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AJC.com > Living > Blog > Archives > 2006 > April
April 2006
April’s Not So Cruel After All
The Atlanta Journal-Constitution
T.S. Eliot, the poet and playwright, once wrote that “April is the cruelest month” - but clearly he was never in Atlanta in the springtime! Now that Spring is here the yellow dust blankets the city. When Atlantans aren’t sneezing from all that pollen or bracing for those afternoon spring showers, we do enjoy the spring season!
It’s the season for renewal and spring fever! All that hard work in the gym and months of low-carb diets finally pay off. The women finally get to peel away their winter clothes and start showing more skin. The guys perk up and take notice - almost immediately - thus sparking the “season for teasin”.
This is also the season for break-ups. Couples who were snuggled up during the winter months may start to get antsy, and before long it’s “return of the mack”. Is there a guy or girl you are going to spring clean from your life? I think I may be swept from a few cell phones too because I am still the runaway dater! I may even do my own spring cleaning. It’s time to put the bench warmers in their place. You know the ones who aren’t exactly tickling my fancy these days either. buh bye! What better place to experience all this spring fever than Atlanta? The weather is lovely and the single scene becomes hotter. Good times!
Well, whether you are single or coupled up, this time of year could bring new ways to mix and mingle, find new restaurants, go to events at outside venues, and soak up a little sun (and rain?) in the process. I, for one, can’t wait to get out and explore our beautiful city. I plan to pick loads of activities and hopefully spot a few cute guys in the process! I can already name one restaurant where I “happen to stop” by (about 3 times a week) in my neighborhood. Although they make the best grilled fish dishes, I really just go to drool over the server and flirt with him. Yes, that is what you call gratuitous man watching. Is that so wrong? Don’t judge me!
What are your plans this spring? Do you want to travel, see a concert, attend a wine tasting event, or perhaps catch a nice play? Access Atlanta is a great place to start looking for events, concerts, or entertainment information. I usually go here to get the 411 on what is happening around the city.
If you have ever wondered if there was some sort of Bermuda Triangle for single people somewhere, here is a chance to find out how all the single people find each other. Well other than our cool Misadventures In Atlanta blog, that is!
Throughout the day today I would like everyone to swap ideas on places and events that may appeal to the springtime lover in us.
Let us know if you have found any local spots, events, or social outlets where single (that means unattached and available!) people go to hang out.
Guys where was the last place you spotted a beautiful girl?
Ladies, when was the last time you walked into a room and wanted to break out in a chorus of It’s Raining Men!
Was April a cruel month for you on the dating scene or have you met someone fantastic?
Any plans for a spring fling? Come on, don’t keep all the secrets to yourself!
Happy Friday!!
Permalink | Comments (334) | Categories: Mix & Mingle
The Ego Has Landed
The Atlanta Journal-Constitution
There comes a time in every single person’s dating career when they have to get rejected. It can be a very humbling experience and it’s easy to become discouraged. Men have to deal with rejections more than women simply because they are normally the one pursuing. I know women like to tell the men that their egos are so fragile, but the reality is we are WAY worse than men!
There have been a few men that I miscalculated when trying to figure out if they are my type. It’s funny how I go from drooling at the guy of interest until he brushes me off. Then I find all sorts of things wrong about him:
Oh yea??, Well your eyes are too far apart!!
Yes, I am afraid that women can have the same egomaniacal tendencies as men because we are not conditioned to being brushed off, well, at least I am not. Oddly enough, when a guy is kindly letting me down easy, compliments abound, and all my finer points are mentioned. It sure helps to soften the blow! I end up feeling attractive and desirable while I am being dumped! Old admirers rave about my attributes and tell me how beautiful, talented, smart, sassy, funny, dynamic, cute and sweet. (Well, thanks, I guess?). One guy even had the nerve to call me a good catch! (Well why are you throwing me back). Although I appreciated when guys were kind enough to let me down with compliments, it probably could help to hear the hard honest truth. What turned them off? Why weren’t we compatible? I never, ever ask for this information because…well, my ego! I figure it doesn’t really mean I am the problem per se, I am just not the guy’s forte. Everyone won’t love me! It actually doesn’t even bother me that much unless I was the one that initiated things. <—-That is when my ego lands. FLAT!
Dealing with rejection is part of dating that you just can’t escape. You really can’t take it too personally. When I was dating the Cowardly Fireman, I certainly thought that I would be the one to pull a disappearing act on him first. Unfortunately he beat me to it. Despite my attempts to have a final post-relationship wrap-up discussion (translation: him listening to me getting some things off my chest!) , he didn’t even bother to show up to meet me. What a chump! I was so annoyed. I mean what nerve, doesn’t he know I was being generous dating him! Dump me? No, Dump YOU! <—- Diva’s ego gets out of control sometimes.
