Atlanta Metro News

June 21, 2005 08:26 AM | Link to this

Good Morning Fam. Getting over it doesn’t have to be in a negative sense. It’s really about facing your fears, dealing with them, and finally releaseing the aggression from that fear. When you get over it, your happier b/c that’s one less thing to bog and or bring you down.

June 21, 2005 08:41 AM | Link to this

Please excuse the reference to “it” but this is the only way I could address persons and events in one word. The amount of greif you have can depend on many things some of the top items on my list are:

How close the “it” was to you.

If you could have prevented “it” from happening

If you had a previous event that may have causes other problems related to “it” that were never cleared up.

Your age and maturity level when “it” happened.

Other factors, people, or needs that require you to recover immdeiately.

People may not get over things not only because of greif or aggression, but unanswered questions, and a feeling of hopelessness can all lead to long term issues related to some event.

I have had plenty of tragic and almost tragic events to affect my life, and each one has its own set of factors that can determine how long it takes to get over something. The real problem many people have with dealing with things is ths “should have/ could have” syndrome. I think that in most cases folks who have a handle on the fact that things that happened in the past can not be changed can get over things somewhat faster than those who dwell on the things that could have happened but did not.

By BlackIce

June 21, 2005 08:43 AM | Link to this

Good Morning

I hate that expression too but I sometimes I say it in love. Like when one of my gfs are whining about one thing or another (cause I hate whiners!) I tell them and Ieven say this to my teen: if you are not going to do anything about why you are feeling a certain way don’t whine and complain about it.

Like you said MIA some things take far more time to “get over” than others, death molestation, rape or any violent act.

Getting over it is not always negative

Morning Miss Understood

June 21, 2005 08:50 AM | Link to this

Good Morning Ice, how are u?

By Sunnie

June 21, 2005 09:02 AM | Link to this

Good Morning Bloggers..No comment on said topic but MIA I was reading your whats right & Not Right with Mia & you are not alone…we see eye to eye on some things you said…

have a great day!!!

By KIR

June 21, 2005 09:04 AM | Link to this

Good Morning, All! Interesting topic…I will have to do some thinking on this one. But I will say, getting over it is easier said than done. Like EPO posted it depends on what “it” is. It can be healthy to take time and grieve, but a point does come that life must go on. Mia I am glad you found your dad’s grave and that you have been able to come to a good place in that process.

By csc

June 21, 2005 09:08 AM | Link to this

i have come to terms with the fact that there is a lot that i have to come to terms with…

By Longtime Lurker

June 21, 2005 09:08 AM | Link to this

I have been in Lurkersville for a while…well over a year maybe two..when did the blog start b/c I swear I have been reading since the beginning. Anyway, this topic touched me. I was a victim of child molestation at an early age and it took me nearly all of my life to come to terms with it. I was very depressed for most of my life and did not know why. It was only when I reached my adulthood and sought out counseling that I was able to come to terms with something that I did not even realize had affected practically my entire life. Each person comes to terms with things in his/her own time, maybe a day….maybe a lifetime. One thing that I do know is that you can never come to terms with something if you don’t deal with it.

By csc

June 21, 2005 09:12 AM | Link to this

can you come to terms with something and not get over it at the same time?

By KIR

June 21, 2005 09:15 AM | Link to this

Welcome to the blog LongtimeLurker and thanks for sharing your story.

June 21, 2005 09:17 AM | Link to this

@Mia….yes it can take awhile, because i am still dealing with the things i have done or seen in the military…good topic, it has taken me 9years just to relax and enjoy life…for a long time i was stuck in combat mode…lol

By justin_blk

June 21, 2005 09:18 AM | Link to this

morning blog! I have had life changing events and getting over it is not what I consider the remedy to the issue. I had to find peace within myself and that these are things I can’t change. Not be bitter but have forgiveness in my heart but never forget. That’s was how I was able to move on. The event I’m speaking of are my father (who is alive not taking the time to be in my live for the past 18 years). He worked a mile from where I lived. All he did was lie to me. All I wanted was some lil time with him and I got none my parents divorced when I was 8. No dad since. I do remember a few times we spent up to that point. There is still a wall between us and I want to reach out…The other is my daugher who is 8 now going through the same thing but not with me…its her Mom. I have her and her Mom is doing the disappearing act. its like a cycle repeating itself. I can’t force her to be a Mom or spend time with her I can only be there for support.

June 21, 2005 09:19 AM | Link to this

csc I think you can, coming to terms (at least in my mind) means that you step up to face whatever “it” is. Getting over “it” means you successfully have reached a point where “it” is no longer a problem for you. You can come to terms with an issue many times, but your plan to get over “it” may not work, therefore you may have to come to terms with “it” again until you finally win the battle.

A lot of times we think we have beat something only to have it come back stronger than before. When this happens we have to re evaluate what we think are the facts of the situation and try to figure out another way to win.

June 21, 2005 09:23 AM | Link to this

@Just_b, i can feel you with the absent father

By csc

June 21, 2005 09:24 AM | Link to this

epo…that’s exactly what i was thinking…

June 21, 2005 09:26 AM | Link to this

i can’t believe that i was the first commenter today. lol

it’s a mental game and u have to learn how to out think the problem.

By Ivy

June 21, 2005 09:28 AM | Link to this

Morning, everyone!

Powerful topic, Mia. My brain’s not functioning well enough quite yet to deal w/ this topic; however, I’m sure a lot of bloggers and lurkers alike can benefit from it’s discussion. Be back in a moment…..gone to get some coffee.

June 21, 2005 09:30 AM | Link to this

Hey Marine despite u still became the wonderful man that u are and that little one is blessed to have u influence his/her life.

By MsK

June 21, 2005 09:31 AM | Link to this

Good morning. Very deep topic today Mia.

I think I am coming to terms with my divorce. It is still hard sometimes do deal with the failed marriage. Today would have been my anniversary. So I woke up feeling a little blue.

By csc

June 21, 2005 09:33 AM | Link to this

justin…marine…feeling you on the ‘absent’ father thing…in fact…it was what i was thinking about when i posted my question about coming to terms with something but not getting over it…

June 21, 2005 09:36 AM | Link to this

@MsK..sorry to hear that, but it just gives you an oppurnity to present the next lucky gentleman and experience of his life….that being meeting his soulmate…keep your head up sis

By Ignatius

June 21, 2005 09:37 AM | Link to this

@EPO - Great post! I think we dwell on coming to terms or resolving primarily the negative events that have happened to us in our lives. Each of us has our stories to tell, each of us has had bad things happen, tragic events, painful losses. We work through them, we try and learn from them. At some of the darkest times in my life, I have found that if I try and resolve or justify at least one good thing that has happened to me for eevry bad thing that has happened that all in all, I have very little to complain about. The universe is balanced, there are theories for every action, there is an opposite and equal reaction. I think that holds true in our lives also. You all have a great day.

By Ivy

June 21, 2005 09:39 AM | Link to this

EPO, very intelligent answer to C’s question…..and so true.

June 21, 2005 09:40 AM | Link to this

aaahhh, MsK, been there a couple times, it gets better.

LOL @ *CSC, getting up in front of the group and going “Hi, my name is CSC, and I am a term termer”…LOL

Good Morning ALL,

Too much I have come to terms with to mention. “Coming to terms” to me means acceptance. Does not mean we like the resolution, but to paraphrase Ignatius’s Popeye comment yesterday, “it is what it is”. Alot of peace in acceptance.

By KIR

June 21, 2005 09:41 AM | Link to this

Sending hugs to you MsK :)

June 21, 2005 09:42 AM | Link to this

@CSC…i think i have discussed this b4 with you guys…the absent father thing is something i will probably take to the grave, because i can’t love somebody that had no love for me..he died tommorrow and somebody told me…i would be like, ok….i don’t know the cat…i am 32 and i have no memories of him…he left when i was 4 the next time the cat came around he was trying to snatch me and my brother i was like 10 the next time i saw him in passing when i was 19….since then nothing but passed along messages that he would like to talk with me….wtfe….so i don’t have any love for absent fathers/mothers….

By Cee

June 21, 2005 09:42 AM | Link to this

Morning All.. I’m with you MsK. I’ve come to terms with my divorce but it still hurts. My anniversary was this past Saturday…MsK, shall we go have drink together?

