View from the cop: Crime & punishment
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AJC.com > Metro > View from the cop > Archives > 2008 > March
March 2008
Toilet story is one about getting help
The Atlanta Journal-Constitution
We live in strange times don’t we?
Remember this headline from a couple of weeks back?
Woman sat on boyfriend’s toilet for 2 years; didn’t want to leave bathroom.
Did they decide if the boyfriend had something to do with it or she was just very, very, focused? Her skin on her rear grew to the toilet seat?
How could this happen? “It’s analogous to a couple of things,” says Dr. Daniel Aires, director of the division of dermatology at the University of Kansas Hospital in an article on msnbc.com’s website. “One of them would be a splinter. When someone gets a splinter in the skin, the skin grows around it.
It only takes about ten minutes for your legs to go to sleep. That’s why your bathroom reading material should be, at the most, only mildly interesting. You’ll never see a copy of War and Peace in the john. You want to read a little and then hit the road.
Uncle Dewey, before he got into lawn mower repair full time, was holding down a second job as a security guard at a huge warehouse. Because he worked the midnight shift, he often brought reading material to kill time. One night, when nature called, he went into a bathroom in the most remote area of the huge warehouse. Knowing he was going to be there a while, he began reading his book on the art of ironing out shoe wrinkles on shoes before they’re shipped from the factory. (He saw this as an occupational opportunity.)
According to his later statements, he found the content of the book somewhat less than “can’t put it down” interesting and soon slipped into a mild and then deep state of sleep, just sitting there all proper and such on the toilet.
At some point, one of the other security guards got on the radio. The crackling voice coming out of Uncle Dewey’s shoulder microphone startled him out of a very deep sleep—so much so that he forgot where he was so he immediately got up to run wherever it was he thought he was going. His brain was still trying to figure out where he was, who he was and everything in between. He took one step and hit the floor like a ton of bricks—something that happens when you try to run with a gun belt and your pants around your ankles and both your feet are asleep.
Naturally he was confused and understandably yelled out “Help me— I’m paralyzed!—and who the hell pulled my pants down??!!”
Well, I guess the long way around to coming to a point is something I excel in but the point is this folks: God put us on this end of the food chain so that we would recognize when we need to make those little adjustments in life like getting off of the toilet when your butt starts to grow to the seat!
How are we going to defend Earth from the aliens if we keep letting our shortcomings get out? I don’t think we need to broadcast this kind of story to anyone. If a toilet seat is grown to your butt, you need to keep that a family secret and spare us the details.
We’re trying to feel good about ourselves here! Five-thousand bucks on therapy and all it takes is one butt-grown-to-toilet-seat story and BAM it sets you back five years! Let us learn from the Ness City, Kansas tragedy. Recognize the warning signals. When those legs start to tingle, get up and get on with your life!
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The infidelity hits just keep on coming
The Atlanta Journal-Constitution
In what appears to be a growing trend, Detroit Mayor Kwame Kilpatrick has been charged Monday with perjury and other counts after sexually explicit text messages contradicted his sworn denials of an affair with a top aide.
This comes on the (high) heels of Gov. Eliot’s Spitzer’s resignation from office after admitting he frequented the Ocean’s Club VIP Escort Service and the lovely and semi-talented singing sensation Ashley Alexandra Dupre, or Ashley Youmans, or “Mommy” or “Madam Tinkerbell” as some customers refer to her.
Spitzer’s position was filled by former Lt. Gov. David Paterson, who admitted having several affairs in the past. His wife quickly admitted having an affair of her own, a move that some strategists say offsets at least one or the affairs that he had. Paterson invoked the “You First” defense, noting that his affair was revenge for his wife’s earlier affair. They now claim to be happily married with nanny cams planted everywhere. Other affair-ridden community leaders include Former New Jersey Gov. Jim McGreevey and Tony Soprano.
