience and move on. M.

By 2 Can Play That Game©

August 3, 2006 08:55 AM | Link to this

morning y’all……

By Redd

August 3, 2006 08:57 AM | Link to this

Morning: This is a touchy subject i’m going to sit back on this one; i hope all of you enjoy your day

Hello Dushawn & 2cptgame

By BOLD & BEAUTIFUL

August 3, 2006 09:05 AM | Link to this

Good morning bloggers - I myself am a single parent with a 6 yr. old and it is/can be difficult at times dating. My 6 yr. old plays the mind game with me. If i have a date or want to kick it with the girls, she uses mind games by saying, momma, you know you should spend more time with you kid, you are always going somewhere, or if i have company over, she finds every reason to call me or she need something urgently. The way i handle her is by talking to her in a way that she understands and by showing her love and affection, making her feel comfortable, then she seems to be okay. I don’t introduce my child to a man unless we have established something between us.

By darkbuty

August 3, 2006 09:17 AM | Link to this

Good Morning Everyone

This topic got heated a couple days ago…I guess that’s why it’s such a slow start with the posts…

What would you do if your mate’s child (or children) tries to test your patience? Would you stop seeing someone if their kid constantly tested your patience (or lackthereof)?

Yes, because this would mean that my SO is just sitting there allowing this to happen. This is not my child so disciplinary actions are not my responsibility. However, I would internalize the lack of supervision or discipline and the continuing behavior as disrespectful. I would communicate to my SO the behavior that the child is exhibiting that is trying my patience….if they choose to do nothing then I’m out!

What happens if the mother or father doesn’t approve of you being around their child (or children)?

That’s fine…I’m not trying to push the issue. I can respect the fact that kids shouldn’t be introduced to people you’re just dating unless it is VERY serious.

Does anyone have advice on how to pass the “kid test” and/or get approval from their mother/father ?

I would say just be yourself….You don’t want to bribe the kid into liking you and you don’t want to do things that you won’t be consistent at doing. So be yourself and if that doesn’t work…..you’ve done all that you can do!

By 2 Can Play That Game©

August 3, 2006 09:25 AM | Link to this

yeah, Diva, not sure if you were aware or not, but we did discuss this the other day, and it got pretty intense….

By Shallow Hal

August 3, 2006 09:26 AM | Link to this

Let’s be frank, here.

If you don’t have kids, you need to think real, real hard before you date people with kids… ESPECIALLY if you want kids of your own.

— If the kid hates you, the parent may decide to toss you out on your ear, and there will be NOTHING YOU CAN DO.

— If the parent marries you even though the kid hates you, you are headed for a complete trainwreck.

— If you suddenly generate a new baby brother/sister after getting married, the kid is likely to suddenly start hating you… and you have a trainwreck, except you didn’t see that one coming.

— You could get lucky and the kid will be accepting of you. These odds are similar to the ones the casino gives you; don’t hold your breath.

And, of course, there’s the thing you always have to figure out (and boy, you better before you go ANYWHERE): why is this person single in the first place?

Some people make mistakes when they’re younger, learn from them, and move on. These people pass the sanity test and are OK to date. …Sadly, they are in the minority.

Some people, though, make mistakes and then learn how to be a victim… and continue to display the same poor judgement in many of their other actions. You need to run like hell from these people.

Telling the two types apart will be the real trick, and is left as an exercise for the reader. =)

By Blue_Kolla

August 3, 2006 09:29 AM | Link to this

What up y’all

Hmmmm… Y’all already know where I stand as far as bad azz and/or disrespectful kids go; so I’ll just lay low for a piece.

By Rell(period)

August 3, 2006 09:30 AM | Link to this

if the little table pimp is out of line…throat chop em…that will show him who is boss….j/k. We are speaking about a child right….ie..no bills, eat for free, sleep all day child….you gets to call no shots…they need to learn early life is not all about them….learn to deal with things…

By Pharress_Beuller

August 3, 2006 09:32 AM | Link to this

Hey all,

New to the blog and a big fan too!!

Good topic and I’m currently in this situation with a woman I’ve been dating the past three months and I’m really good with kids (I don’t have any personally), but I honestly don’t like her kid and am wondering can this work. I’m trying, but this is a challenge and not a good challenge.

By Foots

August 3, 2006 09:32 AM | Link to this

What would you do if your mate’s child (or children) tries to test your patience? Would you stop seeing someone if their kid constantly tested your patience (or lackthereof)?

One of my girls is having this issue with her fiance’s daughter. I don’t know if I could exhibit the type of patience that she has shown so far. I agree with darkbuty, the SO must be letting it happen because there is no reason that a child should be allowed to be openly disrespectful to another adult. I would definitely let my SO know about the behavior (if the child hides it from him) and let him know that it is unacceptable to me. It’s his place to provide a solution for that problem with his child.

I don’t think I would up and leave right away. Most times, I’d say that people go into relationships where the other person has children willingly and shouldn’t expect it to be like the Brady Bunch right away. Realistic expectations of the situation itself, that problems can and may develop, are necessary.

By Jazzyone

August 3, 2006 09:36 AM | Link to this

Good morning, Never really had any serious issues with a Sig other and kids. I don’t really like to meet kids unless myself and the guy are at a certain level in our dating. I don’t care for untammed or undisciplined kids no matter who they belong to and tend to stay in my own zone when I encounter them or exit the scene. Friends or dating.

By Raqi

August 3, 2006 09:39 AM | Link to this

Speaking from the left side as having been a single mother dating, this is what I have observed.

First, kids will test their own parents, so an intruder will definitely get the third degree.

When dating a single parent be prepared for the 60/40 divide when the kid is present. In order for the kid to not feel like you are taking their parent away from them, (I) the parent would show the child much attention. This way the child does not began to feel alienated when a suitor is around.

From personal experience, do not tell the kid that I am going out to see Mr/Ms. X. Just say I am going out with a friend and will return. That way it does not seem like you are deserting him/her to be with someone else.

My advice to those dating a single parent: (These are a few things that I know were issues for my kids)

Do not be bossy toward the parent around the child, even if it is just horseplay. It always comes off in a bad way in the eye of the child.

You are not the childs parent so do not try to be. Let the parent discipline or speak to the child.

Do not ignore the child. Make small talk like asking about school, sports or hobbies. This way you are becoming a friend and not a foe.

BEWARE:

If the parent has a jealous ex, walk away. The ex will use the child to their advantage against the dating parent.

By Jazzyone

August 3, 2006 09:40 AM | Link to this

^5 Foots

By darkbuty

August 3, 2006 09:41 AM | Link to this

Welcome Pharress!!

2 What’s the count now?? LOL

By Della

August 3, 2006 09:42 AM | Link to this

This is a “touchy” subject.

First, children will be children. Let’s face it. I agree with kinderbabe - children can detect things lustful parents can not. Plus parents have to be extra careful with all these evil people around who date you just to get close to your children.

Suggestions for dating someone with children: 1. Do not expect the child to like you. Why should he/she? You are just dating his/her parent, so what. LOL

Suggestions to parents who have children that are dating.

Sometimes we are too busy thinking about ourselves that we ignore the concerns of our children as well as our ex. Far to often, it is the child that gets hurt or that child the ends up the victim. I caution all single parents to make sacrifices and think of their children first.

To those who are dating someone with a child, remember you are not his/her father or mother - so just chill and relax. You may be around for 1 day or 1 year - so remember that and do not expect anything from the child. If the child is disrespecting you, take it up with his mother/father. If the problem doesn’t improve maybe you need to start thinking “is this the best situation for me.”

By Thick

August 3, 2006 09:44 AM | Link to this

Good Morning Good People,

Friday had me wondering who is the adult and exactly who are the children, with that said, I bow out gracefully.

Everyone have a Great Thursday.

By Rell(period)

August 3, 2006 09:44 AM | Link to this

Dude you feeling a certain way about a child….phuleeze….one thing about kids they have a good BS meter so if you having trouble maybe your intentions are bad….furthermore until married the kid is no concern of yours…thats up the parent and if they can’t control there child..what is that saying for building a relationship with someone that cannot control/maintain a household….just my POV….KIDS need directions and something to do…if you coming to the spot and all they do is play playstation2/xbox/xbox360 then something is wrong feel me….

By Rell(period)

August 3, 2006 09:45 AM | Link to this

Raqi if they have a jealous ex you should not deal with them n-e-way that is just stoopid drama….

By danielle

August 3, 2006 09:46 AM | Link to this

Children are not given the choice whether the parents should stay together or divorce, so they are already going through an emotional rollercoaster because one parent is no longer in the household. Therefore, if you are dating a single parent, allow the parent to set boundaries and limitations involving their child. Respect and cooperation from the individual goes a long way in establishing a relationship with the single parent and the child.

However, if the child is acting out/throwing tantrums because the parent is dating, that needs to be addressed with the child to ensure that the child understands “their place” and maintain the proper respect and dignity the parent is due. I do believe that out of respect for the child, the parent should tactfully discuss his/her feelings about being alone and his/her need to have someone in “their” lives. Of course this discussion should be handled in a child appropriate manner.

By darkbuty

August 3, 2006 09:47 AM | Link to this

BEWARE:

If the parent has a jealous ex, walk away. The ex will use the child to their advantage against the dating parent.

Teardrop

This is so my situation!!

By Della

August 3, 2006 09:54 AM | Link to this

@Raqi Totally agree about the controlling ex - unless you like drama just walk away because if the ex doesn’t like you the child will not like you (in most cases).

@Rell agree - disrepectful childen - don’t blame the child - look at the parent (the person you are trying to date - RED FLAG big time).

By jraw

August 3, 2006 09:54 AM | Link to this

@Raqi/Della

I agree w/both of your comments! They were both on point.

By SeanJohnson

August 3, 2006 09:55 AM | Link to this

What would you do if your mate’s child (or children) tries to test your patience? Would you stop seeing someone if their kid constantly tested your patience (or lackthereof)? it really has to be a serious relationship for me even to meet the kids..i do date single mothers but out of respect of the kids i prefer not really to interact with them due to me not wanting them getting attached to me if i am not going to be apart of their lives..but if it get to that point i wouldnt bail..i would work with mother to work out the reason the kid is testing my patience…kids usually act out according to how they feel so you have to be part friend part counselor part psychologist to kids. Now if the kids father didnt want me in their lives that would cause problems…i would bounce asap…dont need the drama…

By jraw

August 3, 2006 09:55 AM | Link to this

@Raqi/Della

I agree w/both of your comments! They were both on point.

By abc

August 3, 2006 10:00 AM | Link to this

Ex GF’s cretinous 13 year old contributed to the breakup. I knew it was a deal breaker, I should have moved on sooner. Kid is just an obnoxious creep.

By Foots

August 3, 2006 10:00 AM | Link to this

@danielle Should a parent discuss with their child about their need for companionship? Everyone has this need of course, but would it put a guilt trip on the kid? i.e. I don’t trust this dude, but I know Mom has to be with someone…

By Pharress_Beuller

August 3, 2006 10:03 AM | Link to this

The disrespect is the thing with me. I’m a southern boy, so I was raised to respect and obey my parents/grandparents…h3ll my elders! She does…sometimes, but other times they act more like sisters than mother and daughter and not that there’s anything wrong with that, but someone has to be the grown-up here. But I always think to myself that I don’t know how it is to be a parent so my views are somewhat skewd.

By 2 Can Play That Game©

August 3, 2006 10:03 AM | Link to this

19,997……….welcome, Pharress

By Rell(period)

August 3, 2006 10:04 AM | Link to this

one thing a child does not need is another dayum friend..they have plenty..what they need is tough love..i am not talking about wiping a**e…i am saying if the adults are talking you need to be quiet…ie we see you, we know you are in the room…do you know what we are talking about..what do you want..nothing write….ok, so how is your school work going…have you cleaned your room…about that science project…can’t check any of those off huh?…well seems you have more things to do then sit in look at our mouths about nothing that concerns you…so off you go….if they give you tude…then you know where to take it…..if the punk-a$$ parent has something to say about it…drop em..thats the problem today punk-a$$ parents..not the child

By SeanJohnson

August 3, 2006 10:08 AM | Link to this

To add to Della’s list if at all possible dont have sx if its a chance of the kid/s catching you….For a kid(s) to walk in a see their mother in a compromising position or hear some unfamiliar noises can scar them. You may end up having “that’ talk before you have to.

By darkbuty

August 3, 2006 10:10 AM | Link to this

abc had to look that one up!

cretin Slang. An idiot.

By danielle

August 3, 2006 10:18 AM | Link to this

Foots In a child appropriate manner you can tactfully explain that “mommy/daddy likes to have someone to do grown-up things with” and you could discuss your past relationship with the other parent and when you both were together how much you enjoyed spending time with them, and how much you’ve missed doing grown-up things.

If this situation is handled properly the child will not only understand your feelings but will cooperate with you. Remember, if you are “dogging out” the other parent, this discussion can end badly. Always speak well of the other parent (someone that they love and cherish) so that the child will know that your actions are not out of selfish disrespect, but that you appreciate them and the other parent as well.

RESPECT YOUR CHILD’S VIEWS!!!!!

By DuShawn

August 3, 2006 10:20 AM | Link to this

Good morning all, I expressed my thoughts on this subject the other day. It’s much easier to date a woman without kids. However, the older you get the greater the likelihood that a potential mate will already have children. As a man, you must consider is this something you want to deal with.

By Della

August 3, 2006 10:22 AM | Link to this

@jraw I like danielle’s comment as well. Children are already part of a broken family - which in itself is stressful. Then here you come wanting to date his/her mother/father. Who are you? What are you going to do to his/her mother/father? How long are you going to be around?

I was in the situation with my mother. She was dating this guy and he asked to marry her. I was crying and told her not to do it. He was a “bum” who liked living off women. He was not bringing anything to the table. My mother listened to me and I listened to her. I just said well let me go to college and then get married. Next thing I know the guy was no longer around.

Maybe I was acting like a baby or maybe I hit the nail on the head but I know I will do the same for my child as well.

By Blue_Kolla

August 3, 2006 10:29 AM | Link to this

thats the problem today punk-a$$ parents..not the child.

Rell/SeanJ I co-sign with the views of you two brothas.

Danielle You sound like you might be one of those punk-a$$ parents. Keeps talking. I haven’t made up my mind yet.

By THE INFAMOUS DK

August 3, 2006 10:30 AM | Link to this

Good Morning

Raqi You are not the childs parent so do not try to be. Let the parent discipline or speak to the child.

Well said.. You guys know my position on it..

By Blue_Kolla

August 3, 2006 10:31 AM | Link to this

Della My mother listened to me and I listened to her. I just said well let me go to college and then get married.

So what’s mom up to these days?

By BOLD & BEAUTIFUL

August 3, 2006 10:34 AM | Link to this

I try to take the lesson that i learned from my mother and instill it into my child. I agree, when grown folks are talking, kids should not be around. I was not allowed in the room when my mother had company or where talking in person or on the phone, but you know kids, they will try you, and that’s when the mean muggin comes.

By Rell(period)

August 3, 2006 10:35 AM | Link to this

people care more about the childs relationship with a boyfriend, then the relationship he has with his/her community at large….to me that is crazy…boyfriends come in go..regardless if jr really know uncle tony is not an uncle at all

By Wise Diva

August 3, 2006 10:39 AM | Link to this

I realize there were comments about the topic before. I actually had this entry loaded weeks before that. There may be somebody new to read or perhaps the discussion didn’t cover the gamut. At any rate, I will try not to be redundant but you guys topic hop, so it is bound to happen from time to time. Have a great day everyone.

By Rell(period)

August 3, 2006 10:41 AM | Link to this

You are not the childs parent so do not try to be. Let the parent discipline or speak to the child.

—i am so happy Mrs Gladis had the balls to check me when i was out of line down the street from the house…then i must give props to Mr Washington on giving me a job at 12 in the summer while my mother was at work..the job picking veggies out of his 12 acre farm…i also have to think mr mongoosat for correcting me when i was acting up in school…big props go to mr white for telling me the military was not a setback in life but a step-stone…..none of these folks were my parent

By Foots

August 3, 2006 10:46 AM | Link to this

danielle I hear what you are saying. But remembering my early childhood, I don’t think I was even allowed to have a view! Like B&B said, I couldn’t even be in the room if grown folks were talking. LOL

I’m not a parent, so I can’t really call how I’d handle things now from a dating perspective. But after my parents were divorced when I was seven, they both dated folks and no one sat me down for anything. I just accepted it and liked a few of them, even if my other parent didn’t. Maybe that’s just how it was done in the old days though, times change.