June 21, 2005 09:43 AM | Link to this

And I want to remind everyone to make sure they check out the TV tonight, to see a ‘very selfish, rude, grossly inconsiderate, and irresponsible’ individual..Local loco even.

oh, wait, that is probably 1/2 the people we have dated…chuckling.. probably had enough by now, you think?

LMAO/SNORT

By csc

June 21, 2005 09:53 AM | Link to this

marine…do you think you could be my brother?

teasing…my sperm donor has made efforts in the last few years to be a ‘father figure’…sometimes…he gets it right…most often, though…it’s a lot of unfulfilled promises and letdowns…

June 21, 2005 09:54 AM | Link to this

Ivy Ummm…Thanks for the compliment… I think. I’ll try not to read too deeply into that statement.

June 21, 2005 09:56 AM | Link to this

MsK It will get better sweetie. My would have been anniversary was May 20th. I woke up and thought, it’s not as hard as I thought it would be. I had a very dear friend tell me that b/c the marriage ended my life didn’t. He mentioned that since it does take two to make it work the burden wasn’t all mine and I shouldn’t look at it as such. For a long time I had a lot of what if’s in my mind. Maybe I’m being too hard, or maybe I should be a little more flexible. Here’s a big cyber hug for ya. Trust that it does and will get better.

June 21, 2005 10:00 AM | Link to this

marine the only way u can find peace is if u forgive him. Honey u have to have some type of love for him to insure ur own sanity. I can’t imagine how u feel and I can’t pretend to know what u went through, put I do know that if released some of the anger, you will find peace with the decision u made concerning him, and the decision he made concerning you.

By MsK

June 21, 2005 10:05 AM | Link to this

Thanks, all. I need blog love today. Cee anytime. Likker makes the pain go away quicker!

@Das- I was reading about the local loca over the weekend in People and then last night I read her testimony on smokinggun. That chick is crazy. The details she went into about the sexual assault. She’s been watching to many snuff films or something.

By Tray

June 21, 2005 10:06 AM | Link to this

Hey all! MsK got some broad shoulders over here if you need them to lean on, actually I think the whole blog has you!

I think coming to terms is a something we all must do in all levels of our life. I have 26 weeks left of school and need to figure out what I am going to do. let me think on that and this work stuff, try to blog w/ya later. = )

By Mia

June 21, 2005 10:08 AM | Link to this

Good Morning All!!!

I’m having a terrible, horrible, no good, very bad day. My car sounds like a truck and the last time I got an oil change the guys at Firestone said it sounded like an exhaust leak and I would need to take it to Meineke. Well I have been too busy to deal with car issues. Until this morning. Car was overheating. Engine oil light was on and the car was sounding like a tractor trailer. So I’m working from home this morning as my car is in the shop. They claim I have an engine oil leak but when I look at the floor of my garage there is no oil. Lawd, Lawd, Lawd

Anyhoo, enough of my car drama. Welcome Longtime Lurker and thanks for sharing your very touching story. I hope you stick around.

EPO - I like the list.

Sunnie - Just being honest and I surely can admit my faults.

CSC - that is a good question that I don’t have an answer too…need to think some more and see what others say.

June 21, 2005 10:10 AM | Link to this

LOL @ MsK - yeah, actually I wondered what kind of sexual fantasies they have in those minds up Gainesville way.. I had read the smokinggun when it posted that police report stuff.

By Mia

June 21, 2005 10:12 AM | Link to this

EPO - I think you hit the nail on the head. Just when I think I have come to terms with Hurricane he’ll do or say something that brings me right back to square one. And all those negative feelings will come right back. I know I have come to terms with a lot of things about that relationship otherwise I wouldn’t be here in Atlanta leading the life I lead now and I wouldn’t be open to a new relationship. But man, the emotional nerve he sometimes hits reminds me on the regular why he is a TAN!

June 21, 2005 10:14 AM | Link to this

on that thought, saw the French horror flick High Tension this past weekend. Talk about a STUPID story, as well as bloody…NOT recommended. It is mostly English dubbed, with some sub-titling.

and you MIGHT think the lesbian-community might be outraged, it being another of those ‘those gays do outrageous stuff’ kind of film.

By Ivy

June 21, 2005 10:25 AM | Link to this

EPO, I totally meant that as a compliment and nothing more. I promise there’s no hidden/deeper meaning in it. I just thought it was answered very nicley and concisely.

June 21, 2005 10:31 AM | Link to this

Mia First you should check all fliuds in your car at least once a week… it only takes 30 seconds to check them all…

Secondly, if you are trying to deal with the Hurricane situation (that must have been discussed during my time away, I don’t know the facts of the situation), and you truely feel that you are done with him, then you have to get to a point where nothing he says or does affects you. I had a HS teacher who told us that You have to grant someone permission to make you upset or angry. When you grant someone that permission you are proving the fact that that person is still important to you. If a person is not important to you you will not allow them to upset you.

Once I internalized that idea my life changed. I have not gotten in a fight, been upset, or angered by anyone who is not very close to me since. I suppose my mentality now is that most people are not worth the energy that I use to become upset at them, so when folks come at me incorrectly I am pretty much calm no matter what their attitude is.

June 21, 2005 10:32 AM | Link to this

It’s too serious in this morning. Today is the first day of summer! Who’s having a pool party and when.

By csc

June 21, 2005 10:33 AM | Link to this

just received a call from a velvet voiced man that made my girlfriend hunch up just from hearing him say my name…lawd, lawd…make these grown woman sexy feelings go away…

June 21, 2005 10:36 AM | Link to this

Mia, next time u should take your car to a place that’s been around for a while, like Jesse Jones. He does excellent work, and he’s female friendly, meaning he won’t tell it’s broke if it’s not broke. My grammy recommended him to me when I was having a lot of car problems. And most importantly, he won’t hurt your purse either.

By csc

June 21, 2005 10:40 AM | Link to this

which reminds me of something i’m coming to terms with…this whole living right thing…ain’t all it’s cracked up to be…

a sista gets weak and tempted and tried and tested…and more often than i want to admit to…i fail miserably…but like donnie says…i get back up again…

By MsAP

June 21, 2005 10:40 AM | Link to this

Morning All.

On topic…I agree with EPO’s post about coming to terms with “it” depends on what the “it” is. It’s more about being at peace with “it” as opposed to getting over “it”.

Longtime Lurker - Welcome and thanks for sharing. I’m glad you were able to seek counseling to help you cope with such a traumatic experience.

June 21, 2005 10:45 AM | Link to this

ok…..csc not exactly what i was hoping for but it worked. Now i have to repress some memories b4 I get in trouble. lol

By Mia

June 21, 2005 10:46 AM | Link to this

Miss Understood - Where is Jesse Jones?

EPO - my car is all kinds of jacked up. Almost no engine oil and no radiator fluid. I like the guys at the Firestone I go to but they must be too busy with all the customers they get or too busy flirting with customers to pay attention to my car. They are supposed to top off my fluids and they haven’t topped off jack. Mike at Meineke is taking care of my baby. She just got to last until my birthday next year. By then I should be ready to do the car payment thing again and will have a nice tax return to use as a down payment.

By MsK

June 21, 2005 10:55 AM | Link to this

Screen on the Green

Anyone who wants to go Thursday holla at me and I will send an email out to coordinate snacks.

We have to out do the cute homosexual couple we sat next to last time.

By MsAP

June 21, 2005 10:58 AM | Link to this

About Absentee Fathers…

Perhaps the fastest growing subpopulation of absentee fathers is unmarried men. These children born to unwed mothers are more likely to: live in poverty, get minimal medical care, and do poorly in school. There is an overwhelming chance that their male offspring will turn to drugs, gang activity, and crime. Their female children likely will become unwed mothers themselves, and the cycle continues.

Also,the growing divorce rate magnifies the trend of fatherless families. About 40% of kids whose parents are divorced have not seen their father in at least a year. Ten years after divorce, more than two-thirds of those living with their mother haven’t seen their father for a year.

June 21, 2005 11:03 AM | Link to this

Mia he’s on Donald Lee Hollowell. I will hunt a number for you and email it. Yeh, those guys at Firestone or any place like that for that matter are too busy trying to get their mack on. They only worry about the cars that come with a number and some booty. lol

June 21, 2005 11:04 AM | Link to this

@MsAp….excatly NO LOVE!!!!!…feel me

June 21, 2005 11:05 AM | Link to this

Mia the more jacked up thw whip is the more reason to check the fluids 2 or 3 times a week. All it takes is one day of low fluids to end the life of old Betsy. I have a new car and I still cehck the fluids weekly, gotta keep an eye thangs.

