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AJC.com > Living > Blog > Archives > 2005 > January
January 2005
15-Day Love Challenge
The Atlanta Journal-Constitution
At the beginning of the year, Match.com launched the 15-Day Love Challenge to help singles jump-start their dating lives. I think you can have a 15-day love challenge anytime of the year. But since Valentine’s Day is about two weeks away I thought this might be an appropriate time to start this “workout” program and take a more positive and proactive approach to dating.
The complete 15-Day Love Challenge an be found on the Match.com website. Highlights include:
Reflect on you
Take a moment to write a list of what qualities you are looking
for in a mate - the qualities that he or she must have. Next, take
your list and remove one or two of your “must-haves.” This will help you cast a wider net, and you will be surprised at the people you meet.
What you put out is what you will attract
Singles say they are most attracted to people who are happy and optimistic, so think of three things you are thankful for, write them down, and tuck them in your wallet. Refer to it when you need a mood boost, and you’ll be able to carry that positive attitude with you throughout the day.
Fake a date
Go out with a friend of the opposite sex. There’s a new awareness that you’re more attractive to the opposite sex when you’ve got a pal of the opposite sex with you.
Take time for yourself
Developing your interests makes you more interesting to others, and you just might meet someone who shares those interests in the process.
Friend connection
Tell two new people that you’re interested in being set up. You’ll expand your pool of potential dates exponentially.
Practice makes perfect
Take time to practice your conversation skills with a co-worker or acquaintance. Instead of matching them story for story or talking about what you did last weekend, practice listening, asking questions
and showing real curiosity in their answers. This skill will spark better conversation on dates.
Be bold - don’t be afraid to ask for that first date
Match.com research shows that singles who actively search for dates are a lot more likely to win at the dating game.
Flirt a little
Practice your wink; work on opening lines and try them out on someone, even if you aren’t sure he or she is your type. Your goal here is to become more confident and feel comfortable taking a
proactive role in meeting someone new.
Mix and mingle
Grab a friend and go to an event that guarantees conversation and communication with some new people. As Anonymousella would suggest, try a wine tasting.
Pull back and look at the big picture
Remind yourself that dating is a process, and every imperfect date tells you more about who you are - and who you want to be with - which will lead you one step closer to finding true love.
So bloggers are you up for the challenge? Can a person’s perspective and approach to dating truly be changed in 15 days?
Permalink | Comments (195) | Categories: Mix & Mingle
Come back to me
The Atlanta Journal-Constitution
Come back to me
I’m beggin’ you please
Come back to me
I want you to
Come back to me
I’m beggin’ you please
Come back to me
—Janet Jackson
How far would you go to get somebody back that you love? Well, a man in Jacksonville, Fla., took out a full-page ad in the newspaper. That apology cost him $17,000 and so far, she has not responded. You can read the story for yourself.
So have you ever gone to extremes to get someone back that you love? Did it work? What ways to say I’m sorry do you suggest?
Permalink | Comments (327) | Categories: Current Events
Flirting Tips
The Atlanta Journal-Constitution
When it comes to flirting, women tend to be more subtle in their approach and most men would appreciate a larger clue that a woman is interested in them.
By no means do I think I am flirtatious. I think women in Atlanta are very forward but not necessarily flirtacious. So in this transition from being “vanilla,” one of my friends sent me an e-mail with tips for flirting.
1. Repeated contact.
At least three separate verbal or non-verbal clues need to be given. Why? The first time he’s going to look around and make sure it’s really him that you are flirting with. The second, he knows it’s him and he gets flushed and pleased. (At this point he’ll probably walk by you and at least smile. He’s checking you out a little more.) The third time you can express interest - by introducing yourself, or commenting on his tie or waving from across the room. Now he knows you are open to meeting and it will be a cinch.
2. Whisper.
It always gets their attention. Ask him if you can tell him a secret …Then whisper in his ear: ‘I just love your tie … can I buy it from you when you are done with it?’
