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Surviving Valentine’s: A message to men
The Atlanta Journal-Constitution
Men of the world, hear me now. Log it in your Outlook, your Blackberry, sticky notes, and perhaps even carve into your left wrist. In just a few short days, we will come upon February 14th, otherwise known as the “V” word. If ever there was a reason for men to unite, this is the mother of all reasons because it is here, on this day, that we collectively shoot ourselves in the foot, year after year. The horror stories are out there.
I’m a survivor. I made a mistake and my story could affect you, so listen up. Yellow roses are called “Friendship” roses. You would think someone in the business of selling flowers would pick up on that when I distinctly said: “I’d like to get a dozen roses for my anniversary—oh hey! Those yellow ones look pretty.”
Okay, I think the word “Wife” would probably be the hint that I was flower-challenged in this area. As a professional flower person, wouldn’t you think he would pick up on that and say to me: “Sir, you’re strolling down a thorny road if you give your wife yellow roses instead of, maybe—red roses? Instead, he said not one word and off I went to present her with beautiful yellow friendship roses on our anniversary—at work.
I trusted this man—put my fate in his hands and what happened: For the next three months, my wife continuously praised my “friendship” to her, all the while making sure that our relationship didn’t exceed “friendly” boundaries if you catch my drift.
On this Valentine’s Day, learn some fundamentals.
Your financial status has no bearing on whether or not you buy flowers for your wife or girlfriend. If you have to make the choice between food and flowers, I suggest you buy the flowers. If you don’t eat, the worst that can happen is you’ll die. If you shun your little lady, your fate will be much worse.
Another no-no: waiting until the last minute to buy your Valentine’s Day card. Would you like to see something truly pitiful? Go to the nearest drugstore, around 6 p.m. on Valentine’s Day, and look at the men standing in front of a sparse collection of cheesy Valentine’s Day cards. Look at their faces. They are the doomed. Most will not survive. Learn from them.
Here is what’s left to pick from:
“Have a Beary Nice Valentine’s Day. (Picture of bear.)
“You Sweeten My Day.” (Picture of ant.)
“I’m Bananas over You!” (Picture of chimp.)
“”Looking back over the year that we’ve been together, I can’t help but wonder: What the hell was I thinking?” (Picture of Carmen Electra and Dennis Rodman.)
Read this and then get your keys, get in your car, and go to the store and spend some time and money on a good card and order those flowers early and for God’s sake, don’t get the yellow roses.
Comments
By catlady
February 5, 2008 8:08 PM | Link to this
Amen, Brother Steve! Tell it loud and often!
By atl20g
February 5, 2008 9:28 PM | Link to this
Det. Sandy still tells us of your faux pax, and you still have the nerve to bring it up again. You sure live dangerous.
By Cassie
February 5, 2008 11:01 PM | Link to this
I have tears running down my face, literally laughing so hard….
I have a good Christmas one: first year married to x husband, he gives me…no joke….
A Box of Sox.
Dr. freaking Suess indeed
By What the...?
February 6, 2008 3:01 AM | Link to this
Please tell me you’re kidding. What kind of woman holds a grudge over having someone buy her the “wrong” roses? Who ever even heard of such ridiculous, arcane rules for flower colors?
If I had a husband I’d love to have him send me ANY flowers at work for ANY occasion.
That kind of melodramatic behavior is what gives men the idea that women are unreasonable and juvenile and, makes them feel like Valentine’s Day is some sort of extortionate trick. It’s just supposed to be fun.
Of course, if you’re kidding I’ll feel pretty silly.
By Old School
February 6, 2008 7:39 AM | Link to this
Our first Valentine’s Day as a married couple: I prepared his very favorite meal and served it on the fine china, crystal, and silver. He gave me a pair of scissors.
Best pair of scissors I’ve ever had and I STILL have them and love them…and him…after 37 years!
By So true...
February 6, 2008 7:41 AM | Link to this
Steve: Hysterical stuff, as usual (and unfortunately, very accurate!). If a man screws up Valentine’s Day, it’s usually the beginning of the end for the relationship.