My last car I had to check the oil and coolant daily rain or shine… Sometimes I would check before I headed home after work just to be sure I would make it… LoL. Man, I’m glad those days are over.

I had another female friend in a similar positon as you are in, but she swore up and down that there was no need to check her fluids weekly, she even went as far as to say that a mechanic (her uncle) told here that it was not necessary… about 3 weeks later her engine was gone, due to overheating caused by a leaky radiator.

Gotta take car of your car, if yo don’t do it no one else will. As my dad would say, “if you take care of your car, it will take care of you”.

By Diana

June 21, 2005 11:06 AM | Link to this

do you have any stats on the kids who go to school and shoot up their classmates? Some of those kids come from the so-called “best families” with a mom and a dad with money. You can f$#k kids up with or without a dad. Sometimes the father is best left outside the home.

June 21, 2005 11:10 AM | Link to this

LL Welcome to the blog, and you’re right. If you never deal with it, then you can never come to terms with it.

By MsAP

June 21, 2005 11:12 AM | Link to this

Yesterday, MistaO posted that he believes women working outside the home has led to our community’s downward spiral. So if women were to leave their jobs and become housewives, our children would be better off. While there are a number of factors that contribute to the current state of our community, I feel the absence of fathers is a much bigger issue.

The following excerpt was taken from an article written by a Black Mr. Mom and can be read in it’s entirety HERE…

Many middle-class people, especially white ones, will think that my father should never have had all those kids (seven kids by four women) in the first place. Likewise, to mainstream America, I am not exactly a hero for staying home to take care of my son, but irresponsible for having sired the child in the first place without finishing college, getting a good job, and securing a wedding ring. Yet if more men whose children weren’t born under the most perfect of circumstances did what I did, the nation’s black children would be far better off than they are now.

Farrakhan was right in calling on men to return to the family (Million Man March), but his insistence that they assume the traditional role of provider, while women submit to them, was highly misguided. After all, no black woman was going to take that submissive stuff seriously, and given the realities of the economy, a lot of dads, especially young ones, aren’t going to become venture capitalists before their kids reach draft age.

By MsAP

June 21, 2005 11:18 AM | Link to this

Diana - Here you go…

85% of all children that exhibit behavioral disorders come from fatherless homes
80% of rapists motivated with displaced anger come from fatherless homes
75% of all adolescent patients in chemical abuse centers come from fatherless homes
70% of juveniles in state-operated institutions come from fatherless homes

I agree that you get kids from seemingly perfect 2 parent families acting a dayum fool. One example is my own sister (God help that child and my nephew).

June 21, 2005 11:19 AM | Link to this

Lawd have mercy MsAP who came up with those statistics? For me they are too generalized. A cycle will only continue if there is no one there who wants to make a difference. While I know I can’t teach my son how to be a man, he has enough male figures in the family that i can turn to for help. He has aspirations that exceed those that i have for him, so does my girls. My kids are honor roll straight A students who are on a life mission.(well with Georgia’s eduacation system anyway) I know there are things that will try to sway them from their goals but I am constantly in their ears reminded them that there really is a pot of gold at the end of the rainbow, and if they keep their eyes on the prize, they will get there.

By Tazzee

June 21, 2005 11:23 AM | Link to this

Morning all!

Like Miss Understood says this is a deep topic for the first day of summer - but its a needed topic.

For me, the hardest part of getting over ‘it’ was first coming to terms with ‘it’. Coming to terms with ‘it’ requires that you face whatever ‘it’ is head on and that can be very painful. It was almost like I had to relive the situation and recount everything that happened to me. Then I had to make some decisions about how I was going to allow my past to affect my future. Trust me, it was not easy. And I didn’t think to address it until one day I realized I was truly depressed - I mean I cried because I spilled some water! I truly thank God for the people that were there to help me through also.

But like Mia said there is so much joy in being at peace. There were so many times during my recent birthday vacation that I found myself with tears of joy because I am truly at peace with my life. Its an awesome feeling!

June 21, 2005 11:24 AM | Link to this

I feel that a parent (or other family member, perhaps a grandparent) are the key to raising a healthy child. By Healthy I mean mentally and physically. Day care centers etc. are not teaching children the values and skills that parents and family members would. Children are capable of learning so much more than most care providers and even some parents have ever thought of.

The way I see it is that the best way to raise a family is if one parent could raise the kids. Of course with the expenses and schedules we have to live by to pay the bills in this day and age this practice is becoming more rare.

But I think this is a major reason behind all the crazies we see running around now. If parents had the ability to work less and if one parent could take off from work for a couple of years like our grandparents did, children would have a better foundation to work from. I really feel that the expenses that we accumulate just to live in America are a major reason behind the downfall of the family in this country.

part II coming soon….

June 21, 2005 11:32 AM | Link to this

Well I think the Black Mr. Mom has to first research the word submit a little. It’s not the nasty little word that means he’s the boss and you have to do what he says. It doesn’t mean be quite either. Submit is to simply stand fast and wait. IF he’s running it, then let him, and if he needs your help, then help him. You’re not giving up anything to submit. One person leads, and the other assists. Now if everyone wants to lead, then there’s another problem. We all can’t run things, if we did then we’d never get anything accomplished.

By MsAP

June 21, 2005 11:33 AM | Link to this

MissU - I agree that the cycle can stop if someone wants to make a difference. But, its sad to say that many don’t or they do but don’t want to do what it takes to stop the cycle.

On my mon’s side, she had 8 sisters and brothers so I have a ton of cousins. Sadly, I have seen this cycle continue over multiple generations. One on my 2nd cousins is pregnant again with her 4th child. She is 26 and the father has about 5or 6 other kids. Her grandmother takes care of the oldest and she is struggling to take care of the younger 2. I understand making one mistake, but why keep making the same one over and over??

June 21, 2005 11:41 AM | Link to this

Hi Jazzie Tazzie!!

Mia this was a great post! I was near tears reading it. I have come to terms with things that have happened to me. I no longer feel like I am damaged goods. At the same time, I still struggle with things when I am faced with a similar situation. I think that is natural though. I don’t expect to become totally unfazed by what I have gone through. The thing is, each heartache or painful ordeal I have gone through has been a valuable lesson for me and made me who I am. Since I LOVE who I am, then I can’t knock myself too much for how I dealt (or still deal) with certain things. I don’t care what amount of time it takes me, I will come to terms with what I need to ON my own terms and time frame. Damn what folks think or how they feel I should let go. As long as what I went through doesn’t manifest itself negatively in my life through self-destructive behavior, than I feel as if coming to terms is just stemmed in personal growth.

June 21, 2005 11:46 AM | Link to this

MsAP That baffles the h3ll outta me too. Thank GOD my little cousins finally got the picture and they are making moves to make their lives better. So the last baby born was to my sis and her hubby. I thank him for giving the knowledge they neede to make better decisions about their lives and the lives of their children.

By MsAP

June 21, 2005 11:49 AM | Link to this

MissU - All decisions should be discussed and decided upon by BOTH individuals. I just don’t agree that the “leader” should be the man by default. I believe the situation at hand determines who would be best suited to lead.

Many working wives still do the majority of housework and child rearing. Since submit = assist, I think more men should submit to taking kids to soccer/basketball/baseball practice, doctor appointments, shoppong for school clothes, volunteering at school…submit to cooking, submit to doing more things around the house…

June 21, 2005 11:53 AM | Link to this

part II

If you look at other cultures who don’t have the same issues as we have in America you will see a much higher quality of life. In some European and asian countries either a mother or a father can take off up to 2 years from work and still be guranteed their job when they return, and in some places they recieve full pay or a standard govt. pay rate during this time of leave. In other places children are raised only by family members namely grandparents and other siblings who rotate responsibilities across several families (I’ll watch your kids while you work, and you watch mines when I work) America is one of the few places where we outsource our parental duties to businesses.

If we could afford to live on less income we would have a much higher quality of life for our families. There is no real solution to this problem due to the nature of businesses in America which try to squeeze every penny out of us. But to some degree unless we can afford to have an ideal family situation we will continue to make sacrifices that are not in the best interest of our children. If both parents are not together that increases the likelyhood that outside influences will be a bigger influence in that child’s life. Which is almost always a bad thing.

