View from the cop: Crime & punishment
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AJC.com > Metro > View from the cop > Archives > 2008 > December > 01 > Entry
On holiday eating and shopping
The Atlanta Journal-Constitution
I went to Cincinnati for Thanksgiving.
I had a nice dinner and then complained about how much I ate—then had another piece of pumpkin pie. I like pumpkin pie at 3 a.m. when it’s ice cold. I never had a taste for the pecan pie as much as pumpkin.
We go to Cincinnati at least once a year. Detective Sandy requires this for her Gold Star Chili fix. She is obsessed to the point of being scary. I like it too but she’s in her own weird Gold Star Chili zone. Going up I-75, the first Gold Star is in Lexington at Man O’ War Boulevard. I know this because I’m required to stop here, not two exits down the road, but here, regardless of time of day.
After a small ceremony where she chants to the chili gods, we eat a four-way (onions) and thank the staff, take some photos, and we’re on the way. Cincinnati is less than two hours north—just about time for me to make it before nature says hello to Cincinnati Chili.
My worst fears were realized. Detective Sandy convinced her dad that we needed to get out and shop on Friday—early on Friday. How could this man do this to me? I don’t mind getting out and don’t really mind that much shopping when there’s something in it for me but I don’t like to mix it up with veteran shoppers who live for this day. It’s not even remotely fun.
Want to know how much fun it wasn’t? I had a stare-down with a tiny Samoan woman over a pair of Spiderman boxers. I caved. She was mentally prepared to do things I wasn’t. What fun is that?
I hate getting up early. To do this to shop is ridiculous. What’s wrong with these people? Even with the early morning crush of shoppers, the late afternoons were quiet. Why not even it out and open the doors at 10 a.m. instead of 5:30 a.m.
Now that the shopping season is here and we can’t do anything about it, know that the bottom dwellers are out too. Thefts from cars will go up. It’s the simplest crime to prevent but it will spike again if people continue to ignore common sense. Don’t leave packages in the back seat in full view. If you’re going to do the all-day marathon shopping, take a break and carry the first load home and then return. This will also give you a chance to drop your husband or boyfriend, or worse, fiancé off.
Guys, If you’re engaged, then you don’t have a prayer. Want proof? Do this: Go to the mega-mall and look at the faces of the men. Look for the “thousand-yard” stare. Those are the fiancés. They’re in deep enough and don’t have experience enough to get out of the shopping trips.
When they’re still in “boyfriend-girlfriend” phase, men still have a chance. They’re not yet on record as “fiancé.” Once there, however, all hope is lost and you might as well get your little green earth-friendly shopping bag and join the legion of doom as you accompany your lovely wife-to-be as you look for cute things for people you don’t even know that well. Why don’t you just go ahead and get matching sweatshirts to wear while you shop while you’re at it!
I’m sorry but I just hate to shop—especially when it doesn’t directly benefit me.
My kids are in the “gift-certificate” ages. I don’t give cash. They’ll blow it. I go for gasoline, grocery-store, or tattoo parlor certificates. Thoughtful, yet practical.
At some point this was going to be about preventing crime during the holiday shopping. I’ll follow up on that next. Funny how things work out.
Comments
By Dave
December 1, 2008 5:49 PM | Link to this
How can we get the various jurisdictions to cooperate on…funeral processions? The old rule was everyone stopped, however now it’s almost impossible and most jurisdictions know that and just try to roll them with as little traffic disruption as possible. Yet, there are some who treat them as pseudo presidential motorcades and if you get anywhere near them it’s a ticket and they tell you you have to stop even if it’s an oncoming procession on 285. The law is fuzzy and I wish it could get straightened out
By clyde
December 1, 2008 6:08 PM | Link to this
People are just dying to get to funerals and Dave’s complaining.
On Friday I stayed home with the bride and we did nothing.Much better than shopping.We went tonight to check out a new store that just opened.As I predicted,dollar store junk at high prices.Regular price $23.99,on sale for $19.99.I told the bride that they should put the regular price higher so people could save more money.She didn’t think that was funny.Lots of people,no one buying.The place will be closed by March.
Ice cold pumpkin pie is only bested by cold apple pie.Real apples please.No canned stuff.
By Cindy
December 1, 2008 9:02 PM | Link to this
Tatoo parlor gift certificates? I thought you put a limit on the number of tatoo’s? Did you lose that battle? :)
By Rebecca
December 1, 2008 11:39 PM | Link to this
Guys who are at boyfriend stage are at the mall willingly because they’re still trying to impress their gf’s:)
By Rebecca, well duh!
December 2, 2008 7:52 AM | Link to this
And, I’ve got something that will impress you! (And I know you are not easily impressed!)