By Becky
February 6, 2008 8:34 AM | Link to this
Love your story..But I agree with another poster, get over the yellow flowers..When my husband sends me flowers, he knows that I would rather have carnations (or mixed) than roses..If he does send me roses, he sends me pink..To me, it’s not the type of flower as much as the thought..
By pink roses, too
February 6, 2008 10:50 AM | Link to this
Sometimes, you guys have to get it wrong in order to get it right. Valentine’s is no big deal, but don’t mess up the anniversary. While dating, the then-boyfriend once introduced me as his friend. Friend? Later on, when he had that love-look, I just nudged his shoulder, “‘Night, buddy.” He never made that mistake again. Evolution? Married 21 years.
By DB
February 6, 2008 11:47 AM | Link to this
OK, I will confess: I am a very happily married woman, for 26 years, and I HATE Valentine’s Day. It’s so cheesy, fake and forced. I do NOT need a “special day” for us to express our love to each other. We do that every single day. The mortgage is paid, the grass is cut, he is a wonderful father, and I know that I am loved every single day when he grabs my a** while I’m fixing dinner! :-). I have a deal with my husband — he better not DARE pay Valentine’s Day prices for flowers, when he can get me 3 dozen the next day for 1/3 the price! :-) We try not to go out to dinner on Valentine’s Day — because he takes me out quite a bit as it is, and we don’t want to waste time standing in line on a day where it has been decreed that “you must go out to dinner to prove your love.”
At home, I fix a great steak with mushrooms cooked in white wine and butter with his favorite new potatoes, an artichoke with hollandaise sauce and homemade strawberry shortcake. A couple of glasses of wine later, and who needs a restaurant? ;-)
PS on the color of the flowers: That’s utterly ridiculous. My mother has always preferred the yellow Peace roses (the ones edged in deep pink). My favorites are pink and white, but again — I’m not insulted by any other color!
I really feel sorry for some of you guys, having to puzzle your way through some arcane dance of death. No wonder so many of you live in terror of V-Day!
By Susan
February 6, 2008 12:19 PM | Link to this
Steve—This was good..but what about DIAMONDS????
By Amy
February 6, 2008 12:20 PM | Link to this
I’m with DB - let’s not get out of hand here. We’re such old fogeys we HATE to stand in line for anything. Home is where the heart is.
Steve, you can send me yellow roses.
By tman
February 6, 2008 12:45 PM | Link to this
DB, I think I love you.
By Cindy
February 6, 2008 1:18 PM | Link to this
what gets me is the a*******hat movies that come out on v-day that the poor guys are dragged to see. oh honey, for valentines day all I want is a trillion roses delivered to my job so everyone will see you love me, a tennis bracelet…platinum and diamonds, of course, and we’ll eat at one of those places with the food in the middle of the plate and things that look like they came straight from the jungle and they’re trying to make a miniature campfire with…and we’ll go see that movie “Definitely Maybe”.
Geez…just shoot me now.
My version…come home each night like normal people, be a good husband, good dad, give me enough sex, bring your check to combine with mine, and don’t nag me too much above the acceptable level. other than that…here come lay up on the couch with me and let’s watch a little tv.
By Laura
February 6, 2008 2:01 PM | Link to this
several different kinds of cut flowers all together will last a lot longer. Some of us love daisies!
By Koala
February 6, 2008 4:59 PM | Link to this
DB: you are right on the money. I always tell my husband NOT to buy me flowers on Valentine’s Day because they always jack up the prices, and the flowers are crappy. We’re eating in — similar meal to D.B. Filet mignon, mushrooms, potatoes, etc. etc. I’m not lining up in a restaurant and waiting all night to get served! $80 a head at the River Room? Give me a break!
By El Bubba
February 6, 2008 5:20 PM | Link to this
The love of my life is Margaret Thatcher, I call her Maggie, she’s a pit-bull/pointer mix (Ugly). On Valentines Day we will be having a lovely meal of fillet mignon and will be joined by Saddam Hussein, my tabby cat (Mouser).
