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AJC.com > Metro > View from the cop > Archives > 2008 > August > 19 > Entry
Finding Jimmy Buffett: The search for peace, tranquility and a happy wife
The Atlanta Journal-Constitution
My God! I may as well be looking for Elvis.
I am stumped at what appears to be the onset of an actual quest for God’s sake. I have spent thousands of dollars on Parrothead attire that includes footwear, any number of earrings, bracelets, necklaces, signature items, souvenirs, headwear, glassware, and it looks like I’m fix’ in to buy a ($#@*&)-ing two-hundred dollar blender because it says: Margaritaville on it!
Here’s the really weird part: I don’t really mind anymore. My man-cave bar is total tropics and I actually like it. I did all this for my wife because she is a die-hard Parrothead. Okay—okay I get it! There are thousands of Parrotheads and I’m cool with that. I think it’s great but now my friends, in my humble opinion, its getting unhealthy.
You see, after you buy the “It’s Five O’Clock Tavern sign, the neon clock, the custom lamp, mirror, bar stool and (%$&$^)-ing lawn chair, well I’m getting to the point of being TAPPED OUT!
(Okay, relax.) Now really, I just want my wife to be happy for many reasons among them because it’s my second marriage and most men agree that one of the pitfalls you want to avoid is arguing over little things. To do that you adopt the “okay” response to just about every (#@^$#)-ing thing and move on. You hope for minimal damage. Sometimes it works. Sometimes it doesn’t.
Like many of you, I’ve been to a lot of Jimmy Buffett shows. We do Buffett here and sometimes in Texas where our extended families join in the fun, Margaritas, cigars, and hangovers. Buffett in Atlanta is just as good on the lawn at Lakewood as it is in the seats. We sat close and we sat far. Far is far better because there’s more room to do that three-cocktail-white-guy dance thing and sometimes the drunks stumble and roll down the hill. Fun for all.
Tailgating is an art form. What to bring: Money. Twenty bucks for the parking spot, Six-dollar beers and fourteen-dollar daiquiris will put you in the mood to party. You feel obligated. Thirty-five dollar concert t-shirts (ten bucks in the parking lot) and straw stuff, a couple of coconuts should do it. Realistically, that should last for a year until the next meeting of the Parrotheads.
It has not.
My wife is losing touch with reality. She sat me down one night and looked at me and said we had to talk about something important. “MY GOD!” I thought to myself. She found my collection of Fantasy Island Posters or perhaps she was leaving me to pursue a life on the road traveling with the Renaissance Festival. (I don’t know, it could be.)
She said that she wants the inevitable photo-op with Jimmy Buffett. She said it and then walked off like it was the end of a press conference. Oh God! She’s serious. Oh No.
And so it began.
July 5, 2008
Dear Jimmy Buffett My name is Steve Rose. I’m sure you get a lot of mail and stuff give that you have about seven-thousand Margaritaville Stores, most of which we’ve visited and by the way, thirty-five bucks for a pair of (@%$&)ing rubber slippers??!! Are you (#@&%$^)ing kidding me??!!—Sorry, anyway, well my wife and I are big fans. My wife is a bigger fan for sure which is why this letter is written. My lovely wife and I bought lots of merchandise and spent many a good dollar for concert tickets and such. I know this because my ($&%@#)ing MasterCard bill is through the (#^$%)ing roof!!! Again, sorry. My reason for writing is to ask you if it were possible, could we make arrangements to have a photo taken with you and my wife. I realize that you probably entertain many requests as such but I have to plead my case as different. You see I’m going crazy and there isn’t much room left in my brain for craziness since I’m already in the neighborhood if you know what I mean!
I may sound a little bitter but regardless of the fact that even though I’m over the FIVE-(%@*^$)ING-THOUSAND-DOLLAR MARK in Margaritaville merchandise and such it seems that it is all for naught because now she thinks that I’m capable of arranging a photo op with you.
I hope that you will consider this as feasible and perhaps return a call to me. I’ve enclosed my home phone, cell phone, fax, e-mail, website, toll-free 800 number and three carrier pigeons on standby. We are willing to travel and subject to a background check. I hope that you will find this request different than the rest given my emotional status.
Regards, Steve Rose
August 10, 2008
Dear Mr. Rose,
I am the secretary to the assistant of the day shift merchandise store for the Margaritaville in New Orleans. I have been asked to write and thank you for your letter. By the fact that I am answering your letter should indicate to you that your somewhat emotional appear to Mr. Buffett was taken as rather scary prompting him to increase his bodyguard security and write the governor in an attempt to perhaps incarcerate you. He did however, think your wife was a good Parrotthead and as such, he is sending her a “Five O’Clock Somewhere” rubber bracelet. Twenty-five dollars has been charged to your MasterCard account since we already have the number.