By Della

August 3, 2006 10:46 AM | Link to this

@Rell It is not about who is the parent and who is the child. RESPECT goes both ways. Parents have to be respectful and their children will learn to be respectful as well. No child should be seen and not heard. I totally disagree with that. You should not have “grown-up” talk in front of your children anyway. That is why you have so many “grown-tail” children (because parents say any and everything in front of them).

Respectful convesation would include the child as well especially if he/she is in the room. Plus if the child is going the bed at a decent hr. - you have plenty of time to conversate with his mother when he goes to bed.

By CorporateThug

August 3, 2006 10:47 AM | Link to this

I honestly believe that my ex’s relationship with my daughters is the reason we’re not together anymore. They can be trying. I know she has had to deal with “your not my mother” comments being made to her. She also has children and fortunately I have never had to go thru a “you not my dad” confrontation. I know she had expressed to me how difficult it could be dealing with that type of situation.

Ultimately, what I realized is that you have to come into the situation understanding that you actually are not the mother/father. So don’t try to be. But your are the adult and they should have a certain respect for you on that alone. I will tell a child very simply that you’re going to do what I say (in a co-habitating deal) not because I’m your dad, but because I pay the bills in here. I told my kids that they were to respect her because she was the other adult in the house washing their clothes and cooking their food and making sure they were ok so respect her out of gratitude and courtesy.

I would think its harder for women to deal with because I think more women “want” to be maternal towards children on instinct and so that type of rejection hits hard. But you have to go in with the attitude that you do for the children because you care about them regardless of their biological status and so those comments wouldn’t hurt you. Besides your own children are just as capable of saying just as effed-up things so recognize that you’re the adult and they’re the children and react accordingly.

By THE INFAMOUS DK

August 3, 2006 10:48 AM | Link to this

I think all children need to know their place in the hiearchy of things.. I believe respect is of the utmost importance. I believe you shouldnt be talking when grown folks talking, I believe if you are asked to do something dont ask me why just get to it.. I believe the child has no rights only opinions until they start paying their own bills.. Now I am not saying to be a tyrant to your child but they should definitely know the difference between Dad/Mom and their friends..

Della Well put..

Nobody will be meeting my son anyway until he can talk and she will have to have been around for a while.. I am not going to let my son just see any random babe around all the time out of respect for him.. The only thing he needs to know is Dad loves him because my relationships or whatever you call them really dont concern him anyway.. I actually think its tacky to take your child out on your dates, thats what a baby sitter is for and if you cant find a babysitter then that might not be a good night to go out.. Oh but I forgot some women look at it as a free meal for her and her child, unfortunately most men will do it just to get close to the mom and have no interest what-so-ever in the child..

By Wise Diva

August 3, 2006 10:49 AM | Link to this

just to clarify, the topic is dating related, so we need advice not criticism. How do you handle when a child is adding resistance, what are tips to make things go smoother.

Do not turn another topic into insult swapping, it is soooo pointless.

By Kym aka Queen of the I dont give a Dayumn

August 3, 2006 10:51 AM | Link to this

Good Morning All,

Yes this topic is intense and we addressed it a few days ago..but here is my 2.00dollar opinion. First single parent homes are not damage goods, broken homes, or any other negative sterotype that society wishes to attach to it, regardsless of how it happen a single parent and their child or children should be respected as a family. If you feel negatively about dating a single parent then dont date one.

What would you do if your mate’s child (or children) tries to test your patience? Talk to the parent about the issue if they are not receptive to your concerns then maybe this is not the best situation for you. Would you stop seeing someone if their kid constantly tested your patience (or lackthereof)? No, but again I would communicate openly with the person and express my concerns, if it go to be too much for me and we were in a serious committed (married) relationship then we will be on our way to the therapist because there are some issues somewhere that need to be resolved.

What happens if the mother or father doesn’t approve of you being around their child (or children)?

I agree with all of the comments especially kinderbabe…people introduce their children too soon to someone they themselves only have a slight interest in..So I am not one for meeting a person I am dating child or children too quickly, because you will not be meeting my son for a long long long long long time. As a matter of fact he will have no clue you exist other than he may hear your name in passing.

Again great book I recommend highly is Single Mamahood.

By danielle

August 3, 2006 10:52 AM | Link to this

Rell/SeanJ You sound like you might be one of those punk-a$$ parents. Keeps talking. I haven’t made up my mind yet

I am a happily married mom of a six year old child and have never dated as a single mom, but I have seen and heard horror stories about parents who have not taken their children into consideration and the long lasting effects it has had on them (child molestation, abuse, neglect and deliquency)

My child is her own individual, she has feelings and I respect those BEFORE any man. However, I teach my daugther proper manners and high morals and expect nothing less than the utmost respect from her in the presence of others.

NOW PUT THAT IN YOUR PIPE AND SMOKE IT!!!!!

By CorporateThug

August 3, 2006 10:54 AM | Link to this

Rell, you can’t do that (let the parent discipline) all the time. Sometimes that parent is not around and something has to be done.

You should make sure that whoever you are dating shares the same principles toward child discipline as you. I am a “spare the rod spoil the child” type. And I would have no problems if my significant other felt she had to take a belt to one of my children if they misbehaved. They need to have the same healthy fear of her that they have of me if she’s going to bear the responsibility of my children’s welfare as much as I am during our time together. If you go into it with the attitude of “they come and go” that’s how your children will treat them. They will adopt the attitude of “I don’t have to listen to you, you temporary”.

I had no problem discipline my ex’s sons, tho’ fortunately, with the older one (he was 12 when we first got together) I only had to do it once and he got the message. Her youngest (he was 3) I had to apply the same principles towards my young ones to him as well. She had a 14 year old daughter also, but fortunately I could reason with her and get her to understand why she had to respect. In most cases, you just have to establish a good line of communication and BE CONSISTENT. Consistency is the key.

By kr_fstr

August 3, 2006 10:57 AM | Link to this

I am engaged to a single father and I do not have children. In the beginning, his ex-wife was very jealous and tried to make the situation problematic. I wondered whether things would ever get any better. But I do not advise a person to just drop everything and leave if things don’t seem to be perfect in the beginning.

This is a complicated situation and it takes time for all parties to become accustomed to the new situation. It requires a great deal of patience on both the parent and the person they are dating.

My s/o and his ex share custody so the children are with us part of the year. Their mother and I have developed a relationship now because she has accepted the fact that I am in his life and I am in their children’s lives. When we finally met, she told me that she had to “check herself” because she had always prayed that when he started dating someone, it would be someone who is good to the children. She had received her blessing and hadn’t recognized it…but she was humble enough to admit that.

During the time she was in her “evil ex-wife stage” she had never met me or held a conversation with me. So it was easy to see me in a negative light. But once she got to know me, her whole attitude changed. I knew that during the time of “evil-ness” LOL, it was crucial for me to be patient and always show respect for her no matter what.

If you are not mature enough to date someone with a child and an ex, then please do not do it. If you expect everything to be perfect…don’t do it, because it won’t be. A child’s parent can have a affect on how their child feels about you, but your actions are a big part of it too. And if you disrespect their parent, you are asking for it.

I think that it is only natural for the other parent to feel jealous about another person coming into their child’s life. Especially when they don’t know you or know what kind of affect will have on their children. In my situation, the children actually like me, so she was having a hard time dealing with that. It’s only normal for her to feel threatened.

Bottom line is this, it won’t be perfect in the beginning. If you really care for the person, you will be patient. I’m not saying stick around and be miserable due to a crazy ex. But give it some time. If it doesn’t seem to be getting better, or the person you are dating can’t put their ex in their place, you need to say good-bye. That goes for the child(ren) too. If your s/o does not discipline their children, its going to cause a problem in your relationship. Like someone else said, you should address the problem, and if it doesn’t get better, you might have let that person go.

By Della

August 3, 2006 10:59 AM | Link to this

@Blue I never had a problem with my mother dating - and she dated other guys after that. Two I know she really liked but she never married them. I know her highshcool sweetheart asked her to marry him recently and she said no. She is single, happy and not dating. I do not think my mother was going to marry that guy. He asked so she was letting her children know. Of course, I flipped out. But in the end, regardless of how I felt, it was her decision to make. I was just happy she let me talk about how I felt and just provided the comfort I needed.

By LahLah

August 3, 2006 10:59 AM | Link to this

Rell it takes a village huh???

By Lord Demi

August 3, 2006 11:01 AM | Link to this

BOLD & BEAUTIFUL: A 6 year old…playing mind games? That’s sad

By SeanJohnson

August 3, 2006 11:01 AM | Link to this

@ Danielle…i am not taking offense…but thats a typo..when included me in your comment right?

By Randyt

August 3, 2006 11:01 AM | Link to this

i agree completely with what Kinderbabe said. I would add a few things that I have decided from my dating experience (plus being a stepchild myself growing up).

1) No matter how your SO seems to want it, remember always that you are not the kids father, and never will be. You can and should be the child’s friend, but you MUST respect the absent parent (as you would want to be respected if the situation was reversed).

2) You cannot and will not win the battle if there is a conflict between you or time with you, vs. the child. The parent may ‘care’ for you, but she ‘loves’ those children in a way that she cannot and will not ever love you…and that is the way it should be. Don’t fight it, make a decision about whether you can live with it, and if not just move on, if you choose to stay, then ‘grit your teeth, smile, and keep your mouth shut’. When I got engaged in college, an ROTC instructor of mine, who had been married three times told me something tremendously insightful and almost always true. He said that a woman “is a mother FIRST, a daughter SECOND, and a wife ‘at best’ THIRD”. I have seen little to contradict that in the ensuing years.

* 3) If the children cause a rift betwen you and the SO, don’t fight it, just take what you have learned and enjoyed from the relationship and say bye.* Spend some quality time at a bar, crying in your beer (but not as much as Mel Gibson), then start looking for an SO that has all of the traits you admired so much in the one you left…but less baggage.

* 4) Kids are the best ‘Bull Shot’ detectors in the world, just as Kinderbabe said…don’t do it, ever. Always be honest, and regardless of their age, treat them as your equal* You can BS the lady, adults hear what they want to hear, but never the kids…never.

** 5) If you run into any of the ‘rules 1 - 4’ but the lady is so fine that you want to try to stay and ‘fix things’, GO BACK AND REREAD RULES 1 - 4, IT IS A BATTLE YOU CANNOT WIN. IMHO

So, I thought I would throw this in, you can throw it back out again now. LOL

By Cinderella aka Cee

August 3, 2006 11:02 AM | Link to this

My kids are respectful to eyecandy not because he’s my boyfriend but because he’s an adult. If they don’t like someone they come to me with their concerns and we talk about it…they don’t act rudely to said person. All this about kids being ugly and testing people’s patience reflects on the parenting. The kids behavior needs to be addressed and handled. Of course if BF is whoopin on momma, the kids got a right not to like them but if there’s nothing outwardly wrong with the BF the kids need to get checked.

By 2 Can Play That Game©

August 3, 2006 11:02 AM | Link to this

Diva, diva, diva…..my gal…..not criticizing……..lighten up;

but ummm, you said, “There may be somebody new to read or perhaps the discussion didn’t cover the gamut.” New, meaning other than the 20 grand, that’s already uniquely reading, or new commenters from the 20 grand…….cause right now, we’re only working with .15% of the population…….so……new who?

gon’ roll ya eyes….I know it’s comin…….

By darkbuty

August 3, 2006 11:03 AM | Link to this

So what should the relationship be with your SO’s child? I’m hearing do NOT be their friends, do NOT be their maternal/paternal figure, so….should we just be tolerated and respected? There shouldn’t be an intimate relationship between the child and the SO where you have sayso in their upbringing and discipline? Of course, I’m talking about a serious relationship. What about if you’re co-habitating or married?

What if you two have children? So then you have inequality in the household because where as one child is disciplined by both parents, the other is only disciplined by one? Does that promote unity in the household?

By kr_fstr

August 3, 2006 11:04 AM | Link to this

I am engaged to a single father and I do not have children. In the beginning, his ex-wife was very jealous and tried to make the situation problematic. I wondered whether things would ever get any better. But I do not advise a person to just drop everything and leave if things don’t seem to be perfect in the beginning.

This is a complicated situation and it takes time for all parties to become accustomed to the new situation. It requires a great deal of patience on both the parent and the person they are dating.

My s/o and his ex share custody so the children are with us part of the year. Their mother and I have developed a relationship now because she has accepted the fact that I am in his life and I am in their children’s lives. When we finally met, she told me that she had to “check herself” because she had always prayed that when he started dating someone, it would be someone who is good to the children. She had received her blessing and hadn’t recognized it…but she was humble enough to admit that.

During the time she was in her “evil ex-wife stage” she had never met me or held a conversation with me. So it was easy to see me in a negative light. But once she got to know me, her whole attitude changed. I knew that during the time of “evil-ness” LOL, it was crucial for me to be patient and always show respect for her no matter what.

If you are not mature enough to date someone with a child and an ex, then please do not do it. If you expect everything to be perfect…don’t do it, because it won’t be. A child’s parent can have a affect on how their child feels about you, but your actions are a big part of it too. And if you disrespect their parent, you are asking for it.

I think that it is only natural for the other parent to feel jealous about another person coming into their child’s life. Especially when they don’t know you or know what kind of affect will have on their children. In my situation, the children actually like me, so she was having a hard time dealing with that. It’s only normal for her to feel threatened.

Bottom line is this, it won’t be perfect in the beginning. If you really care for the person, you will be patient. I’m not saying stick around and be miserable due to a crazy ex. But give it some time. If it doesn’t seem to be getting better, or the person you are dating can’t put their ex in their place, you need to say good-bye. That goes for the child(ren) too. If your s/o does not discipline their children, its going to cause a problem in your relationship. Like someone else said, you should address the problem, and if it doesn’t get better, you might have let that person go.

By Cammi

August 3, 2006 11:05 AM | Link to this

My daughter is an extremely social being. In fact, I have to tell her it’s not always okay to be familiar with everyone. So when she appears to shy away from or seems to be uncomfortable with certain people….I TAKE NOTICE! I don’t care if it’s a family member, friend of the family or someone I am “seeing”. I do not date a lot, but when I do she is never rude to the other person. When we are alone, she will take that opportunity to say whether she really likes the person or dislikes them. When she says she does not like someone I ask questions in an attempt to help her articulate her reasons for disliking that person. As has been stated by others in this blog, children see things in others that we either cannot or will not see.

By Blue_Kolla

August 3, 2006 11:05 AM | Link to this

Hey Danielle that was me that was commenting to you, not Rell and SeanJ. I was just making an observation… still inconclusive.

By Cammi

August 3, 2006 11:06 AM | Link to this

My daughter is an extremely social being. In fact, I have to tell her it’s not always okay to be familiar with everyone. So when she appears to shy away from or seems to be uncomfortable with certain people….I TAKE NOTICE! I don’t care if it’s a family member, friend of the family or someone I am “seeing”. I do not date a lot, but when I do she is never rude to the other person. When we are alone, she will take that opportunity to say whether she really likes the person or dislikes them. When she says she does not like someone I ask questions in an attempt to help her articulate her reasons for disliking that person. As has been stated by others in this blog, children see things in others that we either cannot or will not see.

By crimson esq.

