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AJC.com > Living > Blog > Archives > 2006 > March
March 2006
Dating In Atlanta Is Like…
The Atlanta Journal-Constitution
The Atlanta dating game is like….well I think it slightly resembles football. Ok, I know that sounds weird but let me explain. I think a challenge of dating in Atlanta (well anywhere, really) is that you can’t always tell the players without a scorecard. A scorecard that shows you what a person’s true intentions are. Without a scorecard, you may not even know that you are part of the game at all. What kind of games are being played out on the Atlanta dating scene?
Well, according to my football-dating analogy, you can meet singles who play offense. They focus on scoring points to win the game, i.e. wedding ring, sex, attention or whatever they consider to be the big “score”. Then you have singles who are like wide receivers: frequently out on the dating scene to “catch a pass”. They really focus on garnering lots of attention and racking up phone numbers. I may be a wide receiver these days, but I am missing some passes on purpose!
Well, let’s face it, we are all players to some degree. It’s important to remember that we also make, break, and follow our own dating rules. Don’t hate the players and don’t hate the dating game. Just decide what you are comfortable with and go from there. If you try to have a positive attitude and follow your instincts, you can really enjoy dating for what it is: a process of elimination. You are finding what is most compatible to you and eliminating what isn’t.
My friend Sugar and Spice described single people as relationship athletes. Relationship athletes could be a couple who switched their focus from the main game, deciding to focus on a private game instead. I think this concept can also be applied to dating. In fact, I think this perfectly describes a lot of us on the dating scene right now. Especially those who develop a dating strategy. We have our playbooks ready and some of us are hoping to make it the championship. Ironically, in this context of dating, bigger is not better. I think that having a smaller playbook, with a really good sportsmanship section, can be the best dating strategy of all. Simple rules, little drama. No unnecessary roughness, avoid the incomplete passes, and reduce the number of play action passes, i.e. faking people out with dishonesty or misleading them. I suppose its blatantly obvious by now that I really, really miss football!
Are you a dating or relationship athlete?
Which position do you play in dating?
Can you think of another quirky analogy that describes the dating scene based on your observations or experiences?
Permalink | Comments (301) | Categories: Sports
A Male’s Guide to Marriage
The Atlanta Journal-Constitution
I attended a book club meeting recently which turned out to be a great way to mix and mingle with people who have similar interests. There was a diverse group of men, women, both single and married. I couldn’t help but notice that there may even be a few potential guys of interest!
The bookclub’s mix of male and female perspectives produced really interesting discussions on so many topics. A married man in the group jokingly suggested that the single women should stop reading women magazines and sappy romance novels and start paying attention to what real men are actually saying (read: complaining) about them. The discussion eventually shifted to the men in the group giving the male’s opinion on how to get married. This was basically a checklist of what they thought held women back from marriage, including the common mistakes that are made in dating. There were many do’s and don’ts for women who desire to be married. I may share a few sometime today. They made sure to say that this was according to their own experiences, likes, and dislikes. I was surprised about a few things, and not so surprised by others. I am prone to debate passionately on many topics, but this time I was extremely quiet - yes, I can do that from time to time! I basically came away with the realization that men and women view marriage very differently. Different expectations, different theories, different ideals, different everything, period. If you find a way to meet someone compatible, marry them and find a way make it work, you have defied a lot of odds!
Someone suggested a book by two men called, “Closing the Deal: Two Married Guys Take You from Single Miss to Wedded Bliss.” I haven’t read it but from what I gathered it talks about how women could benefit from learning to understand men. They also seem to think that marriage represents change to men. They suggest that women who want to be married should “close the deal” by showing men that married life won’t drastically alter their existence to something totally different. A new life that is filled with misery and mortgages. That sounds like a lot of work to me. Do women have to become PR agents for marriage?
Since our male readers are so insightful, diverse, and intelligent, I thought we could take advantage of the wisdom, opinions, and thoughts about what they think/feel is important for a woman to do if she wants to be married.
Can men really give women tips on how to get to married?
I would like the ladies to contribute their thoughts on what they think men would advise a single woman to do if she wants to be married. I am interested to see how the male and female perspectives align. Do women know what men want?
I already know that men and women sometimes think differently, and we each have our own communication styles. I just think that dialogue is needed to gain understanding!
Special thanks to Laney for covering the first part of the week for me!
Permalink | Comments (362) | Categories: Marriage
Settling or settling down?
The Atlanta Journal-Constitution
Last week, I had a couple of dates with a really fantastic new guy. I was quite excited about him and had a blast hanging out with him. But by the end of the week, it became clear that we needed to dial it back and just be friends.
Why? He made it clear from the very beginning that he wasn’t looking for something exclusive. And I am. Therefore, despite how much we admittedly enjoyed each other, we both felt like it didn’t seem possible to go on.
I’m not necessarily looking for something SERIOUS, but I do think it’s possible to find something casual and yet not have the person you are involved with hooking up with other people. For me, where I am in my life, I’m not comfortable with sharing. I’m not a jealous woman at all. And I’ve had good experiences with nonexclusive relationships; probably my longest relationship since moving to Atlanta was an ongoing situation with a guy who was actively involved with numerous other girls (and of course, I was free and open to date around as well.) It taught me a lot — helped me learn my limits, control my emotions, rein in any tendencies toward jealousy or possessiveness, see what things I could and couldn’t compromise on.