We always want to be the one dishing out rejection because we don’t like it when our egos get deflated. Sometimes things just don’t happen that way. When you get dumped, you have to brush yourself off and move on. There is nothing more annoying then a person who doesn’t deal with rejection well. Instead of going away graciously, they get upset, vindictive, and revengeful. It is NOT a pretty sight to see a woman who refuses to let go and follows her ex around. Honey just let him go. He has clearly moved on and you should to!
I used to date Psycho Cop who actually stalked me, my apartment and left countless messages pleading for another chance. Please, when someone tells you things are over, Just GO AWAY! Desperation doesn’t look good on anyone, ever.
How do you deal with rejection in dating?
Do you think our egos are hurdles in the dating scene?
Do you think female egos are more fragile or do guys have it worse than we do?
Are women responsible for helping to perpetuate the “fragile” male ego by giving men too much energy?
Permalink | Comments (392) | Categories: Mix & Mingle
How to lose a guy or girl in 10 minutes or less
The Atlanta Journal-Constitution
Even though we don’t always admit to “judging by the cover” it just becomes a habit for single people. Sometimes it is unavoidable because you can meet someone who goes from Mr/Miss HOT to Mr/Miss NOT! NOT EVER!!!
It happens to all of us. I am sure you guys have spotted some hot girl, maybe at Twist or East Andrews. You find yourself approaching her after some sign that she is receptive to you. You walk over and you break the ice in hopes of getting a feel for her personality - yes ladies, just her personality. She is smiling a lot, maybe even laughing at your corny jokes. Then it happens. She opens her mouth and says the dumbest thing you have ever uttered by any female EVER. You are stunned! You can’t imagine a woman so beautiful could become so, well unattractive! And so fast!
Ladies have you ever gone to a social event, most likely upscale and sophisticated, in the mood to flirt? You manage to end up near some well-dressed, extremely attractive gentleman. You both notice one another at the same time and before long you two are shoulder to shoulder. The traditional greetings and names are exchanged and you start to feel all tingly and flushed. Well within TEN minutes the dude quickly becomes the biggest jerk that you have ever met! You know what is so bizarre? It doesn’t really take many words for their appeal factor to plummet!
Now I really like living and dating in this city. I really do. There are just some really outrageous people roaming around Atlanta giving the rest of us a bad name! Don’t you worry because the Misadventures in Atlanta blog will help you avoid being part of the problem!
My friend Jackson came up with a few things that would make a woman unattractive to him in ten minutes or less. Of course I could easily think of a few from my own perspective. Check out our list below. I am sure you can decipher his from mine! Remember, you asked for more of the male’s perspective!
Come off like you are snob, conceited or extremely arrogant Have you ever met someone and they made it seem like you were lucky to even get the opportunity to do so? Oh yeah, tumble attractiveness, tumble. I know a woman who assumes that anytime a man speaks to her, he is trying to run game. Anytime. What I find funny about it is that she’s not attractive…in the first place. Hence, she will blow off nearly any man who even offers her so much as a compliment and assume that he is merely running game.
Bad breath Yes, halitosis is a real thing. I’m not even sure there needs to be an explanation here. Let’s just say, if nobody wants to talk to you and you look like Halle Berry, either you have a sign on your forehead that says “SARS lives here” or your breathe is beyond reproach. Pop a tic-tac and watch your dating options multiply.
Bring up the fact that you live with your momma. Not much explanation needed here either. I will just suggest that you catch the film Failure to Launch, starring Sarah Jessica Parker and the very hot Matthew McConaughey. It’s packed full of gems relating to this very thing!
Say something dumb I don’t know about you, but I HATE dumb broads. With the passion of Mel Gibson. I know some folks who like dumb chicks because they are easy, but that is an ultimate turnoff. If I see a fine woman who gets so excited because she just discovered the fact that when you push the button on a pen, the ball point comes out…well, she will get chucked like Taylor. She will become very unattractive, very quickly to me. Dumb girls cannot be fine. It is mentally impossible for me to find dumb women attractive. I would assume that would be the same for men. Of course with the dating pool so shallow nowadays, I assume some women just take what they can get.
Wearing more makeup than the law allows Maybe this is just a personal thing. I don’t mind makeup. But I do mind additional faces created by too much makeup. Maybe I can’t really tell much from afar. Upon closer inspection, you can become very unattractive if I’m not sure whether your face really belongs to you or not. Nothing is scarier than possibly waking up next to a Gremlin. I’m probably not most men, but I’d just pass on that.
Making an inappropriate sexual remark, gesture, or joke - I know this seems like a no-brainer, right? Well, I have met Mr. I Could Sop You Up With a Biscuit way too many times! When a man is licking his lips incessantly staring at you like a piece of meat he starts to look like a dirty old man. Ew.
Now, this is written with humor so spare me the Shallow Atlanta rant. That is an entirely different topic!
Have you ever met someone that appeared to be so attractive at first glance but within a few minutes they were downright scary? How did you handle it?
Can you ever recover from these less then stellar moments?
In your opinion, what could make a person go from so hot, to so not your type?