August 3, 2006 11:08 AM | Link to this

good morning everyone…

I don’t have any children and I’ve never dated anyone with a child…honestly I don’t think that I could…

but I do feel that if the relationship is getting complicated due to the child..then the best option is to walk away… for the parents the #1 priority should be your child’s well being..not if you’re out having your fun too… for those that are dating single parents… if you’re unhappy with the situation leave it alone..the child isn’t going anywhere and it isn’t right to have your SO feel guilty for having a child…if you feel that the person is a “bad parent”…then think about how your future child would be raised with them…

By Rell(period)

August 3, 2006 11:08 AM | Link to this

@danny

Rell/SeanJ You sound like you might be one of those punk-a$$ parents. Keeps talking. I haven’t made up my mind yet

lady you might need to look up…BK made this statement about keep talking….i am not saying disrespect your child but please don’t make the child the tipping point in your relationship…that determation should be made before the child is introduced into the relationship…I was raised by a single mother that after my left…she did not go from relationship to relationship she waited until she found the right one…funny thing is she still has buddy on pause he asked me in 2002 if i gave my blessing on a wedding…i was like yep, but moms has been saying no since 83….lol….not here to argue or start the BS we just chatting

By darkbuty

August 3, 2006 11:09 AM | Link to this

*kr_fstr * Standing ovation!

By Wise Diva

August 3, 2006 11:09 AM | Link to this

oh no, I wasn’t taking it as criticism, at all. I just wanted to let you know that I read your comment. I am not rolling eyes, I have no attitude, I am cool as a cucumber!

By Raqi

August 3, 2006 11:10 AM | Link to this

Rell your 10:41 comment does not relate to dating.

By darkbuty

August 3, 2006 11:10 AM | Link to this

LMAO Rell/SeanJ Got in trouble for something blue said!!

By will coit

August 3, 2006 11:12 AM | Link to this

My preference is to date women who do not have kids. I’ve been there and done that. I’ve had too many unpleasant experiences to turn me off completely to the idea. Besides, Atlanta has a lot of single girls with no kids so you should not have a problem picking them up.

http://www.lulu.com/content/59240

By Candidly Speaking

August 3, 2006 11:13 AM | Link to this

What up Cuz? I see you still on the head count.

Well, I think I told you’ll how I felt bout dating wit kidz the other day. No need to rehash dat shiid.

By SeanJohnson

August 3, 2006 11:16 AM | Link to this

@ Darkbooty slash step momma…lol…didnt get in trouble…i was just thnking…i have been quiet today..actually doing some work and i look up and D money snuck me..lol..but i knew it was a mistake so i will i give her a pass…i wont set trip this time.lmao..

By CorporateThug

August 3, 2006 11:18 AM | Link to this

Here’s the best advice I can give since I’ve been on both sides (parent and step parent)

If you’re the parent: 1. Make sure you and your significant other share most of the same views on how a family should be raised. This will give consistency in the home with how you guys address issues.

If you are the SO:

Those are the basics. You can adjust for your personal situations, lol.

By 2 Can Play That Game©

August 3, 2006 11:19 AM | Link to this

that is awesome, Diva……I don’t have the energy today, either…..

By Blue_Kolla

August 3, 2006 11:19 AM | Link to this

Della I was just happy she let me talk about how I felt and just provided the comfort I needed.

You kills me sometime… What in the world did you have to do with your mom’s relationship at what, 17 or so?

Dark what should the relationship be with your SO’s child? I’m hearing do NOT be their friends, do NOT be their maternal/paternal figure, so….should we just be tolerated and respected?

I’m figuring that we should just be Phantoms, slip in when they’re asleep and slip out before they wake. And if you happen to run into them in public, just smile and keep it moving. That way you won’t have to worry about hurting anybody’s feelings. I’m mutable…

By danielle

August 3, 2006 11:20 AM | Link to this

Blue_Kolla You sound like you might be one of those punk-a$$ parents.

NOT A PUNK JUST PROTECTIVE…GET IT RIGHT!!!

By Rell(period)

August 3, 2006 11:24 AM | Link to this

OMG…i am going to killmyself now…thanks Raqi…lol..geesh….ok you are the big dyck on the plantation now..lol

By Blue_Kolla

August 3, 2006 11:24 AM | Link to this

Dark See….?!

By jraw

August 3, 2006 11:24 AM | Link to this

@Randyt You preached a good sermon on that one my friend and I couldn’t agree more!

crimson You never dated anyone w/kids? You must be young. Eventually, that will change mark my words and you will quickly develop a new outlook.

By 2 Can Play That Game©

August 3, 2006 11:26 AM | Link to this

yep, kinfolk,….conducting my own experiment……

that data is skewed, so I need to try to figga out what standard deviation variance I can use to give me a range that would adequately depict the true population and the actual mode of participants from said population…….wanna assist with the research?

By Raqi

August 3, 2006 11:28 AM | Link to this

Cinder/Cee I agree with you whole heartedly. I enforce to my kids to respect all adults and people in general.

IMO the issue is when a child is accustomed to the parent spending all this time with them alone and then one day some one else is all of sudden (to their knowledge) in the picture, the will react. It’s up to the parent to assure the child that this person is not a threat to your relationship or love to them. When I was pregnant with my second son, towards the end of the pregnancy I let my oldest know that a new baby was coming. He began to get excited about having a sibling, but once the spider monkey got here and he saw that I couldn’t play with “at that time” because I had to tend to the baby, he became jealous and started to show it. I had to teach him that I loved both of them the same. It didn’t take him long to get over it, he just had to learn. I think this is the case with a “stranger” coming around to visit the parent.

Of all the guys that I went out, only the few that I had long term relationships with ever met or even knew I had kids. That’s why it mattered to me how my kids interacted with this person. I wasn’t bringing just anybody around my kids.

By FyreStarrter™

August 3, 2006 11:28 AM | Link to this

“Good Morning Everyone!”

As I have told many of you before I do NOT date men with Children. (For the record I did this straight out of High School & well into my first few years of college) It’s not for me AT ALL. BUT, as a person who has done so in the past here’s my insight: It takes PATIENCE, LOTS of PATIENCE. There will be days when you want to cry your eyes out or pull all your hair out from the level of frustration.

These days alot of parents (I find this to be true more so for Single Moms than Dads) have issues with properly disciplining their children. Their children just seem to be able to do whatever they want to do & say whatever it is that comes to mind. You don’t really seem to have “Grown Folks Talk” like we used to in the old days. Now everything is about the children & their “feelings & choices”. I call Penn & Teller on that! BS! Parents RAISE your children they are NOT meant to be your friends!

To those in relationships where their SO has children, I have to let you know that you will NEVER be first in the relationship (see RandyT’s post for further reference), & that their will almost always be some animosity between you & the childrens’ other parent & you have to be prepared to deal with that-HEAD ON.

I do agree that it is best NOT to introduce the children to your new SO until you are sure they are going to stick around for a while (kids are unforunately very impressionistic these days). But your children should NOT dictate whom you date & whom you do not. You also cannot let your children be disrespectful to the person you are dating either. I was fortunate that in the 3 relationships I have had where I have dated SO’s with children that the children behaved fairly well (for the MOST part), so my SO & I did not have too many conflicts on discipline.

& Rell, I agree with you it really does take a VILLAGE to raise a child these days. Especially with so many single parents. Single Parents I have much luv for you but your children need as much guidance as possible into todays confusing world. They get it from you but they also need that wisdom to come from others as well.

GP ARE YOU WIT ME??!!??

By Blue_Kolla

August 3, 2006 11:29 AM | Link to this

Danielle Notice in the very next line, that I said the my findings were “inconclusive”.

By 2 Can Play That Game©

August 3, 2006 11:31 AM | Link to this

that last post said adequately depict, when it should have said accurately depict……I guess I do need to come up with a method that will adequately, with accuracy*, give me a true telling of our viewership…..AJC, wanna sponsor my research?

By Blue_Kolla

August 3, 2006 11:33 AM | Link to this

LOL @ Raqi and Rell He’s off topic and she’s Mrs. Big Johnson. LMAO.

By kr_fstr

August 3, 2006 11:33 AM | Link to this

sorry for posting the same comment twice.

You all REALLY need to listen to “”corporate thug”” because he is absolutely right. My response to, “she is not my mother” was similar. This is the mistake that a lot of daters of single parents make. Remember that you are NOT their parent. But be careful using the term “friend” because to the child, that means that you are on their level…like the rest of their “friends.” They need to see you as an adult who they should respect. Not a friend, not someone trying to be their parent. So as Corporate Thug said, if you are ever confronted with that “you are not my parent” (and you will be confronted with it) agree with them and remind them that they have to respect you and do what you say because you are the adult. Children are trying to get an emotional response out of you when they make that comment anyway so don’t play into it.

By Raqi

August 3, 2006 11:37 AM | Link to this

Okay Rell you are right and I’m wrong. When I read the topic I thought we were discussing kids when it comes to dating…not kids when it comes to being disciplined by the neighbor or the teacher or the football coach or whatever.

Your comment was made against a statement I made but I got it wrong. Sorry.

By Della

August 3, 2006 11:37 AM | Link to this

I think far to often we are quick to “dismiss” children. I would never tell my child to “be present but not heard.” I want my child to know how to speak up and speak out. I want him to be courteous to everyone but he should never feel that he can not tell an adult NO, and that he has to LIKE everyone I LIKE. I want him to know that adults do not know everything nor are they right all the time. Just because he is a child does not mean he has to do everything an adult tells him to do.

By Blue_Kolla

August 3, 2006 11:39 AM | Link to this

Fyre You might want to watch ya back with that kind of philosophy. You don’t want to hurt any feelings up in this camp.

By darkbuty

August 3, 2006 11:39 AM | Link to this

Blue I’m figuring that we should just be Phantoms, slip in when they’re asleep and slip out before they wake. And if you happen to run into them in public, just smile and keep it moving. That way you won’t have to worry about hurting anybody’s feelings. I’m mutable…

LMAO I think you’re right!! I’m still laughing….that would be hilarious!!

SeanJ I want a pass too!!

By SeanJohnson

August 3, 2006 11:40 AM | Link to this

A comment to those who dont date people with kid. One day you will one of the same people who you say you dont date…If you dont believe me…keep living..I hear this a lot form people straight out of college or so called young professionals…

By THE INFAMOUS DK

August 3, 2006 11:41 AM | Link to this

The funniest thing is hearing people that dont have kids trying to tell someone with kids how to raise them.. I’ll admit I used to be the same way until I had a child.. Oh I was quick to say you need to do this with your child and make your child do this or that.. I had a friend tell me once “you have no idea what it takes to raise a child and you wont until you have one because all the rules and regulations go out the window.” Its just like a single person telling a married person how to make their relationship work, you cant because you dont have the experience in that field..

By FyreStarrter™

August 3, 2006 11:42 AM | Link to this

kr_fstr You get a soul clap for that last statement. Children TRULY are trying to get an emotional response out of you. To them, they are smart enough to know that if they get you to lose your cool, more than likely your SO will think YOU are the one at fault in the sitch & kick your a$$ out lol! You 0 : Kid 42,645, eleventy 38!

By BOLD & BEAUTIFUL

August 3, 2006 11:42 AM | Link to this

@Demi, what’s so sad about it? That’s her way of not sharing me with anyone. You have to understand, she has had me to herself for 6 yrs, now there’s someone else sharing me. Too a 6 yr. old that’s scary. It’s like taking her security blanket. And as a parent it’s my responsibility to ensure her that i’m not being taken away from her or she’s being replaced in my life, but that there’s someone else who wants to share OUR live with us, yes, she does try to manipulate, but she doesn’t succeed. Because it doesn’t work, she has eased off on that.

By crimson esq.

August 3, 2006 11:42 AM | Link to this

@ jraw It’s funny to me that you’d think that my view will change and it’s even funnier that I must be “young” because I opt not to date men with children…I’m 26… I know the desires of my heart…what I will and will not engage in with a relationship.. I am not going to walk into a ready made family.. no offense to those that have children or have chosen to date someone with a child..

While it may be true that the older we get the less likely it is to find someone that doesn’t have a child.. reality is that there are people out there that don’t have children…one of the first questions that I will ask someone that I have taken interest in is “do you have a child?” if they respond yes then I already know that we’d never be anything more than friends…

By Rell(period)

August 3, 2006 11:45 AM | Link to this

thats what i am saying della….but a child thinks as a child not an adult..but oo neva mind….i am only a father..and a mother is always right in these matters…lol

By Della

August 3, 2006 11:47 AM | Link to this

@Blue You kills me sometime… What in the world did you have to do with your mom’s relationship at what, 17 or so?

Everything! Every man she brings into her life, into her home is coming into my life as well. It affects me as well. And parents need to recognize that.

By Blue_Kolla

August 3, 2006 11:48 AM | Link to this

Another Thought: PRE-NUP any chick with grown kids, because that’s the same chick that had the bad azz kids that wanted to disrespect you 10+ years ago. Why should those brats be put in a position to capitalize on your lifelong hard work.

By DASvenus

August 3, 2006 11:51 AM | Link to this

good morning/afternoon ppl

storm where you at?? mail call

Fyre i am witcha on sat… just need to handle some things. will keep you posted.

on topic i dipped in this pool when it was discussed a few days ago too, but i will try to lay down some new comments as directed by Diva

SOs should mentor, not parent

children should be taught discretion, and empowered, not setup to be victims

dating should not disrupt a childs normal routine… single parents have built into your regular schedule time for yourself… to spend with self, friends, or the opposite sex. so when you drop little jimmy off at grandmas, there is no cause for him to feel rejected, become resent and act out due to jealousy. when that occurs it has NOTHING to do with the SO, it speaks to the relationship the child has with the parent

Kids should understand the hierarchy but first they have to respect it. which means they have to feel like a valued participant no matter how small their stock really is.

By darkbuty

August 3, 2006 11:51 AM | Link to this

Here’s a true story that happened to my best friend….

She dated her EX for 15 years…all through high school and college…they had a son together. Things didn’t work out. She married another gentleman when the son was about 6yrs. Well, they had been dealing with the boy taking money out of his granny’s purse. His mother spanked him….well, the school called and he had gotten in trouble for something similar…petty stealing (if there is such a thing). Well, the mother wasn’t home and the step-father went upstairs and took him out of the bath and spanked him.

Fastforward to the weekend when the son visits his biological dad. Son tells dad about the incident and how step-dad yanked him out of the tub, beat him ruthlessly (of course I’m exaggerating, but the child definitely expounded on the facts). The father was LIVID!! He called children services, refused to give the child back. The mother had to go over there with police officers to retrieve her child.

This created soooo much drama…they were investigated, but no charges were filed. Their both Police officers so their jobs were at risk if found guilty. The child admitted to making up statements…he liked the attention and seeing his dad rally behind him like that.

This created tension in the home because she told her hubby to let her discipline the child….He felt like that was a knock to his “head of the household” role since he’s the one who financially provide for the child….bio dad is unemployed and has been in/out of jail for failure to pay child support. But he does see his child every other w/e….against step dads wishes…Step dad doesn’t believe he should have the right to visit if he’s not paying child support….

I can go on and on with this scenario because it’s so many issues…but I’m tired of typing now…

By danielle

August 3, 2006 11:52 AM | Link to this

The Infamous DK I co-sign your 11:41 post.

By DASvenus

August 3, 2006 11:54 AM | Link to this

blueK PRE-NUP any chick with grown kids, because that’s the same chick that had the bad azz kids that wanted to disrespect you 10+ years ago. Why should those brats be put in a position to capitalize on your lifelong hard work. you need a drink cause you have given this just toooo much thought…. LMAO. i aint mad at cha, though!

By Mega Man's Demi

August 3, 2006 11:54 AM | Link to this

While there is nothing wrong with dating women with kids…I am in no mood to meet bay-bay, ray-ray, or boo-boo before date #2. Heck if I find out ole girl has two kids, while running LL’s interview. Date #1 isn’t happening…

now donning Mega Man suit and Mega Blasting women with 3 kids created by 3 different fathers

Yeeaaaahhh! Now get on your knees Clicks!!!

By FyreStarrter™

August 3, 2006 11:57 AM | Link to this

Della I hear what you are saying but too many parents take that whole I want my children to speak up thing to mean, my kids are my friend instead of me being their parent, protector, & mentor. So we have todays children who are FAR TOO DAYUM GROWN for their own good as a direct result of all that. I believe children should be heard but ONLY when it is an appropriate situation for them to have a voice in. They are CHILDREN after all.

By Kym aka Queen of the I dont give a Dayumn

August 3, 2006 11:57 AM | Link to this

@Della No one is saying a child should like everyone but I do live by the when grown-ups are talking your should be walking idea. Your kid should be in grown-folks convo. My son is a talker(like me) and he will sometimes just run his mouth and I have to reach out and pop him upside the head and remind him that hey when I am talking to you I will let you know, or I give him the look that says “Shut up now or I will shut you up.” Works out fine.