We’ll see if that post gets me on some fedral watch/don’t fly list. Testing, testing, 1,2,3…
By Zoi
February 6, 2008 5:27 PM | Link to this
Most people know, the color of red means love in flowers. Dating my love for 3 years now, and he always sends me beautiful flowers, bear and balloons for Valentines Day as I do the special treats for him too. However-if any man feels spoiling their woman on Valentine’s Day is senseless- then I hope she forgets to spoil you through-out the year! Quit whining-and reach into your guarded wallet and buy something special for her on Valentine Day-then think of all the love she gives you all year long!!!
Yes-I am a woman, and no my man isn’t whipped. He just knows to remember those special days-and just for you to know-we do this “present & surprise” gifting all year long!!
By Tami
February 6, 2008 6:47 PM | Link to this
While I thought Det. Steve was just as hilarious as ever, I’m with “By What The ….?” I too am unmarried. I would never scoff at receiving ANY flowers at ANY time!
By Tony
February 6, 2008 7:42 PM | Link to this
DB, do you have any sisters?
By sharon
February 6, 2008 10:57 PM | Link to this
Excuse me but you forgot to mention diamonds. Always a good idea for the man who doesn’t know what to buy.
By Noelle
February 7, 2008 2:04 AM | Link to this
@DB - I totally agree with you. I love my husband and he loves me. We decided years ago that we wouldn’t celebrate Valentine’s Day, Christmas or Birthdays. We do exchange cards but that’s it. The only day we celebrate is our Anniversary becasue it’s our time to get away. It works for us and neither of us are stressed about what to buy for those self imposed holidays. For my 40th birthday he got me 40 roses and I still have them (I let them dry out). I know he loves me everyday and I love him everyday so we don’t see the need to stress over one day.
By Emily
February 7, 2008 5:02 AM | Link to this
This is the best gosh darn advice a man can ever receive! My husband learned this early…. while dating in college I gave him the understanding that I planned on celebrating this all important day with the intent of giving him a gift. Not to be outdone, he walked from campus to the nearest shopping mall in waist high snow (he didn’t have a car) - 5 miles away -to get the presents (with money he a poor college kid didn’t have) and walk all the way back. We were in the midst of exchanging gifts when a fire alarm in the student union bldg. went off. He hasn’t let me forget that he went thru to get the gifts….I haven’t forgiven the idiot who pulled the fire alarm - there was no fire.
By Political Foreskin
February 7, 2008 5:59 AM | Link to this
I forgot to buy flowers 4me wife on Valentine’s Day once…………once.
By DB
February 7, 2008 11:17 AM | Link to this
@Tony — hehe, sorry, but no sisters!
By Cassie
February 7, 2008 11:22 AM | Link to this
I don’t know about the diamonds. Is anything more insulting than getting a “chip”?
By Brit
February 7, 2008 1:27 PM | Link to this
I don’t want obligatory flowers, candy, dinner, or a card on Valentine’s day.
Especially when they jack up the price. My husband hand writes me a love letter every year telling me in detail why I am special to him and why he loves me more each day and can’t live without me. His words (not some card company’s) are better than anything else.
Nine years and counting… Love you G!
By Nik
February 7, 2008 8:42 PM | Link to this
You should treat your special person like it’s V-DAY 365 days a year..Don’t wait until one day that has been designated as love day to show that special someone that you care about them!!!!! Great story by the way
By Jen Gordon
February 8, 2008 8:37 AM | Link to this
Dad, I will kindly direct your son-in-law to this post. Thanks!
By Bob
February 8, 2008 11:15 AM | Link to this
I girlfriend does not like flowers. Yellow or Red.
So know what she likes and what she doesn’t like. Don’t guess and don’t assume.
By Capt
February 8, 2008 4:46 PM | Link to this
My wife insist that I be practical in all things. Our first Valentines together I gave her a string trimmer. Being the practical person she is…she used it….on me.
By Abe
February 8, 2008 9:08 PM | Link to this
I get my wife a card IF she’s lucky. After 25 years of marriage, I set low expectations and annually fail to achieve them. That way she’s not disappointed with “yellow roses.” Give me a break dude, you’re “whipped.” You drivin’ a minivan she picked out too? Why not just give up being a man altogether?