June 21, 2005 12:01 PM | Link to this

That’s y u are a DIVA.

Mia u have mail.

EPO that is an interesting statement you made. I can remember my mother being at home with us while my father worked two jobs to make sure we were taken care of. After I turned 10, my sis was 5, my mom went back to work.

Our ecomony is so out of control that you have to have two three four checks coming in just to live comfortably.

June 21, 2005 12:07 PM | Link to this

@MsAp….sometimes a leader will follow and a follower will lead..the measure of a leader is tied to his vision…submission is nothing more than under - mission meaning you are signing up to help this man complete whatever vision he has..Me and mine discuss everything we make decisions based on those discussions..but the burden of leadership goes to one individual not two…when my wifes leads i am her biggest cheering section and when she gets glory so do i just on the back in…i think you are too caught up on the whole gender role thing..if it works for you to control everything cool…i am with you

By Cee

June 21, 2005 12:08 PM | Link to this

Today’s Quote

Growth in wisdom may be exactly measured by decrease in bitterness…

June 21, 2005 12:10 PM | Link to this

MsAP- I wasn’t saying that. If he’s leading them let him. If he’s not then he’s not, but it should not be a power struggle per say. I also agree that both parties should have a say so in the decisions made. And finally yes, submit=assist and yes they should share the load. While they can’t bare the chillins, they can cook, they can clean, they can shop, they can rub my feet and back, they can do the things that makes life easier for us when we need them to, because we (women) do it for them.

June 21, 2005 12:17 PM | Link to this

LOL @ Miss U, that did sound kinda diva-ish..ah well.

Ms. AP, my definition of submit in a marriage is more like what my mom and dad did. She deferred to my father on decisions pertaining to the family as the head of the home. She made her own money, had her own career, and she built a life with her husband for the family. She raised me to be FIERCELY independent and yet balanced that out with nurturing, and never emasculating my father. This worked mainly because my father respected, loved, and supported her and did just as much domestic duties as mom did. Now all I have to do is pray that if I marry, it will be with someone like my dad.

By Tazzee

June 21, 2005 12:18 PM | Link to this

That was a great article MsAP. I read it in its entirety.

Miss U - how do you define living comfortably? I still believe that people can make it work on a single salary. But there are a few things that prevent it:

people coming into marriages with huge amounts of debt. They were prolly living paycheck to paycheck before getting married.
the definition of living comfortably: do you really need cable, every feature that BellSouth has to offer, going to the movies (after 6pm) when they premiere, huge ‘Christmases’ for the kids, etc?
can the stay-at-homer trust the fact that the worker won’t leave them?

Part of my motivation to pay off my debt was so I wouldn’t HAVE to go back to work 6 weeks after my child was born. I started planning to be able to stay home as soon as I witnessed a new mom distressed because she had to leave her baby too soon.

I definitely think it can be done, it just requires some planning and a lot of sacrifice.

June 21, 2005 12:20 PM | Link to this

Once u find a man who’s not caught up with women do this and men do that then you have found a man who truly understands the word relationship, and he understands what it takes to make it last. You can’t have a me, mine, or I. It is always we, us and ours.

By Tazzee

June 21, 2005 12:25 PM | Link to this

Oh and MsK, Miss U, and Cee hugs to you ladies today. I can’t imagine going through a divorce.

MsK - put me on the SOTG list.

Ladies, I have to miss out on ESPNZone tonight. I have been trying to commit to spending more time in the house and with my softball game last night, the seminar tomorrow, SOTG Thursday and a hair appointment Friday - tonight is the only night this week I can spend time at home.

June 21, 2005 12:28 PM | Link to this

Good Afternoon Everybody Mia Your story truly touched my heart.As for “getting over it”. I’m not sure if u really do get over the death of a parent,child or any family member that is that closely connected to u. I’m sure if one of my parents died b4 I do; I would b gravely hunted by it.I often pray that God allows me to live to c my child become a responsible adult with the ability to make his own decisions because “God Forbid” if he were to die right now I don’t know how I’ll go on existing.Death is one thing that is certain, yet the time and place is uncertain. I don’t think we get over the death of a loved one, we just learn to adapt, and cope as time goes on.

By MsAP

June 21, 2005 12:30 PM | Link to this

marine - I’m not caught up in the submission/gender role thing and I DON’T want or need to control everything. I agree with you - sometimes he leads, sometimes I lead depending on the situation. My point is…A man and a woman should sumbit to each other.

Even though I’m a free thinker and do what’s best for me, I sometimes worry (for no good reason) about what “society” would think about this or that. So I was thinking too much about this whole “wife” role and just wanted to run in the opposite direction! I just want to be the same fiesty, independent chick except now I won’t have to do everything myself.

June 21, 2005 12:30 PM | Link to this

Just a question I am not taking sides on this issue, because I do believe that men and women should share duties with kids, cooking, etc… but what about te physical labor differential??? I mean granted that both partners work full time, if the man is expected to cut the grass, trim the hedges, fix the leaky roof, maintain the cars, replace tile in the bathroom, fix the fence, etc… what credit is that good for??? I don’t see any women volunteering to go up in 90 degree weather and put hot tar on the roof.

Having said that I must say that I come from a family where my dad did all of the handy work around the house and he taught me to do so as well.

My folks had a deal, my dad took care of the house, yard and cars, and my mom took care of the things in the house. So I guess in this case my dad did the physical labor (until I hit about 10 years old… LoL) so that my mother would not have to…

Is that fair? or should all duties be divided evenly? what is even?

I am not saying that this is the best way to do things, just asking a question…

By KIR

June 21, 2005 12:41 PM | Link to this

MsK I will miss SOTG this week. But please count me in for Grease next week.

By MsAP

June 21, 2005 12:43 PM | Link to this

Wise - I agree with you. Even though my mom was a military wife and stayed home while me and my brother were small, she got her master’s and went back to work when we were school age, while still volunteering and substitute teaching at our school. Because of her education and career choice, she’s always made more than my dad.

My favorite childhood memories is of my mom AND my dad spending a lot of time with my brother and me playing outside, going on school trips, going on numerous family vactions in Europe.

Being in the military, my dad is all about a clean house and adamantly cleans the kitchen/bathroom and practically does all the laundry. We didn’t need air freshener because of the gallons of bleach he uses!

The funny thing is, my dad told me himself that my mom makes better decisions pertaining to the family. And he’s fine with that because what’s best for us is what matters rather than who made the decision.

June 21, 2005 12:46 PM | Link to this

Hey Tazzee, I agree there has to be a lot of sacrifice. I have had to give up a lot of perks to make ends meet. I have three sprouting kids, one who I discovered a few Sundays ago at church is now taller than me with my heels on and I have to buy grown man clothes for him. lol

By csc

June 21, 2005 12:55 PM | Link to this

epo…can ya’ really picture yourself standing in the kitchen at the sink doing dishes while looking out the window at your wife as she is mowing the grass and washing the car?

June 21, 2005 12:57 PM | Link to this

Tazzee It is possible to survive on one income, but unless that one income is upwards of $80-100K 3 people can not have anywhere near a decent standard of living for 18 years. Probably not for 1 year. Rent, utilities, student loans, food, car etc… Not to mention you need to have funds set up for college, retirement for 2 people, and funeral expenses. You need another check just to pay for all the future preparations. If you can successfully pull off having a family on one income what are you going to do when you and your mate are 65??? You will be working until you die, living on what’s left os Social Security, and you will not own a home or any other assets of value to pass on to your children. I and many people I know who earn less than $50K can barely make it and we are not supporting 3 people.

I had a conversation with someone about tires… I remember 10 years ago you could just go down and buy a set of tires for your car with cash on hand. Now tire centers have financing options for regular tires. Factory model tires now cost $120 each and many folks can’t afford to just go buy a new set, liek they could a few years ago.

There was an article Friday in the local paper about how 50% of new homeowners spend more than 40% of their income on housing, and I think the number was something like 57% of income goes to housing, utilities and transportation costs. If we are spending almost 60% of our income on the very basic needs (food not included) we have a huge problem. For generations past the housing ration was 30% of your total income.

A study I sw yesterday showed that the cost of living in FL has increased about 40%(statewide) since 1998 but wages have increased only 16%.. sounds like a problem to me…

A one income family is a thing of the past.. until our economy balances out or companies realize as GM and a few others are.. that their ever increasing profit margins have to be reduced in order to allow for an affordable product.