By CorporateThug

August 3, 2006 12:02 PM | Link to this

darkbuty,

your story went wrong because the bio-dad, didn’t call the mother, not because the step-dad beat the child. he was the a*****e. he just wanted to cause conflict period.

By Candidly Speaking

August 3, 2006 12:03 PM | Link to this

Manye, math is my thing, not as sharp as I usta 2 be, but I can still hold my own.

By jraw

August 3, 2006 12:03 PM | Link to this

@crimson *@ jraw It’s funny to me that you’d think that my view will change and it’s even funnier that I must be “young” because I opt not to date men with children…I’m 26… I know the desires of my heart…what I will and will not engage in with a relationship.. I am not going to walk into a ready made family.. no offense to those that have children or have chosen to date someone with a child..

While it may be true that the older we get the less likely it is to find someone that doesn’t have a child.. reality is that there are people out there that don’t have children…one of the first questions that I will ask someone that I have taken interest in is “do you have a child?” if they respond yes then I already know that we’d never be anything more than friends…*

Sweetie, that’s kool w/me who you date as long as you are happy. Hopefully, you will get married and have kids and everything will be ok. But, If you don’t get married by 36, I know you will you change you view on the whole kid thing by then because like SJ/Dushawn said your pool of childless men will be slim. Also, who’s to say you won’t be a mother by then as well. You will grow a lot mentally in ten years(not saying you are immature) and you views will most likely change as well. Enjoy the journey.

By 2 Can Play That Game©

August 3, 2006 12:05 PM | Link to this

Dem, I concur…..a gal with mor’n 2 B-diddies, is definitely a no-go…….I look leery even at those with more than 1…….

ladies, how do y’all deal with the multiple D-diddies, and having your chi’ren split up…..one of ‘em with his daddy one week, the other with his daddy, the next….too much for me…..

By Kym aka Queen of the I dont give a Dayumn

August 3, 2006 12:05 PM | Link to this

sorry that should have read should not be in grown-folks convo-hell you get the idea. Kids should remain kids as long as possible leave grown folks talking for grown folks.

By Della

August 3, 2006 12:13 PM | Link to this

@Fyre Disagree - You have “FAR TOO DAYUM GROWN” children because parents are saying any and everything in front of their children. This ties into my comment to Kym - if I am having grown up conversation then I would tell my child to go outside and play or go to his room and do such and such.

Children pick up our mannerisms and imitiate us - so we need to watch what we are discussing in front of them, especially when we are on the phone.

Now I agree children need to know not to “interrupt” your conversation when you are talking to someone else, and learn not to tell all his and your business (but that it hard to do if a parent tell all his/her business - children learn from example).

By FyreStarrter™

August 3, 2006 12:13 PM | Link to this

Crimson TRUST there will be some people who will our view of NOT dating SO’s with children upsetting or offensive. But stick to your guns because it is truly a life-altering experience. One as such, I have chosen NEVER to do again.

By BOLD & BEAUTIFUL

August 3, 2006 12:13 PM | Link to this

@2- The same way you deal with too many baby momma’s.

By FyreStarrter™

August 3, 2006 12:19 PM | Link to this

BOLD I HEAR THAT! TRU TRU! (Dayum sounds like my Ex WTF was I thinking…)

By Blue_Kolla

August 3, 2006 12:20 PM | Link to this

Della Everything! Every man she brings into her life, into her home is coming into my life as well. It affects me as well. And parents need to recognize that.

I can’t believe that you, as a supposedly grown woman with a fam of your own are posting this. You’re having problems at your own crib and still trying to regulate moms.

By FyreStarrter™

August 3, 2006 12:22 PM | Link to this

My 1213 comment should read will FIND our view… OOPS!

By crimson esq.

August 3, 2006 12:25 PM | Link to this

jraw

But, If you don’t get married by 36, I know you will you change you view on the whole kid thing by then because like SJ/Dushawn said your pool of childless men will be slim. Also, who’s to say you won’t be a mother by then as well.

There are certain views that I have had that have stuck with me through the years…dating someone with a child has never made my list for things to re-consider…and I honestly don’t see that changing regardless of whether I’m 36 and still unmarried or not… I love children.. and I respect single parents who raise their children well with or without the assistance of the other parent…but it just isn’t a dynamic that I want to explore…

Regarding your comment about me being a mother by then… unless I’m married.. I will not have a child… so to answer your question of “who’s to say…?” the answer is me…

By abc

August 3, 2006 12:25 PM | Link to this

I’d date a single mom again, but tellin ya, if the kid’s another monster I’d call it right away. Ain’t gonna deal with nasty kids any more.

By Della

August 3, 2006 12:28 PM | Link to this

@darkbuty He should never have touched the child. Never. Hell, now and days you can barely touch your own child without social services wanting to investigate - but that is besides the point. The fact is there are several ways to discipline a child and hauling him out of the bath tub should have be the last one.

It is unfortuate the the bio father does not have a job, because sometimes it is better for sons (once they reach a certain age) to live with their bio father (especially if the mother has remarried).

I think the step-dad needs to recognize how explosive the situation can get at any moment and just leave the discipline to his wife. However the wife should sit down with her ex husband and let him know what is going on with the child and that as an unit they need to nip his attitude now before their son is in a juvenile detention center.

By Raqi

August 3, 2006 12:29 PM | Link to this

Well 2Can it is not the ideal situation, honestly. But since my first sons father died when my son was only 3 years old it seems like he just grew use to not having a father. Once I explained to him about death he just accepted it. Up until recently Whitebread had really been a crappy father to his son so neither one of them was being taken off from the other. Now that the babe is spending time with his father I don’t think it makes any difference to the older because he is out doing his own thing. I said I don’t think it does, but it just as well could be the reason I have a grandson. I have accepted that my bad choices have brought on consequences that I have to live with.

By crimson esq.

August 3, 2006 12:36 PM | Link to this

Fyre.. I hear u sista… I just feel this way..there’s no reason for anyone to be up in arms about someone choosing not to date an individual with a child.. for every woman or man that won’t u’ll find someone that will…

By 2 Can Play That Game©

August 3, 2006 12:36 PM | Link to this

Bold…musta struck a nerve! but I don’t have that problem….my kids have the same mama….my Ex-wife!!!

Raqi….glad you recognize your part in it…..

By Della

August 3, 2006 12:45 PM | Link to this

@Blue That is when I was living with my mother. For any child living with his mother/father - every person you bring into your life, into your home affects your child as well.

Even when I was living with my mother, I had no say in what she was going to do and with who but my mother let us know what was going on and allowed us to tell her how we were feeling. That did not mean because we did not like something she was not going to do it because in the end she is the mother. However, she did not dismiss us or make us feel insignificant.

By Foots

August 3, 2006 12:47 PM | Link to this

Hey BK. What is wrong with della’s statement? It’s true enough. Anyone that comes into the home does affect the child. Not that the child should be given free rein to make decisions about who comes in or out…but parents do have to be mindful about who they are bringing into their child’s life.

By Blue_Kolla

August 3, 2006 12:49 PM | Link to this

Della The fact is there are several ways to discipline a child and hauling him out of the bath tub should have be the last one.

Hahahahaha… I can only laugh at you, because lying and stealing are JUST the offenses that hauling his azz out of the tub should be reserved for. With views like that, you better hope that your kid doesn’t get caught up in somebody’s crib with his greasy mits on their shyt - he just might “get his back blowed out”.

And I don’t want to see you on the news whining and crying. Just take ya azz home and admit that YOU should’ve tapped dat azz. Danielle relax, I’ve found someone to wear the punk-azz parent badge.

By Raqi

August 3, 2006 12:52 PM | Link to this

2Can since you brought it up, I remember when it first dawned on me that I had 2 kids and was not married. Even though I had no control over what happened to my first husband…I had just settled in my mind that I couldn’t do this, I didn’t want to this and I was not going to this. My mother told me to go dig up my grave and jump in it and die, because that was the attitude that I had. I had to learn to suck it up and realize life goes on. Deal with it or die. I struggled for a while but it’s turning out pretty good (knock on wood).

By SeanJohnson

August 3, 2006 12:55 PM | Link to this

@ Crimson and Fyre…I am by no means up in arms about your view of not wanting to date anyone with kids…i was told this by females before and after i had my son..And what i tried to point out them that..With the divorce rate being high more than likely they would end up being a single mother than staying married at some point of time.They will received the same treatment then like the treatment they now give out People can date whom ever they choose to.. but just remember that everything comes full circle. And not to step only any stilletoes…and i am not directing this to you two…but if you dont have a man now..or can keep a man and you dont have ANY kids…how do you think you are going to be able to keep one if and when you do have kids?

By BOLD & BEAUTIFUL

August 3, 2006 12:58 PM | Link to this

@2 No, you didn’t strike a nerve. Just defending the mothers who happens to have more than one baby daddy. You make it seem like it’s a disgrace to the woman to have more than one baby daddy. I will admit, i do have 2 baby daddies, but it doesn’t make me feel less of a woman, it’s just a mistake i made in my immature days.

By Blue_Kolla

August 3, 2006 12:59 PM | Link to this

Foots Ya girl was talking about when she was dayum near grown, about to head off to college, and how moms listened to her about not marrying some dude. That just sounded crazy to me, how some 35+ y/o would take relationship advice from a 17 y/o. And y’all wonder why our society is so jacked up. Pleez.

And Della, Go see the sandman.

By Della

August 3, 2006 01:00 PM | Link to this

@Blue Please. His stepfather should not have hauled his a*s out of the bath tub.

I think far too often the first thing a person wants to do is bust a child upside the head. I bet if someone did a study right now they would find that the majority of people in jail were whipped all the time by their parents. I guess those whippings just were not effective.

Physical discipline does not always STOP the bad behavior regardless of how many times you “bust” his head open.

By danielle

August 3, 2006 01:03 PM | Link to this

Blue_Kolla What constitutes a punk-$# parent* Here is my list:

NOTE: THIS LIST CAN/WILL BE MODIFIED ALONG THE WAY

By Chi

August 3, 2006 01:05 PM | Link to this

Raqi

I fell you on that…I have 1 and I used to feel so helpless and sorry for myself. But you have to move on ….

I am happy you found someone that accepted you for the gifts that you carry ..some call em baggage but what they are is enhancements “they make you a better person” if you understand the responsibility being a parent requires….

By 2 Can Play That Game©

August 3, 2006 01:05 PM | Link to this

Raqi, that’s what’s up…cause not only did you realize that, and move on, but you found a partner, Mase (had to get that in there), who, from your many descriptions, can deal, and live with your situation….not many can, but that’s their choice….glad you found someone that could…..prior to having kids of my own, I wouldn’t do it…….now, damn near comes with the territory…at least in my age bracket…

By Della

August 3, 2006 01:08 PM | Link to this

@Blue I am through with you - talking to a brick wall is getting me no where fast. LOL.

But seriously are you reading what I am saying or interrupting what I am saying.

By 2 Can Play That Game©

August 3, 2006 01:12 PM | Link to this

No, Bold, not a disgrace at all……but realistically speaking, and I know you said you were married, so you’re an exception, but the percentage of dudes who’ll settle down with a really, ready made family, are smaller than those more willing to accept one B-Diddy…that’s all I’m sayin’…like y’all entering the batter’s box with one strike against you already……you can still hit a homer, just less opportunities to do so……

By FyreStarrter™

August 3, 2006 01:14 PM | Link to this

SeanJohnson To address your question, I have been doing the horizontal polka a LONG time sweetheart (even longer than I should have been reall, but at the time it seemed like a good idea) & I made a pledge a LONG time ago not to have any children until after I had been married to my husband for a MINIMUM of 3 years. I need more time to be with my mate & vice versa, to get to know him, to love him respect him & care for him. That way when the children finally DO come along, he will know that he is my heart of hearts & that we are a family, & not the typical husband out there by himself vs the wife & kids that so often is one of the root causes of todays divorces that you refer to. In plain english my MAN will remain thus, even after he becomes the Father, mentor, protector, & hero, to our children (can you tell I have a strong Father who is also a great husband yet?).

By jraw

August 3, 2006 01:14 PM | Link to this

@crimson/fyre I will say this again! I don’t care who you date. A man w/a child or without one. Again, do what makes you happy. What I am saying is you can never say never because you really don’t know what life may bring your way. Also to respond to crimson, what happens if you get married and divorced by age 36 and have a kid during that time. Will your views change? It probrably will.

By G

August 3, 2006 01:17 PM | Link to this

I’m kinda late in the discussion, but I think I get the point. As I have stated before, dating women with children is not a preference of mine. I also have a group of buddies who are single w/out children, that have the same preference. It’s not to say that mothers are bad daters or bad people, but you come with a package that can make dating a bit more complicated. We can agree that dating between childless singles is complicated enough.

By Kym aka Queen of the I dont give a Dayumn

August 3, 2006 01:17 PM | Link to this

Okay I had to take a commercial break for this statement Physical discipline does not always STOP the bad behavior regardless of how many times you “bust” his head open.

I said this last time and I will say it again, I beat my kid now so the police will not have to beat him later.

The folks in jail now may have had parents that were good as gold but they at some point made dumbazz choices and now are in jail living on my damn dime. So that idea that little Johnny shouldnt get whipped or he will turn into a serial killer and rob people is idiotic. As parents your only job is to lay a good foundation for your child and hope he builds on it a structure that is sound, if he decides to build a shack on that foundation doesnt mean the foundation wasnt strong just that he made some f-up choice along the way(we all do). So I am willing to bet you Ms. Della that there are some punkazzes in jail right now who came from great backgrounds no right from wrong parents whipped them and did their job to build the best foundation and little john decided to build a raggedy mess. Dont even try that blame the parent bullcrap.

By Tazzee

August 3, 2006 01:17 PM | Link to this

afternoon folks!

jraw you said “Sweetie, that’s kool w/me who you date as long as you are happy. Hopefully, you will get married and have kids and everything will be ok. But, If you don’t get married by 36 I know you will you change you view on the whole kid thing by then

I am 36 and my view has changed; from willing to date a man with children to not because as I’ve gotten older I realized that I really don’t like children. Mainly because of what’s been addressed today - some kids are too smart in the mouth and have opinions on matters that they shouldn’t. I will date a man with grown kids - but if the child is under 13 (the legal age when they can be left home alone), I’m not dealing with it.

And I have to agree with crimson when she said she has the power to determine whether she’ll end up being a single parent. The only way I’ll end up being a single parent is if my husband dies. No, wait - that won’t happen either because I am not having kids. I know my child wouldn’t have a smart mouth - but they would have friends that do and I don’t want to be the mean parent that won’t carpool or let the friends come over to play.

By G

August 3, 2006 01:18 PM | Link to this

I’m kinda late in the discussion, but I think I get the point. As I have stated before, dating women with children is not a preference of mine. I also have a group of buddies who are single w/out children, that have the same preference. It’s not to say that mothers are bad daters or bad people, but you come with a package that can make dating a bit more complicated. We can agree that dating between childless singles is complicated enough.

By Blue_Kolla

August 3, 2006 01:19 PM | Link to this

Della I think far too often the first thing a person wants to do is bust a child upside the head. I bet if someone did a study right now they would find that the majority of people in jail were whipped all the time by their parents.

See, you’re on both extremes of the issue. Some acts REQUIRE an azz whipping, most don’t. And the peeps in jail probably did whatever they wanted with no penalty to be paid. Dudes that got the judicious azz whoopin’s when needed are right here chatting with you, handling business on the daily.

By Tazzee

August 3, 2006 01:20 PM | Link to this

afternoon folks!

jraw you said “Sweetie, that’s kool w/me who you date as long as you are happy. Hopefully, you will get married and have kids and everything will be ok. But, If you don’t get married by 36 I know you will you change you view on the whole kid thing by then

I am 36 and my view has changed; from willing to date a man with children to not because as I’ve gotten older I realized that I really don’t like children. Mainly because of what’s been addressed today - some kids are too smart in the mouth and have opinions on matters that they shouldn’t. I will date a man with grown kids - but if the child is under 13 (the legal age when they can be left home alone), I’m not dealing with it.

