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AJC.com > Metro > View from the cop > Archives > 2008 > January > 30 > Entry
A smashing preparedness plan
The Atlanta Journal-Constitution
As if the world wasn’t already going nuts with Brittney Spear’s on her “I’m Still Reasonably Nuts” tour and all, now we’re on the verge of being hit by the U.S. spy intelligence satellite that lost power.
One of the things that you don’t want to see in a single paragraph would be “spy,” “intelligence satellite,” “lost power,” and “we don’t know where it’s going to come down at.”
I read an online Reuters article. It was very interesting and, as a bonus, they provided a picture of Earth so that we would have a picture of what the satellite was going to hit. I do believe that it’s a pretty small satellite so I’m sure most of us will be okay but if you’re a betting human, you might want to check the Vegas odds.
Science Researcher Bob Feldman was quoted as saying: “Although the re-entry data does not allow us the luxury of prior knowledge of its exact path, we can predict with reasonable accuracy that it will hit a trailer park.”
Read it and weep my mobile friends. You and I both know that some poor trailer is in for a whupp’in’ courtesy of the intelligence community. Many meteorologists agree on two things: 8 out of 10 contributing factors causing tornados have something to do with mobile homes; although meteorologists have very little to do with meteors, it’s better than being called “Rain Men.”
Right now the odds are 487,204 to 1 the satellite will hit earth intact enough to create a “small and insignificant impact” on the American public—similar to Dennis Kucinich’s presidential campaign.
How do we prepare for the impact? First, we know it will be sometime in February or March, along the same scheduling timeframe as a service call from your cable company. Realistically however, it is never too early to prepare. Several metro areas are knee-deep in preparation for the event. Up near Ball Ground, plans are already in motion. The local Emergency Management Authority will meet daily at the new EMA headquarters located in the banquet room at Two-Brothers BBQ.
Starting in mid-February, active EMA patrols will commence daily on FEMA-donated Vespas. (We kind of got in late on the EMA vehicle grant.) Area residents are urged to report any unusual airborne activity that appears to be threatening or suspicious. As a result, Spanky Tarte’s Moonlight Zeppelin Rides, located in metro Nelson, Georgia will close after-dark rides until April. As an added precaution, Uncle Dewey will have the antique fire truck stationed in downtown Ball Ground, next to the Marble Hall of Fame, just in case. Although the truck’s water tanks are rusted and won’t hold water anymore, several local beer distributors have donated over 400 cases of Zima Beer that was apparently just collecting dust anyway.
What if all of this doesn’t work?
Plan B
Bruce Willis.
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Services »
Comments
By Cassie
January 30, 2008 5:30 PM | Link to this
Or Plan C-
RPG!
By Political Foreskin
January 31, 2008 6:22 AM | Link to this
Funny, funny stuff!
Look at the poor sod who gets killed by the satellite as taking one for the Big Dipper. His tombstone will read, “He had the Right Snuff”.
By Brewster Rocket
January 31, 2008 9:34 AM | Link to this
And what is the government planning to do about the parts that fall to earth? Sue the landowners at the impact site for interfering with a gov’t satellite by being in it’s flight path.
By El Bubba
January 31, 2008 10:42 AM | Link to this
If I find ant pieces I’ll sell them on ebay!
By Political Foreskin
January 31, 2008 11:10 AM | Link to this
or “His right stuff got snuffed.”
By Waylene
January 31, 2008 12:59 PM | Link to this
You are going to have to eat your words on the first Tuesday after the first Monday in November when Dennis Kucinich is sworn in as our next president.
By Tony
January 31, 2008 1:59 PM | Link to this
Uh Waylene, newly elected presidents are sworn in in the following January (around the 20th). And who is Dennis Kucinich?
By El Bubba
January 31, 2008 4:34 PM | Link to this
Foreskin is ‘Myspacing’!
By Political Foreskin
January 31, 2008 5:57 PM | Link to this
No, I was facebooking, moron. What a clod! What a dope! What a maroon!
By El Bubba
February 1, 2008 3:33 PM | Link to this
Foreskin,
Did you hear about the SS Cop that didn’t get laid?
http://www.ajc.com/search/content/metro/northfulton/stories/2008/01/29/sandycop_0129.html