By Tazzee

June 21, 2005 12:59 PM | Link to this

EPO Your scenario is an example of sharing the load. However some families today live in apartments, so there is no ‘outside’ labor going on. I also see a lot of families that pay to have the yard maintained, cars maintained and items fixed around the house.

Then there’s the parity of the work, a woman has to cook, clean, etc on a daily basis. Then on Saturdays she does laundry, major house cleaning, grocery shopping etc. Whereas the man (in your example) only has the yard/car work on the weekends. While both are working full time jobs. Now I’ve just presented what some may deem the ‘ideal’ situation. I do realize that now there’s more eating out or bring home meals because both parents are working full time.

By MsAP

June 21, 2005 01:00 PM | Link to this

EPO - I was raised in a home that did not have gender specific chores. My brother and I both had to clean our rooms/bathroom, rake and mow the lawn, clean the kitchen, wash/fold clothes, and help mom with cooking. These had to be done and my parents didn’t go so far as saying, MsAP since you’re a girl you do this or that. In addition to my dolls (which I didn’t play with often), I also had Tonka trucks, action figures, and all kinds of sports equipment.

My mom has been cooking since she was 9 and learned to sew, so she cooked and made a lot of our clothes. My dad learned to work on cars when he was young and fix things around the house, so he did that. The thing my dad regrets most is not spending as much time with us during our teen years as he did when we were young.

Coming from this environment, I don’t get caught up in so-called gender roles. I’ve always liked working with my hands (engineer), so I love to tinker with my car, sometimes cut my own lawn, paint, fix things around the house, etc. I believe in being a well-rounded and versatile woman and feel like I have the capability to do it all.

June 21, 2005 01:00 PM | Link to this

MsAP I think in essence you’re just afraid of losing your identity.And you should be.I find that in my past relationships I always got too involved in the other person’s life.Yes time should b spent together, but it is important to also spend time alone and with your own friends.I don’t know why it happens but there is always one person in the relationship that is willing to please the other person more; and the other person gets caught up in just pleasing and doing and putting their interests aside or on the back burner. Thinking they could do it another time, and another time never comes. Before u know it u’re not the person u used to b; just a shadow of your S/O.

June 21, 2005 01:01 PM | Link to this

That’s been my experience.

By Sean050

June 21, 2005 01:02 PM | Link to this

Wow so I haven’t blogged on here in I can’t tell you how long. How is everyone? Last time I was on Mia was enjoying her time with MM.. If anyone wants to catch up by all means drop me a line, I hope to try and get back into the swing of things if I can.

I’ll have to think up something deep and philosophic for the blog or maybe IÃ¢â‚¬â„¢ll just be my natural scarstic psychological self ;) I hope everyone is well

June 21, 2005 01:04 PM | Link to this

csc That is why I asked… it seems that women are always quick to say what men need to do to help, but we don’t get credit for the things we do that women don’t do. If I work 40 hours a week and then do yard work and house maintenance on the weekends I don’t want to hear jack when I want to watch the Falcons on Sunday, when you complain about not wanting to cook dinner…

NOw I am a 100% believer in spending time with da kids… and they can help with yardwork etc. too. But women are quick to tell a man what we don’t do. True enough ya’ll may give us credit immediately after we are done with the task at hand but a few hours later after we have showered and rested guess who’s back…

There are guys I work with who do a full day’s work around the house on Sat and then catch h3ll when they want to spend the day fishing or golfing on Sunday.

By csc

June 21, 2005 01:05 PM | Link to this

sean…good to read you…i’ve missed you…that work related email i had for ya’ no longer works…holla back, young’un…

June 21, 2005 01:05 PM | Link to this

wow, looks like SEAN finally hit the BIG 50

hahahahahahahah

SP doesn’t hang here anymore.

June 21, 2005 01:11 PM | Link to this

MsAP Despite all the bliss that comes with preparing for a marriage; I think the actual thing is a lot harder & less blissful.IT IS A SCARY & life altering situation I”m sure.I’ve never been married, but I’ve been in situations where I felt like I was; and there was nothing pleasant about it.I would like to b married one day, & hopefully it would b to a person who doesn’t mind pulling his weight domestically around the house.Who doesn’t mind if I don’t cook everyday, or who would take the initiative & cook sometimes.Who doesn’t mind giving me a break (that I’m sure I would be totally deserving of) and watching the kids sometimes while I have a spa day or do lunch with girlfriends.Who doesn’t get jealous because I wear tight jeans, stilettos, a lycra top, get my hair done, and still wear perfume.I don’t know y most men admire all these things in their g/f’s and when they get married want her to give up a lot of things she did b4 they were married.THIS ISH IS REALLY CONFUSING! I SAY B AFRAID, B VERY AFRAID!

June 21, 2005 01:12 PM | Link to this

@MsAp…A man is suppose to love his wife has christ love the church…if he truly loves you he will submit to you…like i said it is all about vision..i was and still feel like you with the independence in marriage so i feel where you are coming from..i ran thru the same emotions before i walked down that aisle..and i thought that i made peace with it but i was not…so work it out before you go any further….this is coming from another free spirit…

By Sean050

June 21, 2005 01:14 PM | Link to this

CSC - This email on here should be working, sorry about that. I swiched jobs back when and forgot to send out the notice..

DAS - Not sure what to tell you, I haven’t talked to SP in pfft at least 8 mo. 50 huh, I think I have a ways till I hit that point, but damn if my knees don’t feel 50. I may have to cancel the sat morning b-ball here soon lol

I see there are A LOT of new people on here now, ya’ll don’t be shy, if ya wanna say hey please do. I don’t bite…much Ha

By Tazzee

June 21, 2005 01:15 PM | Link to this

EPO - it can be done, like I said with planning. Your example included student loans - in my example that would be paid off before you get married. Lets say if you graduate college at 22 and don’t get married until 30 - that’s 8 years to pay off all your debt and save. Then if both of you have done this, lets say you don’t want to have children for another 2 -3 years. During those 2 - 3 years, you live off of one income, invest the other income. Again, I’m not talking about staying at home the entire time, just until the children go to school and then - the stay-at-homer can work part-time.

Trust me, I’ve seen it happen. One of my closest friends is a stay-at-home mom with 4 kids - the oldest is 6. She and her husband planned. She is a journalist, so as soon as the youngest is old enough, she is going to try to start doing freelance work. Then when the youngest gets in school, she is going back to work.

By Tazzee

June 21, 2005 01:19 PM | Link to this

If I work 50 hours a week (who really works 40-hour weeks nowadays?), cook at least 3 times during the week, clean the kitchen on those nights and then do laundry, house cleaning and grocery shopping on Saturdays - I don’t want to hear jack about watching the Falcons on Sunday while you complain about not having a home cooked meal…

By sean050

June 21, 2005 01:21 PM | Link to this

Imperfect - I myself am not married, nor ever have I been. What I do happen to see is that once people become married 2 things tend to happen.

1) They become comfortable and tend to forget about the basic things that attracted them to there mate to begin with, this could be anything from thoughtful gestures, to taking care of there body etc..

2) Life happens, they become busy and forget to not only take time for themselves but to take time for one another to help reconnect.

A relationship of any kind should be a give and take, a partnership. It should be both people helping with all aspects of day to day life, how else can you truly receive if you don’t give, especially to the person or people you love and respect the most

June 21, 2005 01:23 PM | Link to this

I guess once you don’t lose your identity, truly trust one another, support each other (morally/financially etc) b willing & commited to work out whatever differences u’re faced with, consider each other as equal, and make your own decisions where ur relationship is concerned (i.e. not letting friends and/or family members tell u what is best 4 ur marriage/relationship) everything will b just fine.

June 21, 2005 01:25 PM | Link to this

Like I said I am not saying that my scenarios are the best way to do things, I am just trying to see where ya’ll stand. and true enough that a lot of the tings I mentioned are done on weekends, but the point is the value of the work.. some make it seem that spending 1 entire day working around the house is not the same as cooking dinner for an hour or 2 each day and doing laundry twice a week.

I personally have always been one to help my dad on the weekends as well as helped my mother during the week. so I did the cleaning ang cooking as well.