Permalink | Comments (483) | Categories: Mix & Mingle
Three’s a crowd, six is a freak show
The Atlanta Journal-Constitution
We have been discussing the male’s view on dating to gain better understanding about the male psyche. I think the discussions have been quite informative and entertaining so far. If you have any comments about yesterday’s discussion feel free to respond today.
A friend of mine recently met a woman who he seems to get along with really well. Things seemed to be going well until he started to notice that the number of male friends the woman had outnumbered her male friends. He said that he started to see her differently and thought that she had too many male friends. I think the biggest problem is the fact that her best friend is male, who happened to be a former flame.
If a woman has a lot of male friends, is it harder for a man to trust her?
Have you ever dated anyone who had a really close friend who was an ex?
Would you be bothered if your girlfriend started making new male friends after you two started dating?
Ladies would you be uncomfortable dating someone who had a high number of female friends?
Would it bother you if his ex-girlfriend was now his buddy?
Permalink | Comments (327) | Categories: Dating
Round 2: Real Intentions
The Atlanta Journal-Constitution
Just like Bellsouth. Listening. Answering. On last Friday, Laney so graciously listened and answered the requests of our beloved, outspoken, disgruntled men. So, far be it from me not to follow her lead. I mean it’s all about making our male readers happy. If they don’t look good…oh wait, wrong slogan. Anyway, since you guys feel that we ignore you, male bash, and inundate the Misadventures in Atlanta blog with our vagina monoblogues, I will let the ball stay in your court. I would like to steer clear of more profound and deep debates about thick versus fat, if that’s alright with the guys, of course. I would like to explore more into the single male psyche, specifically when it comes to dating with real intentions.
When do men decide what their intentions are with a woman? How do they decide?
Some people think that dating like a man is no different then dating like a woman. Men just don’t analyze things as much as women. This usually means that they are less concerned about where things are going. I asked one guy if he thought that it was ethical to initiate a lot of one-on-one time if he doesn’t have any real intentions with a woman. He said that women perceive real intentions when she wants there to be real intentions, regardless of what the guy does.
So then I asked him, “When you are seeking her out and spending time with her. Isn’t that encouraging and reaffirming the fact that you have real intentions with her?” He paused and said, “Well, if she is the one perceiving that as real intentions, that’s on her.”
Ok, so now I am confused. When a woman interprets a guy’s actions as real intentions with her, he is not responsible for that interpretation in any way?
I asked him, “How do you guys know when someone is genuinely interested in you?”
“Well, we can usually tell by their actions and reactions to us.”
I said, “So, if a guy can tell when someone is interested in him, and he has no real intentions to be with a woman, why would he lead her on?
“Well she doesn’t have to agree to the one on one time, she could decline. So until then, I will just assume that she is alright with no real intentions. Women are always going to read into something.”
What do you guys think? Do ladies read too much into your actions?
When do you decide that you have real intentions with a woman?
Ladies, are you guilty of over-analyzing a guy’s actions?
Do you have “wishful thinking” when it comes to a man’s real intentions?
How do we sort out the mixed signals that sometimes come with dating?
How do we hear what’s not being said?
So there you go guys. Round 2. Come out swinging.
Are you ready to RUMBLE!?
Permalink | Comments (240) | Categories: Dating
As requested
The Atlanta Journal-Constitution
All right, so, as some of you have wished for…today is all about the guys.
Since I clearly don’t have a male perspective of my own, I went out last night and attempted to acquire one. At a Midtown bar with a big group of both guys and girls, most of whom I don’t know, I did some scouting, spying and interrogating. Now it’s up to you, my male readers, to help me out some more.
First of all, I noticed a difference in what men and women talk about when they’re out on the town. A group of several guys stood behind me, and I literally heard them talk about exactly two things: sports, and work. I had always assumed the sports talk was a stereotype, but, nope, this group totally did it.
I let one of the guys in the group tell me the biggest misconception women have about men when it comes to dating, and he informed me that men don’t really want passive, subservient women — as he said, “I need a woman who can put me in my place.”
And I noticed that, contrary to belief, groups of men out at a Midtown hotspot aren’t necessarily just trying to pick up chicks. Sometimes, like women out with their girlfriends, they’re just enjoying hanging out with the boys.
So, men, I turn it over to you today. Tell us what you talk about and think about when you’re out with the guys. Tell us what we women don’t understand about you when it comes to dating. Tell us the biggest challenges you face in the world of romance
And ladies…here’s your chance to get inside the male brain. Please, tell us what it is you don’t understand, don’t like and don’t need from men - hopefully some of them will step in to explain their behavior!
Let the games begin.
Permalink | Comments (339) | Categories: Mix & Mingle
A friend in need?
The Atlanta Journal-Constitution
As any single person is (bitterly) aware, sometimes other people’s relationships can affect you more than your own. When you’re single, you become an observer. And sometimes, watching your friends, not everything you see is so good.
There’s a huge range of possibilities here. Of course, there is the friend who gets into a perfectly healthy relationship in most ways, except that he/she lets it take up all of his/her free time, and suddenly, you never see them again. A common problem that can be of varying severity, I think. The other extreme is an abusive relationship, where you are watching your friend be put in serious physical or emotional danger.