Sincerely, Rhonda Bucksworth Margaritaville Merchandise Store / Second Shift
Uh oh, it’s not going to be easy.
Services »
Comments
By Jim H.
August 19, 2008 2:55 PM | Link to this
Yeah, Buffett has built a pretty fine empire for a guy they won’t play on the radio (except for two or three of his old hits, and a couple of recent songs on country radio)….…Its kind of his big F*U to the corporate music world! Speaking as someone who has been to about 20 or so Buffet concerts over the years and has spent many, many, many (I mean a lot) of enjoyable hours listening to ALL of his music – I couldn’t be happier for the man. Capitalism at its best.
You got to know where to draw the line though. A five dollar “Jimmy Buffett Drive” sign for your driveway is cool. Paying thirty five bucks for Margaritaville flip-flops is a little over the line.
By Jim H.
August 19, 2008 3:09 PM | Link to this
Yeah, Buffett has built a pretty fine empire for a guy they won’t play on the radio (except for two or three of his old hits, and a couple of recent songs on country radio)….…Its kind of his big F*U to the corporate music world! Speaking as someone who has been to about 20 or so Buffet concerts over the years and has spent many, many, many (I mean a lot) of enjoyable hours listening to ALL of his music – I couldn’t be happier for the man. Capitalism at its best.
You got to know where to draw the line though. A five dollar “Jimmy Buffett Drive” sign for your driveway is cool. Paying thirty five bucks for Margaritaville flip-flops is a little over the line.
By BiteMe
August 19, 2008 7:35 PM | Link to this
Steve, STEVE! One cannot put a price on the lushy happiness of one’s wife! Don’t fight it, big guy…just smile and enjoy that ride!
In the meantime, I’ll just have a drink from my new Margaritaville Jimmy Buffett Tin Cup Chalice in your honor…..I charged it to your card, hope you don’t mind! :)
By Madison
August 20, 2008 12:31 AM | Link to this
Why don’t you try flashing your shiny little badge at Buffet? I bet he would be so impressed he would put on a private show for you.
By Dixie
August 20, 2008 5:12 AM | Link to this
Now I know why my fan mail got returned!
By Stevie G
August 20, 2008 6:51 AM | Link to this
That was %&#&^ing priceless! (Sorry) Absoloutly *#&$#@^ing priceless (Sorry again!!! Great article!
By lakerat
August 20, 2008 8:10 AM | Link to this
That, sir, may be your finest literary effort to date - abso$#@*&inglutely priceless!
By Adrift
August 20, 2008 8:21 AM | Link to this
I used to be a giant Parrothead, but just kind of drifted away from that island for no particular reason. Maybe it’s the season.
By Mace
August 20, 2008 1:20 PM | Link to this
I am at work and have no idea who Jimmy Buffet is but I really enjoyed your story and feel for your dilemma. I totally understand about adopting the “okay response” (I’m on my third marriage, another story). Oh and regarding me not having any knowledge of Jimmy Buffet, I will be looking him up on the internet tonight to keep him and his products away from my wife and my house.
Good Luck, Mace
By AdriftToo
August 20, 2008 2:56 PM | Link to this
I am a recovering Parrothead. I found it quite easy to kick the habit a few years back when I found out that my hard earned dollars spent in the Buffett empire were being used to support rallies, etc. for the Hildabeast. I could not at that point separate the music, the man from the politics.
By Frank Bama
August 20, 2008 3:47 PM | Link to this
I too have drifted away from Margaritaville in the past few years after seeing him at the old Great Southeast Music Hall, Agora Ballroom, allegedaly solo during Jimmy Carter’s re-election concert and in the orchestra pit at the Fox. But when the cost for the 2 of us to see a show even going through Ticketmaster approached a mortgage payment….I had to sadly draw the line.
By OLD Parrot head
August 20, 2008 4:27 PM | Link to this
Frank Bama,
We must have been at some of those places at the same time. The Old (before they moved) Great Southeast Music Hall was GREAT. I still have my beer bucket somewhere. Buffett was a master showman 30 years ago.
By Jim W Harrison
August 21, 2008 9:00 AM | Link to this
During a past visit to Key West, Florida I encountered bad weather and my boat could not leave the harbor at Key West. I was tired of waiting so I took the conch train to a local watering hole and was joined by a bunch of friendly and very loud fishermen in a similar bad weather mood. The laughter was silenced by a roar on the loud speaker, “Call for Mr. Buffet, Call for Mr. Buffet.” A familiar voice in the back shouted back, “Warren, or Jimmy?”