By Michael
February 8, 2008 9:11 PM | Link to this
Al salam alaikum.
By John
February 8, 2008 10:18 PM | Link to this
One time, many, many years ago my wife said she didn’t want anything for our anniversary. I took her up on this offer. To this day she constantly reminds me, and all her friends of that faithful day.
By Annie
February 8, 2008 11:18 PM | Link to this
Hey Abe, He’s not whipped! In case you haven’t realised it his wife is also a police officer. Would you be stupid enough to tick off a woman who wears a gun, is a crack shot and not to mention, that you have to live with, and have children by? Guys, if you really want to impress a woman, go a book on the language of flowers or look it up on the internet, then tie a piece of jewelry to the card with them.
By Abe
February 9, 2008 12:50 AM | Link to this
Annie, his wife being a cop is irrelevant. More importantly though, I’ll bet she knows how to spell and proofread. Suggest you learn these skills before you post something like “….go a book on the language of love….” or “realised.” Nobody takes you seriously if you immediately prove you have the education of a third grader.
By Political Foreskin
February 9, 2008 12:12 PM | Link to this
I saw Steve Rose on Television, people! He’s quite the celebrity, he looks amazing on the screen. I think we may have a break out star here. He was being interviewed about the recent surge of car break-ins in Sandy Springs where random opportunists are smashing-and-grabbing GPS devices. We’ll all be able to say, I blogged on his site way back when…. (before the rocket scientist/thieves made him a star).
Valentine’s Day. Augustus Caesar, (caligula’s uncle) outlawed marriage because men were getting married in 45 AD instead of joining the army. Valentine was the only poor sod dumb enough to continue to marry the awol soldiers so he was fed to the lions or something. I think. You google it, then. See? this is why Steve gets on tv and I cant even get on at the punchline during open-mike night. It’s so not fair.
By MrHughes
February 9, 2008 1:30 PM | Link to this
First, I have to say that I’m a florist. There are plenty of couples who send yellow roses for all occasions. You are not limited to red or pink roses. I know of couples that send white roses or callas because it may have a special meaning to them. For example, skyline or circus roses may have been used in the bridal bouquet. It’s more of a personal thing. I don’t pretend to know everything about every customer that walks into my store. If you were unsure of what to send, then you should have asked. That’s a general rule that applies to all situations. Also, if you are married you should be friends. It’s not like you bought her black roses. I’m sure she appreciated the thought and is just giving you some good natured ribbing.
Second, Roses are marked up incredibly during Vday. Just like everything else (food, jewelry, cards, etc)!! On the other hand, if the price sounds too good to be true, then you are likely not getting true long stem roses. I’d suggest going the extra mile and sending a mixed arrangement for a similar price of that marked up 2 dozen rose arrangement with roses, lilies, and other premium stems in it or some tropicals. Or, book early and pay for your roses during the slow summer months when most shops will give you a fantastic price because they want the sales dollars. Tropicals are normally very expensive, so Vday is the perfect time to buy them because not too many folks are looking for tropicals. Tropicals also last longer (about twice as long as a Holland floral, and likely longer during Vals when rose demand is so high that quality is often compromised) and are unique. I send tropicals to my gf all the time. People love to look at them and try to touch them because they want to make sure that they are real.
By Political Foreskin
February 10, 2008 9:48 AM | Link to this
I have a green thumb and love to grow roses. You cant beat the fragrance of a homegrown rose. Florists have bred the fragrance out of commercial roses and since 99% of the pleasure of possessing a rose is olfactory, then why compromise?
Unfortunately, roses require at least 6-8 hours of direct sunlight a day or forget it. The abundance of trees on my property prevent me from enjoying the only thing that makes life worth living. So I go on, listlessly through life, knowing that I can never be happy. Oh, I have good days, but I can never rally for long, and usually spend my days staring out the window at those confounded trees. I’ll cut them all down some day, and free my property of the oppression of shade. (Of course, Paul Bunyan is my hero. I’ve studied everything he did and said. I’ve researched his notes and found out that he was designing a machine that could cut down a tree in 14 seconds. There were crude diagrams and thread-bare instructions, but I think I’m close to completion of his contraption.