But I’m primarily interested today in the relationships where you genuinely feel that your friend’s partner is bad for him or her. Perhaps you go to hang out with your friend and see her boyfriend flirt with other girls. You see your boy buying all sorts of expensive stuff for his lady, but never getting so much as a thank-you in return. Your friend tells you endless stories about things her boyfriend does that hurt her feelings or bother her: not calling when he says he will, checking her email without her permission, forgetting special occasions. How can you tell when this stuff goes from minor to major?
Or maybe your friend changes his or her behavior when a relationship begins. I had a friend in college who started dating a very “dirty-hippie” type guy, and she changed her entire style: She got her ears pierced and gauged, grew her hair out, wore different clothes, lost weight, started listening to different music, quit her job, started hanging out with a new crowd, etc. I have another friend who is normally a very strong, wordly woman who is so dependent on her current relationship that she sometimes refuses to go out with her friends in case her boyfriend calls. Rather than bringing out the best in her, I feel that this relationship makes her weak, needy and unable or unwilling to show her amazing personality.
What do you do when you are in this situation? Is it best to just grin and bear it, feeling like it’s none of your business, or are you obligated as a friend to step in and share your concerns? Is there a time you absolutely should intervene — say, if they get engaged? Clearly, a couple knows better than anyone outside it what’s going on — but can you make important observations from the outside?
What happens if your friend asks you point-blank for an opinion on a relationship you don’t like?
Permalink | Comments (200) | Categories: Relationships
But he can’t help it…
The Atlanta Journal-Constitution
Last week, I went out on a first date with a guy from MySpace. I’d seen a picture of him beforehand, but there was one thing that the picture didn’t reveal: He had a lazy eye.
I’ll admit it — I cringed. It wasn’t attractive, and it was sort of distracting. But after the date, I felt terrible. I said to two of my best girlfriends, “I’m so shallow and superficial! Maybe I should give him another chance!”
Both of them pointed out to me, quite wisely, that if I had really liked him, I probably could have looked past the eye issue. But one of them also pointed out to me that my reaction was interesting. Had I gone out with a guy who was conventionally attractive and not felt any chemistry, I would have no qualms about saying no to a second date. But because my hesitation was based on a purely physical complaint, I felt bad enough that I was almost willing to agree to go out again. Does this qualify as a pity date? Or is it just my own overcompensating for not wanting to be seen as a mean person?
I remember having a similar experience with one of my first-ever boyfriends. I didn’t find him all that attractive, but he liked me a lot, and I felt like rejecting him based simply on the idea that he wasn’t my physical ideal wasn’t fair, so I stuck with it. This issue has come up time and again; virtually every time I meet a nice, smart guy who likes me a lot but who I don’t feel attracted to physically, I feel obligated to go above and beyond to give him a chance. Sometimes, it pays off and that attraction builds. But more often than not, I’m prolonging something that just isn’t going to spark because I am afraid of rejecting someone for something they can’t help.
Whether it’s weight, height, race, or a physical deformity, all of these things can be turn-offs to certain people - is that unfair, or just personal taste?
Does anyone else have a similar experience? Have you ever felt bad for rejecting someone based on a physical flaw or another “shallow” reason and resolved to give them another chance? If so, how has it worked out for you?
Permalink | Comments (346) | Categories: Dating
The guilty party
The Atlanta Journal-Constitution
In something as emotionally charged as a relationship, guilt can come in a number of forms.
There is guilt when you know you aren’t giving your best to the relationship, for whatever reason. Maybe you’re too busy to be there for your partner, stressed out by other problems or physically or mentally not up to par. Maybe you just realize one day that you’re not giving as much as your partner is, and that things feel unequal to you.
Guilt about breaking up with someone. A lot of times this leads to staying in a relationship much longer than you otherwise would because you feel bad about leaving.
Of course, the biggest source of guilt usually involves cheating or a desire to cheat. Keeping any secret from your partner can lead to guilt, but a transgression like that is one of the biggest secrets you can keep. Even being tempted by another and not acting on it can lead to guilt.
And then there’s sexual guilt. Soon after I moved to Atlanta, I had a fling with a guy who lived nearby. We went on a date or two, but it quickly evolved to a booty-call situation (at his impetus, I MIGHT ADD.) Anyway, I was fine with the arrangement, but he stopped calling. I checked out his online journal and found this totally bizarre entry about his paralyzing guilt about having nonrelationship sex with me. Um…okay? I confronted him the next time he came over, and he admitted he felt really guilty — just guilty enough not to call me for a couple of weeks until he’d dealt with it, but then, you know, other needs would overwhelm the guilt. Right. That was the end of that. But I do know that a lot of times, people do have that ingrained “sex is dirty” feeling.
Sometimes guilt can work to our advantage. One of my exes felt so bad about the (admittedly asinine) way that he had handled the breakup with his previous girlfriend that when it came time for our relationship to end, he was extra-sensitive about the whole situation.