And I have to agree with crimson when she said she has the power to determine whether she’ll end up being a single parent. The only way I’ll end up being a single parent is if my husband dies. No, wait - that won’t happen either because I am not having kids. I know my child wouldn’t have a smart mouth - but they would have friends that do and I don’t want to be the mean parent that won’t carpool or let the friends come over to play.

By crimson esq.

August 3, 2006 01:24 PM | Link to this

@*SeanJohnson * for one thing …I think we need to establish the fact that I am not giving anyone with a child poor treatment… so there aren’t any hurt feelings between the man with the child and me at the end of the day…there’s nothing wrong with friendship you know?

my toes aren’t stepped on at all… I have a very simple answer for you… I took myself out of the dating scene for a few years to focus on my education and my career.. unlike some people I knew that I wasn’t able to devote much of my time to a relationship and balance the early stages and demands of my profession…I’d rather be able to give a relationship the time and devotion that it requires than half way commit to it… when I feel that it is time for me to settle down and focus on that aspect of my life (husband/family) I will… but until then I have other priorities…

as for being able to “keep a man” I honestly don’t have any concerns in that regard… I know that I am a good woman and whomever I choose that will also choose me…will be satisfied…

By SeanJohnson

August 3, 2006 01:30 PM | Link to this

@ Fyre…and they live happily ever after…and the credits start rolling. I mean it sounds good..but why do women think the plan all of yall hve of how you want your life to be really turn out like a fairy tale? I have a question for you and Crimson …I know yall SAY yall dont date men with kids…but have a man with a child hit it lately? keep it real.

By G

August 3, 2006 01:31 PM | Link to this

I think that it’s just too easy for people to get a divorce in this country. Especially, if you have kids, there should be a mandatory law to keep you together until the child turns 18 (other than monatary child support). It’s like………”Oh, things just didn’t work out.” Couldn’t you have figured that ish out before you had kids? It’s even worse with the multiple offenders.

I would think no man would allow another man to enter a home and raise his children. Husband and wife need to suck it up, and stay together for the kids. JMO b/c I’ve never been married.

By crimson esq.

August 3, 2006 01:32 PM | Link to this

@ jraw.. I knew u were going to bring up that hypo… I was just waiting for you to take it there… bottom line I won’t be divorced at 36… I am practicing the doctrine of choosing carefully and wisely… I’m not walking down the aisle solely on the basis that I’m getting older and haven’t had the opportunity as yet… I know what I want and will not settle for less than that…

If my husband passes away and I become a single parent as a result…my focus will be on raising my children.. that’s just the way it is …

By Blue_Kolla

August 3, 2006 01:32 PM | Link to this

JRaw Why in the world are you arguing with these chicks that know every curb ball and trick that life is gonna throw at them? Man just throw ‘em the bugg and sit back and watch.

By Della

August 3, 2006 01:35 PM | Link to this

@Blue I have a cousin and this is no lie that was whipped every week when he was a child (by both his parents). Today he is headed down the wrong path, been arrested already and so on. Whipping did not solve anything in his case. His problem is that his mother babies him and gives him anything he wants.

There is always another solution. If a child is acting out (unless he is evil - there is always a reason why). When I was growing up I received whippings but my mother learned that it hurt more to take things aways from me and I mean really take things away from mean. Those shoes I loved so much, my TV, my games, my friends, my telephone. I am not talking about putting it in her room. My mom would take the stuff and put it in storage so I could not get to it.

Plus, when she said you were not going to get anything for Christmas or your birthday because you did such and such, she stuck by it.

There is always an alternative to whipping.

@Kym Hell in most cases you can blame the parent. Please read above. I think whipping is the “easy” way out for parents to say “hey I disciplined my child - I whipped his butt.” Okay, and.

By Tazzee

August 3, 2006 01:37 PM | Link to this

I finally figured out how all the double posting occurs - sorry about that folks. So for future reference, if you post and are left with a blank screen - do not refresh. With the janky posting on this site you have to start all over again to get back to this blogspot.

Anyway - the whole karma argument regarding dating folks with children is a bunch of crap. For you guys that espouse that theory (jraw/SeanJ) does that apply to other preferences? For instances if I say I won’t date someone that’s not financially secure, I need to be careful because one day I might look up and be bankrupt? Or you guys can definitely relate to this, if you won’t date a fat woman, you should never say never because one day you might look in the mirror and see Ruben Studdard staring back at you? That’s a YRB philosophy right there…

By SeanJohnson

August 3, 2006 01:41 PM | Link to this

@ Tazzee..I bet you sure dont mind swallowing….>)….just playing…please dont take offense…i couldnt resist that one. lmao

By Blue_Kolla

August 3, 2006 01:41 PM | Link to this

Crimson I am practicing the doctrine of choosing carefully and wisely

Up until that statement you were batting pretty close to .700 You can barely control your own actions, let alone those of someone else. The most that you can do is pray and hope that the fruits of your labor remain in season.

By FyreStarrter™

August 3, 2006 01:44 PM | Link to this

SeanJohnson Nah boo, I don’t even go that route either. If you have children (which I ask UP FRONT BEFORE I give you my #) I say thank you but no thank you & hope you find the happiness you & your children so richly deserve & keep it movin. PLUS speaking of which where’s runninatl? Fyre still has her chastity belt locked up tight.

G man I feel you on that mandatory 18 requirement, but some parents would KILL each other in the meantime (my Uncle & his ex-wife PERFECT example lol) leaving the children parentless!

Blue Sweetie, They are these words that seem a bit strange to you. Words like BIRTH CONTROL, CELIBACY, THERAPY (ha had to through that one in there!) What I am saying sweetheart is that I agree with Crimso n, there is ALOT in my life that I CAN & do control & my decision to not date men with children (notice I used to but will NOT do this anymore) nor my decision to have any children out of wedlock are just a FEW of those.

By Della

August 3, 2006 01:45 PM | Link to this

@Blue Also when my husband stole something, his mother made him go back to the store, apologize and start working for the man free until he paid him back. He was embarass so he did not steal anymore. However, his father “busted his head wide open.” To this day he remembered the embarassment and said that is what made him stop stealing.

Children become accustomed to the whippings. But embarrassment - whew. I remember when I did not make my bed one morning before school. I was at the bus stop with my friends and here comes my mother pulling me back to the house to make my bed. My friends laughed at me for a longtime but every morning I made my bed.

By Mega Man's Demi

August 3, 2006 01:46 PM | Link to this

Mega Blast!! Woman…what do you mean, you don’t know who the father of your child is! You only have one…You should’ve left one eye open, while you were on your back and getting tap into!

BOLD & BEAUTIFUL I thought about it doing lunch and you are correct! Heck, my 19months old son try to hit any woman, who’s not his momma, that comes within 3 feet of me. tap-tap, son you can’t be hitting every Ms.New booty before me. That is not right son…

By crimson esq.

August 3, 2006 01:48 PM | Link to this

@SeanJohnson First of all.. no one “hits” crimson… I don’t have promiscuous sex with anyone.. unless I’m in a committed relationship I won’t even entertain sharing myself in that way…. Secondly..there’s nothing wrong with being celibate brother man… it definitely keeps me out of conversations like these with potential suitors..

If you pay less attention to the body part that can get you in the most trouble and focus more on other things that can and will make more of a positive difference in your life & the life of others then you won’t have to worry about dealing with the sort of drama that’s continually being mentioned on this blog…

By jraw

August 3, 2006 01:48 PM | Link to this

@Blue

True Dat, It doesn’t make sense to debate with people that can’t even hear what I am saying. They are a talking like I am offended. I will just let life teach them a lesson on never saying never.

@crimson *@ jraw.. I knew u were going to bring up that hypo… I was just waiting for you to take it there… bottom line I won’t be divorced at 36… I am practicing the doctrine of choosing carefully and wisely… I’m not walking down the aisle solely on the basis that I’m getting older and haven’t had the opportunity as yet… I know what I want and will not settle for less than that…

If my husband passes away and I become a single parent as a result…my focus will be on raising my children.. that’s just the way it is … *

I am done with this one. Good Luck!

By crimson esq.

August 3, 2006 01:53 PM | Link to this

@ BK… if you don’t have control over your own actions then who does? I’m not trying to control anyone else…and I’m not responsible for what someone else opts to do.. you’re right all you can do is pray that things work out.. but I also believe that if God is at the head and center of the relationship/marriage.. .and you seek Him whenever issues arise.. you can overcome them together through His will.. I’m not getting preachy.. far from that..but that is just one of my beliefs…

By Blue_Kolla

August 3, 2006 01:54 PM | Link to this

Look here Della, I had told myself that my last post would be my last to you on this subject, so I guess I was mistaken. Reread what I said about extremes. Your cousin in confused by his parents and hasn’t learned a dayum thing.

There is always an alternative to whipping.

Rebuttal: Depending on the infraction, NO IT AIN’T.

I think whipping is the “easy” way out for parents to say “hey I disciplined my child - I whipped his butt.”

Rebuttal: And not whoopin’ azz is the “easy” way for some weak, insecure, need-to-be-loved, lonely azz individual to remain friends and buddies with their kids, instead of arming them with the experience of personal accountability for one’s actions.

And finally… keep ya goody-gumdrop bad azz kids outta my neighborhood!

By crimson esq.

August 3, 2006 01:58 PM | Link to this

@ jraw I don’t think you’re offended at all (that’s an assumption on your part)..let’s get that clear… however just as one hears what you’re saying it doesn’t mean that they should feel inclined to agree with you.. I respect your view..and ask that you show me the same respect… good luck in your quest as well..

life has already taught me many lessons.. we do not know of one another’s situations and struggles.. or triumph through those things… so lets not assume that experience through living hasn’t taught me anything…

By Deljah

August 3, 2006 01:58 PM | Link to this

LMAO at Ruben Studdard looking back!

By darkbuty

August 3, 2006 01:59 PM | Link to this

Okay, back from lunch and it appears that the topic is predicting the future and whether to date people with kids!!

As much as many would like to believe…probably 20% of what happens in your life is really up to you!! The best plans are dependent on other people falling in line….which is 100% out of your control!

Whether someone decides to date people who have or do not have kids…DO YOU! Those who don’t probably won’t make good step parents anyway if their hearts aren’t in it!

By abc

August 3, 2006 02:00 PM | Link to this

I was once nearly arrested because my teenager had told the cops that he thought I’d strike him when he came home. He way lying, too. The chick cop was dead set on taking my azz to jail, the guy cop talked her out of it. You should be aware that if you strike you child in any way and they report it to someone at school, or to a neighbor, or to the cops, you can be charged. I think that’s just dead wrong, but I learned first-hand that it’s the way it is.

By Della

August 3, 2006 02:00 PM | Link to this

@Blue Poor Blue with his rebuttals. So the only way a child can be armed with the “experience of personal accountability for his actions” is with a butt whipping.

Okay, right.

By Blue_Kolla

August 3, 2006 02:00 PM | Link to this

JRaw dapps See how I just looked off Fyre after what she just said? LOL

Now doing the same thing to Della. LOL

By aggressively witty

August 3, 2006 02:01 PM | Link to this

Ima tell yall like this. I love MWP and my stepson treeeeemendously. But now I am faced with the very real prospect of having a 13 year old stepkid and a 3 year old kid of my own (if we decide to have one this year) these are not good times people. As it stands we got 8 more years of child rearing and frankly, based on this experiment, I am MORE THAN good with that time frame. I know I joke n stuff, but I am on the same page as tazzee, by in large, I hate a kid.

Now none of the stuff that Wise posted has occured in my house and that is because this kid has been raised properly. But if he werent than me and her would not be. I cannot stand a smart mouthed, manipulative, punk azz, get everything in the world but still complain about what they dont have, dont know shyt but think they know it all, always hungry, always thirsty, attention deficit disordered kid. I hate em.

Despite the fact that my step is a cool kid there are just some things that I was not ready for or didnt anticipate.

1) his having any/all of the above mentioned kids as friends

2) the slick shyt that kids try to pull and think they invented some new hotness, meanwhile me and his momma combined did it way better and 10 times more often than he ever thought of

3) These wanna be thug kids that permeate society but live in the suburbs. I swear i wanna take all the kids in my sub division to play rec ball at gresham park or better yet, 14th and Clifton rec in DC

Man i could go on for days about a kid, but for real if you dating a person with a kid before you get married you better THINK and think HARD cause the shyt is trying…and I am writing all this after not having that kid in the house the entire summer.

By jraw

August 3, 2006 02:03 PM | Link to this

@TAZZEE Anyway - the whole karma argument regarding dating folks with children is a bunch of crap. For you guys that espouse that theory (jraw/SeanJ) does that apply to other preferences? For instances if I say I won’t date someone that’s not financially secure, I need to be careful because one day I might look up and be bankrupt? Or you guys can definitely relate to this, if you won’t date a fat woman, you should never say never because one day you might look in the mirror and see Ruben Studdard staring back at you? That’s a YRB philosophy right there…

Oh brother! Here we go! Come on MA. That is like comparing apples to oranges. You are grown enough to know that LOVE or a strong infatuation can change your perspective on anything. You feel me.

By STORM, craddle robber extraodinare

August 3, 2006 02:09 PM | Link to this

GOOD AFTERNOON ALL! I have nothing for this topic, as it is the chirren I’m dating!! LMAO

What up FYRE!

By DuShawn

August 3, 2006 02:09 PM | Link to this

@BlueI’m a have to disagree with you on the azz whooping theory of discipline. I have found that more creative negative reinforcement techniques are often more effective. Taking away privileges, extra chores and academic assignments hurt kids more than a momentary physical beating. I always used the azz whooping as a last resort. However, you do have to incorporate the severity of the infraction and the age/gender of the child into the equation.

By jraw

August 3, 2006 02:12 PM | Link to this

@Crimson

life has already taught me many lessons.. we do not know of one another’s situations and struggles.. or triumph through those things… so lets not assume that experience through living hasn’t taught me anything…

Life may have taught you many things, but you will learn thru experience many more things. How much can you really know at 26? I bet you learn more about life as time passes. That is inevitable.

By FyreStarrter™

August 3, 2006 02:14 PM | Link to this

hehehehehummm Cradle Robber lol Hey gyrl how’s it going?

agg I had to laugh more than once at your post because it’s sad, BUT TRUE lol

By Blue_Kolla

August 3, 2006 02:14 PM | Link to this

Agg and I am writing all this after not having that kid in the house the entire summer.

Now that’s some funny s**t… but str8 up real. I’ve already said that being a step-father is the hardest job in the world… and SeanJ threw “thankless” into the mix.

By SeanJohnson

August 3, 2006 02:17 PM | Link to this

@ Crimson…Dont think you are untouchable..My hobby use to be touching females such as yourself…and fyre..you too..Like i said earlier this week…I have a nack of touching females that claim they dont do certain things.

By Kym aka Queen of the I dont give a Dayumn

August 3, 2006 02:21 PM | Link to this

@Della I will be brief since Blue is too nice to say it this way I will. You have no children and other than the ability to run your yap all afternoon can not speak on the experience of raising a child. I think a previous person said it best how can a unmarried person tell someone how to be married, even more so than how can a person who’s only experience in having children or even dealing with them is done through books, and the experience of auntie eva on your cousin ray-ray side, and reruns of the Cosby show, tell somone who on a daily basis has to deal with a child and has been blessed and yes my dear to all those childless wonders who wish to shake your head and point fingers at single parents…I mean truly bless with the responsiblitity to raise a child, how in the sam hell can you give anyone any advice on if they should spank their child or not? If that sound that I heard is your mouth falling open then close it because your are beginning to show that you are truly lacking the ability to carry on this type of conversation.

By FyreStarrter™

August 3, 2006 02:23 PM | Link to this

SeanJohnson Boo many a roving toucher such as yourself have tried. For real, some of you just need to admit you have met your match & keep it movin’ lol! For me it’s been OVER 3 years already sweetheart.

By STORM, craddle robber extraodinare

August 3, 2006 02:24 PM | Link to this

teeheehee Fyre, it’s going. Things musta cooled off a bit for you, since you’re catching up on your mail! LOL

By Mega Man's Demi

August 3, 2006 02:25 PM | Link to this

Mega Blast!!

Whipping did not solve anything in his case. His problem is that his mother babies him and gives him anything he wants.

