View from the cop: Crime & punishment
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AJC.com > Metro > View from the cop > Archives > 2008 > May > 29 > Entry
Never a dull moment for police PIO
The Atlanta Journal-Constitution
Greetings from Texas folks.
I’m in Arlington tending to some PIO conferencing. The hotel is located next to the Texas Rangers Ballpark. Unfortunately, the Rangers are out of town so my plan to run onto the field in the 5th inning armed only with my police thong and a “Down with the Designated Hitter” sign was foiled.
In the biz, the PIO stands for Public Information Officer. My uncle Renaldo, who for many years was a dance instructor in Dunwoody, admitted last summer at the annual family reunion / annual probation office check-in that he thought PIO was, along with Sir Gawain and Sir Ferris, was one of the knights of the Holy Grail who are mentioned but never appear in Wagner’s final opera, Parsifal.
The PIO is charged with the responsibility for providing information to the public via the television, radio and print media, using words such as “perpetrator” and terms such as “formerly existing human” rather than “dead guy.” The PIO is also responsible for writing press releases to announce something or to create an opportunity to use the word “perpetrator.” Examples of press-release topics include such crimes as shootings and tearing tags off mattresses.
At times, a press release will be responded to by a request for an interview from a television station. TV stations are obviously driven by the events of the day. Now, thanks to satellite coverage, we can now see live coverage of two Giant Chinese Salamanders mating—just in case there’s a lull in people shooting each other.
Still, Giants Chinese Salamanders can hold our ever-channel-surfing attention so long.
Like the Swallows of Cappuccino, television will return to that most familiar to them—crime.
A good quality for a PIO is the ability to monitor the news of the day. That’s why we justify an office with a television. The hardest part is convincing the major that watching General Hospital is part of intelligence gathering. Thank God “Sonny” is part of the mafia because we’re always worried about organized crime.
The PIO should always be ready for an interview. At a moment’s notice, crime could happen. A good PIO should have a “ready kit” available. This kit should include a fresh uniform, foul weather gear and other essentials including hair spray. It’s hard to take a PIO serious when he or she, on a windy day, looks like Dee Snider back in the Heavy Metal days.
Depending on what the news day is shaping up to be dictates what is news worthy on that day. Here is an example of how the top three leading stories can vary depending on how busy the news day is:
Busy News Day Top Three Story Headlines: 1. Hideous Murder of Mafia Chief Leads Cops to Think Gang War Possible 2. Political Sex Scandal-Mayor Apologizes and Asks for “Do Over.” 3. Huge Drug Bust-Clandestine Flomax Lab Discovered in Golf-Club Community.
Moderate News Day Top Three Story Headlines:
- Barbara Walters Admits Affair with Ulysses S. Grant
- Massage Parlor Bust-Mayor Claims Therapeutic Visit-Asks for “Do Over.”
- Flower Vases Actually Crack Pipes—Store Owner: “Wow, I’m Surprised—Really!”
Slow News Day Top Three Story Headlines: 1. Mayor Accused of Jaywalking to Massage Parlor—Exclaims “Give Me a (%$*&#) Break!!” 2. Resident Stomps Out Flaming Paper Bag on Front Porch—Later Claims Local Delinquent Loaded Bag with Dog Poop. 3. Cops Complain: “Precinct Five Has Clogged Toilet.”
And you thought it was just as simple as pronouncing “perpetrator” correctly.
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Comments
By Political Foreskin
May 30, 2008 7:52 AM | Link to this
Why is it that women who constantly talk about their “bodyclock” never have an hourglass figure? Hey, it’s Greenwich Mean Time, not Sandwich Mean Time. Then there’s the biological clock, and that’s like a “marry me” alarm clock. Women really believe the “fresh eggs” theory of conception, that the older you are, the more likely it is that your eggs have expired. That’s why babies all come with a born on date. That doesn’t even make sense. Now I’m frightened. Waaaaa.
By wow
May 30, 2008 8:12 AM | Link to this
Let’s talk about Cassie Reese, the PIO (or spokesperson) for Cobb Co. Whew, what a H-O-T-T-I-E!!!!!
By Robert
May 30, 2008 8:34 AM | Link to this
Steve, We love your stories about dumb criminals. In fairness, you’re going to have to comment about the man who eluded a standoff with the Lawrenceville SWAT team by going out the back window. As the criminals get more sophisticated, the police will have to catch up to their sneaky tactics.
By Smoke
May 30, 2008 10:14 AM | Link to this
Steve, I really need to take you to show and tell for my class!!!!
By Smoke
May 30, 2008 10:16 AM | Link to this
Steve, I really need to take you to show and tell for my class!!!!
By Cassie
May 30, 2008 10:41 AM | Link to this
Robert -
Now what does that say about Lawrenceville’s Best and Brightest, exactly?
(note to self: always check back window when fleeing po po’s)
By Donald Rumsfeld
May 30, 2008 11:02 AM | Link to this
Cassie,
If this miscreant is going to apply the asymmetrical strategery of going out the back window, the SWAT team’s old school Maginot Line defense must be adapted to the modern theater. I’m available for consulting work, by the way.
By MJ
May 30, 2008 1:13 PM | Link to this
“Police thong” huh? Cool.
By Bill
May 30, 2008 10:01 PM | Link to this
Steve, I used to really enjoy your articles. Your more recent ones - this one in particular - are so painful that I could not even read them completely. Please start over.
By ElBubba
May 31, 2008 3:08 AM | Link to this
I think people are more rude than they used to be…
By Otis Leroys
May 31, 2008 9:05 AM | Link to this
Steve……….it appears that you have landed a job that requires not to much thinking and/or smarts. Beats what you doing when you worked for FCPD. You probably have a take home car with all of the gas.(verbally & liquid types)
By Stand up sit in.
May 31, 2008 12:11 PM | Link to this
CNN just reported that thong wearing robbers, who disguised their faces with women’s thong underwear, form a new rank of criminal called “waistbanditos”.
AKA “Frito BVDitos”?
By USA Online Pharmacy US
July 19, 2008 8:26 PM | Link to this
http://OnlinePharmacyUSA.US Paxil USA Online Pharmacy US overnight shipping
By Fawn Nichols
February 16, 2009 1:40 AM | Link to this
Cassie Reese is a horrible excuse for any kind of investigator. She is even worse as an advocate for beaten women. She does NOT do her job, but will let a man flirt with her into believing what he tells her. She is probably even responsible for many false arrests because she does not want to do any real form of detective work. I know she is responsible for at least one.
By Fawn Nichols
February 16, 2009 1:40 AM | Link to this
Cassie Reese is a horrible excuse for any kind of investigator. She is even worse as an advocate for beaten women. She does NOT do her job, but will let a man flirt with her into believing what he tells her. She is probably even responsible for many false arrests because she does not want to do any real form of detective work. I know she is responsible for at least one.