But though I feel like I’ve learned a lot from those type of relationship, I am ready to try something new. And obviously, if that wasn’t what this guy wanted, I wasn’t going to try to tie him down. I toyed with the idea of trying it anyway, but ultimately I felt that if two people are in different places, the future is going to be rocky at best. For me, the most critical element of a nonexclusive relationship is that both people be on the same page, no one wanting more or expecting more from the other, and that they be honest throughout regarding how comfortable they are with the situation.
In your view, did I make the right decision, or should I have tried to proceed anyway to see what would have happened?
I’d like you guys to share your experiences with nonexclusive relationships. Have they worked for you? What ground rules did you use to make sure no one got hurt? How would you compare what you learned from “playing the field” vs. being monogamous?
Permalink | Comments (220) | Categories: Matters of the Heart
Diamond envy
The Atlanta Journal-Constitution
This weekend, I had a fabulous girls-only weekend with three good friends who I have kept in touch with from my last job. We hit the spa, did lots of shopping, hiked, ate so much I thought we were going to burst…the usual girly fun time. It was just a complete blast. The only damper on the situation? Two of the women I was with are married, and one is engaged and actively planning her wedding in a few months.
So — yep. I was definitely the only single one in the group. And sometimes in that situation, it’s easy to feel left out., the plain one amid the sea of glittery left-hand rocks. When the other women are talking about their husbands/fiances, I don’t have anything to say. We talked about making our weekend getaway a yearly occasion, and they all wanted to bring their “other halves” next year — but I don’t have anyone to bring!
This kind of thing also rears its ugly head at dinner parties, for example, or other social occasions where you have to attend as a couple. Sometimes you may have a date to bring, sometimes not, and it’s easy to feel like the odd singleton out, as Bridget Jones would put it.
Do those of you who are single sometimes feel like an outsider in the world of couples? How do you deal with it? What situations are most difficult for you?
Those of you who are in serious relationships or married, do you ever make special effort to include single friends or alter couple-centric plans to accommodate them?
Permalink | Comments (283) | Categories: Marriage
Take a deep breath
The Atlanta Journal-Constitution
As you might imagine, one of the things that comes with writing this blog is dating — a lot. I try to be pretty proactive about seeking out opportunities and guys. How else would I come up with stories to tell y’all?
But sometimes, it makes me feel exhausted! I realized that in the past three weeks, between a bunch of dates, hanging out with my friends and other obligations, I have had approximately one night where I wasn’t working and stayed in and just had some me time. Although it’s fun and exciting, it concerns me a little bit — I wonder if I am pushing myself so hard that I am not really taking time to think about what it is I need in my life and want in a relationship.
Even though I have not been dating anyone seriously lately, the whole process is tiring. Finding prospects, figuring out how you feel, how the other person feels, deciding what to do, how to proceed… It’s a lot to deal with, emotionally, and even if it’s ultimately very rewarding, it’s a lot of work that sometimes can seem overwhelming.
But since I need to keep coming up with stories for you guys, I’ll maybe live vicariously here.
Tell me, have any of y’all taken an intentional break from dating? If so, what motivated it? How long was it? What did you learn from the time off from the game?
And if you don’t go so far as to put a moratorium on dating, how do you make sure you find enough time for yourself? How do you balance the need to “get out there” and the need to stay home and relax and get in touch with your own needs?
Permalink | Comments (223) | Categories: Matters of the Heart
Bittersweet chocolate
The Atlanta Journal-Constitution
I was at Cafe Intermezzo on my date the other night and it reminded me of a delightful story from about this time last year I was meaning to share with y’all.
I met a guy on match.com and was trying to coordinate a time to meet in person, but we were having a tough time getting our schedules together. Finally, we decided on brunch at Cafe Intermezzo on a Sunday…but then realized it was Easter Sunday! He asked me if I minded meeting in the afternoon on the holiday, and I said, jokingly, that the only thing it would do was keep me from eating Cadbury eggs.
So I met him. And the date just didn’t go well at all. I didn’t feel any chemistry, and the conversation felt forced and awkward. But he was nice enough. The final straw for me came when we went to order food. I ordered first and got a Belgian waffle, and he freaked out and said “I thought we were having lunch food?” I was like “Um…order whatever you want” and he panicked a bit and then finally said “I’ll have the same thing.” Not a good way to win my heart. Do whatever you want!
Anyway, then the piece de resistance to this whole awkward scenario…the waiter brought out our food, and mine was covered in Cadbury eggs. Melty, gooey Cadbury eggs, running all over my plate. My date had slipped them to the waiter and asked him to put them on my food. And I was so embarrassed, as the waiter was laughing at me as I scraped the melted chocolate off my ruined food and tried to eat it. I know my date was just trying to be sweet, and I appreciated the effort, but my goodness, it was a disaster — especially since I wasn’t into him!
So I ask you guys — have you ever had a romantic surprise backfire? Has someone ever done something for you that was meant to be sweet but ended up a total nightmare?
How do you handle it when you’re on a date and someone makes a gesture that’s clearly meant to be sweet, but just ends up freaking you out?
What is the most awkward moment you’ve ever had on a date? How did you handle that?
Permalink | Comments (296) | Categories: Dating
Nice guys finish first — at least right now.