Babying a child + A$$ whipping = CONFUSION

By Della

August 3, 2006 02:25 PM | Link to this

@DuShawn I am saying Amen. I think you summed up in one post what I have been saying in 25 posts.

“creative negative reinforcement techniques are often more effective.”

Thank you. Whippings last about 5 to 10 minutes (kids know this parents - listen to their conversation with their friends and you will hear things such as “oh she is just going to yell or oh I just going to get a whipping.”

Now taking away priviledges, extra chores and so on, that can last much longer but it usually the parent who can not hold out and that sends a bad message to the child (he starts to say, oh she took my video games for a month but I will have them back in a week).

And that is when the child starts to think he can get over and does not learn that there are consequences to his actions.

And what gets me is when they child has mad attitude and the parent says “I can not do anything with her,” yet the parent still goes out and buys the child a $200.00 outfit. Okay, why?

By Blue_Kolla

August 3, 2006 02:26 PM | Link to this

DuShawn/Della That’s what I meant when I said “judicious”. I talk to my kid ALL of the time. I “tags” azz and “whoops” azz but I don’t “bust”. My kid is transitioning from healthy fear driven to respect driven and I figure that in 4 to 5 I won’t need to touch him at all. By that time the azz whooping will be and Emergency Glass (citing Demi) Tool. And that’s because I’m laying that solid foundation now, early on in his life. So hey, everyone has his/her opinion. I just hope that your method works for you, and if not keep ya hooligan out of my neighborhood…

By THE INFAMOUS DK

August 3, 2006 02:29 PM | Link to this

I’m just saying if you have kids things will change.. Never say what you wont do because I thought if I ever walked downt he aisle I would never be divorced come h3ll or highwater we were going to make it work. Life has a way of showing you things and teaching you lessons you wont learn until you experience them..

Ladies you say you wont date a dude with children and speak of God and so forth.. What if God sends you the perfect Man for you with a child? I cant discount anyone like that anymore because I see a child is not baggage but as a blessing. My son changed my life profoundly and I thank GOD everyday that he sent me a beautiful baby boy, he filled the void I was missing concerning love for someone besides myself.

By FyreStarrter™

August 3, 2006 02:29 PM | Link to this

Cradle A little bit, am finally able to catch up on e-mails & paperwork! (AGGGH fun fun fun!!!)

By crimson esq.

August 3, 2006 02:33 PM | Link to this

@ fyre some things aren’t deserving of a response… if people feel the need to stroke their ego and flex their internet muscles let them….

By Blue_Kolla

August 3, 2006 02:33 PM | Link to this

Fyre For me it’s been OVER 3 years…

SeanJ Remember that time dude, that you said, “If it’s been 3 years, it’s gonna be good!” LMAO

By SeanJohnson

August 3, 2006 02:38 PM | Link to this

@ DK….thats real…i feel the same way..thats why when i hear people say that dont like or hate kids…I wonder do they really know what true happiness is or know the real purpose of life. All jokes aside..If i die today i know i have a son and part of me will still live on. Sorry to tell some of you this…but when some of yall die…well…yall will just be ..uhhmmm.DEAD.

By BOLD & BEAUTIFUL

August 3, 2006 02:42 PM | Link to this

@2 - Correction, no, i’m not married, but i am a mother of 2. I will agree with you the odds are slimmer for women in my catagory, but there are some strong men in the world today who are not afraid of a challenge.

By SeanJohnson

August 3, 2006 02:42 PM | Link to this

@BK…i will remember..if she is keeping it real…if i had a dollar for all the females say its been a while for them…But on the other hand..maybe why she faithfully hits the gym daily after work… trying to fill that void…

By FyreStarrter™

August 3, 2006 02:43 PM | Link to this

Infamous See GOD wouldn’t send the perfect man for me WITH Children. That is NOT my perfect man. ( to be fair perfection is not the ultimate goal & not saying that the man is not perfect for someone, JUST NOT ME) I know that people make mistakes & things happen, but I know me & I know that if I were to be in a relationship with a man who has children or even one children that I would NEVER be First in his eyes, As I SHOULD NOT be.

I agree with the person who said earlier that parents have to make sacrifices for the sake of their children & the decision to remain single while your children are still at home may just have to be one of those. I have 3 beautiful Goddaughters who GOD has given me the strength, love, & ability to help raise. I love them dearly & talk to them daily. Their Mum was VERY CLOSE to being a single Mom back in November. She & I talked exstensively about this & it was clear to her that had she gotten a divorce, the focus should be on raising her children until such time as they are older & can take care of themselves. TO be BLESSED to be a parent is to also be Blessed to make sacrifices that others do not have to make.

By Della

August 3, 2006 02:44 PM | Link to this

@Kym all I can say is you are talking out the side of your neck. People who are raising children (instead of rearing them) and doing a p**s poor job of it and fall back on whipping a child as the only alternative. Give me a break, just because you or I have a child does not mean we are an authority on rearing children. Bugg off with that nonsense.

By Mega Man's Demi

August 3, 2006 02:44 PM | Link to this

You should be aware that if you strike you child in any way and they report it to someone at school, or to a neighbor, or to the cops, you can be charged. I think that’s just dead wrong, but I learned first-hand that it’s the way it is.

Yep and the state can have him! I will have his clothes pack and sitting on the curb. And Yes, Alvin will give up all right to and for the child….

By THE INFAMOUS DK

August 3, 2006 02:44 PM | Link to this

SJ My hobby use to be touching females such as yourself…and fyre..you too Speak on it..

Fyre I hear ya Bumpin ya GUMS but you just havent met your match yet.. I know how to do it to a woman without laying a finger on her.. I believe in Mind sex way before you get to ride the scream machine.. Mind Sex ala Dead Prez

Crimson Lets have this same conversation when you get 30 and you feel your biological clock is tickin.. As for the rest of these over the hill Babes that have settled for the fact that they wont be having kids dont listen to them.. They’ll have a house full of cats for its over..

By gnat

August 3, 2006 02:45 PM | Link to this

Let’s face it folks, kids are always going to try to run the show. It’s all about how the parents react to their shenanigans. My son is respectful of other adults but will try me from time to time. I have to deal with that in a consistant manner. A child really can’t have too many people in their corner, it’s a tough world out there and they need all the help they can get. It’s ok to be friends with your SO’s child but keep in mind that if they bring their child into your life early in the relationship that you are not the first to come and go. I have been divorced for almost five years and have dated a few men. My son has met a couple of them but not as my dates. He has met them because they are friends of friends or members of our church etc. He didn’t even know that I was dating them. This does give them the opportunity to establish a relationship without having to worry that this person is going to move in their house and take away their parent. Most children act worse with their own parents then they do with other people so if your SO’s child is giving you a little flack (sp?) maybe it shows that they are comfortable enough with you to trust you not to kill them. I’m sure everyone on here gave their parents some lip at one time or the other, just try to remember what it was like to be a child or a teenager and keep in mind that children do have stress. On the subject of the jealous ex, maybe the SO just needs some support from you to stand up to him/her. He shouldn’t be allowed to have any impact on your relationship, after all, he is an ex for a reason. The one thing that I think is most important to remember is to not rush anything. Don’t move anyone into your house without being married (the ultimate commitment) and take plenty of time to get to know the person who will be living with your kids. Good Luck, from a sometimes dating, struggling with all these issues, single mom.

By hadtoask

August 3, 2006 02:46 PM | Link to this

funny Lah Lah hasnt posted today considering the topic.

By Blue_Kolla

August 3, 2006 02:48 PM | Link to this

Yo SeanJ Don’t worry about it hustla, because the last time that we had this convo, I couldn’t believe how many chicks n here were talking that yang… So I stepped over to the Fraud Patrol and picked up a handy little device called a dyckometer. Now this handy little device is able to detect the presence of Dyck Johnson going back 5 years, and will glow a bright REDD if any has been detected.

*Now looking around to see which females have the worried look on their faces.

By FyreStarrter™

August 3, 2006 02:52 PM | Link to this

Infamous I’m not 30 yet luv, so OTH doesn’t apply lol. BUT for real like I told SJ, roving touchers such as yourself have tried & please believe YOU ARE NOT DEALING WITH A DAYUM rookie! Like I tell my teenage nieces these days I will be DAYUM if you think the mess you are doing is new or fooling ANYONE!

SJ Trust sweetheart, I am keeping it real luv. There are so many reasons to WAIT now that I am older & have been there & done all that stuff…List could wallpaper the Great Wall of China!

By crimson esq.

August 3, 2006 02:52 PM | Link to this

a child is a blessing… I definitely do not see them as a burden or unnecessary baggage.. that isn’t my point…and I sincerely hope that none of you think that because I opt not to date a man with child that I am pointing fingers and looking down at you…that is sheer foolishness as everyone has a right to do what they do.. again much respect is given to those that are raising their children well..

By Kym aka Queen of the I dont give a Dayumn

August 3, 2006 02:54 PM | Link to this

Della you are the one who needs to cutt the nonsense with that crap about folks in jail all got beatings based on the crappy way your auntie blah blah raised her son, who are you to give out parenting advice. Oh and for the record you will not be finding my child breaking in any homes anytime soon. Because I am laying a excellent foundation right now for him to build on. However if I were you I would be saving for bail money because with your wishy washy ideas and following the popular opinion trying to fit in on this blog I am sure your future child or children will need it. Hopefully by then my son will have invented a cure for dumbazz diease.

By jraw

August 3, 2006 02:55 PM | Link to this

@DK good post! That’s pretty much what I was saying in a nutshell.

By THE INFAMOUS DK

August 3, 2006 02:57 PM | Link to this

Fyre You never know what GOD is going to send you.. Thats the problem now days to busy saying what you wouldnt deal with and dont even know what you will deal with.. I say dont make general statements like that cause time has a way of making us all liars.. My Grandma also told me to just keep on living and that tune you sing now will turn to a hum and then nothing at all..

By frank123

August 3, 2006 02:57 PM | Link to this

I dated a woman with a 10 year old kid. It was a little difficult since the child would not talk to me. It was actually more difficult meeting the ex-husband. Anyway, she moved away to SF and solved my problem.

By NCgirlfromATL

August 3, 2006 02:59 PM | Link to this

I haven’t had time to read all of the posts, so if someone has already said this, my apologies.

Frankly, it all comes down to home training. If the parent hasn’t taught any, then it’s likely they don’t have any themselves. My experience has been if the kids don’t have any boundaries, the parents don’t either, which is not a good sign for any relationship we might have.

By Blue_Kolla

August 3, 2006 02:59 PM | Link to this

LMAO @ hadto Now that’s funny. Maybe she’s actually putting in some work.

By danielle

August 3, 2006 02:59 PM | Link to this

From the words of Nelly It’s gettin hot in here

By G

August 3, 2006 03:05 PM | Link to this

Here’s a bright idea……….Why don’t singles with kids date each other, and singles w/out kids date? Segregate the masses. Why cross the line p**s in the pool? That way, you at least have kids in common to discuss, and the true singles don’t have to worry about baby-sitters, kid corruption, and baby mama/daddy drama. Why go through the trouble to put yourself in position to have drama?

By SeanJohnson

August 3, 2006 03:06 PM | Link to this

@ DK..thats what i have been trying to get in their think skulls all day…I am not the one to call anyone a fool or foolish..but the opposite of being wise is to be a fool…

By STORM, craddle robber extraodinare

August 3, 2006 03:07 PM | Link to this

WE NEED MUSING’S NECK SEWING BOOTH AGAIN!! Dang!

Now this handy little device is able to detect the presence of Dyck Johnson going back 5 years, and will glow a bright REDD if any has been detected.

BK I’m ROTFLMMFAO!!

By A Hit Dog will Holler

August 3, 2006 03:08 PM | Link to this

Man it’s some folks on here really think they know what they’re talking about

Where is CandidlySpeaking today? I really enjoy reading them & 2

By FyreStarrter™

August 3, 2006 03:08 PM | Link to this

Infamous Not making a general statement sweetheart, making a realistic one. I just know me & that is NOT in his plan for me. Been there done that blah blah blah.

NCgirlfromATL See now that is SO true. Good indicator, want to get an idea of the type of partner you are truly dating, LOOK AT THEIR KIDS!

Danielle YES, it IS isn’t it? LOL

By A Hit Dog will Holler

August 3, 2006 03:09 PM | Link to this

Man it’s some folks on here really think they know what they’re talking about

Where is CandidlySpeaking today? I really enjoy reading them & 2

By hadtoask

August 3, 2006 03:11 PM | Link to this

I am a woman but I have to say that sometimes it bothers me to read smugness of some of these women. It wouldnt hurt to use some humility or have some humility regarding yourselves. I’m just saying…

By THE INFAMOUS DK

August 3, 2006 03:12 PM | Link to this

And for all of you who claim to be paying the bills for that child in your home.. What about the father sending that child support over? Or giving the Moma that extra when the ends aint meeting at YOUR house? I tell ya its a sticky situation but I say let that childs father and mother do the whipping cause it will keep down confusion.. I also have never spanked my child and dont think I ever will so what gives a live-in the right to?

By Mega Man's Demi

August 3, 2006 03:13 PM | Link to this

My son changed my life profoundly and I thank GOD everyday that he sent me a beautiful baby boy, he filled the void I was missing concerning love for someone besides myself.

I agree, my son soften me a lot…

By FyreStarrter™

August 3, 2006 03:14 PM | Link to this

Cradle You are a mess gyrl AND YES we do need Musing’s Neck sewing booth! speaking of which…..

Blue the Dyck Johnson is cute, but since you have built it to detect back 5 years, I believe that’s 99% of the women on this blog. How is that for a statistically flawed sample?

By Redd

August 3, 2006 03:16 PM | Link to this

Dyck Johnson, who or what is that?

By THE INFAMOUS DK

August 3, 2006 03:17 PM | Link to this

Fyre Ok youre a prophet now and can see the future.. Just remember this conversation you had in 2006 about 2012 or so.. You’ll be happy he has only 1 child instead of 5..

By kr_fstr

August 3, 2006 03:17 PM | Link to this

I have a question for Fyre…since you don’t date men with children because you want to be “first” and most important to him, what’s going to happen when you get married and have children with your husband? Do you think that if you do it this way, you will remain “first” and the children will be less important than you?

By FyreStarrter™

August 3, 2006 03:21 PM | Link to this

hadtoask humility in what situation sweetheart?

Infamous See that’s just ANOTHER reason why I do not date men with children. We are in a committed relationship & living together (shortly before that walk down the aisle-for me anyway) & you tell me that when you child gets out of line & you are NOT around that I cannot tap that a$$??? OH H3LL NO! Again it’s about similar styles of discipline & if yours & mine are different then guess what, our differences will NOT stop there.

By crimson esq.

August 3, 2006 03:21 PM | Link to this

LOL @ biological clock… I swear you guys are cracking me up today.. so I’m the poor young one that doesn’t truly know what I want..but my views will change in a few years…

Gotcha…

As I said earlier..for some of us marriage/relationships are not at the top of our list of priorities right now… and my age is not going to dictate when I should get married..or if I should change my views to settle for less than what I desire…

and I sincerely hope that 4 yrs from now you guys aren’t on this blog having the same conversations…

By THE INFAMOUS DK

August 3, 2006 03:22 PM | Link to this

Crimson I wouldnt date anyone who didnt want to be with me because I have a child so its cool because its plenty of women who will.. I just say dont close all of your options off because once you hit 30 things will change.. Trust me..

Fyre I knew you werent 30 by your conversation Babe, you didnt even have to put that out there its written all over the page..

By Cee

August 3, 2006 03:26 PM | Link to this

@ G- sounds like a good idea but that sounds just like a bigot saying we should not date outside our race.

By kr_fstr

August 3, 2006 03:27 PM | Link to this

@ Fyre..just asking, so don’t get offended. I am not against you saying you won’t date a man with children, because I used to say the same thing. But we all have our standards and that’s fine. But this whole being “first” thing puzzles me. This is not a competition. And with that mindset, I think you are going to be end up being very disappointed. Even if the man doesn’t have children, what about his mother, his siblings, the rest of his family? I think it all depends on the KIND of person you choose, not whether they have children or not. Because a child-less man could still put his entire family before you sweetheart. So watch out….