3. Don’t sit with other women.
Men don’t want you to reject them in front of an audience. If you do go out with a friend, separate every so often or take a breather from talking. Men do not want to risk your disapproval by interrupting you. (You have already missed out on a lot of quality polite men who didn’t want to interrupt.)
4. Treat them gently.
If someone you are not interested in approaches you and flirts, be nice. All the other men are watching to see what you do. If you laugh after he leaves or show visual disapproval, you are cutting your chances that anyone else will approach you. Try shaking his hand and saying something like: ‘It was so nice of you to approach me. What’s your name? Tom? Tom, I know how hard it is to meet people. I might have a girlfriend who would be interested in you.’
5. IF he acts like a JERK! Be polite but firm.
Hand him a copy of the men’s version of ‘Flirting with Greatness’ and ask him to go practice on someone else. Firmly say that ‘lines’ with sexual overtones are not only unattractive to you but to most other women in the world.
6. Use the buddy system.
Walk through a group of men and have someone watch to see who’s checking you out.
7. Become more irresistible!
Show a little leg. Wear higher heels. The redder the lipstick, the more available and noticeable you will be. Arch your back a little as you sit up tall and cross your legs high. Wear earrings that are interesting enough to make someone comment on them.
8. Look over your shoulder and smile at him.
This asymmetrical position is always a signal you are interested.
9. Give him a look all over from head to toe - nod with approval and then flash him your most winning smile.
10. Remember that flirting is a way of connecting from the heart and acknowledging someone. Be generous! Have fun!
What flirting techniques work for you?
Permalink | Comments (162) | Categories: Mix & Mingle
What’s NOT Important in a Relationship
The Atlanta Journal-Constitution
Neil Clark Warren, Ph.D., founder of eHarmony.com provides a list of traits that don’t seem to matter so much when it comes to long-term compatibility.
1. Formal Education
Intelligence is a crucial similarity, but formal education doesn’t
seem to be a necessity in terms of a similarity. If you have
intelligence in common, the two of you can be quite differently
educated on a formal level.
2. Age
Only in America do we make a big thing about two people being of a
similar age. In other civilized countries of the Western world, there
are examples of two persons who are quite dissimilar in terms of age.
She can be older, he can be older, and they get along perfectly well.
3. Sense of Humor
Well, it’s nice to have two people who laugh at the same thing. They
don’t need to be similarly talented in terms of wit. Sometimes it’s
helpful if they’re not. For instance, one person can be the
entertainer and one person can specialize in being entertained.
4. Sleep Habits
If the person in whom you are deeply interested has a different set of sleeping habits, for instance, maybe he only sleeps five hours a night and she may require eight hours a night, if there is sensitivity in the relationship so that he will be quiet so that she can continue to sleep as long as she needs to, the two of you will get along fine.
5. Energy Level for Physical Activity
Plenty of couples involve a situation in which he or she, though more often he, has more energy for physical activities outside. She doesn’t have as much energy, but they do just fine together because they have so many similarities over in the other areas.
Do you agree with this list of traits that don’t seem to matter so much when it comes to long-term compatibility? What would you add?
Permalink | Comments (223) | Categories: Relationships
Ask Him Out
The Atlanta Journal-Constitution
We have talked a lot about dating this month. From what your first three dates should be to some creative dating ideas. Well, it’s time to put our talking into action.
Thanks to CrazySexyCool for sending me this article from match.com on tips for asking him out.
- Be confident, charming and calm
Guys get just as nervous asking us out so at least pretend to be all of the above.
- Grab a natural segue
It’s all about the timing. You have to look for some opening in your conversation that can allow for you to make an invitation.
- Be direct and specific
“Would you like to go out with me some time?” is too open-ended of a question. Have a date and activity in mind.
- Keep it simple
For a first date, something casual and relaxed is a better bet than something overly romantic or intimate.
- Don’t overwhelm him
Some men like the idea of women making the first move. But if he is not receptive to your invitation, back away gracefully.