And to the comment about apartments, personally I don’t see myself raising a family in an apartment. That is a personal issue, but I am a strong believer in home ownership, even if it means me having to work an extra job… I can’t pay money my whole life and have no equity in the place. Without Home ownership you are greatly reducing your ability to retire, fund a college education, and you will have that bill for the rest of your life. I know that apartments are a necessity and that they are better than being homeless, but apartments should not in my opinion be a longterm housing solution.

June 21, 2005 01:26 PM | Link to this

@Imp - Not all men are like that, i love it when my wife goes out looking her best…makes me get home faster, and for the cleaning i did 8 years in the marine corp..cleaning is my middle name..i was bacholer until 31 so for the last 13 years i have been cooking/cleaning/washing/folding..etc. And once i meet my wife i started with the diapers/feedingtime/daycare pickup/clothes shopping/bathtime..and believe it or not i did all that without instrutions or an over-searer…lol

By MsK

June 21, 2005 01:27 PM | Link to this

@Tazz- that is cool about tonight. I should stay home for the exact same reason.

I’ll send an email to all the usual suspects this evening in regards to SOTG. If anyone wants to be added hit me up.

Welcome (back) Sean.

June 21, 2005 01:27 PM | Link to this

EPO- It’s all about balancing what you do. It’s about appreciating your mate and recognizing that they may need your assistance every once in a while. H3ll if I’m watching the Falcons I don’t want anyone tapping my shoulders asking me what’s for dinner. Take a seat and I’ll get witcha in about 3hours. Or they can become proactive and order out if our finances allow for that. Not all women hound all the time. and if u do everything b4 the shower there’s nothing to talk about afterwards, well there is but……. j/k

June 21, 2005 01:28 PM | Link to this

hi Sean, I’m not really new, but fairly I guess cuz I don’t memba u…..welcome back tho

June 21, 2005 01:34 PM | Link to this

Tazz I work a 41hr work week.Last year it was 46hrs.

June 21, 2005 01:34 PM | Link to this

I guess u are back and in full swing, huh sean050

It’s good to read ya. How have u been? BTW, I changed my screen name.

June 21, 2005 01:36 PM | Link to this

off topic….Jaguar Wright preview at honey soul.com, also patti labelle…she redid some classic joint…both worth checking out

June 21, 2005 01:36 PM | Link to this

Sean Very well said. That was beautiful……..made me feel hopeful. Thankyou for contributing.

June 21, 2005 01:39 PM | Link to this

marine so there r still a few good men left…… there is hope for the hopeless afterall I c..lol

June 21, 2005 01:40 PM | Link to this

@Sean - your new ID, looks like you left room to hit 100…”050”…LOL maybe you are going elephant hunting…

By Tazzee

June 21, 2005 01:42 PM | Link to this

Imp I can’t remember the last time I worked a 40 hour week, well at least not when I worked 5 or more days in that week.

Hey Sean your 1:21pm post is so true. Welcome back man!

June 21, 2005 01:48 PM | Link to this

Imperfectamythst It is a problem mainly when one partner feels that their mate is more attractive than they are. after some women have kids and pick up a few pounds, they want their hiusband to stop working out, and stop going out with the guys to the bar, or whatever. I know couples who both look 20 years younger than they are and they have no problems they both know that the other gets hit on… Its about feeling that your mate will leave you for someone who looks better.

Tazzee Its not impossible but its getting increasingly more difficult and rare. In all cases student loans can’t be repaid in 5, 8 or 10 years, especially if you factor in grad school. It is not reasonable to expect to wait 10 or 20 years to get married becasue of a bill. Realistically it is not always feasable to pay off the majority of your debts before marriage, especially if you are only making $35-45K. I have never heard of someone who has a mate who they want to marry waiting 8 years to get married so that loans can be paid off. If you stick with someone for 3, 4, or 8 years then you might as well say you are married anyway. You can’t set the age when you will find your true love, and you can’t expect them to adjust their life to fit your timetable.

I see what you are saying and it is possible, but for most folks it is not, unless of course you have a pretty high income. You would not be a happy camper if you and your husband had to live on $40K for a year or two. I make less than $45 and its hard for me and I only support myself and half of my son’s needs granted that the cost of living is somewhat higher in FL than in ATL…

June 21, 2005 01:49 PM | Link to this

Tazz Must b nice….. One day I’ll b able to say the same I hope.

June 21, 2005 01:50 PM | Link to this

I’m hungry & have a headache…… think I need some carbs right about now.Don’t know what 2 have 4 lunch.

By Tazzee

June 21, 2005 01:53 PM | Link to this

Imp you must have misunderstood me, I work more than 40 hours a week. More like 50.

June 21, 2005 01:53 PM | Link to this

Epo It’s the opp with me. My s/o seems very insecure & as a result takes it out on me

By MsAP

June 21, 2005 02:01 PM | Link to this

marine - The thought of losing my independence and identity is scary, but thank goodness my independence is one of the main qualities that attracted MrAP. We are definitely going to have an open and honest discussion about our wants, needs, espectations as well as fears.

imperfect - I love fashion and how I dress is an expression of my personality. Sometimes I wear somewhat sexy and revealing clothes. I remember last Summer my Honey questioned an outfit I had on. I wore a fitted Nike half shirt with matching running shorts. I was like WTF are you talking about? He says he worries about these crazy men out there who may try to take advantage of me.

csc - I actually like to cut the grass - it’s amini workout, I get to work on my tan, and I take pride in something that I did with my own 2 hands.

June 21, 2005 02:01 PM | Link to this

@Imp, so do you think he will change. What is it about you that he thinks most men look at….believe me he obesses about somebody looking at this part of you or at you

June 21, 2005 02:02 PM | Link to this

umm, so has anybody heard of the vibrating condom that is about to hit stores? No? Just me? Hmmk

June 21, 2005 02:06 PM | Link to this

@WD….Good way to break up the mood…that is funny…yes lets discuss the vibrating condom..lol, what color would you prefer..lol…i am done with the serious too, hell people we are alive, lets live….so who is getting punishing there liver tonight..lol

June 21, 2005 02:08 PM | Link to this

Tazzee and what if your future husband has not planned as you have and he still has a couple bills here and there? I don’t mean he is in financial trouble, but he has say a student loan and a new car payment… are you going to wait to marry him until he pays those down?

MissUnderstood (you have mail) My point was that the physical labor and other tasks that men do often get overlooked when it comes down to who does what around the house… I know many men who would rather do laundry or cook for a week than to have to repair a roof in the summer. And I know that all women don’t nag their mates all the time… but I see a lot of it, not from my parents but with a lot of folks I know.

Personally I have always like to do things for myself so I won’t have that issue. I don’t like for anyone to do my laundry and A lot of folks don’t wash dishes well enough for me to be comfortable using them without washing them again. I’m sure that when I find a mate I can show her how to do things.. LoL but I am just an independent guy. As I have been told by a former mate I made her feel like I did not need her for anything….

By MsAP

June 21, 2005 02:09 PM | Link to this

Wise - a vibrating condom?? Imma hafta look that up!!

Taz & MsK - I had decided to stay home tonite as well. This is my Honey’s last day of work and the last time I talk to him until I meet him at the airport Also, I’m cooking a few things, so the kitchen will be the last place I’ll be over the next few days. Well maybe the 3rd or 4th…LOL!

June 21, 2005 02:12 PM | Link to this

Imp I can tell u from experience, hence the divorce that this is something that won’t change unless he seeks counseling to get to the root of y he’s so insecure. As far as taking it out on you, unless he seeks help it is not a safe situation for you and the baby. If he gets out of control, things can get really bad, really quickly.

June 21, 2005 02:13 PM | Link to this

Imperfectamythst

Isn’t that what I said basically?? One mate is insecure about the other being hit on or leaving because they look better?

By abc

June 21, 2005 02:15 PM | Link to this

I’m unable to look into the blog much today, but was compelled to at least read through it just now. Hm, how did I get hooked on this thing?! It MUST have something to do with yall!

Regarding getting over things, I’ve been having severe problems with my 17 year old son for years. Serious problems, too numerous and weighty (to me) to talk about openly. The rift will take a long time to heal, and the healing time hasn’t begun yet because the rift creation is still underway. Parenting is so hard, especially with a problem child.

