View from the cop: Crime & punishment
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AJC.com > Metro > View from the cop > Archives > 2008 > June > 13
Friday, June 13, 2008
A cop’s take on Campbell’s cry for help
The Atlanta Journal-Constitution
Guess what? Former Atlanta Mayor Bill Campbell’s semi-prison environment has made him realize that he’s a champagne alcoholic.
That’s right. He tried to get into the substance-abuse program back in October but the drug abuse coordinator in Miami, where Campbell is struggling through the hardships of the prep-school style semi-prison life, denied his entry into the program based on the lack of documentation that he had a substance problem. Here’s how the conversation went:
Bill: “Uh, hi. I was sitting over by the pool and I realized that I’m a drunk and / or other substance abuser.”
Substance Person: “Really?”
Bill: “Yeah—uh, substance abuser.”
Substance Person: “What substance?”
Bill: “The kind that if I go into this program, I can get out in June instead of October.”
Substance Person: “Do you have any documentation?”
Bill: “Sure do. I have a letter right here.”
Letter: To Whom It May Concern: Bill has a substance problem. Please put him in the program that gets him out of the semi-prison in June. Thank you, Bill’s cousin, Pete.
Substance Person: “Mr. Campbell, this letter is written on semi-prison stationary.”
Bill: “Well I’ll be—I didn’t know Cousin Pete was here!!”
Substance Person: “Look Mr. Campbell, stop trying to lie your way into this program. You need to get back out there and put in your two hours a day work and your four-o’clock tennis lesson. Suck it up mister! This ain’t no country club—well, not yet, we still haven’t gotten the golf course finished—but you need to do your time and quit trying to con your way out!
Bill: “No fair! My ordeal was too painful and embarrassing to recollect! I can’t tell you how many bottles of champagne or whatever I consumed!”
Substance Person: “Apparently too painful for anyone else to remember as well. Look Mr. Campbell, there has to be documentation that you abused the same substance—champagne in your case, that you want treatment for now. Your documentation says you occasionally made toasts.I mean, how many toasts did you do, let’s say, in a week.”
Bill: “Uh, I don’t know, maybe 849.”
Substance Person: “Nobody can confirm that you ever had a substance problem. They testified in court on it!”
Bill: “My God!! Do you know what this means?”
Substance Person: “No, what?”
Bill: “Those people are on drugs—and / or alcohol! They can’t remember a thing! They need rehab!!”
Substance Person: “Okay Mr. Campbell, I think that you need to go now. You’re late for your spa treatment.”
Bill: “That’s no fair!! This whole justice system is no fair! I should sue you! This whole semi-prison is a sham! I’m boycotting the putting contest tomorrow! No—I’m going further with this protest. I’m voting Libertarian!
Substance Person: “Look Mr. Campbell, this turkey ain’t flying if you know what I mean?”
Bill: Listen to me! I was in self-denial until I was sort of incarcerated in semi-prison where I no longer had access to the alcohol or that stuff you toast with to self-medicate my stress from the trial and the media pressure and the personal tragedies—and all that stuff.”
Substance Person: “Well, by chance was there any stress from accepting tens of thousands of dollars in illegal campaign contributions, cash, travel, and home improvements in exchange for city contracts?”
Bill: “Uh, well, would there by chance be a rehab program for that? You know, something getting me gone by say, June?”