By Political Foreskin
December 2, 2008 7:57 AM | Link to this
There is nothing in any mall that I have the least desire to own. I have hated malls ever since 1972. It was raining hard in Detroit that day my friends, and I watched it fall through the gigantic windows that formed the walls of the building I was in. A lady approached me and gave me some cash. I was a teller. This lady, about 50, but still very un-Aunt Bea-like, then began to describe how bored she was, and how she could only go to the mall so many times. (My god, SHE was coming on to ME.) But she did say the word mall, and I could tell she was a veteran mall rat, no longer so much a fashion star as clothes horse.
Women go into an act when they walk alone in the mall. It’s bad enough if they’ve just arrived and are scouting possible credit card abuse locations. Give them a Neiman Marcus bag with a new top in it, and they go full-goddess. Full Goddess. Unaproachable. Too good for you, pal. I used to position myself in their glide path to get a real good look. They seemed offended by my very presence. How dare I block their view of the fragrance counter?
So when this lady repudiated her life as a shopping diva I knew I had them all for the taking. I could get even with every single one of them by committing adultery with this one still pretty hot 50 something.
“I hate the mall.” was my subtle opening gambit.
“Well, I dont hate the mall, but I’m sick of it, and there got to be more to life…”
“Here’s your deposit book. I updated the interest. I…U….D….”
IUD was the acronym for interest up to date. IUD also had just made it into the lexicon as inter-uterine-device. I was sure the lady would appreciate the double entendre and suggest I follow her into the parking lot where she parked her van. The lady looked deep into my eyes, I felt we had made contact on a very deep, personal level, I felt that my life was about to change, and I could finally win against all those arrogant shoppers……
“Rich’s is having a one day sale. I think I’ll check it out….”
With that she turned and went into her mall act. I watched her as far as the parking lot through those huge windows that formed the walls of our bank.
By Hey, foreskin...
December 2, 2008 11:08 AM | Link to this
…practicing your creative writing? Everyone knows that Rich’s was a local Atlanta department store, so your fairy tale could not have happened in Detroit!
By "Spank" the monkey
December 2, 2008 3:16 PM | Link to this
Rebecca they’re not trying to impress their girlfriends, they just want to get laid later on. I’ll wait on my girlfriend as long as she wants just so I can get some snatch later.
That’s not a thousand yard stare on my face, I’m just thinking of all the nasty things I’m going to do to my babe for making me walk all day at the mall. She’ll pay out her a* at the mall, then pay out her a* when she gets home. I say “bend over honey, I got some Christmas cheer for you. I say bend OVER!”
By F1fan
December 2, 2008 3:37 PM | Link to this
Gold Star chili is good but Skyline is a million times better.
And you’re right about the shopping, there is nothing in the mall that I want bad enough to be up that early for, unless they’re giving away a McLaren sportscar or a bag full of money
By Stone
December 3, 2008 4:19 PM | Link to this
Spank’s got a girlfriend!! Way to go “Spank”! Now maybe you can stop abusing your…um…monkey. (at least until you get married, then you’ll pick up the habbit again)
By The Way
December 3, 2008 5:49 PM | Link to this
There is nothing in any mall that I have the least desire to own. I have hated malls ever since 1972. It was raining hard in Detroit that day my friends, and I watched it fall through the gigantic windows that formed the walls of the building I was in. A lady approached me and gave me some cash. I was a teller. This lady, about 50, but still very un-Aunt Bea-like, then began to describe how bored she was, and how she could only go to the mall so many times. (My god, SHE was coming on to ME.) But she did say the word mall, and I could tell she was a veteran mall rat, no longer so much a fashion star as clothes horse.
Women go into an act when they walk alone in the mall. It’s bad enough if they’ve just arrived and are scouting possible credit-card-abuse locations. Give them a Neiman Marcus bag with a new top in it, and they go full-goddess. Full Goddess. Unaproachable. Too good for you, pal. I used to position myself in their glide-path to get a real good look. They seemed offended by my very presence. How dare I block their view of the fragrance counter?
So when this lady repudiated her life as a shopping diva I knew I had them all for the taking. I could get even with every single one of them by committing adultery with this one still pretty-hot 50 something.
“I hate the mall.” was my subtle opening gambit.
“Well, I dont hate the mall, but I’m sick of it, and there’s got to be more to life…”
“Here’s your deposit book. I updated the interest. I…U….D….”
IUD was the acronym for interest up to date. IUD also had just made it into the lexicon as intrauterine device. (a self insert birth control thingie popular for swingers in the 70’s, morons. I cant believe the mail I got from folks who didn’t know about it. Morons. ALL! Honestly. No wonder you cant get laid. Try a spanish fly. Now THAT you understand. Retardorama. Idiots. Nitwits. Nincompoops. Jackasses. Losers. Honestly. Where? Where do you sac-shavers come from? IASKEDWHERE?)
I was sure the lady would appreciate the double entendre and I was equally certain that she would suggest I follow her into the parking lot where she parked her van.
The lady looked deep into my eyes, I felt we had made contact on a very superficial, yet compellingly plastic level, which are all the ingredients for guilt-free, touchy feely, grab anything that shows, no-rules sex, on a personal level of course.