On a somewhat lighter note, regarding cooking: my approach might be suitable for some. I set aside ‘cooking days’ where I make 3 or 4 meals at once, 4-6 portions each, and then package up the portions in 2 container tupperware things for refrigeration. All from scratch, only old fashioned whole foods. Whenever anyone goes to eat a meal, all they have to do is pick one out and microwave it for 2 minutes. Chicken quarters with homemade mac-n-cheese; thick cut pork chops with lentils and brown rice; shepard’s pie, casseroles, meatloaf, some german or mexican dishes, all things that keep and reheat well. The kitchen stays miraculously cleaner. Our schedules don’t match up most of the time, but when they do and we can sit down to eat together, it’s still easy to just nuke ‘em. On cooking days I make spaghetti while I’m at it, those are our spaghetti days. It does make it a lot less strain to get everyone fed every day.

June 21, 2005 02:19 PM | Link to this

Wise say it ain’t so….. send me some info….

June 21, 2005 02:26 PM | Link to this

YEA,wow, I KNEW I should have patented that idea, dammit!

Don’t know many details on the VC’s yet, but I will be sure to keep you guys posted. You know, just FYI for those interested. LOL

June 21, 2005 02:26 PM | Link to this

yehEPO and when u love someone u do what u do and u don’t expect anything in return, including acknowledgement.

B4 I get it, the same also goes for the person getting served. If they love u, they will give u the acknowledgement for the work that’s done.

You can’t have a good strong healthy relationship and be selfish at the same time.

June 21, 2005 02:28 PM | Link to this

@MissU…that advice sounds like i heard that said before…lol ;-)

June 21, 2005 02:34 PM | Link to this

well i heard it from a man who gives great advice.

June 21, 2005 02:36 PM | Link to this

See DIVA, ya gotta be a little quicker. I know you’re working on something else. lol

By MsAP

June 21, 2005 02:37 PM | Link to this

abc - That’s exactly what I do. I usually set aside time to cook on the weekend or sometimes during the week. I make a few different meals to take to work for lunch while having something already prepared when I get home. Because almost as soon as you get home, you have to get ready for the next day. Most days, the last thing you want to do is cook.

If you’re ever on the East side, you definitely need to stop by the Dekalb Farmer’s Market on East Ponce. They have all kinds of fresh veggies, fruits, breads and meats. I went yesterday after work so I can make my Honey some home cooked meals today!

By MsAP

June 21, 2005 02:39 PM | Link to this

Wise - I wonder what actually makes the condom vibrate? I’d think it would need some kind of electrical charge.

June 21, 2005 02:42 PM | Link to this

@MsAp,…I live on the Eastside, so i can back you on this one, i have not been in years but i love there seafood…i use to buy the big box of crab legs and just chill on a friday night corona and crab legs…that was my twist on a hot summer night…it went over well with the ladies too..lol

June 21, 2005 02:44 PM | Link to this

does anyone know a good massuse?(sp)

B4 i forget SP says hhhhhheeeeeeyyyyyy!!!!!

June 21, 2005 02:44 PM | Link to this

yea, I thought the same thing Ms.AP. Can you imagine being the test dummy (no offense fellas) for that thing?

can you say OUCH!? LOL!

By Mia

June 21, 2005 02:47 PM | Link to this

Miss Understood - I’m not in the office so any email you have sent I’m not able to access.

June 21, 2005 02:48 PM | Link to this

I will have to check out the Farmers Market this week end. It’s my youngest bday and I am sure she has a lot planned. I told her I might let her get those little nails done and she is so excited.

By Ivy

June 21, 2005 02:49 PM | Link to this

If you find one, MissU, let me know. I need a good deep tissue rub down. Preferably today, immediately after work….which is in uhmmmmmmm…….2 hrs and 09 mins.

June 21, 2005 02:50 PM | Link to this

Ok hon…., the info is there if u need it.

By MsAP

June 21, 2005 02:51 PM | Link to this

Wise - I wonder who thought of that idea? I guess doing his thing on the washing machine was getting old!

June 21, 2005 02:52 PM | Link to this

well, you can googe ‘vibrating condom’ and learn ALL about it….yes, it is electrically charged, invented by the Japanese.

June 21, 2005 02:53 PM | Link to this

Ivy I was thinking the same thing. When I leave the chiropractor, i will need something to calm me down from that.

June 21, 2005 02:53 PM | Link to this

GOOGLE

By Ivy

June 21, 2005 02:57 PM | Link to this

MissU, don’t ya just love mommy and daughter day….Babygirl loves to go to the nail salon and every 2 weeks like clockwork she’s asking for a mani/pedi…..now it’s not really a mani/pedi but the nail tech pretends she’s pushing back her cuticles and then she massages her hands and little toes, then paints them. She adores it. That’s a great birthday surprise for your daughter, she’ll love it and remember it.

By MsAP

June 21, 2005 03:00 PM | Link to this

You can buy vibrating condoms HERE

It is powered by a light battery and can run for up to 18 minutes. How many men can last up to 3 minutes??

June 21, 2005 03:06 PM | Link to this

She will and not to mention, she’s a minature me. I am in trouble. lol I have different things I share with each child so each experience is unique to them. Where do i find the time?

By MsAP

June 21, 2005 03:07 PM | Link to this

Ivy - Every 2 weeks? How old is your daughter? I can’t remember the last time I went to a salon for a mani/pedi. I do my own. I do a lot of work around the house bother with serious nail maintenance. I always wondered if women who get long acrylics actaully do any work. I haven’t been to a hair salon in well over 6 years, probably more.

By Ivy

June 21, 2005 03:07 PM | Link to this

DasK, that’s not the same as finding a professional someone (through word of mouth) whose experienced hands can work out all the kinks you didn’t even know you had…….nothing like some strong hands that can deeply penetrate those knots in your back and warm those sore muscles to a totally relaxed state.

June 21, 2005 03:13 PM | Link to this

Ok so who is going to buy it, try it out (more than once) and report back to the blog? I vote SWATS - are ya down?

June 21, 2005 03:14 PM | Link to this

LOL @ IVY - HUH?

massage convo going on at the same time as a vibrating condom going on… HI, BTW.

@MsAP - first time, second time, third time, what you mean? I have lasted 1.5 hours before. when I was MUCH younger even. oh, you go to the airport today?

By MsAP

June 21, 2005 03:16 PM | Link to this

For those interested in MASSAGES…

Check out the Atlanta School of Massage

They offer massages by students, graduates and professional therapists at much better rates than most trendy day spas. I treated myself for my birthday last year and the massage and service was excellent.

By Ivy

June 21, 2005 03:18 PM | Link to this

MsAP…..She’s almost 7 and just hilarious! She knows my payday and keeps up w/ her allowance and everything. She knows how to negotiate for what she wants, which is a good thing. But it’s hilarious because I can’t get over her little independence cuz it seems like just the other day when my belly was growing big w/ her (Awwwwwwwwwwww! I think I’m missing her now) and how she wants to know how much everything costs so she can save or earn the money to get it. Just too cute!

By Tray

June 21, 2005 03:21 PM | Link to this

Ok will this day ever end. oh yea, it is the LONGEST day of the year. great! why do we have to be stuck at work for it, can’t it be a national holiday?? jeesh oh petes!

By Ivy

June 21, 2005 03:26 PM | Link to this

I know, Dask….after I typed it I thought, maybe he wasn’t talking to me….then I went back and read and was cracking up about the vibrating condom…..oh well. hahahahhahaha!

MsAP, the school is cool but it doesn’t guarantee that you are going to get someone that’s the bomb!!!! I need the deep tissue and the hot stone massage. Heck, I need two working on me at once….my poor body just hurts. I think that’s from me trynna pack up and moving furniture over the weekend.

By MsAP

June 21, 2005 03:33 PM | Link to this

Ivy - The only thing I looked forward to when I was 7 was catching any kind of creepy crawler to bring home and keep as a pet, playing outside until the street lights came on, and racing all the boys in the neighboorhood so they could eat my dust.

Das - 1.5 hours? U must have taken some early form of viagra. I will be huggin and kissin my Honey in exactly 48 hours! And he won’t be leaving my sight for the next few days.

By MsAP

June 21, 2005 03:37 PM | Link to this

Ivy - Unless you know someone there, you aren’t guaranteed to get someone at the other spas either. You can call and tell them exactly what you want and they should be able to provide you the service you need. I suggest you tell you man where it hurts and have him heal your pain.