The Atlanta Journal-Constitution
I had a very nice date Tuesday night. The guy in question was very different from most of the men I’ve been out with lately. Different in a lot of ways — but most prominently, he was a nice guy. A sweet, kind guy, who opened doors for me and gave me thoughtful compliments and just generally made me feel comfortable.
For most of my life, that would have bored me. I went for the bad boys. I’ve always liked guys who were smart and ambitious, but preferred ones who were edgy, dark, tortured or even a little bit rude.
Mr. Big, one of my more serious exes, is not generally known as a very nice guy. He was nice to me, but he’s a cutthroat businessman and not exactly a charmer. The fact that he was sweet to me anyway was somehow even more gratifying — like I had tamed him, or something? Probably not the healthiest way to think. And once I moved on to Starving Artist, who, despite his faults, is probably the best-hearted guy I know and genuinely knows how to treat a woman, there was no going back. Nothing makes you feel good like a guy who acts like you deserve only the best.
So, ladies, are you with my newly developed preference? Are the nice guys worth the lack of excitement? Maybe you’d like to argue that they are exciting even though they are nice? I could be persuaded of that pretty easily. Or do you prefer the ones who keep you waiting, keep you guessing, keep you intrigued and challenged and on your toes?
Guys, how about you? The sweet princess, or the wild woman?
Are there circumstances where your answers might change?
Permalink | Comments (253) | Categories: Matters of the Heart
Ex of a friend, friend of an ex?
The Atlanta Journal-Constitution
My friend Veronica reports that she and her coworkers were talking at lunch about how it’s nearly impossible to meet people outside of friends of a friend.
Maybe a slight exaggeration, but it’s definitely a good pool to work from.
What happens, though, when the friend through whom you meet a new prospect happens to be an ex-boyfriend or ex-girlfriend? What are the rules?
In high school and even in college, my group of friends was fairly small, and it wasn’t a huge deal to see partners get passed around. It always weirded me out a little bit, but I can see how it happened — when you have a group of singles of similar age and interests, it might not be that unusual for affections to transfer. So we’ve got someone who is an ex of your friend, and then there’s the other scenario: a friend of your ex. (Think for a second — they are different!) What if someone who you once dated introduces you to a buddy of his or hers who you think is cute? I have stayed friends with some of my past boyfriends, and when we hang out, sometimes other people enter the picture.
Ladies, would you ever date a boy who had been serious with one of your female friends? How about a guy who is friends with a former boyfriend of yours?
It seems like it’s slightly less of a big deal for guys to share girls — is this true? Guys, does it bother you if a buddy picks up a chick you have been with?
Does it matter how long they dated or how long you were with your ex? If my friend went on two dates with a guy and it didn’t work out, I might consider it. But if they were together for years or even months, it’s far less likely I’d move in on it.
I admit that I have a double standard. I would never date someone who was serious with one of my girlfriends, but I would probably go out with one of my ex-boyfriends’ friends. I think it’s a girl code thing; I feel much more loyal to my female friends than my past boyfriends.
If you do develop interest in someone who has been involved with a friend of yours in the past, do you feel like you should ask your friend’s permission? Are you obligated to do so, or is it just courtesy? If they said they weren’t comfortable with it, would you walk away?
Permalink | Comments (299) | Categories: Dating
The things we carry
The Atlanta Journal-Constitution
There are a lot of things that aren’t fun about the end of a relationship. Specifically, well, pretty much everything.
But one thing that is a particular pain in the behind is the Exchange of Stuff. You know how it goes. You have to hang out one last time and hand over all the reminders of the relationship, things you thought you’d hang onto forever, and keep yourself from throwing it at the other person.
Sometimes, it can be an OK thing to do for closure. It took me a long time to feel ready to see Starving Artist after our breakup, but when I had a friend coming into town, I had to get my keys back from him, and forcing myself to see him ended up being a good step in the right direction for us becoming friends.
But right now, I am faced with a delightful dilemma. MySpace Boy vanished off the face of the planet after our first date — which, y’know, I was pretty much OK with after that weird nude photo behavior. I wasn’t really sure I wanted to see him again either. But on said date, I borrowed a book from him. And I’m kind of thinking…if he can’t even be bothered to email or call to tell me he’s not interested in hanging out again, am I obligated to hunt him down to return it? Is the impetus on him or me to initiate contact to return it, or is this just something he has to chalk up to a hidden cost of dating?
I still have a T-shirt that belonged to my high school sweetheart, even years later. When we were at opposite ends of the country at college, I slept in it. When we broke up, he never asked for it back. And though it’s been years and years and it doesn’t have that sentimental meaning anymore, I can’t imagine ever throwing it out.
Have any of you ever kept reminders of your exes, either on purpose or by circumstance? What did you hold onto, and why? Do you have exes out there who still have something of yours, and it kind of bugs you, even ages later?
Permalink | Comments (227) | Categories: Relationships
The great divide
The Atlanta Journal-Constitution
This weekend, I went out on both Friday and Saturday night. On Friday, I went to see a musician friend perform at an Irish pub in Cartersville, and on Saturday, I checked out some of Midtown’s finest offerings, specifically dinner at One Midtown Kitchen and dancing at Wetbar.