By Tazzee

August 3, 2006 03:28 PM | Link to this

DK I know some will take this as one of the ‘hit dog will hollar’ responses, but since I’m the only one on here that has stated she is over 30 with no kids I felt the compelled to reply to your ‘over the hill babes’ comment. Its not that I had to settle with the fact that I won’t be having kids. I can still have kids if I want to, shoot I have actually NOT dated men with no children because they wanted children too bad. So every woman over 30 that doesn’t want children isn’t just saying that because they think they’ll never have children. I don’t want children because I am too selfish to have a child. I enjoy my life and when I get married I want to enjoy my husband. That is why I’m willing to date a man with older children.

I want lazy Saturday mornings without the pitter patter of little feet bursting in the room crying ‘Mommy, I’m hungry’. I want to travel all over the world with my husband without having to bring children or find a babysitter. I want to be able to make love all over the house without being worried that the kids will walk in. And I’d must rather mount a pole in that extra room than make it into a nursery.

On the children being a blessing - all I have to say is one man’s blessing is another one’s baggage…

And yes, I do love the Lord and I am a Christian.

By FyreStarrter™

August 3, 2006 03:29 PM | Link to this

kr_fstr I have already addressed this so I will just copy & paste what I wrote EARLIER today.

**August 3, 2006 01:14 PM | Link to this

SeanJohnson To address your question, I have been doing the horizontal polka a LONG time sweetheart (even longer than I should have been reall, but at the time it seemed like a good idea) & I made a pledge a LONG time ago not to have any children until after I had been married to my husband for a MINIMUM of 3 years. I need more time to be with my mate & vice versa, to get to know him, to love him respect him & care for him. That way when the children finally DO come along, he will know that he is my heart of hearts & that we are a family, & not the typical husband out there by himself vs the wife & kids that so often is one of the root causes of todays divorces that you refer to. In plain english my MAN will remain thus, even after he becomes the Father, mentor, protector, & hero, to our children (can you tell I have a strong Father who is also a great husband yet?). **

Once I do get married & my husband & I make the decision together to have children, will I no longer be “first” in my husbands’ eyes & vice versa? NO. There are too many couples now that are in the midst of a nasty divorce & the children who are suffering through the entire ordeal because they didn’t THINK first. They did not take the REAL time it takes to get to know each other.

See kr, I already have VERY SOLID views on this subject. & I waivered from them early in young adulthood & as a result MADE far too many career altering/ life changing mistakes that set me back AT LEAST 5 years. So I have been there already & know it is CLEARLY NOT for me.

By stressed

August 3, 2006 03:29 PM | Link to this

Good afternoon. I am currently in a relationship with a single father (since the age of 17)who as two children with attitudes and problems I just can’t write about. Stress is the only word that comes to mind. He and I are madly in love, however the kids make it almost unbareable. So the ultimate choice… stay with the man I love or leave because of the kids.

By kr_fstr

August 3, 2006 03:29 PM | Link to this

Damn Fyre I keep refreshing and reading your comments and I’m shaking my head. Please stop making the women under the age of 30 look bad. I am mature beyond my years and I thank God for that.

By crimson esq.

August 3, 2006 03:30 PM | Link to this

DK I said earlier that there are plenty of women that will date men that have children and vice versa…I am a firm believer that there is someone out there for everyone…

By hadtoask

August 3, 2006 03:30 PM | Link to this

In how you perceive yourselves.

By THE INFAMOUS DK

August 3, 2006 03:32 PM | Link to this

Fyre I just bring it from all angles of being an adult.. Whipping a childs a$$ doesnt make that child do better or make them respect you more.. I tell you what have some Kids and then talk to me, until then Mute yourself cause I’m starting smell the Boo boo coming out ya a$$..

Crimson Say what you will but keep living..

By 2 Can Play That Game©

August 3, 2006 03:34 PM | Link to this

Hit Dog…..you cain’t tell some of these folks nuttin…..so you just let ‘em revel in their own ignorance……

too busy with my research project, now….btw, AJC, y’all ain’t gotta sponsor my research, one ‘o y’all competitors already said they want the results, and willin to pay boo-coo bucks……anybody else heard the ads on 95.5 fm, sponsored by this blog???….still don’t think y’all on stage makin somebody rich?

By FyreStarrter™

August 3, 2006 03:36 PM | Link to this

I guess I should be the one to ask this question… WTF came up with this biological clock mess & CAN IT PLEASE go back the h3ll where it came from. You can be childless & happy at ANY AGE. It’s all up to you in how you handle the situation. And for the benefit of those of you who think by the statements I make that I am looking down on Single Mothers, on the contrary, having been friends with SEVERAL, I know just how hard it is to give your children the good life that they are entitled to while keeping your sanity & LIVING your life. That is why I chose to do everything in my power to AVOID that scenario for myself. You are blessed with what you have, please believe I & the other single childless women on this blog know that. But that blessing is NOT for everyone. People’s seasons arrive at DIFFERENT times.

By kr_fstr

August 3, 2006 03:36 PM | Link to this

Is there anybody on this blog who is in med school or already a doctor? Because they might have to help SURGICALLY REMOVE Fyre’s foot out of her mouth in a couple years. I never said what I will never do because you NEVER know what your future holds or what God’s plan is for you. God knows what your future holds…NOT you. But you know what…for somebody as honary as you Fyre I hope whatever his plan is revolves around “YOU” because it seems like that is all you are interested in.

By SeanJohnson

August 3, 2006 03:36 PM | Link to this

@ BK.and DK..scroll up to my 1:41 comment..ya boy called it.

By THE INFAMOUS DK

August 3, 2006 03:37 PM | Link to this

Tazzee I hear ya.. I didnt want children either but now i wouldnt change it for the world..

By FyreStarrter™

August 3, 2006 03:38 PM | Link to this

kr_fstr funny I dated a dude recently that put his family before me ALL THE DAYUM time. Please believe that is why he is past tense. I think you have me wrong, but it’s ok alot of people do at first. When I get married it will be about ME & MY MAN for YEARS to come. The rest, is just a bonus.

By Mega Man's Demi

August 3, 2006 03:39 PM | Link to this

Mega Blast!!

Storm Because of y’all sexy & mature sistas, us young bucks are running wild…shame to it all!…had us doing those N-A-S-T-Y things! LOL

By Tazzee

August 3, 2006 03:40 PM | Link to this

jraw it looks like one of my comments got lost in the sauce. But in response to your 2:03pm comment to me, I am not talking about the ‘never say never’ because you might just fall in love with a person with children. I am talking about the philosophy that you might just end up being single with children.

I would agree that it is possible I could slip up and fall in love with a man that has small children - but that would only happen if we started out as friends. Because when a guy approaches me with romantic intentions I usually find out before love taps me on the heart whether he has small children or wants to have a kid. If the answer is yes, then I say ‘thanks but no thanks’

And even on the friend side - if a guy with kids that I’ve met casually and starts hanging out with as friend decides to pursue me, he’s asking for trouble. Because anyone that knows me, knows I don’t care to spend an extended amount of time with children. No more than a few hours mentoring or a weekend here or there with my niece or nephews.

By tina

August 3, 2006 03:43 PM | Link to this

Raqi I disagree with you on the part that says don’t try to be the parent. Reason being if you and that person are serious and get married one day, that child will have to listen to you. The other parent might not be around sometimes, and if the kid get out of line you are not going to wait for he/she to come home and discipline the child. Being a step parent or real parent it’s your responsibility to take care of the child. It’s up to the parent to sit the child down and let them know that you are going to be a part of their life from now on and they will have to obey and respect you. If that parent can’t do that then it’s highly likely it’s not going to work. Just my opinion.

By FyreStarrter™

August 3, 2006 03:44 PM | Link to this

Infamous I can assure you luv that the 2 times in my life that my Father ever felt the need to whip me with blackie TRUST I remember those times above all else. & just because I don’t have any children of my own doesn’t mean I have not had my hand in raising quite a few. On the contrary, but you couldn’t even begin to know that. As for that boo boo you smell..you might want to grab some baby wipes & discreetly step out & take care of that ok sweetie ( I pray you did NOT wear the white linen pants today)?

By darkbuty

August 3, 2006 03:44 PM | Link to this

Tazzee

*On the children being a blessing - all I have to say is one man’s blessing is another one’s baggage…

And yes, I do love the Lord and I am a Christian.*

That is soooo NOT a Christian thing to say!! If God blessed you and you considered it a baggage/burden…you just may stop the flowing of more blessings! God doesn’t like an unappreciative heart!

By G

August 3, 2006 03:46 PM | Link to this

LOL@Cee…….Yeah, just call me the Archie Bunker of Babyma dating. I’m not totally exlcuding babymas, I just have a strong preference for women w/out children. I have friends that a babymas.

If I get along with two women equally well, I’m choosing the one without kids first.

By THE INFAMOUS DK

August 3, 2006 03:48 PM | Link to this

Fyre You speak of these things like you know what the future holds for you.. You have no way of knowing what the future holds for you, so live life for what it is and not the preconceived notions you have fo have of life… You can only hope for these things at best.. Youre invincble now and know it all but you will soon see that this thing is way bigger than you and what you think..

By Jazzyone

August 3, 2006 03:48 PM | Link to this

Everyone has thier own view and reality and all you can do is live yours and make sure you are doing you, when that happens you don’t have time to throw shade on anyone else and thier reality. Oh Gee what a concept.

By FyreStarrter™

August 3, 2006 03:49 PM | Link to this

kr_fstr Until such time as GOD sees fit to change my stripes, I WEAR THEM. So if that means right now that I focus on me because that is all I have to focus on, then so be it. But I do know this, I know who I am & who I am NOT. I know what I want & what I do NOT WANT. & I know that GOD does NOT punish. He teaches. So to send me into a situation that he knows I clearly DO NOT WANT, is true punishment & serves no purpose.

By darkbuty

August 3, 2006 03:50 PM | Link to this

I am over 30….and do NOT have any kids. I used to feel that I was too selfish to date a man with kids. But when I met my current BF he was everything that I sought in a man. He’s compassionate, intelligent, funny, successful, and a Christian.

The problem that self professed Christians have is that they want to dictate how God will bless them. God is NOT interested in YOUR FINE details. You were put here as a servant…so don’t get it confused…..you can make your requests known to him…then wait on HIS answers. If you reject HIS blessings…that’s cool…that’s why He gave us free will! But live with the consequences because we cannot put God inside our little box of desires!!

By no means did I settle….I could run off the list of accomplishments for my man…but then I would be bragging!!
And I’m just dying too!!!

By kr_fstr

August 3, 2006 03:51 PM | Link to this

Fyre GIRL I’m glad you know SO much!! Just be intelligent enough to know that life is not always the way you plan it. But that doesn’t mean that you can’t be happy. If you don’t want a man with children, please, by no means should you date one. But just don’t be a know-it-all and tell people exactly how your future is going to pan out. You don’t want to have to eat those words if it turns out differently, or if you change your mind. Like you, I made a lot of mistakes too in my early adulthood, but instead of blaming it on someone else because they had kids or because they abused me or because they decided to break the law, I blamed myself for choosing the wrong person. I did not ex out an entire group of people because of the mistake I MADE. But to each his own. That three year minimum after marriage before children is something my mother has been telling me since I was a teenager. My sister tried it, but the birth control didn’t work so well one month and she ended up pregnant two years after being married. It happens. She did all she could do to make sure she didn’t get pregnant, but it happened. So in that case, what you do with the baby is your own moral decision, but my sister decided to keep hers, regardless of what my mother would say. So whether you would abort your child, because you have not reached that three-year minimum, I don’t know. But I do know that we do not have ultimate control over our futures.

By FyreStarrter™

August 3, 2006 03:53 PM | Link to this

Jazzyone a concept nonetheless that people just do not seem to GET!

By Cee

August 3, 2006 03:54 PM | Link to this

G- Where’s Edith? LOL…..

By danielle

August 3, 2006 03:55 PM | Link to this

Let’s just sum this whole blog up to these few points:

By DuShawn

August 3, 2006 03:55 PM | Link to this

I think all children are a blessing, including stepchildren. I had the opportunity to help raise this little boy for 6 years (11 thru 17). This little shorty was a hand full. I was the one that taught him multiplication tables, fractions and algebra. When he got kicked out of the public school system for fighting repeatedly, I was the one in front of the school board tribunal pleading his case for another chance. When he got caught stealing from Wal Mart, I was the one that got him out of jail. When he had a sickle cell crisis, I was at his bedside. I was the one that forced him to do research on W.E.B. DuBois , Marcus Garvey, and other influential people of color. When he and his little homeboys tried to sneak of in my Chevy and go for a joy ride, I was also the one that beat his azz down. Now, he’s a 19 year old young man and lives with his biological father. He calls me periodically to say what’s up. His voice has changed and he has matured both mentally and physically. He often expresses his gratitude for everything I did for him. He’s grateful for all the life lessons and real talks I gave him. He realizes how hard I tried to guide him around the pitfalls that await young black men that make poor decisions. Whenever I’m in Miami, he goes out of his way to make sure we get together before I leave. For me, it’s a joy to see the type of man he is developing into. It makes me proud to know I had a little something to do with that.

By BOLD & BEAUTIFUL

August 3, 2006 03:56 PM | Link to this

@Tina - I agree with you. When my ex remarried, me and his present wife talked, and i told her when my child is in your care i hold you responsible, if she get’s out of line you have the right to discipline her as long as you don’t abuse her and she’s not walking around with brusies it alright with me and i told my child, in no means are you to disrepect her, you are to listen and obey, if there’s a problem come to me and let me handle it, not you, you are a child.

By Jazzyone

August 3, 2006 03:59 PM | Link to this

Ive been guilty of it myself when I first started blogging, then stepped back and saw this blog for what it really is no more or less just what it is. Found out some of the things that go on behind the scenes and realized its all entertainment and nothing more and a great way to chat with people and possibly see another view of things and thats about it. anyway off my soap box..ya’ll be eazy.

By Foots

August 3, 2006 04:02 PM | Link to this

Hey y’all, we are stuck in the weeds! I agree that you should “never say never”, but people have the right to date whoever they “prefer”. It takes a lot of patience to wait on the situation you desire the most; if they want to wait for the situation they’d be happiest with, that’s a good thing. There is somebody for everybody, whether you are 26, 46, or 66. Let them choose the best situation for them without criticism.

By FyreStarrter™

August 3, 2006 04:03 PM | Link to this

kr_fstr The only mistake I made was NOt listening to my instincts way back when. I am listening to them now. So I am AVOIDING the scenarios that I got into trouble with back then. And no here is conceeding that we have ULTIMATE control over our futures. What I am saying is that I WILL control to the best of my ability the things I CAN control. Hence, the birth control (DOUBLE ask me how), the Celibacy I practice, AND the therapy/Counseling Sessions that my true Soulmate & I will be going through before AND after we make the decision to walk down that aisle. What I am trying to get you to understand is that more often than not proper planning DOES THE JOB is was intended to do.

By FyreStarrter™

August 3, 2006 04:07 PM | Link to this

Tina I agree with you as well. I must have some input. If you are in my home, in my care, then there are rules you WILL adhere to. And if your parent & I disagree on that then we it is NOT in the cards for us to have a future together.

By darkbuty

August 3, 2006 04:08 PM | Link to this

Everybody be cool…I’m out….really!

By kr_fstr

August 3, 2006 04:08 PM | Link to this

Darkbuty Our situations are similar. Well said. Don’t be afraid to brag on your man. So many people focus on the negatives about men, so why not let people know that there are some good ones out there. I’m not afraid to brag on mine…Not only is he successful and a great and loving father, he is loving to me, compassionate, family-oriented, funny, Christian, he fits in with my family, down-to-earth, mature, hard-working, he cooks AND cleans and does not leave the responsibility of maintaining our house to me. He is patient, a great communicator, willing to compromise and will do whatever it takes to make me happy. The list goes on… I just hope and pray that our relationshp continues to grow and that we are together for a long time.