Two weeks later: Today is the day that I try out Paul Bunyan’s tree cutting machine for the first time. I’m going to start with a smaller tree, only fifteen feet tall and six inches wide. If successful I plan on an all out assault on the entire population of oaks, birches, maples and pines that infest my property. I cant escape this nagging feeling that I’ve forgotten something, but I can wait no longer. Today is the day.
Three hours later: I’m typing this one hand. I dont know how long I’ll remain conscious so I’ll be brief…. the tree cutting machine has a flaw, whatever you do, dont press the red button before you put the….aauurrghhhh…….
By JM
February 11, 2008 12:34 PM | Link to this
When we started dating, my wife gave me some good advice. “Buy gold, it lasts longer.”
By JM
February 11, 2008 12:37 PM | Link to this
When we started dating, my wife gave me some good advice. “Buy gold, it lasts longer.”
By JM
February 11, 2008 12:41 PM | Link to this
When we started dating, my wife gave me some good advice. “Buy gold, it lasts longer.”
By JM
February 11, 2008 12:44 PM | Link to this
When we started dating, my wife gave me some good advice. “Buy gold, it lasts longer.”
By Joe
February 11, 2008 9:39 PM | Link to this
Hey Steve:
Shame you didn’t shop at Banana Florist. All our selections are built around specific occasions, making them fool-proof, even husband-proof.
You in particular will surely appreciate The Heist, our selection of a dozen roses, which we named in honor of Atlanta recently becoming the bank-robbery capital of America, and because roses steal hearts (wokawoka).
By BexB
February 12, 2008 10:37 AM | Link to this
I used red, white, and pink roses in my wedding, for love, honor, and cherish in our vows.
Nowadays, I like a simple bouquet, no baby’s breath, no filler, just roses. Preferably all one color, but I like sunset mixes, too. Bouquets are cheaper this way, as you can cash and carry and buy a cheap vase or reuse a special one.
And I really love gerberas cut very short and tucked into a fishbowl vase.
The main thing, know your woman. It all depends on taste. Getting the wrong flowers isn’t about the flowers, it’s about knowing the person you supposedly love.
By BexB
February 12, 2008 10:50 AM | Link to this
Oh, and for this year’s V-day, my husband and are exchanging cards and going to dinner, then to the theatre, where I’m in a play and he’s going to be in the audience. We gave ourselves a Wii as a gift. Diamonds are forever, but a Wii is a girl’s true best friend! :)
By TrishE
February 13, 2008 8:10 PM | Link to this
Ok just so you know I’m 34 and a female and married for 16 years. I want to know why the heck it’s a man’s job to do Valentine’s Day? Why can’t women be happy with the every day stuff? If your husband is there for you and your kids, He makes love to you and takes you out for dinner spends most of his time with you then who gives a crap… gifts on Valentine’s Day a day were he feels like he has to or he’s going to be punished doesn’t mean a thing but the day he does it for no reason those are the days you should be looking at. Valentines Day sucks for men it’s unfair because everything he did during the year gets over looked by one day were he is forced to do something. Men I feel for you!
By GR
February 15, 2008 3:34 PM | Link to this
The first representation of Saint Valentine appeared in a The Nuremberg Chronicle, a great illustrated book printed in 1493. [Additional evidence that Valentine was a real person: archaeologists have unearthed a Roman catacomb and an ancient church dedicated to Saint Valentine.] Alongside a woodcut portrait of him, text states that Valentinus was a Roman priest martyred during the reign of Claudius the Goth [Claudius II]. Since he was caught marrying Christian couples and aiding any Christians who were being persecuted under Emperor Claudius in Rome [when helping them was considered a crime], Valentinus was arrested and imprisoned. Claudius took a liking to this prisoner — until Valentinus made a strategic error: he tried to convert the Emperor — whereupon this priest was condemned to death. He was beaten with clubs and stoned; when that didn’t do it, he was beheaded outside the Flaminian Gate [circa 269].
V Day is nothing more than a mini Christmas for women..Men Wake Up. “The more you do the more they expect.”