What I just couldn’t get over was how completely different the two situations felt. Obviously, we were at different types of bars. But I don’t think we would have been able to find comparable activities in Cartersville even if we tried. Driving around, we didn’t see a single other open bar or restaurant other than the ones we went to. I am pretty sure they don’t have a dance club at all out there, let alone a predominantly gay one or one with professional DJs. The crowd was of course much different in the ‘burbs: much older, dressed completely differently (we spotted cowboy hats and everything)! And, of course, it was a long commute from the city to get out there.
It got me thinking. Since I moved to Atlanta, I’ve had two boyfriends who lived OTP. In both cases, I virtually never went to where they lived — both of them, one in Gwinnett County and one in Henry County, insisted there was nothing to do where they were and they would come intown where I live. Plus, it meant a 30-minute commute on either end of our dates, unless we met in the middle somewhere for some reason.
So I wonder — for those of you who live OTP, do you find it affects your dating life? Is there in fact less to do in the suburbs? Do you have trouble meeting people if you live out there?
For everyone, would you consider dating someone who lived OTP if you lived intown and vice versa, knowing it would mean more coordination and a long drive? Do you feel that the dating scenes are different in the city and outside it, or are we all really just Atlantans?
I realize not all of y’all live in the ATL, so I apologize to my out-of-town readers in advance, but I do like to keep things local once in a while. For those of you who aren’t from these parts, feel free to comment generally or talk about the urban/nonurban divide in your area!
Permalink | Comments (153) | Categories: Dating
No Strings (Fancy Free)
The Atlanta Journal-Constitution
I wake up every morning with a smile on my face
Everything in its place as it should be
I start out every morning just as free as the breeze
My cares upon the shelf
Because I find myself with
No strings and no connections
No ties to my affections
I’m fancy free and free for anything fancy
No dates that can’t be broken
No words that can’t be spoken
Especially when I am feeling romancy
Like a robin upon a tree
Like a sailor that goes to sea
Like an unwritten melody
I’m free, that’s me
So bring on the big attraction
My decks are cleared for action
I’m fancy free and free for anything fancy
l love hearing Ella Fitzgerald’s recording of this song. I don’t think Ella was singing about modern day, no strings happiness though. These days “no strings attached” relationships have become the norm. Some people simply prefer it this way because it is a lot less complicated. Sex is easy, love is hard, right? Well, I think people forget that you will always have the potential for strings to attach themselves through circumstances. Strings such as more intense emotions than the other person, risk of STDs, unplanned pregnancies, stalkers, drama from the other person’s rotation, or resentment. You are taking a risk for just about anything because you can’t control another person’s behavior. Let’s just face it, sex can change the dynamics and cloud your judgment.
I ran into a guy I used to know and he hinted that he would like to rekindle our flame, so to speak. I told him that I was in a different place and preferred not to be intimate with someone I wasn’t in love with. I thought he would scoff or ridicule me. Surprisingly enough, he commended me and said he understood my reasons. He wants to keep in contact and hang out again. The dilemma I have is that our entire fling was empty, yet hot and passionate fooling around. Beyond that, I had never given any honest thought to what would happen if we actually dated. He could potentially be more temptation because we already have a history of strong attraction. I don’t know if I should politely say no to avoid him or if I should just suck it up and be his buddy, without the booty. I can’t help but wonder if he wants to spend time with me to wear me down or if he really could be respectful of my feelings. There goes the gender distrust again. I guess time will tell. If you have a friend that you are strongly attracted to, is it best to cure your love jones before you attempt to spend time with them? Maybe I could restrict my contact with him to daytime hours. In a public place, with a chaperone. You know, just to be safe?
If you prefer a no strings attached relationship, what are the code of ethics involved?
Is there an expiration date for no strings attached relationships?
I would like to invite any silent readers, lurkers, and new bloggers to join in the discussion and say hello!
Welcome back all weekly, daily, monthly commenters. I appreciate you guys for stopping in each week. You certainly help me get through my work day. Everyone have a wonderful weekend.
Permalink | Comments (326) | Categories: Mix & Mingle
Just One Night
The Atlanta Journal-Constitution
Utah Jazz player Andrei Kirilenko told ESPN magazine that his wife of six years allows him to have one night with a woman a year - as long as she knows about it. Kirilenko admits that his wife’s suggestion was a surprise to him and said that he didn’t plan to do anything. His wife, Masha Lopatova, is also from Russia where she is a famous pop star. She is comfortable with being in the public eye and it didn’t seem to bother her to talk about their marriage so openly because her “whole life is on the surface”.
Mrs. Kirilenko feels that if she knows her husband’s “night out”, then it’s not cheating. She feels that by sanctioning a tryst with another woman, she is curbing any urges he may have to seek out many women. Her logic is that he would already have so many temptations as an NBA player, it would be unrealistic to expect him to resist them. She is quoted saying “What’s forbidden is always desirable. And athletes, particularly men, are susceptible to all the things they are offered”. Mrs. Kirilenko didn’t want to have a similar allowance from her husband. I suppose she thinks that women have no problem curbing their appetite?
When I talked to a few male friends about this article, I received mixed feedback. David Horton, a 30-something published author, said this makes sense because “Men are conquerors”. He thinks that the Kirilenko arrangement would be ideal for him. He thinks most men would love this kind of setup.
My friend Jackson, a 26 year old hip hop columnist, thinks Mrs. Kirilenko shouldn’t be trusted. He said, “What woman in her right mind would justify this to herself? And what woman REALLY believes that ONE additional woman would curb his appetite for new snickerdoodle?