Remember Gary Hart? His 1988 bid for president fell short when photos of he and Donna Rice appeared just after he denied it. No one bought it. His support plummeted. Those left supporting him included Hugh Hefner and the crew of the Monkey Business. Hart is just one of many but politics, power, and sex seem to be continuous. The trickle-down effect is interesting. In a recent poll, 45 percent of newly elected homeowner association presidents said “things are looking up” while winking at the same time.
Scandalous behavior appears to be spreading everywhere. At first I thought it was just in political circles. But there’s something in the water or perhaps the air because something is going on. Divorce court is filling up with infidelity cases and if that weren’t enough proof, even my dog has, for no reason, started humping the other leg.
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Crime & punishment
The Atlanta Journal-Constitution
Some incidents reported to Sandy Springs police this week:
Assault A man reported that “while minding his own business and enjoying an alcoholic beverage” a man walked up, grabbed him and struck him in the nose with is knee.
Robbery
The victim said that someone entered their home and took about $10,000 in appliances and other items. The house is on the market and the realtor said the house was shown to a man who efused to give his name to the realtor (BIG CLUE?). There was no forced entry. One way to at least have a chance to ID someone in this scenario is if they don’t want to give their name, get the tag number.
Thefts
A member of the LA Fitness reported that while he was working out, someone went into his locked locker and stole his pants containing his wallet. In his wallet was $900 cash, a $15,000 check, his credit cards and debit cards. You know what I’m going to say here right? Nine-Hundred bucks? Fifteen-Thousand dollar check?
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Traffic rules to live by
The Atlanta Journal-Constitution
I was out of the office for a couple of days last week. Upon return, one of my favorite things is to listen to the endless voice mails on my phone—despite my message that I’m not in and please call back. In this business, “I’m not in so please call back” is a clue that I’d like you to call back, but I think in America, we’re obligated to leave a voice mail. One was: “I wanted to leave a message that I’ll call back.”
I average about 20 voice mails and a hundred e-mails a day meaning that I can’t get to them all in a day. I try to filter them. By phone, I tend to analyze the voice for signs of urgency. For instance, I’m more likely to return “BEEP— AUGHHHHHHHHHH” before I return “BEEP—“Uh, hello, uh, hello? Uh, oh yeah, uh, I was told to call this number if I needed to talk to someone about my problem. My 12-year old won’t eat her vegetables and was rude to me. Can you guys come out and talk to her?” (Actual call by the way.)
There are two voice mails that also show up frequently on my e-mails. One is the complaint that the cops are writing too many tickets. “It seems that all you guys do is write tickets! Don’t you guys have anything to do? Why do you write all those tickets? Also, some guy cut me off while I was driving up 400. Can’t you guys do something about these reckless drivers?”
Like clockwork, the one behind it reads: “We live in an area where traffic cuts through. The drivers speed through here all the time. It looks like they’re speeding, well I know at least 147 miles per hour. Can’t you guys do anything about that?”
Every police department gets a lot of folks complaining about too much of something and then not enough of the same.
Traffic complaints are looked at in terms of where the complaint is taking place and the circumstances. For instance, school zones, especially where school buses load and unload, are ranked a bit more of a priority that the guy on the cell phone reporting that the car next to him flipped him the finger. The second example will of course upgrade in priority when it results in gunfire.
Last week we responded to a number of complaints around one of our high schools. The traffic complaints involved the running of stop signs and speeding in school zones during the morning and afternoon hours. The area is heavily residential with a population who all have e-mail and know our e-mail address. Historically, this area has a lot of traffic problems.
On Monday we proceeded to address the complaints. We sent our motor units and other traffic officers to seek justice and righteously correct the evils of those who violate the law—especially in the school zone.
By Monday afternoon, the tally came to over 80 citations (yes, 80 for stop-sign violations, speeding, expired tags, passing the school bus loading and unloading, no driver’s license, no insurance, a little problem with the Marijuana, and a number of other offenses. Two souls went to jail (insurance problem and the Marijuana guy) and many will reach into their pockets on court day.