Any other suggestions? Guys, what works best for you when asking a lady out or when a lady asks you out?
Permalink | Comments (215) | Categories: Dating
What men really want
The Atlanta Journal-Constitution
At the seminar, “The Gift of Love,” Chris Cokley and Aaron Blake, authors of “Why Can’t You See Me? Good Men Do Exist!’ shared their list of eight things men say they really want in women.
A woman who is physically attractive to him; someone who can make him feel excited every time he sees her.
A woman that makes him feel like he is the love of her life.
A woman who makes him feel needed on every level: mentally, physically, emotionally and financially.
A woman who is fun to be around.
A woman who understands the importance of food in building a family and a relationship.
A women who is fabulous sexually.
A women who is financially responsible.
A women who is family-adaptive, one who can blend into his family and have a relationship with his parents and siblings.
Gentlemen, is this what y’all really want? Anything to add to the list as a must have? Ladies, don’t we want a lot of the same things in a man? So what is with the disconnect?
Permalink | Comments (224) | Categories: Dating
Not in God’s House
The Atlanta Journal-Constitution
Myth: The best place to find a mate is at church!
No blasphemy intended. I know that from a young age we are taught that you can find a mate in church but I’m here to argue that it ain’t so.
The Bodyguard and I had a long conversation about why he is single. I said he appears to be a good man, active in church, single, no kids, never married … so why is he not in a relationship or married?
He told me he wants a Christian woman but it will not be some one that goes to his church. He said there is too much gossiping in church. If he shows the least bit of interest in a woman from his church it is suddenly rumored that they are an item. He also said that if the relationship doesn’t work out he doesn’t want to be the person people are whispering about in church. And due to his position in church, head armor bearer, he tries to stay above the pettiness of what goes on in church and distracts from the message and the spirit.
So you can find a mate in church but probably not in your own church. This reminds me of what my momma said. You don’t excrete where you eat or eat where you excrete. If it’s not cool to date a co-worker, it might also be true that it’s not cool to date someone in your church.
What do y’all think about that? It goes against every thing I was taught but it makes sense to me.
Permalink | Comments (188) | Categories: Dating
Three Questions
The Atlanta Journal-Constitution
In the very first conversation “Stripper Man” and I ever had he noted that there were three questions I was supposed to ask him. I laughed because we had talked about those three important questions to ask on the blog, but I thought it was just a theory, not common practice.
What are the three questions?
1. Are you married or in a relationship?
2. Do you have any children?
3. Have you ever had a same-sex sexual encounter?
“Stripper Man” really made me ask him those questions. I told him I didn’t feel it was necessary because through our conversations it was clear that he was not married or in a relationship, did not have any children and was strongly opposed to homosexuality (started talking about the Bible when we got on that topic).
SM said it really is essential for women in Atlanta to ask those questions. But I told him that asking the questions doesn’t necessarily guarantee you will get the truth.
When you meet someone you are interested in, do you ask the three questions? Guys, what three questions do you ask? How useful are those questions in qualifying or eliminating a potential date?
Name Mia's next suitor
Permalink | Comments (268) | Categories: Dating, Mix & Mingle
Stripper Man
The Atlanta Journal-Constitution
One of my New Year’s resolutions is to lose my “vanilla” status.
One of my girlfriends describes me as vanilla when it comes to dating and relationships. So I have to do more to step outside of my comfort zone. Well, I stepped out of my comfort zone and into Club Mirage for Chippendales.
I had never seen male strippers unless you count watching “Real Sex” on HBO. I had heard about how excited and wild the women can get but I had never experienced it for myself.
My girlfriends and I planted ourselves at a table that was elevated. Just our luck it was right next to where the strippers were going to enter and exit. When we first sat down I spotted a very nice looking guy. He was easy to see in the sea of women. We thought he might be one of the strippers. I sparked up a little conversation with him.