He also calls a foul (pun intented) on her terms: “This is a psychological mind game his wife is playing. One per year? That isn’t fair. That’s too much calculating and decision making for him to go through. He’ll combust just trying to make sure he isn’t missing out on Jennifer Love-Hewitt or Natalie Portman when he decides to sleep with Lindsay Lohan.” Hilarious, Jackson cracks me up.
Men, do you agree with Jackson or Horton?
If a woman knows about the affair, is it still cheating?
Ladies would you offer one night to your man if you were married? What if it was someone you are dating?
I wonder if professional athletes will use Mrs. Kirilenko as an example to score one night out on their wives or girlfriends? Yeah. Good luck with that one, buddy.
Permalink | Comments (318) | Categories: Sports
Cater 2 U (terus)
The Atlanta Journal-Constitution
Modern day relationships have become a hodgepodge of dating, relating and mating. There are hook-ups, one-night stands, speed dating, online dating, blind dating, monogamous relationships, cohabitation, swingers, serial daters, friends with benefits, and booty calls, and - well you get the picture! Did I cover all the bases? If you add an unplanned pregnancy to the mix, things can get downright agonizing. It’s complicated and confusing at times, to say the least.
As if that isn’t enough to contend with, now a fear of litigation has become an issue. A lawsuit has just been filed by the National Center for Men, on a behalf of a man who says his ex-girlfriend had his child after telling him she could not get pregnant. She was told she had a physical condition and she was also using birth control for backup. When she discovered she was pregnant, she refused to terminate the pregnancy, choosing to have the little girl, much to his dismay. He was ordered to pay $500 for child support by the court. He doesn’t think that he should be forced to pay because she knew that he didn’t want any children. He doesn’t feel as if he should be held financially responsible for child at all. According to the Associated Press, the man’s rights group is calling the lawsuit ” Roe vs. Wade for Men”. Although they don’t expect to win, they think the debate should raise awareness on important issues for men’s rights. They believe that men should have a right to decide whether he wants to be a father, just as a woman has the right to decide if she wants to be a mother (well, unless you live in South Dakota).
Many of our existing laws cater to a woman’s rights, do you think a man’s rights should be addressed too?
If there are more cases like this, do you think there will come a time when a woman could be ordered to give birth against her will if a man decided he really wanted to have a child?
Permalink | Comments (248) | Categories: Current Events
Dating: A Matter of Economics?
The Atlanta Journal-Constitution
Dating in Atlanta can be expensive! Whether you are out with your friends looking for prospective dates, or shelling out money to impress a date, the cost of dating can be high. I was talking to a male friend of mine about the costs involved with dating. He has decided to change up his spending habits on dates because he thinks he has been too generous, with “nothing to show” for it. He asked me if I had ideas on how to impress a quality woman without going broke. As we talked about fun, low-cost ideas to romance his lady friends, he wondered if he would find it harder to keep a woman’s interest with a smaller budget. This surprised me because my friend is young, handsome, fun to be around, and extremely intelligent. Why would he be worried about ladies that frown at his frugality? The ideas we were coming up with all were sophisticated, unique, and fun. Just because they didn’t cost a lot of money doesn’t mean they couldn’t impress the right woman. He thinks that dating is viewed differently by men than women. According to him, a guy’s perception of dating a woman is less like a system of exchange and more like a direct purchase.
A direct purchase, really? Do most men feel as if they have to purchase a date?
He said that men pay most of the costs incurred while dating, especially in the beginning. In return, they receive time, attention, and sometimes sex. I can only imagine what he thinks about marriage! Forget Desperate Housewives, call them Desperate Hookers!?
He thinks that many people define men by their wallet size, and like many other things, size matters. He said that “money and power means respect”. He just wants to get the respect he wants without losing all his money! We debated back and forth about this because I thought that in dating, companionship is offered by both men and women. He argued that men are expected and obligated to open their wallets, really wide. So men become like “power brokers” in the dating world. I don’t know about men having all the “power” in dating. I always thought that power struggles belonged in politics and business, not on the dating scene. What do you think? Is dating too centered on economics?
Do you think that our modern dating rituals have become simple economical propositions?
Do men often concern themselves with spending too much money on women?
Do you think that single people worry too much about the “return on investment” when they are dating someone new?
Permalink | Comments (370) | Categories: Dating
Runaway Dater
The Atlanta Journal-Constitution
The runaway bride has nothing on me these days. I have been called the runaway dater. My dates have been reduced to quick dinners after work, or Sunday brunches. I only allot a certain amount of time for dates lately. Busy schedules can surely create a hurdle for someone who wants to stay active on the dating scene. I didn’t realize that I was “dating on the run” until “Rod” complained about my tendency to “pencil him in” around other things that I have going on. He said it facetiously, but I realized that a lot of guys have made similar remarks about my availability to date lately. I admit that dating hasn’t been a top priority. It seems to be a fun thing I do to take my mind off of work and graduate school. I thought that my attention span was such that I could devote time and attention to whomever wanted to spend time with me. I realize now that I haven’t given it my full attention and that is not likely to change in the coming weeks.