Responding to complaints is done without regard to race, creed, color, religious affiliation, sexual orientation, NASCAR loyalty, or your views on the designated hitter rule in the American League (which, by the way, is evil) or any other factor—including, by the way, where you live. There is no rule that says if you live in the residential area where the complaint originated, you are exempt from the enforcement of the violations your community complained about. That being said, there were a significant number of residents of this area ticketed.
On a good month, we work 600 accidents. On a bad one, almost double that number. Many involve serious injury and some involve fatalities. Many are a result of plain old sloppy and inconsiderate driving. Many could probably be traced to someone who was running late or someone just not wanting to take the time to stop or to slow down. Folks are so bogged down in traffic most of the time, when they get a fast lane they take it and don’t want to slow back down. The degree to which they take it puts them on the edge or over the line on dangerous driving. It’s almost like a conditioned response, like Pavlov’s dogs or my uncle Dewey when we take him to Hooter’s.
The fact is that (gasp) cops have been known to push the speed limit from time to time so yes we have to pull the troops in occasionally and have the old Come-to-Jesus meeting on speeding issues. Most cops respond well to these meetings after we present the foot-beat alternative.
We’re all together in this big clown car of life so save yourself some grief, money, and points on your license and watch those speed limits and stop signs, and remember, those school bus drivers will send us tag numbers if you pass when they loading and unloading. Just stop. Here’s a hint: When the red things are flashing on that big yellow thing, stop. So you’re ten minutes late.
Relax out there.
Living in La-La Land: Mary Ann & Eliot
The Atlanta Journal-Constitution
Mary Ann’s busted and apparently “Little” Eliot Spitzer has been calling the shots in New York.
As it happens every so often, it appears that we’re in a worldly state known as “The Moon is in Klutz.” That phrase was taken from a cartoon in a book I read and I’m reminded of it every time we humans go to La-La-Land.
First of all, Mary Ann, the one and only Mary Ann from Gilligan’s Island was busted for having some pot. She was sentenced to “unsupervised probation” which, by the way, is a sweet deal if you can get it. Essentially, you check in with yourself—just whenever the hell you want to! (Hey, sorry I didn’t check in with myself all last week—uh, I forgot.)
Okay, look. There were a couple of things that stood out just a little more than the pot she was found with.
First of all, she told the cops she gave a ride to three hitchhikers (AKA maybe mass murderers) and dropped them off after they started smoking “something.” Do you believe that?
Let’s say you’re a mass murderer. You and your two mass-murderer buddies are hitchhiking—not for the ride but more like trolling for the next victim. A car pulls up and whoa—it’s Mary Ann! What do you do? Do you kill her or get into some serious trivia about Gilligan’s Island? It’s a tough call. Her story though, has holes in it. Namely this: Hitchhikers don’t leave their pot lying around. If they go, it goes! Secondly, she was in Driggs, Idaho. The name alone is enough to make you want to lick a toad.
What about Driggs?
Driggs, Idaho is the County seat for Teton County, Idaho. Nestled at an elevation of 6,200 feet between the majestic Tetons and the beautiful Big Hole Mountains, Driggs has a diverse population of approximately 1,300 people in an incorporated area of nearly 350 acres. Driggs has numerous housing opportunities along with a large range of business enterprises, and three hitchhikers. Although very majestic, there is nothing to do but stare at the Tetons and get high. Not really. It’s actually very pretty and there’s no I-285 or GA-400 in the afternoon. Oh well, good luck little buddy.
Speaking of morons, New York’s Governor, Eliot Spitzer, is apologizing for frequenting high-level hookers up in Washington. He got caught up on a wire tap the feds were doing. The part I can never understand is the wife standing there beside him, in this case admitting to being “customer number nine” for the Emperor’s Club V.I.P.
He apologized and then said he needed to repair his relationship with his family and decide what’s best for the state. First of all, who were the other eight guys ahead of a governor? Secondly, what is his wife thinking other than which lawyer to use? He has three daughters and a wife at home, all having been drug through the mud. Where does this guy start the “repair” part? If I were him, I’d seriously think of spending the next few nights somewhere else as not to end up ala Phil Hartman.