Time for confessions, everyone…what guilt are you carrying around with you, or have you had in the past? How did it affect your relationship(s)? Which situations would you go back and change, if you could? Have you ever had a boyfriend or girlfriend who was racked with guilt about something they did to you or an ex, and how did it make you feel?
What things SHOULD people feel guilty about in relationships, in your view?
Permalink | Comments (218) | Categories: Matters of the Heart
Cry me a river
The Atlanta Journal-Constitution
Watching American Idol last week, I fell deeply in love. (C’mon, stop laughing! I did!)
It wasn’t my previous crush, the hot rocker boy Chris. It wasn’t even spastically endearing Taylor. It was Elliott Yamin. And what did it for me? The sparkly little tear that came to his eye when viewing a video message from his mom.
Yep, I’ll admit it. I love a man who cries.
The “sensitive male” of the 90s may be out of vogue. Even the metrosexual image of the past few years didn’t include that kind of emotional openness. But give me a guy who wears his heart on his sleeve, and there’s nothing I like better.
I’ve seen Starving Artist tear up a few times over the course of our relationship, and even in our post-breakup friendship. That kind of honesty, vulnerability and emotional availability has always been one of the things that most endeared him to me. If a man feels comfortable enough to cry in front of me, I usually feel confident that our bond is solid and the trust is there.
Ladies, is a man who cries attractive to you, or would you rather be with a more stoic, studly guy who’s too manly to cry? Do you like a sensitive man, or is that too much work for you to keep up with?
As far as me, I’m a total crier — at just about anything. There are certain movies that make me weep every time I watch them, even though I know exactly what’s going to happen. I’ve been known to get misty-eyed at commercials before. And god knows it’s possible I’ll start sobbing during an emotional discussion.
Guys, do you find this appealing, or annoying? Do your “comfort instincts” kick in when you see your girl crying, or do you just feel uncomfortable and like you don’t know what to do? Would you rather have an emotionally vulnerable partner or one who can keep her feelings under control better?
Do you consider yourself a “sensitive woman” or “sensitive man”?
Permalink | Comments (329) | Categories: Relationships
Dude, Where’s Your Purse?
The Atlanta Journal-Constitution
It’s a man thing, Gina! I caught an old episode of the television show Martin. If you ever watched this show starring Martin Lawrence, you know this catch phrase well. Martin usually said this to his girlfriend Gina to explain some type of male behavior that made no sense to her. In the show that I watched, Martin wanted to maintain a certain image in front of his male friends. It was important to prove that he was “the one wearing the pants in the relationship”. Even if it was a total facade.
If a guy is seen catering to his woman too much, he can set himself up for ridicule. Well, my friend Sean has really messed up. He made the mistake of showing signs of real affection for his new girlfriend in front of “the crew.” Sean hasn’t had many long-term relationships but he seems happy to me. Apparently, too happy because Sean is now affectionately known as Tom (Cruise). Although Sean hasn’t been on Oprah jumping on furniture, he has no problem saying that he really likes her. He dotes on her constantly and has let her do a few “upgrades” to his life. Nothing drastic, in my opinion. The guys feel that it’s just the tip of the iceberg. They said that clearly he is sprung now. Sean’s cousin, Greg thinks he is setting a bad precedent in the relationship by letting the “new girl” in his life influence him. They joke with him about it when I am around but I get the feeling that they really encourage Sean to be the one in control more often. Do men still feel the need to prove they wear the pants in the relationship?
Why are guys so hard on their male friends that cater to their women?
Are men expected to hide when they are in love?
Permalink | Comments (192) | Categories: Relationships
Dating With A Twist
The Atlanta Journal-Constitution
Imagine that you are a driven, goal-oriented person. You have a clear idea of the direction your life is headed. You aren’t really pressured to find a mate or have children. You are just coasting along in life with your plan. Then it happens. You meet your soulmate. The person who seems as if they were put on this earth to be with you. This person is unexpected, unscripted, and unplanned. Yet, they seems so perfect for you.
Things are copacetic in the relationship so you decide to date exclusively. You realize that your “future” plans begin to change to accommodate each other. What’s even more interesting is that you don’t even mind. After all, it’s your dream mate!
Well, one day you get a phone call that changes everything. Your ultimate dream job has been offered to you. It would require you to relocate to your dream city. Your soulmate is unable to leave Atlanta due to extenuating circumstances. Eventually you reach a point where someone has to decide: Dream job or dream mate? The irony of the situation is staggering. You weren’t looking for the dream mate but you were doing what it takes to aim for that dream job. Now you have both options in front of you! This twist in the plot surprises you.
I know men and women can view these situations differently, but consider this scenario for each gender: What if the male has the dream job offer? What if the female has to choose between dream mate or dream job? Would it make a difference in how this scenario plays out?
A favorite author/poet of mine, Ana Nais, once said: How wrong it is for a woman to expect the man to build the world she wants, rather than to create it herself. I have always loved that quote. I am not sure if she was talking about a woman in love though. I think things tend to get complicated when your world becomes “our world” and you are faced with tough decisions.