I met Rod a few months ago while we were standing in line at the bank. He travels with his job at least three days a week as a regional asset protection manager. He said that although he travels a lot, I seem to be the one with the busier schedule. He told me that he is starting to wonder if I am either married, not truly interested, or if I am stringing him along. The truth is I don’t know for sure if we are a good match or not. Since our schedules are conflicting (moreso my schedule), I can’t make an accurate assessment just yet. Rod told me that he hasn’t had any complaints about his extensive traveling in the past because most women were available to see him when he got back into town. I thought he would be understanding about dating someone with a busy schedule. I told him that my restricted free time won’t last forever. He remarked that he could “wait” on me if he had to - how sweet? - but he thought that we would have had a second date by now. I promised him some free time during spring break. After we hung up, I wanted to call back and ask him, if men preferred to date women with lots of free time that were generally more accessible? What about single parents how do they juggle dating with limited free time?
Dating on the run has become the norm In our postmodern society. Perhaps this is why technology has drastically changed the dating scene and how we communicate with each other. We text message, instant message, email, blog, and even find dates online. It seems as if our dating habits are becoming more convenient, but somewhat one-dimensional. Do you think today’s technology has been helpful or has it hindered how we interact in the dating world?
Do you ever feel as if you are dating on the run? How do we find the time to date when our schedules are so busy?
I think dating on the run has its perks. You have to find ways to spend time with each other, which means there is more genuine effort. You lengthen the exploration phase because you aren’t around each other all the time. Technology adds a twist to flirting. Have you ever flirted via instant messenger? What about fun text messages? It really can be quite fun. I just think we have to keep in mind that technology should enhance, not replace quality interaction in dating. You don’t want to send the wrong message, literally or figuratively. Always make sure you are sending your message to the right person (I know that may seem like a no-brainer, but I am sure it happens a lot). NEVER ask someone out on email, instant or text message, especially if it’s your first date. It’s nice to know that someone took the effort to actually pick up a phone to ask you out. Dating on the run shouldn’t include drive-by dating either. If you can’t set aside at least one hour to spend with someone, just reschedule for another day. Call it the the new postmodern dating etiquette. As we learn to live with the technology that makes our lives so efficient, we need to remember that it won’t replace thoughtfulness.
Can you think of any dating etiquette tips for singles dating on the run?
If you are part of a couple, do you use technology such as text or instant messaging, or email as a way to connect emotionally?
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When Laney met…well, just about anyone.
The Atlanta Journal-Constitution
You all know the “When Harry Met Sally” question — can men and women ever be friends without it turning into something more?
I don’t have an answer to that one, and I’m not sure that it’s the same for everyone. But I started thinking about this the last week that I was writing, when we were talking about men picking up the tab at restaurants. Several of you male readers mentioned that you would buy lunch for a female coworker, friend or acquaintance. It occurred to me that in a lot of ways, people definitely treat their opposite-sex friends differently than their same-sex buddies, and I wonder if this contributes to the dilemma.
When I’m watching a movie with a guy — even one who’s just a friend or even gay — I may lean up against him or snuggle with him. I wouldn’t do that with a girl. I’m more likely to offer a male friend a backrub (or accept one) than I would with a gal pal. A male friend will practice traditionally “datelike” chivalrous behavior sometimes when we hang out, like opening doors or offering me a seat on the subway or offering me a jacket if it’s cold out. Are these gender roles so ingrained that it sometimes causes us to blur the line between friends and lovers? Should we be more careful about how we act?
I definitely have conversations with both male and female friends about sex, including fantasies, turn-ons, etc. If I’m having that conversation with a guy, could it be construed as flirting just because it’s a guy and a girl talking about sex? A lot of times, it IS flirting. And flirting is fun, especially when it’s safe and there’s no chance of rejection. It’s flattering to both parties. So is it bad to flirt with a male friend if you have no intention of it ever turning into something more? Can you do that without being seen as a tease, if you are confident that you guys are “just friends”? How can you be sure you’re on the same page?
I also realized that some of the behaviors I would defend up and down as innocent — things as simple as dancing close with a guy friend at a club or asking him how my butt looks in these new jeans — are things that I probably wouldn’t do if I was in a relationship or my male friend was. Does that mean I shouldn’t be doing them even if we’re both single?
Lots to discuss there. Have at it, my aspiring gender sociologists.
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The ring’s the thing
The Atlanta Journal-Constitution
When I first moved to Atlanta, I found a strange thing happening to me. Instead of checking out a guy’s eyes, or arms, or even butt, my eyes went straight to one particular area — his left hand.
Specifically, that band of gold hanging out on the ring finger, or lack thereof.
Being from up north, where people generally get married a little bit older, I’m not used to having guys my age already being hitched, like so many cuties are down here. But nothing will stop me in the middle of trying to run game like seeing a guy with a wedding band. Even if he’s solo that night, I’m headed the other way — so it’s important to check out the ring situation before I even say hi. Why waste my time?
But when there’s no ring — or even if there is — things can be a little murkier. On a reasonably frequent basis, guys will come up and start talking to me, and then reveal they have a girlfriend or wife. This happened the other day when I was out walking my dog; this gorgeous guy came up and started chatting me up and playing with the pup, and I talked to him for 10 minutes before I realized he had a wedding band on. I’ll be out with a guy, and another guy will come up and start hitting on me right in front of my date. I have a friend who has a whole collection of sparkly rocks on her hand, and she said it doesn’t deter the guys — even when she’s out with her husband! What’s the deal? Why do married guys want to hit on me, or single guys want to hit on her?
