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AJC.com > Metro > View from the cop > Archives > 2008 > August > 19
Tuesday, August 19, 2008
Finding Jimmy Buffett: The search for peace, tranquility and a happy wife
The Atlanta Journal-Constitution
My God! I may as well be looking for Elvis.
I am stumped at what appears to be the onset of an actual quest for God’s sake. I have spent thousands of dollars on Parrothead attire that includes footwear, any number of earrings, bracelets, necklaces, signature items, souvenirs, headwear, glassware, and it looks like I’m fix’ in to buy a ($#@*&)-ing two-hundred dollar blender because it says: Margaritaville on it!
Here’s the really weird part: I don’t really mind anymore. My man-cave bar is total tropics and I actually like it. I did all this for my wife because she is a die-hard Parrothead. Okay—okay I get it! There are thousands of Parrotheads and I’m cool with that. I think it’s great but now my friends, in my humble opinion, its getting unhealthy.
You see, after you buy the “It’s Five O’Clock Tavern sign, the neon clock, the custom lamp, mirror, bar stool and (%$&$^)-ing lawn chair, well I’m getting to the point of being TAPPED OUT!
(Okay, relax.) Now really, I just want my wife to be happy for many reasons among them because it’s my second marriage and most men agree that one of the pitfalls you want to avoid is arguing over little things. To do that you adopt the “okay” response to just about every (#@^$#)-ing thing and move on. You hope for minimal damage. Sometimes it works. Sometimes it doesn’t.
Like many of you, I’ve been to a lot of Jimmy Buffett shows. We do Buffett here and sometimes in Texas where our extended families join in the fun, Margaritas, cigars, and hangovers. Buffett in Atlanta is just as good on the lawn at Lakewood as it is in the seats. We sat close and we sat far. Far is far better because there’s more room to do that three-cocktail-white-guy dance thing and sometimes the drunks stumble and roll down the hill. Fun for all.
Tailgating is an art form. What to bring: Money. Twenty bucks for the parking spot, Six-dollar beers and fourteen-dollar daiquiris will put you in the mood to party. You feel obligated. Thirty-five dollar concert t-shirts (ten bucks in the parking lot) and straw stuff, a couple of coconuts should do it. Realistically, that should last for a year until the next meeting of the Parrotheads.
It has not.
My wife is losing touch with reality. She sat me down one night and looked at me and said we had to talk about something important. “MY GOD!” I thought to myself. She found my collection of Fantasy Island Posters or perhaps she was leaving me to pursue a life on the road traveling with the Renaissance Festival. (I don’t know, it could be.)
She said that she wants the inevitable photo-op with Jimmy Buffett. She said it and then walked off like it was the end of a press conference. Oh God! She’s serious. Oh No.
And so it began.
July 5, 2008
Dear Jimmy Buffett My name is Steve Rose. I’m sure you get a lot of mail and stuff give that you have about seven-thousand Margaritaville Stores, most of which we’ve visited and by the way, thirty-five bucks for a pair of (@%$&)ing rubber slippers??!! Are you (#@&%$^)ing kidding me??!!—Sorry, anyway, well my wife and I are big fans. My wife is a bigger fan for sure which is why this letter is written. My lovely wife and I bought lots of merchandise and spent many a good dollar for concert tickets and such. I know this because my ($&%@#)ing MasterCard bill is through the (#^$%)ing roof!!! Again, sorry. My reason for writing is to ask you if it were possible, could we make arrangements to have a photo taken with you and my wife. I realize that you probably entertain many requests as such but I have to plead my case as different. You see I’m going crazy and there isn’t much room left in my brain for craziness since I’m already in the neighborhood if you know what I mean!
I may sound a little bitter but regardless of the fact that even though I’m over the FIVE-(%@*^$)ING-THOUSAND-DOLLAR MARK in Margaritaville merchandise and such it seems that it is all for naught because now she thinks that I’m capable of arranging a photo op with you.
I hope that you will consider this as feasible and perhaps return a call to me. I’ve enclosed my home phone, cell phone, fax, e-mail, website, toll-free 800 number and three carrier pigeons on standby. We are willing to travel and subject to a background check. I hope that you will find this request different than the rest given my emotional status.
Regards, Steve Rose
August 10, 2008
Dear Mr. Rose,
I am the secretary to the assistant of the day shift merchandise store for the Margaritaville in New Orleans. I have been asked to write and thank you for your letter. By the fact that I am answering your letter should indicate to you that your somewhat emotional appear to Mr. Buffett was taken as rather scary prompting him to increase his bodyguard security and write the governor in an attempt to perhaps incarcerate you. He did however, think your wife was a good Parrotthead and as such, he is sending her a “Five O’Clock Somewhere” rubber bracelet. Twenty-five dollars has been charged to your MasterCard account since we already have the number.
Sincerely, Rhonda Bucksworth Margaritaville Merchandise Store / Second Shift
Uh oh, it’s not going to be easy.
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