View from the cop: Crime & punishment
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AJC.com > Metro > View from the cop > Archives > 2008 > July > 01
Tuesday, July 1, 2008
Buckle up for a wild ride
The Atlanta Journal-Constitution
What in the heck is going on America?
Gas prices are so bad we’re talking about the good old days when we were paying only three bucks a gallon. Fuel expenses are affecting everything else and now everything is expensive to do or buy or even rent. The mortgage crisis, thanks to the selfish idiots who ALL, in many of our opinions, need to be sitting in a cell, have driven folks out of their homes.
Investments and retirement funds are hurting. You may not be losing money but you’re damn sure not making any. We’ve been through stuff like this before but this time it just seems that this time it’s all hitting us at once. I can’t find my happy place anymore.
I know it’s bad because, and some of you may know this, animals will sometimes sense impeding really bad events. For instance, just before the great Chicago fire, a cow owned by Patrick and Catherine O’Leary kicked over a lantern and said “Oh *@%&^!! I hope the wind doesn’t pick up.”
Well something is going on. My Rottweiler Roxy, born of Satan and who quietly stalks innocent victims for the purposes of our satanic weekend rituals according to idiots who are living close by, has begun acting strangely. I found a crack pipe in the Alpo. The Shih Tsu is using up my co-pays for an analyst and I think the turtles are hitting my Crown Royal after we go to bed.
People are starting to move more towards the edge and yes, crime is reflecting the bad economic times. Shoplifting, normally reserved for teenagers and pill-head housewives, is now seeing Mr. and Mrs. Middle-Class America stuffing pockets and pants with—well not the essentials that you would think a cash-strapped family would go after, like food or baby formula.
No—they’re stealing, instead of buying CD’s, DVD’s, and other small electronic items of entertainment. Not exactly essential of life but due to the hardships, they’re willing to risk jail and a criminal history in the name of entertainment.
Many of these honest-people-doing-dishonest-things do not have the necessary fundamentals of a good shoplifter.
For instance, most new male shoplifters still prefer to stuff any and all items, including chain saws and 19-inch televisions, down their pants like “Hey, it’ll just look like I’m a stud!” No, it looks like you’re fixing to join the Mug-Shot Club. Remember: Stop-Drop-And Take That Stuff Out of Your Pants and Put It Back Where It Belongs. Words of at least semi-wisdom.
We continue to look for alternative fuel sources. It looks like maybe if anything good comes from the bad prices on fuel; it’s the now accelerated efforts to find alternative fuels for our sixty zillion cars, all on the road at the same time on GA 400.
A possible solution to a potential future energy shortage would be to use some of the world’s remaining fossil fuel reserves as an investment in renewable energy infrastructure such as wind power, solar power, tidal power, gerbil power, geothermal power, hydropower, thermal depolymerization, methanol, ethanol and biodiesel, or in an oil lamp; try olive oil, WD-40, canola oil, safflower oil, Vinyl Repair, algae oil or sunflower oil which do not suffer from finite energy reserves, but do have a finite energy flow—but heck, you knew that.
Why limit ourselves here? My uncle Alberto from Cuba, Georgia, right next to the Kroger on Highway 20, claims to have developed a usable fuel using old Slim Whitman records. He gets 45 miles to the gallon but the car yodels when he gets to 50 MPH—a small price to pay.
Well, regardless of how bad things get, don’t forget to find you happy place—and I don’t mean in the bottom of a whisky glass—unless you’re with consenting adults at home listening to a Slim Whitman album. Watch the dogs and when they get funky, something’s fixing to happen. Some signs your dog knows something bad is going to happen: • They’re dressing like Leon Redbone • They’re stuck to the ceiling and smoking Marlboros • They’re gone—note said: Gone to Vegas-You’re on your own • They’re voting Marijuana Reform Party in November
Well sooner or later we’ll get past all this madness and again concentrate on the priorities in life like reforming the designated-hitter rule and whether Lindsay Lohan has a girlfriend. Continue to find your happy place and just start going there more often. Keep an eye on the dogs. They’ll let you know when the coast is clear.
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