What would you do? Do you decide to take your dream job and leave your soul mate? Is it possible to sacrifice everything else you want from life to be with them?
When you are part of a couple, whose happiness gets priority? Yours, mine or ours?
If you are single and unattached, would you halt plans to buy a home, relocate, or make a major life decision if you met your dream mate just when you started to make things happen?
Permalink | Comments (242) | Categories: Matters of the Heart
A Good Stiff Man Is Easy To Find
The Atlanta Journal-Constitution
Yesterday I mentioned that I can’t seem to reach second dates lately. Well, some of you may recall that I vowed to double the number of dates that I went on in 2005. I was going to make a true and genuine effort to mingle more and put a bit more energy into meeting men. Well, I am already TIRED! Not because of the quantity of dates but because of the quality.
I don’t want to sound like a date snob or anything, but so far my 2006 dates have been DULL and STIFF. I mean, I like a good stiff man as much as the next girl, but honestly? I could use a lot less stiffness and a little more creativity these days. Always going to dinner and a movie doesn’t really scream romance and excitement. What happened to asking what my interests are and finding out what I enjoy doing? Clearly, I have been way too lenient with my guys of interest. I am generally appreciative of their efforts to make plans to go out, so I wouldn’t think of being rude or impolite. I just want creative options and unique activities to do with someone interesting. When I suggest something “unique” I don’t like to be met with resistance. That is a major turn-off and it’s one reason why date number two NEVER happens.
For all intent and purposes, I really love dating. Seriously, I do! I actually enjoy the pre-date rituals such as: taking a nice relaxing bath; playing my favorite music, drinking a nice glass of chilled wine; picking out a sexy (not trampy or hoochie) outfit; styling my hair; applying a nice shade of lipstick, and walking out the door with a positive attitude.
Now did you fully grasp the long list of pre-date rituals I just rattled off? Go ahead and read them again. I’ll wait.
Ok…so after all that investment of energy and time, I want to have fun! Sometimes, though, that is the ONLY fun I get to have on date night. I only have one expectation in dating these days: meet cool people and have fun. So where has it gotten me so far? Well, I have been getting the dull and stiff discussions despite my efforts to lighten things up. So I can’t do dull anymore. I can’t sit through another boring conversation about insects, home improvement projects, ex-girlfriends, or the ever-so-lovely gold digger diatribe.
I just want those easy conversations that we all like to engage in. You know, mellow, fun, light…just easy! But alas, I have not really had much easy conversation lately, not with the stiffs. So this is why I feel like a bit of a flake when I lose interest with guys so easily - well, just the stiffs in particular, here lately.
Is this a matter of attracting what you are? Surely, I am not boring too! No way! I will just place a moratorium on men who are dull and stiff.
Should singles try to be more patient with the stiff types and “wait” for signs of personality?
What are some helpful tips on how to showcase your winning personality when dating? Do you keep a good joke handy? Perhaps a funny story or anecdote?
How do you dull-proof your dates?
Permalink | Comments (364) | Categories: Mix & Mingle
Can’t Get A Date?
The Atlanta Journal-Constitution
Yesterday we discussed shy people on the dating scene and in relationships. I think that shyness is just one example of a social skill that can really hold someone back from getting dates. VH1 premiered a new reality tv show called Can’t Get A Date last Friday night. Yes, that’s right, Friday, a date night, at midnight. Isn’t that convenient? Since you can’t get a date, then you can be at home, on date night watching Can’t Get A Date.
I have only read about the show’s premise so far. I think it could provide some great tips for people who don’t seem to have much luck in getting dates. Well, honestly I can’t seem to get more “second dates”! I may even be ADD when it comes to guys because I flake out and lose interest rather quickly. Well, I am trying to work on that so I may put this show on my TiVo list to see if they have a remedy for me.
The show will examine some brave soul who is having difficulty on the dating scene. Then they will explore the reasons they think the dater hasn’t been more successful getting a date. Some reasons will be blatanly obvious and others may be a bit less discernable. At the end of 30 minutes - well 27 minutes if you exclude commercial advertisements - the romantically challenged dater will have learned what is holding them back. The goal is to find ways to improve whatever area that could be the root problem. It may be good entertainment or it could be another bad reality show. At the very least, I can use this as a great excuse for not going on a second date. …just kidding (sort of).
Do you have problems getting a date?
What about second dates?
Have you made any efforts to try and figure out why?
Permalink | Comments (271) | Categories: Pop Culture
I need a shy guy - well, maybe…
The Atlanta Journal-Constitution
I don’t want somebody
Who’s loving everybody
I need a shy guy
He’s the kinda guy
Who’ll only be mine
Shy Guy sung by Diana King
Do you guys remember that song from the Bad Boys movie soundtrack? This song popped in my head as I perused one of my favorite websites where the writer was discussing pursuing shy guys. I always thought that if I were to have a “type” of guy that I would like to end up with, it would be the shy guy. I can have a rather strong personality at times, so I figured that a laid-back, easy-going fellow would be the ideal match to my ahem diva personality. For some reason, I just considered shy guys easier to trust and a bit more sincere. It’s like I generally won’t get a playboy vibe from shy guys, and that can be very appealing to me.