I felt that my life was about to change, and that I could finally win against all those arrogant Shopping Ingenues……
“Rich’s is having a one day sale. I think I’ll check it out….”
With that bone-crushing remark she turned and went into her mall act. I watched her walk as far as the parking lot through those huge windows that formed the walls of our bank.
By "Spank"the monkey
December 3, 2008 9:23 PM | Link to this
You’re repeateing yourself PO-FO. The only one who digs your crap is you, and sometimes burger boy Fredneck, the biggest loser on this blog. Ain’t that right garedneck?
By Blogfather
December 4, 2008 6:48 AM | Link to this
You know, there’s alot of cats out there who think that, well, these cats are sayin’ that other cats dont dig what is real in the world. What I mean is, that these cats out there, (and there’s alot of cats out there, man), anyway, these cats all think that, well, what I’m trying to say is that there’s alot of cats, man, there’s cats everywhere, man, dont you see it? I dont know why I’m having trouble saying this, but…Cats R Everywhere. EverywhereRcats!!
all I’m sayin’
cats….
…..
everywhere…..
By Dixie
December 4, 2008 7:10 AM | Link to this
Wait a minute Spank. I too look foward analchord’s posts. I find them very amusing. At times, down right hilarious. Even when he attacks me or uses my name to post.
Lt Steve, I fully understand Detective Sandy’s love of that chili. Mine is for the fried pickles w/ dill sauce at The Blind Pig Tavern in Athens. They’re legend w/ the locals and surrounding areas. For the true lovers the first bite is orgasmic! Second major love is Fresh Air BBQ in Bogart. New Orleans Biegnets are a must for my sister in law. She periodically has some overnighted to her home and will drive 50 miles out of the way to get them fresh.
Is it only women who have these deep seeded loves of a particular food from a particular place? Do you guys have an absolute must that you’d drive out of the way for?
By "Spank"the monkey
December 4, 2008 7:13 PM | Link to this
Dixie you sweet soul, you’d find something to like about the devil himself and that is why we love you so. Still, he’s irratating and moronic and if you find humor in his drivel then you are easily amused, that’s all.
By Stone
December 4, 2008 9:03 PM | Link to this
Hey, be nice to the lady.
By Three Man Rush
December 5, 2008 7:10 AM | Link to this
CNN just reported that Doctors in France have thrown in the towel concerning judging whether a sudden cure at Lourdes is a “miracle” or not. Inspired by a visitation from the Virgin Mary, christians view Lourdes as a Mecca for the Sick, and for 150 years, doctors have reviewed claims of instantaneous cures after patients drank water from the spring there.
But no longer. French doctors have suddenly quit supporting or encouraging claims of cures. “Some folks simply needs killin’” one doctor suggested.
The doctors arrived at their decision after being stuck on the tarmac for 14 straight hours in a plane which only had one movie playing on a loop the entire time, (“Outlaw Josie Wales”).
“What sealed it for me”, insisted one doctor, “was that we were asked to review photo’s of Barbara Walter’s derriere to judge whether the cellulite has disappeared and is a miracle cure. I dont think this is what the Virgin intended”.
By Elmo
December 6, 2008 11:01 AM | Link to this
Everybody fighting over the same old cheap a** merchandise from China.
By Blognostibator
December 9, 2008 7:49 AM | Link to this
Steve Rose gives gift certificates as presents to his children. LOL to his joke about tatoo parlors. It reminds me of my own daughter’s answer when I asked if she got a tatoo in CanCun Mexico during one spring break. “Dont be silly, Daddy, they dont give you tatoos when you’re drunk”.
Then, when my daughter was 18, she insisted on a tatoo, and managed to badger my wife and I to meet her with other friends at that tatoo parlor near the Big Chicken in Marietta. We stood there as she reviewed all the possible tatoos that were available. “I want something classy that really sez me” she remarked blithely.
You know those pictures of models on hair salon walls that show you all the haircuts you can get and how good you can look? Well, they had pictures of stoners with completed tatoos on the wall in this place too, my friends. The artist/owner came out and started to pitch to my daughter. “Oh, we got something special just for you. Look here,” he pointed to one of the pictures on the wall, “we got Satan. Look over here,” (he pointed to the next picture on the wall), “we got Satan. Look over here. We got Satan. Oh, you one tuff customer. How ‘bout here? We got the devil…..”
I ended up paying my daughter 1000 dollars to leave without a tatoo that day my friends. (true story)
By Tom T
December 9, 2008 5:25 PM | Link to this
Shopping. Therein lies the fundamental difference between the sexes.
For men shopping is a necessary evil. If we need something we go to ONE store that sells what we need, we buy it, then we go hame and drink beer while sitting in our recliners in our underwear.
For women shopping is a recreational activity. They’ll visit 49 different stores when they need NOTHING, and celebrate at the end of the day because they got 20% off something they didn’t need or want in the first place.
Give me boxers and beer anytime.