View from the cop: Crime & punishment
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AJC.com > Metro > View from the cop > Archives > 2008 > May > 29
Thursday, May 29, 2008
Never a dull moment for police PIO
The Atlanta Journal-Constitution
Greetings from Texas folks.
I’m in Arlington tending to some PIO conferencing. The hotel is located next to the Texas Rangers Ballpark. Unfortunately, the Rangers are out of town so my plan to run onto the field in the 5th inning armed only with my police thong and a “Down with the Designated Hitter” sign was foiled.
In the biz, the PIO stands for Public Information Officer. My uncle Renaldo, who for many years was a dance instructor in Dunwoody, admitted last summer at the annual family reunion / annual probation office check-in that he thought PIO was, along with Sir Gawain and Sir Ferris, was one of the knights of the Holy Grail who are mentioned but never appear in Wagner’s final opera, Parsifal.
The PIO is charged with the responsibility for providing information to the public via the television, radio and print media, using words such as “perpetrator” and terms such as “formerly existing human” rather than “dead guy.” The PIO is also responsible for writing press releases to announce something or to create an opportunity to use the word “perpetrator.” Examples of press-release topics include such crimes as shootings and tearing tags off mattresses.
At times, a press release will be responded to by a request for an interview from a television station. TV stations are obviously driven by the events of the day. Now, thanks to satellite coverage, we can now see live coverage of two Giant Chinese Salamanders mating—just in case there’s a lull in people shooting each other.
Still, Giants Chinese Salamanders can hold our ever-channel-surfing attention so long.
Like the Swallows of Cappuccino, television will return to that most familiar to them—crime.
A good quality for a PIO is the ability to monitor the news of the day. That’s why we justify an office with a television. The hardest part is convincing the major that watching General Hospital is part of intelligence gathering. Thank God “Sonny” is part of the mafia because we’re always worried about organized crime.
The PIO should always be ready for an interview. At a moment’s notice, crime could happen. A good PIO should have a “ready kit” available. This kit should include a fresh uniform, foul weather gear and other essentials including hair spray. It’s hard to take a PIO serious when he or she, on a windy day, looks like Dee Snider back in the Heavy Metal days.
Depending on what the news day is shaping up to be dictates what is news worthy on that day. Here is an example of how the top three leading stories can vary depending on how busy the news day is:
Busy News Day Top Three Story Headlines: 1. Hideous Murder of Mafia Chief Leads Cops to Think Gang War Possible 2. Political Sex Scandal-Mayor Apologizes and Asks for “Do Over.” 3. Huge Drug Bust-Clandestine Flomax Lab Discovered in Golf-Club Community.
Moderate News Day Top Three Story Headlines:
- Barbara Walters Admits Affair with Ulysses S. Grant
- Massage Parlor Bust-Mayor Claims Therapeutic Visit-Asks for “Do Over.”
- Flower Vases Actually Crack Pipes—Store Owner: “Wow, I’m Surprised—Really!”
Slow News Day Top Three Story Headlines: 1. Mayor Accused of Jaywalking to Massage Parlor—Exclaims “Give Me a (%$*&#) Break!!” 2. Resident Stomps Out Flaming Paper Bag on Front Porch—Later Claims Local Delinquent Loaded Bag with Dog Poop. 3. Cops Complain: “Precinct Five Has Clogged Toilet.”
And you thought it was just as simple as pronouncing “perpetrator” correctly.
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