View from the cop: Crime & punishment
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AJC.com > Metro > View from the cop > Archives > 2008 > March > 28
Friday, March 28, 2008
Toilet story is one about getting help
The Atlanta Journal-Constitution
We live in strange times don’t we?
Remember this headline from a couple of weeks back?
Woman sat on boyfriend’s toilet for 2 years; didn’t want to leave bathroom.
Did they decide if the boyfriend had something to do with it or she was just very, very, focused? Her skin on her rear grew to the toilet seat?
How could this happen? “It’s analogous to a couple of things,” says Dr. Daniel Aires, director of the division of dermatology at the University of Kansas Hospital in an article on msnbc.com’s website. “One of them would be a splinter. When someone gets a splinter in the skin, the skin grows around it.
It only takes about ten minutes for your legs to go to sleep. That’s why your bathroom reading material should be, at the most, only mildly interesting. You’ll never see a copy of War and Peace in the john. You want to read a little and then hit the road.
Uncle Dewey, before he got into lawn mower repair full time, was holding down a second job as a security guard at a huge warehouse. Because he worked the midnight shift, he often brought reading material to kill time. One night, when nature called, he went into a bathroom in the most remote area of the huge warehouse. Knowing he was going to be there a while, he began reading his book on the art of ironing out shoe wrinkles on shoes before they’re shipped from the factory. (He saw this as an occupational opportunity.)
According to his later statements, he found the content of the book somewhat less than “can’t put it down” interesting and soon slipped into a mild and then deep state of sleep, just sitting there all proper and such on the toilet.
At some point, one of the other security guards got on the radio. The crackling voice coming out of Uncle Dewey’s shoulder microphone startled him out of a very deep sleep—so much so that he forgot where he was so he immediately got up to run wherever it was he thought he was going. His brain was still trying to figure out where he was, who he was and everything in between. He took one step and hit the floor like a ton of bricks—something that happens when you try to run with a gun belt and your pants around your ankles and both your feet are asleep.
Naturally he was confused and understandably yelled out “Help me— I’m paralyzed!—and who the hell pulled my pants down??!!”
Well, I guess the long way around to coming to a point is something I excel in but the point is this folks: God put us on this end of the food chain so that we would recognize when we need to make those little adjustments in life like getting off of the toilet when your butt starts to grow to the seat!
How are we going to defend Earth from the aliens if we keep letting our shortcomings get out? I don’t think we need to broadcast this kind of story to anyone. If a toilet seat is grown to your butt, you need to keep that a family secret and spare us the details.
We’re trying to feel good about ourselves here! Five-thousand bucks on therapy and all it takes is one butt-grown-to-toilet-seat story and BAM it sets you back five years! Let us learn from the Ness City, Kansas tragedy. Recognize the warning signals. When those legs start to tingle, get up and get on with your life!
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