I asked him if he was the bodyguard for the strippers or something. He laughed. He was the cousin of one of the strippers and he assists him and some of the other guys by putting props on the stage before they perform and collecting the dollars from the stage. But he said, “I am head armor-bearer at my church.” I didn’t know what that was. He explained it is a person who protects the pastor, both physically and spiritually while they are focused on the message that they are about to deliver. I guess that explained why he resembled a bodyguard.
The show begins with all the strippers being introduced. They are in regular street clothes, not their costumes. The first guy quickly changes and the show begins.
My girlfriends didn’t know which was more entertaining … the strippers or my reaction. I was laughing, shaking my head in disbelief, covering my eyes, sinking in my seat, and repeating “how do they do that?”
The guy I had spotted earlier stood near me for most of the show. He had his head down most of the time or he would be laughing at me along with my girlfriends. My girlfriends kept telling me to talk to him or move closer to him. But I was feeling very shy. It was awkward to be at a male strip show trying to talk to a guy.
The show ended and the guy started to put on his coat. I asked him, “You’re leaving before the best part.” “What part is that?” “When the show is over and we get to dance,” I said. He smiled and stayed to talk to me for a few more minutes. We exchanged numbers before he left.
A strip show is the last place I thought I would meet someone. Where is the oddest place you have ever met a potential interest?
Now it’s your turn. I promised y’all could name the next potential suitor in Mia’s life. So I’ll describe him and you can suggest names. I’ll put a poll up on Monday for voting and we’ll pick his name.
He is 29, 6’2, 220lbs, originally from Brooklyn, N.Y., but has lived in Atlanta for about 10 years. He is very active in his church (head armor-bearer). He is into watching and playing sports, particularly baseball/softball. Things he likes most about Mia: my smile and my strong hugs.
Permalink | Comments (374) | Categories: Mix & Mingle
Husband-Father Figure
The Atlanta Journal-Constitution
What is a good man? Is the definition only in the eye and the heart of the beholder?
If you are dating in the hopes of getting married and having children, Chris Cokley and Aaron Blake, authors of “Why Can’t You See Me? Good Men Do Exist!” say there are six characteristics all men who plan to be a husband and father need to possess.
1. He should be able to provide a home for you and any subsequent children.
He should be financially responsible now and have a plan for the future.
2. He should have a goal and a vision of what he wants his family life to be.
If he doesn’t want to be in a committed relationship, then he is not someone you should be dating right now.
3. You have to feel he is capable of making all the important decisions for the family.
He needn’t actually make all the decisions without seeking your counsel, but you should feel comfortable allowing him to if the need arises.
4. He should be a gentleman at all times in public and whatever you want him to be at home.
Just because you want a thug in the bedroom does not mean you have to date a thug in the streets.
5. He should have some sense of community and be willing to provide leadership.
Community is a very big part of raising children and affects the safety of the home and family.
6. He should be confident, secure, trusting and focused on achieving goals.
No explanation needed.
The authors add: “The six points covered should be the universal characteristics of all good men. If someone is a good man for you personally, it will require you to do a little more research to see if you’re compatible. Don’t compromise on these characteristics at all. They are the foundation and core of all good men.”
Do you agree with that these are the universal characteristics all good men should have? What are some characteristics all women who plan to be a wife and mother should have before you date them?
Permalink | Comments (357) | Categories: Dating
Date Night
The Atlanta Journal-Constitution
I’ve been told that the most successful marriages are those in which the rules of dating — be romantic, make special plans in advance and so on — still apply. Non-married couples can fall into a routine and forget to still date each other. Married couples are even more likely to fall into a routine especially if they have kids. Every relationship needs to have a date night.
Here are four simple tips to make the most out of date night.
1. Get out of the house.
No activity at home counts toward date night because it will remind you of your practical and logistical matters.
2. No movies and no other entertainment that requires you to face in the same direction.
You are the entertainment and the point is that you need at least a couple of hours to really be together.
3. Don’t invite anyone else and don’t attend anything social.
Date night is for you and your mate only.
4. Schedule at least a couple of hours for date night.
You shouldn’t have to worry about the time or getting back home to do something.
