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AJC.com > Metro > View from the cop > Archives > 2008 > September > 12
Friday, September 12, 2008
View from the Cop: The Big Bang
The Atlanta Journal-Constitution
Scientists in Geneva are set to begin operating the Large Hadron Collider, or LHC.
The unit is designed to smash sub-atomic particles into each other at extremely high speeds—sort of a super micro version of I-285 and Roswell Road in the mornings. They hope to use the LHC to crash protons into each other and create events that are similar to those that supposedly occurred when the universe formed, just after the second Rolling Stones concert tour.
The LHC is a contraption that is rather large. It’s big enough to test the Big Bang Theory and then keep Vermont warm most of February.
Testing the Big Bang Theory is not like doing those foaming volcano experiments in grade school. (Those were cool though.) Testing the Big Bang Theory is essentially finding the origin of matter, mass, pine tar, and WD-40.
To find this origin, one has to find the Higgs boson particle, also known as the God particle. Scientists successfully fired protons clockwise through a 17-mile long tunnel and then sent the darn things back through— counterclockwise. Although the affects are said to be nonexistent, one scientist, present during the tests, later tried to heat a ham sandwich in the microwave. According to reports, when he turned it on, he forgot who he was for thirty seconds and wet his pants.
Scientists said they could send the beams in opposite directions simultaneously within months. Once physicists stabilize the proton beams and calibrate detectors, they hope to fire protons through tunnels near the speed of light and force them to collide. Duh! Tell us something we don’t know.
Imagine if you were a physicist coming home from work:
Physicist’s wife: “Hi Dear.” (She’s a stay-at-home mom because physicists make good money.) “How was your day?”
Physicist: “Well the proton beams are close to being stabilized but they’re wavering some. Not sure why though.”
Physicist’s wife: “Those detectors calibrated?”
Physicist: “You bet honey. Dead on. Less than .0001 micro units per zigatrons.”
Physicist’s wife: “That’s what I’m talking about!”
Physicist: “Tell you something else too. We’re firing protons near the speed of light.”
Physicist’s wife: “Through the tunnels?”
Physicist: “Boo-Yah!”
Physicist’s wife: “I love it when you talk dirty!”
Some researchers have raised concerns saying that the experiment may trigger natural calamities eventually leading to the end of the world. What?
Why is that being told AFTER the (%#&$^)ing Large Hadron Collider was built and ready to go? Re-creating the BBT could possibly create a black hole and the earth would be sucked into it and off we go— but were? What is on the other side?
Two words: Bizarro World.
We don’t want to go there.
The accelerator chain for the Hadron Collider, while simple, it points out two things. One, between Pb and p is Bizarro World and if things really go bad, you end up on a planet called Alice.
You know what? It doesn’t matter because in all the rush to watch the Republican and Democrat conventions, we overlooked the fact that this Hadron Collider is going to create the hole that sends us to Bizarro World and we did nothing to stop it. Hit the bunkers folks. In the mean time, I’m calling Bruce Willis.