Why do shy men seem to be more genuine?
Do shy guys generally prefer someone who is polar opposite?
In the past I haven’t really attracted very many shy guys. I wasn’t quite sure why until yesterday.
A couple of weeks ago, I went to a really nice spoken word event. My friend Colin hosts fundraising events like this from time to time in his home. I always have a great time and I enjoy “mingling for a cause”. Listening to talented and diverse poets perform can be quite entertaining too.
When I walked in, I immediately noticed a very tall guy with a gorgeous smile. He just seemed to stand out in the crowd. I really wasn’t looking for anyone that night. In fact, I was so low-key, I didn’t have any diva gear on at all. Well, never mind the fact that I wasn’t looking very diva-like, I certainly perked up when I spotted him. Perhaps it was the way he was dressed. He looked like he stepped straight out of a Diesel jeans ad. Or maybe it was the way he carried himself. When I realized he was a featured poet, I was sort of surprised. Most of the spoken word performers had that earthy and creative look. Note to self: Never judge a book by its cover.
He captivated me with his flow and quiet demeanor. I was impressed even more by him now. He performed a really politically charged poem but fortunately I agreed with his message. As he goes to sit back down, I honestly could not take my eyes off this guy! I made a mental note to ask Colin for the scoop on this guy later. Well, I finally caught up with Colin this past weekend and of course I asked him about “Diesel”, the poet.
I tried to play it cool when I brought his name up. I simply asked Colin if he knew Diesel personally. Well, I sort of grinned when I said it, so it didn’t take long for Colin to figure out why I was asking about him.
Colin said, “No Diva, I know what you are about to say. He isn’t your type, he is shy!”
I shrieked, “I love shy guys! What do you mean he isn’t my type?”
At this point, I am thinking to myself: How shy can he really be if he can get up in front of strangers and shares his deepest thoughts?
After much prodding and threat to bodily harm him, Colin gave me a little more information. He explained that Diesel usually dates women who are very aggressive and assertive. He is accustomed to women pursuing him, i.e. making the first move, and generally leading him into a relationship. He simply has not had to pursue many women that much. Well, Colin has known me a while and he knows that I don’t make it a habit of pursuing a man relentlessly. I will flirt and send all the right signals to proceed, and I may even ask a guy out once, but that is usually where it stops for me. This is when my mini-epiphany came: “Well, duh.. Wise Diva! If you don’t pursue shy guys, then you won’t ever date one! ” So now I wonder if shy guys are really my type after all. Should I switch things up and pursue Diesel?
How do shy people survive the dating scene? Do they keep slipping through the revolving doors until someone else stops them?
One great question that was raised in the discussion I read was: If a guy is shy and prefers to be pursued by a woman; does that mean he will have to be “lead” in the relationship too?
Do you think shy guys can become great boyfriends?
Permalink | Comments (136) | Categories: About Wise Diva
False advertising
The Atlanta Journal-Constitution
To continue yesterday’s conversation, to some extent… We were talking about changing your partner, and the conversation moved on to the idea of changing someone’s physical appearance because they wear too-tight jeans or need to lose weight, etc. So I’d like to flip that around a little bit. Certainly I understand wanting to have a partner who takes care of himself or herself physically — but can you go too far?
In this day and age, people do a lot of things to enhance their appearances, especially before going out on dates. Women put on makeup that camouflages undereye circles, covers up flawed skin or makes their lips look fuller. They blow curly hair straight or dye it a different color. They slither into underwear that holds their tummy, thighs and butt in or bras that push their chest way up and out.
As for the guys…they put lifts in their shoes, squeeze into tight clothes to make their muscles look good, cover up gray in their hair or wear colored contacts, among other things.
So my question is, do you ever feel let-down when you discover what’s underneath all these efforts? Have you ever seen a girl without makeup for the first time and been like “Hmm, that’s disappointing”? Do you try to avoid someone who loads on the beauty products, wondering what they’re trying to compensate for? How do you react when someone’s body looks awfully different without clothes than what you were expecting?
And there’s the even more extreme example of modifying your appearance: plastic surgery. Have you ever dated someone who had cosmetic surgery? Did it bother you to know that they weren’t all-natural, or did you just appreciate their current appearance for what it was?
Permalink | Comments (305) | Categories: Dating
Fixer-uppers
The Atlanta Journal-Constitution
As you guys know, one of the things that is a deal-breaker for me is my potential partner’s political beliefs. It’s very important to me that I spend time with someone who shares the same outlook that I do on society, at least on certain hot-button issues that I think could create unresolvable conflicts between us.