I need an explanation, folks. Is a gold band an automatic red flag for you? Would you ever knowingly hit on a member of the opposite sex who was involved with someone else — and does it matter to you if they’re just dating someone else or if they’re married?
Is just flirting with a married guy/girl unacceptable? Some people say flirting with others makes them appreciate what they have at home. Or if you’re out with someone and another person approaches you, do you maybe flirt back to make your partner jealous?
Have you ever been hit on while you’re out with someone, and how did you (or they!) handle it? What do you do when your suitor won’t take “I’m married” or “I’m seeing someone” for an answer?
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Flipping the switch
The Atlanta Journal-Constitution
So tonight on the FX network is the premiere of a new show. Perhaps y’all have heard something about it — it’s called “Black.White” and the premise is simple: Two families, one white, one black, are given elaborate makeup jobs and asked to live in the other group’s situation for a certain amount of time.
The show has gotten its fair share of controversy and pre-release publicity, and many people are wondering how sensitively it will handle many of the issues innate in dealing with race in such a manner. But to me, the most interesting aspect of the show is what the participants will find to be the little things they didn’t expect to be different in everyday life, the places where their perspective is different and they didn’t even think about it.
I think dating could be one of those areas. Most of us are so concerned with the struggles we face in trying to find the One that we rarely consider how different aspects of society that don’t affect us personally might change the equation.
So here’s a fun fantasy question for y’all today: If you could switch places with one person or type of person to experience dating from their perspective, who would it be? Would you try to get inside the head of a member of the opposite gender? See what it’s like to date as a member of a different race, religion or culture? Try out the dating scene in a different city — New York, San Francisco, Miami, Paris, Tokyo? Is there a particular celebrity you’d love to switch places with for a certain reason?
What do you think you might learn from this experiment? What would you want to experience?
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Baring your soul (or whatever else)
The Atlanta Journal-Constitution
Because I love y’all and it is my duty to amuse you, I have one heck of a story for you today.
So, you remember MySpace Boy? Finest thing on two feet, but we couldn’t ever get our schedules together to go out? Well, I was talking to him last week, and he was apologizing again for all the things that have come up. As usual, he decided to try to tantalize me into thinking about what I was missing by sending me some pictures of himself looking cute. This time, however, he tossed in a shirtless shot…and rawr. This boy is awfully good looking, to say the least.
I expressed my gratitude, and he responded by saying “Wanna see more?” I laughed and said no, not right now, thanks. But sure enough, when I next turn on my computer at home…guess what he’s sent me? Full. Frontal. Nudity.
Who does that? REALLY. Aaaaahhhhh!
I should say for the record that MSB is actually a sweet guy — soft-spoken, smart, even if perhaps he’s a bit flaky. So I was even more taken aback by this gesture! Well, I guess he did succeed in getting my attention — although I was not quite sure he was entirely sane, but attention nonetheless.
So, if you guys have stopped laughing and shaking your heads, I want to hear it from you: What’s the most ridiculous thing someone ever did to try to impress you? What’s the most outrageous thing you did to get someone’s attention? Do these tactics work, or is it better just to take it slow and steady (and normal)?
Keep it clean (as always), but I want to hear some good ones.
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Living single
The Atlanta Journal-Constitution
Last week, I was having dinner with three of my girlfriends — three absolutely gorgeous, intelligent, charming women with great educations and fabulous career plans. All four of us are single. And all four of us sat there talking about how we are resigned to the idea that we will stay that way. My love life is often rocky these days, and it can be so frustrating and discouraging.
I’m pretty sure we’re wrong; really, I am. These are fabulous women, and the fact that we can’t find men just means that it is THEIR loss. But just in case we aren’t: Girls, this is for you. Today, I’d like to discuss all the great things about being single.
To get you started:
You can go out with your friends any time. The biggest advantage, I think. You can talk about anything, go anywhere, anytime, and there’s no need to clear it with anyone. You can go to bed when you want, eat what you want, wear what you want.
You can flirt with cute strangers and get an ego boost with no consequences.
No torturous moments spent waiting for calls, wondering if the person you met will contact you again, wondering if they like you as much as you like them.
You don’t have to worry about buying gifts, spending money on anniversaries or planning special outings. Or even the money and energy you’d spend on regular dates.
And if I need cuddles and there’s no man around — I do have an adorable puppy and a beautiful cat, and they never say no to a snuggle.
OK. Singles out there, add to my list. And those of you who are in a relationship or married, what do you miss about the single life?
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The Chick Whisperer
The Atlanta Journal-Constitution
Single women in Atlanta are beautiful, sharp, and clever. They can also be difficult to approach at times. A lot of my male friends say that there are so many women with negative attitudes, rude behavior, and some have way too much “spice” for their taste. I consider myself to be a friendly and flirtatious person for the most part. I can admit that if a guy has an air of arrogance that surpasses confidence, I can become antagonistic. Only when I am provoked though! I think that single women often try to weed out guys that try to hit on them in a sleazy way. I have to wonder why men won’t tweak their own attitudes to get better responses from the women they approach. Laney covered all the pick-up artists that we can encounter so you can imagine how bad it can get!