By Kym aka Queen of the I dont give a Dayumn

August 3, 2006 04:09 PM | Link to this

@Jazzy and Fyre I dont have a problem with everyone living like they want to. I dont date men in the military my preference. Some people dont date people with kids their preference. But I am not about to get on here and give advice to a military spouse because one I didnt marry the dude I dated and the experience was enough that I am grateful I didnt. An the same applies to those who have no children unless you walk the walk, all you are and will be is an observer on the outside looking in..I dont care how many children you assisted with, help out, or took care of. It is the parent of that child that fights the good fight and does the job. Like it or Lump it. What is that saying the guys have “Know your role” your role as the “single free to be me” so play that role, and stop trying to tell someone else how to play their role.

By Tazzee

August 3, 2006 04:10 PM | Link to this

darkbuty if God blessed me with a child, that would be my blessing - but another man’s child is my baggage. That is what I’m saying. Trust me, if I messed up and got pregnant abortion would not even enter my mind. If something happened to one of my best friends and she wanted me to take care of her child, I would do it. And those that have been blogging with me since the beginning know that during most of 2004 I was a single parent because I was taking care of my nephew by myself.

So I really think you misinterpreted what I was trying to say.

By Raqi

August 3, 2006 04:10 PM | Link to this

Bold and Tina for me there is a huge difference in JUST DATING and being in a relationship or marriage. This blog is predominantly about JUST DATING and that is how responded, with a just dating perspective. Not a committed relationship or marriage, but this is how I feel it should be when you are just dating.

By STORM, cradle robber extraodinare

August 3, 2006 04:10 PM | Link to this

Demi, it’s not my fault! Mama said guys my age want younger women, so I’m left with the young fellas. Besides, yall won’t leave a sista alone! What’s a girl to do? LMAO

now browsing crowd for next pyt… umh,umh,umh!

FYRE I’ve corrected my name now. Thanks for the hint!

By BOLD & BEAUTIFUL

August 3, 2006 04:11 PM | Link to this

One thing we have to remember, LIFE is a TEACHER, need i say more?

By abc

August 3, 2006 04:13 PM | Link to this

Dang, Fyre, you’re planning couples therapy and counseling before you even meet the dude? …I suppose a suitor who wouldn’t be ran off by that prospect might be a real potential…

By aggressively witty

August 3, 2006 04:14 PM | Link to this

Fyree it seems to me that you are treading on dangerous territory with whoever your potential mate could be because of the nature of the words you used “I WILL control…things I can control” and listed in that were the therapy/counseling you and your mate will attend. You are already setting dude up for some shyt he may not want to do. I guess though you will wait it out until you find a dude that will be happy to go to counseling with you. But that begs the question, if he is so far into you that he gives in on that, is counseling really needed? Wouldnt you all have reached a state of peace in the ‘lationship?

By DuShawn

August 3, 2006 04:14 PM | Link to this

@Kr_fstr Sounds like you’re married to me….

By FyreStarrter™

August 3, 2006 04:15 PM | Link to this

I dont believe I gave anyone ANY advice on how to live their lives or raise their children. How you raise your children is up to you & a direct reflection of you. Do You & all will be well.

By Mega Man's Demi

August 3, 2006 04:17 PM | Link to this

And what’s wrong with women choosing not to have kids or dating someone with kids? As many bay-bays’n’ray-rays we have laying around

By Foots

August 3, 2006 04:17 PM | Link to this

kr Dang girl, does he have a brother?!? j/k (not really…) LOL!!

By Mega Man's Demi

August 3, 2006 04:20 PM | Link to this

Because a child-less man could still put his entire family before you sweetheart. So watch out….

You dayum right!!!!

By QC

August 3, 2006 04:20 PM | Link to this

Storm your new name is hilarious…but very very true i’m sure have a nice evening y’all

By kr_fstr

August 3, 2006 04:20 PM | Link to this

Fyre I have to read your blog entries twice before I can really even understand what H8LL you are saying. The whole “celibacy” statement is totally irrelevant, because I was referring to birth control AFTER marriage. Do you plan to practice celibacy DURING your marriage until you “plan” to have a child? I doubt it. So the point is, as long are you are having sex, you risk the chance of becoming pregnant. But I’m done talking to you because reading “comprehension” is obviously not one of your strong areas. Why are you even on this blog anyway? The topic was about dating a single mother or father. And since you don’t do that, you should have never invited yourself here because we don’t need or want your negative comments about what you don’t do and why. Please go find another blog to put your two cents into. This one is far beyond your realm of thinking.

By FyreStarrter™

August 3, 2006 04:20 PM | Link to this

agg If a man is truly serious about me I would hope that he would be serious enough to want to to to couples counseling with me. It would be nice to have a peaceful relationship without ANY assistance but as the child of parents who have been married for 31 years & are going through the hardest time in their life together RIGHT NOW, I know that for most couples that is just not feasible. I look at life & love in more practical terms than most people I think. It would be nice to have the fairytale many women dream of, but I don’t feel life is going to work out that way anymore.

By FyreStarrter™

August 3, 2006 04:21 PM | Link to this

Demi I don’t know what’s wrong with it, but I have been told many times today (from some ODD sources) that is is wrong for me to feel that way. sigh

By Raqi

August 3, 2006 04:23 PM | Link to this

Yes Bold you need say more. LOL

Life is a teacher through experience and speculation is the entertainment of fools. I don’t know where my oldest brother got that saying but he use to say it all the time.

By Tazzee

August 3, 2006 04:24 PM | Link to this

Thank you Demi

By FyreStarrter™

August 3, 2006 04:24 PM | Link to this

abc yes he would indeed be a real prospect & he would quickly go to the top of the queue! lol

By STORM, cradle robber extraodinare

August 3, 2006 04:29 PM | Link to this

Night night, QC. It’s true, though not intentionally.

By LahLah

August 3, 2006 04:31 PM | Link to this

Hey ya’ll. Dang, I wish I would’ve had time today to endulge in this convo me being a mama and all and my preference to only date men WITH children but blue you were right, they made me put in some work today.

Hope you all have a fantastic evening and stay cool.

DK

• I know how to do it to a woman without laying a finger on her.. I believe in Mind sex way before you get to ride the scream machine*

DAYUM!!!!!!!!!!!

By BOLD & BEAUTIFUL

August 3, 2006 04:33 PM | Link to this

We can say all day long what we will and will not do, but one thing i have learned, if you live in this world long enough, t rials, tribulations, experiences will either make you are break you, it’s up to you which it does, that’s what i mean by life is a teacher,

By FyreStarrter™

August 3, 2006 04:35 PM | Link to this

kr_fstr Ok for real you have me WRONG but after reading that LAST post where you tried to throw your sanctimonious stones at the wrong woman, it’s understandable. First of all I have been here a LOT longer than YOU could even realize. 2nd of all the reason I even BROUGHT up the celibacy AGAIN (you obviously did NOT read it the first time) was because it is clear that that is a way to AVOID becoming a single Mom or Dad. And it is obvious from your posts that you don’t know the definition of the afore mentioned word. And NOTHING I have said today can possibly be misconstrued as negative to ANYONE but those it directly relates to. In other words, you do not agree with what I said, therefore you shoot back at me with some clearly juvenile basist language that my 4-year old nephew has a better chance of comprehending than I do. PLEASE be careful out there ok? We wouldn’t you to fall somewhere on Peachtree Street because you are continously reading the person on the other sidewalks “how to keep an idiot busy” t-shirt. It is my decision to post when & where I want & if you are offended by my comments then do the dayum thing AND STOP READING THEM.

By Blue_Kolla

August 3, 2006 04:36 PM | Link to this

Fyre You remind me of a 2nd year chemist. You know just enough to blow ya dayum self up, right along with the lab.

DuShawn He often expresses his gratitude for everything I did for him. He’s grateful for all the life lessons and real talks I gave him. He realizes how hard I tried to guide him around the pitfalls that await young black men that make poor decisions.

That there give a man the right to walk around with his chest aired up and is what being a MAN is all about!!!

By Randyt (aka Been there, done that, got the t-shirt)

August 3, 2006 04:37 PM | Link to this

I think what this boils down to is that you had better take a good look inside yourself before becoming involved with an SO with children. You have to ask yourself how jealous you are. You have to ask yourself can you control your feelings and let your SO be the parent while you are the concerned friend of the child. You have to ask yourself are you willing to take on an often thankless role of being someone who will probably have to give more than they can expect to get.

You have to look inside yourself…and be dayum honest about what YOU are and are not.

By FyreStarrter™

August 3, 2006 04:39 PM | Link to this

kr_fstr & to answer another one of your clueless questions, YES I do plan to practice BIRTH CONTROL (not celibacy WTH were YOU thinking) AFTER I get married. As I have CLEARLY & EMPHATICALLY stated. The first few years of MY MARRIAGE TO MY HUSBAND are about HE & I, not HE, I & MARCIA, JAN, BOBBY, etc. Is that clear to you?

By Alvin

August 3, 2006 04:41 PM | Link to this

STORM Funny-Funny, That’s why I run from my older sistas…

By FyreStarrter™

August 3, 2006 04:42 PM | Link to this

Bold that is VERY true & life teaches all of us WHO ARE DIFFERENT in so many different ways. The point is, do we learn from those trials, tribulations, & experiences or do we keep making the SAME mistakes over & over again?

By abc

August 3, 2006 04:46 PM | Link to this

Some of you folks evidently can’t get through a day without head-bobbin-give-ya-what-fer.

@Randyt, I’d add that one should look inside themselves to evaluate if they’re able to keep from strangling the little monsters. :-)

By FyreStarrter™

August 3, 2006 04:46 PM | Link to this

ah my old friend clearly clueless blue I really don’t think anyone here is at liberty to say what others do & do NOT know. I think we can only expound upon our own personal experiences & that is what I have done here today & as usual I am being cruicified for it. But so be it. Such was the relationship of the Inquisitor to the Spanish people in the middle ages. (LOOK IT UP!)

By danielle

August 3, 2006 04:48 PM | Link to this

Can we all just get along???????????

By FyreStarrter™

August 3, 2006 04:48 PM | Link to this

RandyT you always have such trueisms to say. I agree with you wholeheartedly. You have to know Who you are & if you are in a position in your life where you are ready to SHARE, nearly EVERYTHING in fact. It’s a tough decision, & one that should not be taken lightly.

By Blue_Kolla

August 3, 2006 04:49 PM | Link to this

Fyre to answer another one of your clueless questions

Just couldn’t help it could you? I know it’s hard. LOL

By Alvin

August 3, 2006 04:52 PM | Link to this

Sooooooooooooooooo, are some y’all singles/w kids, mad at the singles /w out for not dating you?

By FyreStarrter™

August 3, 2006 04:54 PM | Link to this

Danielle I was getting along just fine until ole gyrl went from speaking English & having a somewhat communicable dialogue to name calling from the Tower of Babel in less than 5 posts FLAT! wth

Aww c’mon now blue You know she had it coming, stepping to me with a ludicrous question like that! I mean I may be celibate but I will be DAYUM if I am going to be AFTER I get married. I mean WTH is the point lol?? I would EXPECT my husband to have an issue with that ya know?

By Tazzee

August 3, 2006 04:54 PM | Link to this

A man that puts his family before his wife is totally out of order. Leave and cleave.

Have a great evening folks!

By Kym aka Queen of the I dont give a Dayumn

August 3, 2006 04:55 PM | Link to this

@Fyre I really do hate that it is getting late in the day because as one who is quite familiar with you and been in your actually presence for several years I clearly understand how you have changed and now developed this increasing to be able to pass judgement on others yet get offended when some passes judgement on you. Hey baby do what the old folks say keep living…or maybe do as Blue says and take a sip from that truth cup and look in the mirror from time to time.

By olderandwiser

August 3, 2006 04:55 PM | Link to this

Afternoon, old and new bloggers. I’m way late to the party, but an old post I wrote on this topic and have updated might be useful for newer people. Here goes.

I’m going to marry BF and by extension his three kids soon. It’s taken a lot of work, sacrifice and adjustment by us all to get to this point, but we feel it’s a win-win-win situation. I’m getting a terrific sexy guy and a ready-made family I couldn’t have biologically; he’s getting a terrifc sexy woman who wants to help him raise his kids right; and the kids are getting a savvy stepparent who accepts her role as supporting their parents’ hopes and dreams for them. (Think favorite aunt on that last one.)

BF and I have managed to forge a working business-like relationship with his ex, and I’ve worked hard to establish a loving relationship with the kids. As someone older than both parents, I’ve had the unusual task of refereeing their disagreements about the kids on occasion. Wow. (That does NOT include their issues with each other. Their business.) Fortunately, we’re mature and educated enough to understand that communication is the key to discovering and resolving problems between ourselves and with the kids. We have to act in their best interest rather than our own while they’re minors, and a united front works better than letting a divide and conquer mentality set in. Is it a smooth ride? No way, but it’s okay and we’re getting better with practice.

My suggestion to single daters of any age is to not automatically rule out divorced/single parents. God knows that the dating pool is shallow enough, and the older you get the more likely it is that you’ll see his/her kids up on the diving board. You must decide, on a case-by-case basis and with your own expectations and limitations in mind, whether or not dating a parent is a situation you want to handle. I believe you’ll know if and when you are. If you’re not ready or willing, then you’re not, and you need not apologize to anyone for that.

Life lessons:

If you are a parent, tell your prospective dates up front so you don’t give them a false impression about who and what you are. They need to know the truth so they can make honest decisions about you and your kid(s).

If you are the non-parent and progress to meeting the kids, try for an honest and respectful friendship. Love may come later or not at all, but at least you’ll have that as the basis for a workable relationship.

Well before the wedding, get premarital counseling to identify and resolve kid issues – and that goes for minor and adult children. It’s time and money well spent. If his/her ex is available and amenable to joint family counseling for difficult issues, take advantage of that opportunity.

Both parties should do a pre-nup to protect their interests and that of the children, regardless of age. BTW not all stepparents are ogres. My pre-nup provides for my stepkids’ college expenses.

Remember that in the end, all kids grow up and move out into the world. You did, right? Treat your spouse as the one who’ll still be there long after they’re gone.

Peace. See you next week.

By FyreStarrter™

August 3, 2006 04:56 PM | Link to this

abc man I feel you about strangling the little monsters. SOMETIMES…OOOH OOOH! lol :)

By kr_fstr

August 3, 2006 04:56 PM | Link to this

Fyre…I was being sarcastic when I mentioned celibacy during marriage. But YOU are too clueless to even recognize THAT. Your response was exactly what I expected it to be. A childish, emotional one. Instead of focusing so much on what your life is going to be like, what you are going to do, etc., right now, you need to concentrate on growing up before you seriously date or marry ANYONE. Wow…I’m cracking up at how what I said set you on “Fire” like that (LOL..no pun intended).

By Alvin

August 3, 2006 04:58 PM | Link to this

Fyre/tazz Relax, tomorrow, me,blue,2 or LL will be in the hot seat…today is y’all turn, LOL

By danielle

August 3, 2006 04:58 PM | Link to this

Fyre name calling from the Tower of Babel Now that’s funny.

By FyreStarrter™

August 3, 2006 04:59 PM | Link to this

Alvin YES I do think they ARE mad at us for not wanting to date them. The truth is is that they made their choices & we make ours & even through we do not agree we must co-exist in this world of ours. Single parents for a minute TRY & look at things from the perspective of the person who does make the choice to date you. Think about all they will have to deal with & all that your children will have to deal with as well. It is NOT always the sweetlife that you hope for. I have BEEN THERE. Please believe.

By Queentruth

August 4, 2006 10:12 AM | Link to this

Coming in late, but better that than never. I am the Poster Child for single mome, Div w/ 3 half grown 15,12,& 9 with two jobs that I work 7 days a week. I dont have time for games. I dont date guys that dont already have all of the children they want to have. I dont hide my children from them or them from my children. I do not believe it is fair to them or the children to be isolated from each other until we are almost married (that is sooo stupid). What happens is you develop a partial relationship. That’s like saying we can date but I am only going to show you half of my face, and then after about 3 or four months I’ll show you the other half. My children are a part of me. And how can a man say he loves me but he only knows part of me. That doesn’t send a good message to my children either. What if everything is going great, he meets my children and things fall apart, the children will associate that with them. Childre are human too, not perfect. He will have to accept them and their good days and bad, just like we will have to accept him and his good days and bad as well. Anyway.. enough said. I think you get the point.