The other day, I got a message online from someone who was interested in taking me out. He seemed cute and nice, but he specifically described himself in such a way that made me think we were going to clash politically. I asked him his stance on a certain issue that matters to me, just to see what he would say, and I found his answer so problematic and narrow-minded that I politely informed him that I didn’t think we would be a very good match and that I wouldn’t waste his time by hanging out with him.
I was telling this story to a few people the other night, and one of them asked me, in all seriousness, “Wait, why didn’t you try to go out with him to try to change his mind?” I just laughed, because it hadn’t even occurred to me.
But I know there is a category of people out there who do try to change their partners. Actually, almost all of us are guilty of it once in a while. There definitely is a challenge involved with taking someone who needs some “improvement,” whether it’s something superficial like clothes or hairstyle or something more substantial, like trying to make a shy person open up or a lazy one work harder.
It’s a natural tendency to try to bring out the best in your partner, certainly. But where does that line lie between serving as an inspiration and becoming a nag? Have you ever tried to “fix up” a potential partner? Has it worked for you? Has anyone ever tried to change you, and what was the result?
If you do get your partner to change, what then? Do you feel like they aren’t as authentically themselves, or is it an accomplishment for you and testament to how much they care for you that they were willing to change parts of themselves?
What things can you safely change for a partner, and what things should you never alter about yourself?
Permalink | Comments (366) | Categories: Dating
I’m addicted to you, don’t you know that you’re toxic?
The Atlanta Journal-Constitution
Did I really just quote Britney Spears? Oops. Well, K-Fed definitely is toxic…but I digress.
Today’s topic, as you may have gathered, is about those men (and women) who are just poison to you. The ones you can’t get over and move past no matter how bad they are for you. Maybe they treated you badly — but you just can’t get enough. Maybe they broke your heart, and you let them do it over and over. Maybe they cheated on you, and you forgave them and tried to move past.
Usually, these toxic situations stretch on over years. For whatever reason, this guy or this girl gets under your skin, and you can’t get rid of them. I had a friend tell me about her on-again-off-again hookup of nearly three years the other night. He’s trouble, she says, and all her friends urge her to stay away, but she just can’t. I have my Mr. Big, who I still flirt with endlessly (and sometimes more than flirt), two years after our breakup.
Sometimes, these relationships keep you from moving on emotionally to a new one. Sometimes, they aren’t really any harm, other than the pain your toxic partner can inflict on you. Sometimes, they can consume a whole lot of time, energy and passion that should be spent on something else.
Do any of you have a “toxic addiction” like this? Or better yet — any suggestions for a cure?
Permalink | Comments (233) | Categories: Matters of the Heart
Your number is up
The Atlanta Journal-Constitution
The number.
Two scary little words, in the right context. The context of “So, how many people have you slept with before me? What’s your number?”
Whether it’s single, double or even triple digits, every adult has some kind of number lurking beneath their skin. Ghosts of the past — relationships, flings, one-night stands, past marriages, you name it. And often, talking about that number can open up a whole can of worms about what you’ve been through in the past.
But it’s not always just about what your boyfriend or girlfriend thinks. Sometimes, it seems like people have their own hangups. Of course there are those out there who are just looking for “notches on their bedpost,” trying to increase their number just for the sake of bragging rights. And on the flip side, there are people who worry that their number is getting too high and what it might say about them. I recently had a talk with a girlfriend who was concerned about hitting double digits…for some reason, moving from 9 to 10 made her concerned. Never underestimate the power of psychological barriers.
Do you always disclose your number to your partner? Have you fudged before — and if so, up or down? Is it important to you to know how many people your partner has been with before you, or would you rather not know? Could it potentially affect your desire to be with someone if you found out they’d been with very few people or a whole lot?
Have you ever had a moment where you stepped back and said “Whoa, my number’s getting awfully high”? What was your personal threshold?
Permalink | Comments (263) | Categories: Relationships
Vacation, all I ever wanted
The Atlanta Journal-Constitution
In honor of our world traveler Bre, as well as spring break and summer in the air, today’s topic will be a fun one: vacation romances.
From summer camp smooching to hooking up with a hottie at Club Med, we’ve all had them. There’s something about being away from home, free from responsibility for a while, that just lets madness happen.
My most memorable vacation fling occurred when I was on a trip to California with a friend of mine. We were staying with another friend, and as soon as I met his roommate, sparks flew. I knew he was a total player, but since I was only going to be there for four days and probably never see him again, why not play along with his game? It’s not like we were going to have a relationship.
Sometimes you can meet people in really fun places on vacation and have great stories to tell: How often, in your normal life in Atlanta, do you get to say “Yeah, I ran into him snorkeling” or “She helped me rappel down a cliff”?
Then, there’s this site:
Atlanta’s airport being the hub that it is, perhaps this is an idea for anyone who needs a vacation fling!
Do y’all have any stories of vacation romances to share? Has a casual encounter on a trip ever carried over to a real relationship when you headed back home?
What is it about being away from home that can lead to love (or lust) connections?
Permalink | Comments (133) | Categories: Holidays