Get creative with date night. Experiment and find fun things to do together. Take a board game to a coffee shop. Go to the local amusement park. Have a picnic in the park. Enjoy a quiet meal at a restaurant. Whatever you do, focus on each other. Date night is not about what you do; it’s about you.
Any other tips for how to make the most out of your date night?
Permalink | Comments (330) | Categories: Dating
10 Myths About Men
The Atlanta Journal-Constitution
It seems everyone has a different take on this topic. I’m now reading “Why Can’t You See Me? Good Men Do Exist!” by Chris Cokley and Aaron Blake. Here’s their version:
- They are all dogs.
- They can’t be trusted.
- They only want one thing: sex.
- They value your body more than your mind.
- They enjoy being single.
- They are intimidated by how much money women make.
- They don’t respect women.
- They don’t grow up.
- They are afraid of love.
- They are afraid of commitment.
Are these really myths? What is the truth? What other myths are there about men? What are some myths about women?
Permalink | Comments (414) | Categories: Mix & Mingle
Non-Sexual One Night Stand
The Atlanta Journal-Constitution
I know y’all are thinking what is a “non-sexual one-night stand”? Well, it’s just that.
I went out to the club recently with some of my friends. I met a guy who sparked my interest and we exchanged numbers. He told me to call him when I left the club and maybe we could meet up. I didn’t know he meant that night.
So I call him and he was actually lost (recent transplant to Atlanta) and in need of gas. He needed to find a gas station on his way back to his condo in Buckhead. So I guided him home and he invited me to his place. I was hesitant because it was late and I had just met this guy. But something in me told me to take a chance. We talked for awhile and watched the movie “Face Off.” We fell asleep and I left when I woke up the next morning.
I never heard from the guy again. Most women are left feeling empty after having a one-night stand. I was left thinking he was a nice guy but I’m glad nothing happened between us.
My friends think these kinds of experiences only happen to Mia. I hope the blog can prove them wrong. Have you ever had a non-sexual one-night stand or an unusual one-time dating experience?
Permalink | Comments (101) | Categories: Mix & Mingle
Creative Dating - Part 3
The Atlanta Journal-Constitution
Dating does not have to be the same old dinner and a movie. You can find some dating ideas in the Creative Dating Guide. I also recently read an article on match.com about 15 new places to date.
1. Conservatory in winter
It is warm and romantic
2. An outdoor fountain in the summer
Be a kid again and play in the fountains at Centennial Park.
3. Attend a gospel church service for the music
You can stomp and clap along and it can make your soul feel good.
4. Climb to the top of the highest building in your town
The climb may be hard but the view once you get to the top will be worth it.
5. Book a visit to a day spa
Get a massage on tables next to each other.
6. Go to a county fair, carnival or circus
Ringling Bros. and Universoul Circus will both be back in mid-February.
7. Go dancing
There are places that offer free lessons and you can learn together.
8. Cook together
You can do this at home or sign up for a class together.
9. Go to an author reading at a local bookstore
Buy the book, get it autographed and read the book together cuddled up at home.
10. Attend a wine-tasting party
These are usually not too expensive and you can expand your horizons.
11. Go Bowling
Bowling alleys offer late night bowling under black lights and you can’t help but dance to the music.
12. Get up early and go to the local farmer’s market
Sample the fresh produce and share a hearty breakfast.
13. Go to the aquarium or zoo
The new aquarium doesn’t open until the fall but Zoo Atlanta is open all year.
14. Go to a dog or cat show
Perfect for animal lovers.
15. Hold your own scavenger hunt
This is an opportunity to be really creative. The scavenger hunt can be at home or take you both all over the city.
I know we talked about this last year but since those entries were lost, and we have some new bloggers and lurkers, I thought it would be a good time to make the request again.
Permalink | Comments (159) | Categories: Dating
PLEASE STOP DATING!!!
The Atlanta Journal-Constitution
More from the authors, Chris Cokley and Aaron Blake, of “Why Can’t You See Me? Good Men Do Exist!”