What was this clown thinking? Another of our gender bites the dust thanks to his raging libido. Big Eliot let Little Eliot drive the car if you will. If he wrangled taxpayer money around to pay for this activity, he could be looking at criminal charges. If I’m Eliot’s lawyer, I get this moved out of New York and all the high profile. How can you get a fair trial?
I say move it to Driggs. Even if guilty, all you’ll have to do is check in with yourself once in a while.
Just say ‘no’ to toad
The Atlanta Journal-Constitution
Some folks in Arizona contacted me recently, wanting to use a column that I wrote a while back for a crime prevention magazine. I pulled up their website and looked at the December 2007 issue of Arizona Crime Prevention Association News. Right there in front of my eyes read the following headline: “Toad Smoking”—A New Way to Get High.
With something sounding so utterly stupid and moronic, I was amazed I hadn’t heard of it before.
It seems these toads are called psychoactive toads, named for the psychoactive substances from bufotoxins that can be derived from the toad— not just any toad but the Sonoran Desert toad, also known as the Colorado River toad.
When angered or scared, they secret bufotoxins and as such, provide the toad licker with a psychedelic trip, au natural.
The newest form, smoking the toxins, occurs when the toad smoker collects the bufotoxin, dries it out and then smokes it. The article says the hallucinogenic effect lasts for about twenty minutes, about as long as a one-hour version of “Lost.”
The article addressed the legal ramifications of toad smoking (or toad licking for that matter) by pointing out that one man was arrested and charged with Possession of Drug Paraphernalia—the toad. Apparently, in California, it’s a misdemeanor to possess the Colorado River, AKA Sonoran toad. What an idiot! What was wrong with this guy? He had to walk around with the toad in his pocket? I mean, couldn’t he leave the toad at home? Did he have to “bump up” on some toad now and then while he was out?
Being from the South, we don’t rub elbows with many toad smokers so I decided to poll the general area of northwest Forsyth, east Cherokee and south Pickens counties to see if people knew what toad smoking or toad licking was. Some figured it had something to do with getting high although many wondered aloud: “How do they keep the toad lit—bein’ it’s probably a jumpin’ around and such.” Which was the first cheesy thought you had after the words “toad smoker” wasn’t it? We all think alike at times.
Others were sure it was a code name for a sex act and a couple of guys over at the “515 Club” were convinced it was a Ted Nugent song.
Toad smoking and licking stories go back to the 1970’s when it was said that the last of the hippies were licking toads to get high. Some said the Cane Toads were sought in Australia by the Aborigines and Australian hippies. Much of what is written about toad licking is still in question as far as it’s valid sources but scientist do know much about the process.
The toad has venom glands and to obtain the venom, one must stroke the toad. This is known as “Strokin’ the Toad” and involves rubbing the toad under its chin. The venom is collected and dried and then smoked. Many amateurs, who do not know how to collect the venom, end up with warts. As to how, we won’t elaborate. This procedure does not harm the toad and it takes about a month for the toad to re-stock the ol’ bufos. Many toad report they actually like the procedure.
What does all this toad-smoking nonsense have to do with us? Simple. Most fads start on the west coast and work their way east. Some make it and some don’t. (Remember Pogs?)
By the time most fads get here, they morph to take on characteristics of the local flavor. That, and false rumors may lead to such nonsense such as snipe smoking. It’s hard enough to catch them at night with that paper bag.
Remember kids, say No to Toads!
Not the kind of loss you want at the gym
The Atlanta Journal-Constitution
Two separate incidents of theft at a gym were reported this week to Sandy Springs police.
A woman reported that someone went into her locker at the LA Fitness Gym and took her car keys. The locker was unlocked at the time.