By Jim W Harrison
August 21, 2008 9:02 AM | Link to this
During a past visit to Key West, Florida I encountered bad weather and my boat could not leave the harbor at Key West. I was tired of waiting so I took the conch train to a local watering hole and was joined by a bunch of friendly and very loud fishermen in a similar bad weather mood. The laughter was silenced by a roar on the loud speaker, “Call for Mr. Buffet, Call for Mr. Buffet.” A familiar voice in the back shouted back, “Warren, or Jimmy?”
By Jim W Harrison
August 21, 2008 9:05 AM | Link to this
During a past visit to Key West, Florida I encountered bad weather and my boat could not leave the harbor at Key West. I was tired of waiting so I took the conch train to a local watering hole and was joined by a bunch of friendly and very loud fishermen in a similar bad weather mood. The laughter was silenced by a roar on the loud speaker, “Call for Mr. Buffet, Call for Mr. Buffet.” A familiar voice in the back shouted back, “Warren, or Jimmy?”
By Cassie
August 21, 2008 5:41 PM | Link to this
Ah, you know…the man who sings “I made enough money to buy Miami but I p** it away so fast” certainly has come FAR FAR FAR from his roots, hasn’t he?
But I must say…I’ve never had the urge to have my photo taken with anyone. Has your wife lost her mind?
By Cassie
August 21, 2008 5:41 PM | Link to this
Ah, you know…the man who sings “I made enough money to buy Miami but I p** it away so fast” certainly has come FAR FAR FAR from his roots, hasn’t he?
But I must say…I’ve never had the urge to have my photo taken with anyone. Has your wife lost her mind? Will she be covered in parrothead gear?
By Dixie
August 21, 2008 8:13 PM | Link to this
I just wish they made coconut tops in 38DDD!
By Daver
August 21, 2008 9:06 PM | Link to this
See I told ya Lt. I think you knew it anyway, but when I told you they had a Margaritaville in Panama City, you had that deer in the headlights look.
I had the same response with my credit card bill.
Yes, dear. Yes, dear….uh-huh…okay.
By Daver
August 21, 2008 9:06 PM | Link to this
See I told ya Lt. I think you knew it anyway, cause when I told you they had a Margaritaville in Panama City, you had that deer in the headlights look.
I had the same response with my credit card bill.
Yes, dear. Yes, dear….uh-huh…okay.
By Fred
August 21, 2008 10:13 PM | Link to this
Steve you idiot, opportunity just stared you in the face. Reach out bro, grab it. YOU are the cop, YOU know the laws. Don’t you have a constitutional right to face your accuser? LET Sonny arrest you, when your day in court comes up buffet will be there. your wife can then bum rush him for a hug and I promise you MANY pictures will be taken. She’ll have her wish and YOU will be the hero who made it happen. “Little Stevie” might even get a lip lock if you know what I mean………..
Man up dude and get with the program, your future happiness depends on it. Hell, I’ll even throw your bail if your wife won’t.
By Gradygram
August 22, 2008 9:57 AM | Link to this
Sure wish they would publicize these parrot head events a couple of months ahead of time…….loved all the photos of folks my age having a great time at the last one……Gives me hope that there are more than just hip hop rap ranting, gang banging thugs in this town……..where do you all hang out in the evening, anyway?
By Gradygram
August 22, 2008 9:57 AM | Link to this
Sure wish they would publicize these parrot head events a couple of months ahead of time…….loved all the photos of folks my age having a great time at the last one……Gives me hope that there are more than just hip hop, rap ranting, gang banging thugs in this town……..where do you all hang out in the evening, anyway?
By Political Foreskin
August 22, 2008 12:14 PM | Link to this
I thought Neil Diamond diehard fans were called parrotheads, no wait, their symbol is a frog, that’s right. Dang it, I always get those two species mixed up. Either way, they’re both ridiculous. My wife is Neil Diamond nutso. I’ve been dragged along to seven or eight Atlanta concerts over the years. I hate Caroline Kennedy. Never liked her.
Cracklin’ Rose is a wine.
Sounds like Officer Rose is going through Love on the Rocks, (aint no big surprise)
Pour him a drink and he’ll tell you some lies, yesterday’s gone, and all he wants is a smile…..
By Lee
August 22, 2008 2:00 PM | Link to this
Having a Parrothead for a wife is far, far better than say, a KISS fan.
The coconut bras and grass skirts are appealing and you can always try to get her in the mood by repeating the track “Why don’t we get drunk and screw” over and over again.
My sympathies on the Mastercard bill though…
By Fred
August 22, 2008 4:41 PM | Link to this
Nicely written foreskin.
By Tancred
September 10, 2008 8:37 AM | Link to this
No wonder the Braves traded Mark Kotsay; he’s wanted for bank robbery!! It’s right there at the bottom of page C5.