I read somewhere that dating is like getting a degree in human behavior and mating rituals. For instance, some men consider their propensity to behave like a jerk, insult women, or challenge her as a tried and true wooing technique. Now to some degree, it can be effective because some women love the verbal sparring, mental stimulation, and sexual tension that can build from that type of interaction. It’s not unlike the fascinating exchange between Katharine Hepburn and Spencer Tracy in many of their films. It makes sense that their on-screen chemistry was partly attributed to their own private romance off-screen. They are one of the best on-screen couples in film!
I met the most interesting guy at a play last weekend. He sort of took me by surprise with his ability to speak, listen, and respond to my strong personality with so much charisma. He didn’t cut me off, he listened intently, and he respectfully disagreed without being condescending. Eureka! This guy was a CHICK WHISPERER!
What is a chick whisperer exactly? Well it is NOT a guy of the “Wedding Crasher” variety. Let me break it down for you!
A Chick Whisperer, like a horse whisperer, knows how to communicate using respect, gentleness, and firmness to gain the confidence of a woman. Sometimes, these are women who have been traumatized before, perhaps by some jacka uh, I mean, some man. They start to become somewhat jaded and cynical. I know you may be thinking: women compared to wild horses is not exactly politically correct. Well, maybe not, but I think it accurately describes how some men think that strong women should be, well.. tamed and trained. Hey if the guys can be called dogs, a horse isn’t so bad, right?
I remember an episode from Sex and The City that illustrated this concept. Carrie felt as if Mr. Big preferred to be with a woman who was more demure, amenable, and quiet. She thought this was the reason why their relationship didn’t last. Of course, her girlfriends supported this notion, and they used the film, The Way We Were as an example. The logic was that for some men, it is easier to be with a woman who didn’t challenge him too much. Someone with whom the relationship would not require work. So Carrie divided women into “Katy Girls” (strong-willed) and “Others” (demure). A Chick Whisperer would be proficient in the language of love and is capable of relating to a Katy Girl.
Should single men aim to be Chick Whisperers?
Do you think it could change how we mix and mingle on a dating scene that is filled with professional, smart, and strong-willed women?
Should single women become Guy Whisperers for the type of guys that are extremely confident or slightly arrogant?
In relationships, do couples relate to one another using this same concept?
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Breaking The Rules Of Attraction
The Atlanta Journal-Constitution
We have covered a wide range of dating issues this week! I have enjoyed the dialogue very much and I wanted to talk more about what limits our potential dating options. I think we all can agree that we like what we like, even if we don’t acknowledge why we have the preferences that we do. I think it is important to examine what appeals to us and how it shapes and molds our own idea about who we identify as a potential dating prospect.
If anyone were to see pictures of my ex-boyfriends (tucked safely away in a drawer, not sitting on my table in a shrine), there would be very few physical similiarities. I have an affinity for intellectual, and geeky guys that are into science like me. However, I have only dated one scientist and we clashed on many things. Even though there was no love connection with him, I am always open to the geeky, cerebral types. I think I have dated attractive men, but I am not sure if they would be considered attractive by society’s standards. Physical attraction in a relationship is important, but it definitely shouldn’t end there, especially if you want something meaningful.
The so-called rules of attraction should not be defined or explained by society’s objective standards of physical beauty; but ask any single person on the dating scene, and they could tell you that the people who appear most successful in dating are either powerful, wealthy, or extremely attractive. These are the type of people that garner attention quicker. It’s not just the males who are often considered visual creatures anymore. Women are just as vocal about what attracts them these days too. The ladies also have a clear idea of what catches their eye and can quickly determine if a guy is her forte.
Do you think that men and women place a different priority on physical attraction, chemistry, intellect or other attributes?
It could be difficult to challenge what we are naturally attracted to, but do you think that we limit ourselves when we adhere to strict rules of attraction?
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Leaving Your Comfort Zone
The Atlanta Journal-Constitution
Yesterday we discussed Pride and Prejudice. Today I wanted to address these two issues and the limiting impact they both can have on dating. The movie Something New spurred many debates and caused quite a stir, especially among my girlfriends and me. The reactions to the film were as diverse as my circle of friends. I think the film addressed something that single people face in dating. It illustrated what could happen if you decide to leave your comfort zone and think outside the box when it comes to dating.
Which box? Check one: race, age, height, weight, salary range, socio-economic class, and I could go on. You name the “box” and we probably have the corresponding mental checklists that navigate us like a compass. I wonder if this is the only way to reach compatibility?
Some of us have a specific type of person we want to end up with because we have these preconceived notions about what we think will make us happy. In the film, Kenya remarks “No offense, but I prefer brothers” and dismissed her blind date without much discussion. Later, she met the “good on paper” man and expected him to be a perfect fit because they were of the same race. I think that was one message that I got from the film. Will the person who fits the “box” guarantee to be a good fit?
My friend Holly is from the Midwest and she is dating a guy from India. They seem blissfully happy after nine months of dating. She said that despite their completely different backgrounds, they have a lot in common such as humor and wit, just to name a few. Dating him has opened her eyes to so much and she has learned a lot about herself. Despite the occasional cultural misunderstandings, she has no regrets. Why should she? She tried something new and different and it is working for her.
Do you think it’s possible that someone outside your “box” can turn out to be your soulmate?
As Atlanta continues to grow and become more diverse, will more singles widen their dating pool to experience “something new”?
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