Here are 10 signs to let you know if you are honestly not ready to date:
If you still have feelings for someone in your past, stop dating.
If you are still bitter about your last break-up, stop dating.
If you’re not ready to be intimate with someone again, stop dating.
If you think all men are dogs and can’t be trusted (or that all women are golddigers and can’t be trusted), stop dating.
If you currently have a significant other, but you’re mad at the person, stop dating.
If you put your career above having a relationship, stop dating.
If your life is not organized, please stop dating.
If you’re not looking for a relationship, stop dating. Just have friends who know that’s all you want.
If you’re just looking for help with your bills, stop dating. Get a better job.
If you’re looking for something to do because you’re bored, stop dating. Read a book or get a hobby.
Do you agree or disagree with the authors reasons to stop dating? Do you have any other tell-tale signs that a person should not be dating.?
Permalink | Comments (422) | Categories: Dating
First Three Dates
The Atlanta Journal-Constitution
I attended a seminar in December called “The Gift of Love.” My friends and I had actually RSVP’d for it a few days before Vince aka S.W.A.T.S. posted it on the blog. After attending, I see that Vince is a devout believer in the premise of what the authors of “Why Can’t You See Me? Good Men Do Exist!” I got a few interesting blog topics out of that seminar. So the first one I’m going to bring to the blog is the “First Three Dates.”
According to the authors, Chris Cokley and Aaron Blake, the first three dates should be:
1st date - A coffee shop
This is a cheap first date and gives the couple a chance to talk and get to know each other.
2nd date - Some place the guy likes to go
For example, if a place he likes to go is D&B, he probably goes there often. Thus when y’all go on this date you will meet people that he knows and will get to see how he interacts with others.
3rd date - His place
The authors’ reasoning? They say they know too many women who have been in an intimate relationship with someone for months and didn’t know they had a live-in girlfriend or were married because they never went over to his place.
Now before y’all jump all over these, keep in mind that the first three dates won’t happen in the first week. The third date may not come until a month later.
What do you think of their suggestions? Any suggestions of your own?
Permalink | Comments (430) | Categories: Dating
Dating Detachment
The Atlanta Journal-Constitution
It’s a new year and I said I would jump back into the dating pool. My friends and I were talking about whether women can date with the same emotional detachment that men appear to display.
First, it is assumed because women are emotional creatures that we easily “fall in love” or “catch deep feelings.” It is also assumed that men are better at hiding how they feel. But let’s throw out these assumptions.
As it has been said on this blog before, on a first date, you are meeting the ‘representative’ so I think both parties can display the same emotional detachment.
One of my male friends thinks men and women approach dating the same. Dates fall into one of three categories: 1 - this is a person I would like to have sex with. 2 - this person is just going to be a friend. 3 - I’m not sure about this person so let me see if there’s more there.
Another one of my male friends completely disagrees. He said women are not built to have casual anything and will at some point catch feelings and want more with the man.
What does it really mean to date like a man? What’s the healthiest attitude or outlook to have when dating? Do you need to have a set goal in mind or can you just date for the fun of dating?
Permalink | Comments (320) | Categories: Dating
Matchmaker
The Atlanta Journal-Constitution
Matchmaker, Matchmaker,
Make me a match,
Find me a find,
catch me a catch
Matchmaker, Matchmaker
Look through your book,
And make me a perfect match
— Fiddler on the roof
There is a serious business in matchmaking. I was watching a 20/20 special and they did a story on a matchmaking service and an actual school to teach people how to be matchmakers.
They say the best matches are the referral kind. You know where a friend says they know someone you should meet. I can’t say that I’m a good matchmaker. For the most part I try not to do it so if the two people don’t click they won’t come back to me saying it was my fault. And I can’t say that I have had success with referrals from friends.
Have you ever been set up by your friend(s) or played the matchmaker? How did it turn out? Have you ever considered using or used a matchmaker service?
Permalink | Comments (180) | Categories: Current Events