Another victim at LA Fitness said her keys were also stolen. The thief took the keys, found her car, took it, stole several items from it, and then returned it to another parking spot nearby. She is missing an $800 Movado Watch, Coach purse, Burberry sunglasses worth $200, and a make up bag and make up valued at $350. What she didn’t have was a $5 lock.
When you go the gym, please lock your locker.
Also, please remember that your new e-toys, namely GPS and laptops, are still very, very, popular. Please take these things out of the car. You can’t do any better than that. And please call 911 when you see any suspicious activity including people loitering around parked cars in parking decks or condo / apartment lots late at night.
Crime spike? Blame it on iPods
The Atlanta Journal-Constitution
iPods are causing a spike in the crime rate. Finally, something and someone to blame!
Some guys at a public policy institute said the iPod caused a rise in violent crime in 2005 and 2006. Here’s part of the reason: Prior to 2005 the robbery rate, nationally, declined. Many people go along with this theory but some people, who are from Washington D.C. and live in “think-tanks”, believe the story has holes in it. They got together and formed a panel to discuss it.
I was assuming they were going to discuss if the iPod was behind the rise in crime as stated above. The tankers, as they like to call themselves, instead decided to talk about ways to disable the devices in case they were stolen. In other words they didn’t discuss the intended topic at all. Perhaps it was an acceptance that it is what it is and their efforts would best be channeled towards prevention, or it could have been the fact that Steven Jobs was just stage-right in a Ninja outfit and designer jeans pointing to the panel members and making the “cut-throat” gesture with his finger. Either way, iPods seem to be the center of controversy.
Aside from the tank guys, common sense would seem to support the theory that iPods were inviting as favorite target for thieves. Secondly, those wearing iPods are now considered favorable targets of crime, sometimes violent crime. Why?
I will explain.
Up near Ball Ground, we gather every so often to discuss probabilities such as the theory that iPods are responsible for the rise in crime as well as other hot topics including why Aaron Neville doesn’t do something about that big mole on his head. I’m sure he can see it.
We don’t have think tanks up here so Uncle Dewey and I borrowed a couple of dunk tanks from the volunteer fire department, filled them full of lukewarm water, got some Crown Royal and a couple of Cubanos and went to thinking. We failed to realize the total comfort of our surroundings and nearly drowned when we fell asleep.
In order to salvage at least some of our original task, we moved our proceedings to nearby Nelson, GA to the home of J.W. Whitlock, who was recently divorced. Sadly, it appeared he was letting himself go after his wife Eugena left him. This was evident by the fact that Boris, his 600 pound pig, was roaming throughout the trailer as we attempted to think.
Despite the distractions, we quickly concluded that iPod owners were likely to be singled out as targets for crime, be it theft or robbery, by the mere fact they were so preoccupied with listening to these devices they had no concept of who or what was around them. The supporting statistics were alarming. 32 percent of people who listened to iPods were more likely to be injured or killed by doing things like drowning after walking into the ocean of falling off the Grand Canyon.
History will show that this pattern of new and improved gadgets or toys or whatever, has always drawn the interest of thieves.
While much has been written about the discoveries of the Java Man, Peking Man, Boy George, and the Neanderthal who once lived in Europe, very little has been written about their “cast-offs” of their society. Early cave drawings clearly show drawings depicting the kidnapping of women, or alleged women since back then everyone looked like really small versions of Andre the Giant.
“There has been a lot of anecdotal evidence of iPods, cell phones, GPS systems that have been targets of theft. No research can tell us those wouldn’t have been substituted for other things,” said Jack McDevitt, associate dean at Northeastern University’s College of Criminal Justice just before he found out someone had stolen his houndstooth jacket from his VW.
That’s not exactly a profound statement. I found it to be pretty middle-of-the-road. Sure, what if we didn’t have iPods or GPS? Something would have taken its place, like Webvan or edible deodorant—if only they didn’t flop.
Whatever conclusions these think-tank guys come up with, don’t forget that if something is hard to steal then most thieves will move on down the road to an easier target. Don’t worry about all the reasons, just stash the cash and you’ll be okay.
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