By sean0505

June 21, 2005 03:40 PM | Link to this

Imperfect - Thank you for all the kind words, your a dear. I do what I can ;) and I am only me

Das, Taz and everyone else, thanks for the welcome back. I couldn’t remember my exact old name so I took a stab at it haha

By MsAP

June 21, 2005 03:40 PM | Link to this

Speaking of condoms…check out an ad for Italian Chewing Gum HERE

June 21, 2005 03:41 PM | Link to this

Key Lime has the hottest masseurs, oh and they have skills too!

By Tazzee

June 21, 2005 03:42 PM | Link to this

EPO If my future husband has not planned then we need to start working on it. I wouldn’t wait to marry him, however I have always said that I will not have children if we are not financially stable enough for me to stay home at least 6 months. Who knows, I might be going crazy after 6 weeks but I want to have that option. BTW - I no longer desire to be a stay-at-home Mom, really don’t want children but I’m glad I had that motivation to pay off my debt when I did have that desire.

Ivy Does this mean you won’t need packing help this weekend?

June 21, 2005 03:42 PM | Link to this

LOL @ MsAP - no, no viagra or anything similiar…

June 21, 2005 03:51 PM | Link to this

Tazzee staying home for 6 months would not be a hard thing to d after you are married. Even with reasonable bills and a student loan. What I meant by staying home and raising children on 1 income was at least until the kids start school. A few months can be arranged with some planning but that should have no bearing on getting married, you two can work towards 6 months or a year’s worth of savings.

Well good folks I guess I’m out for today.. I will join you guys and gals in the morning.. unless I win the Lotto.

June 21, 2005 03:54 PM | Link to this

@ Sean - so now you are ‘0505’, not ‘050’. well “still” Sean..LOL

let me guess, May, 2005. LMAO

I was at a rifle range once, guy next to me had a 50-caliber elephant gun, real old style, he was hitting some gong thing about 400 yards out. except metal was thin enough to go through, no richochet that way. and LOUD!

By MsAP

June 21, 2005 03:54 PM | Link to this

Taz - I’m with you. I want to prepare to stay home for the first year. Then it’s back to work, because I don’t see myself being a stay at home mom either. I think I’d feel like a caged bird.

We are going to work on a plan to have our own business and at least have the flexibility for both of us to stay home at least 1 or 2 days a week.

By Single in LA

June 21, 2005 03:56 PM | Link to this

@ MsAp that was funny.

By Mia

June 21, 2005 04:00 PM | Link to this

Miss Understood - I’m in the newsroom and I don’t see an email from you in my account.

June 21, 2005 04:04 PM | Link to this

I caught that dask….. 1.5 huh?

It does happen, in fact it has happened for much longer…..

By Ivy

June 21, 2005 04:06 PM | Link to this

I know, that’s why I wanted a specific person that I can call and ask for. I just found a card for this guy I used to use. I hope his number is still the same.

By Tazzee

June 21, 2005 04:06 PM | Link to this

Dere is a God! OK, for some reason my computer wouldn’t let me listen to the Stews these past two days. Well I have this old radio in my office and I was going crazy not being able to ‘Stew’ so I decided to try to get 790 on the radio - and its coming through!

Yes, yes, yes - dere is a God!

By Tray

June 21, 2005 04:07 PM | Link to this

all right ladies, give me some “outfit help” please. going to Chastain on the 9th to see Vanessa Williams, what should I wear? come on suggestions, pointers, etc

also, I grew up in a single income family, Dad did not make no 80K. As they have told em, they make more with him being retired then they did when he worked. We didn’t eat out often, but I really didn’t go without. I was raised with the concept of money and to appreciate everything I had because the money tree did not grow.

on another side note, has Carrington been in here today? He said something happened at work yesterday, hope all is well…

Mia you made it in so your car is gonna make it???

June 21, 2005 04:08 PM | Link to this

Hi Single in LA!

Mia - I hope your week gets better. Hang in there play cousin, I have been sort of stressed out this week too and I am just trying not to drink myself into oblivion. LOL.

June 21, 2005 04:08 PM | Link to this

I will resend it, i sent it from my work addy. If you see an addy that looks weird that could be mine.

June 21, 2005 04:09 PM | Link to this

@MSAP- just watched the Italian schoolgir/bubble gum..too funny

By Mia

June 21, 2005 04:10 PM | Link to this

Aight…I got it.

By Tazzee

June 21, 2005 04:12 PM | Link to this

Miss Understood - can you send that information to me too?

Oh and I spoke too soon, as soon as I hit post I lost the AM signal on my radio. Oh well to that…

June 21, 2005 04:13 PM | Link to this

Well all, I have to go and get my back twisted again. I will chat tomorrow.

By Ivy

June 21, 2005 04:14 PM | Link to this

OH, Tazzee, I may still need some help, it just depends on how much we get done by Saturday. I still have all of next week too and next weekend.

June 21, 2005 04:16 PM | Link to this

Chastain has a LOT of trekking, so definitely comfy shoes, and because it is hot, you should wear something that is light. I would go with a cute dress with stlyish flats or even better tennis shoes would be even better.

By Prettiladyga

June 21, 2005 04:19 PM | Link to this

On topic - I am dealing with some issues with my Dad. I have not had a conversation with him this year that didn’t end with yelling and feeling horrible. I came to a conclusion that I love him for giving me life, but have choose to remove myself from his life.

I am 34 and still he has the ability to disappoint and hurt me. I called him briefly Sunday - not to wish him Happy Father’s Day, but to tell him that the lies his family are spreading ‘bout me are dead wrong. His family is callin all over Georgia and Florida with lies about me because they do not know any of my business. He calls my sister in Florida with the lies and then she calls me. He actually expected me to wish him ‘Happy Father’s Day’. I buried my mother and father in ‘99 when my mother passed.

He has no idea how to be a father. He married a woman who doesn’t want him to have anything to do with his children (6 kids from the age of 34 to 12) or family. He will bend over backwards for her children, her family, and his friends, but when it comes to his own flesh in blood - he is most happy when things are going bad for them.

I have come to terms with the fact that I will never have the father I desire. Therefore, I want no part of him in my life. I am at peace with this decision.

By MsAP

June 21, 2005 04:20 PM | Link to this

Mia - I feel you on the car trouble. I’m on my way to see if my grease monkey fixed my AC.

Sidenote: If anyone has a NISSAN, my mechanic is the bomb. Hit me up if you want his info.

I’m outta here yall. Have a great afternoon. GO PISTONS!!!

By Single in LA

June 21, 2005 04:21 PM | Link to this

Hello Wise

June 21, 2005 04:21 PM | Link to this

Tazzee U got mail.

June 21, 2005 04:44 PM | Link to this

Tray I never said it was impossible. I did say it was getting close to impossible in today’s world to raise a family on a single income of less than $80K.

I would imagine that if your pops did make 80K your family would have had a much easier time and a better standard of living. No matter where you started your life after high school, you would have had a more opprotunities if your folks had more money. I am not saying money is all important but the more you have the better chance you can provide your children to make it on their own.

Provided the facts that we don’t want to raise a family in the projects and we don’t want to struggle unnecessarily… I would say that it is becoming more unlikely as time goes on to survive on a single moderate income.

DOwn here in FL 2 income families that make $80K are barely making it, but like I said before it is more expensive down here.. perhaps in ATL a family can get by on $65-70K.. but none the less most folks don’t make that much on a single income.

yeah I at home.. had to check in on this topic though

By Tray

June 21, 2005 04:48 PM | Link to this

wise thanks! I got the flats and I think I have the dress in mind. however I’ll check to see if I can find something that isn’t dry clean only.

y’all have a good night

June 21, 2005 04:49 PM | Link to this

off topic but interesting Anybody see the show on discovery health last night called I am my own twin??? It was about people born with 2 sets of DNA. 2 ladies in the US had kids who’d DNA was a 0% match because when the mothers were tested only one set of their DNA showed up, but the set that their child recieved was not the same as the one the Mother’s test showed…

In another case there was a baby who was born literally half black and half white… there was a vertical line going from head to between the legs down the middle of the bobay’s body, the right side was black and the left side was white, also due to having 2 sets of DNA.

I never knew this was possible but also its kind of scary to think that your kids might not seem to be your kids when they are tested.

By Tazzee

June 21, 2005 04:59 PM | Link to this

Thanks Miss U!

PrettiLady - I’m sorry to hear about your relationship with your father. I pray you find it in your heart to forgive him because eventhough you are at peace with your decision - apparently he remains in your life somehow. So hopefully you two will be able to co-exist peacefully.