View from the cop: Crime & punishment
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AJC.com > Metro > View from the cop > Archives > 2008 > January > 24 > Entry
Some advice for bank robbers
'Financial planning' has a new meaning when robbing a bank
The Atlanta Journal-Constitution
There should be a law on the books called “Failure to Think It Through.” Recently we had a bank robbery where, as a result of not thinking the plan through, the robber’s crime spree was short lived. Why? No plan.
Let’s say you are the robber - meaning you are the central figure of the crime. Why wouldn’t you have a solid plan?
Most bank robbers think the hard part is the actual robbing the bank. I disagree. The robbing of the bank is actually the easy part. Bank policies are designed to minimize risk to the employees and customers so as a result, getting the money is as simple as the demand or the traditional note of demand. There simply is no need to be dramatic. For instance why climb up on the bank counter and run up and down waving a shotgun all over the place when a simple demand for money, all the while standing nice and still on the floor, will do just fine? Besides, if you don’t properly stretch ahead of time, you could be looking at a hamstring issue.
The fact is that Hollywood has no place here. There’s no need to grandstand. No need for that whole Symbionese Liberation Army (S.L.A.) thing, you know, with the trench coats and the berets. (Especially the berets—they are soooo out.)
Also, we’re in the south. Try to show some manners.
Here’s another important point. Most of us don’t have good handwriting. We tend to scribble. A number of bank robbers could have gotten more money from the bank if the teller could have read the note! If you’re going to write a robbery note, think about your penmanship. It’s not like you have to write it there, at the scene. Write it when you’re relaxed and in your happy place. For example, let’s say you, the robber, intended to rob the bank using this message: “This is a robbery. Don’t set off the alarm and don’t put a dye pack in the bag. Give me all of your cash in the drawer and act normal.”
Because your handwriting was so bad, here’s what the teller thought she was reading: “This is Robert. Don’t be alarmed. I could die for that bag! Did you pay cash for those drawers at Normans?”
She’s just going to look at you like you’ve got three heads. You’re going to stand there longer and don’t forget, you’re on camera.
This next area is where most robbers lose focus.
Let’s say again that you are the robber and you’ve gotten this far. With good handwriting and a little posture, you should be sailing right along. Now it’s time for the money to be transferred to you. Don’t waste your time and the teller’s time insisting the teller NOT include dye pack. It doesn’t matter how much you don’t want it, you’re gonna get it. It’s a package deal—like when your parents made you take your little brother with you every time you went out to hang around the neighborhood with your buddies. The only difference is your little brother didn’t usually explode.
Whoever invented dye packs had a sense of humor. Nothing says funny like an explosion that has just enough power to blow your pants off and paint the rest of you at the same time! How great is that? Not only that but you stay that way for a while because that stuff isn’t coming off any time soon! The money is no good because it’s orange or blue and now you’re walking around looking like Ziggy Stardust—with blown up pants. In an urban location where the post-crime blending is so crucial, it’s going to be hard for you to blend in at the bus stop when you face is orange and your pants are half blown off. Unless the circus is in town, you’ll stand out. Now it doesn’t sound so appealing does it?
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Comments
By K2K
January 24, 2008 10:54 AM | Link to this
Job Security Sgt. Steve
By Blackshepherd
January 24, 2008 11:28 AM | Link to this
Ok this is by far the Dumbest ever topic. You all most have run out of things to write..good grief now I have heard it all..the Proper way to rob a bank..just remember robbers also read these blogs..dont make it any easier by writing the crap this article contains. Can we say dumbest article ever?
By Jean
January 24, 2008 11:41 AM | Link to this
Wow. Cool thinking. Could sure use some advice however on how to stop these idiots.
By Capt
January 24, 2008 11:48 AM | Link to this
Blackshepherd…you have got to be from up NORTH.(because they don’t do it that way up NORTH). You see, here in the South we have what is called, around here anyway, a sense of humor. That is when you hear or read something funny you can actually laugh…or at least giggle. Do you not see the irony in the above column? Lt Rose has been keeping us entertained for years. I am a Fire Officer and I think he usually hits the nail on the head. SOOOOOOOO my friend why don’t you just go on back up NORTH…because we don’t do it that way down here.
By reader
January 24, 2008 12:00 PM | Link to this
North? NORTH?! What are you talking about, Capt.? Obviously, this guy did not hear of yesterday’s bank robbery.
By mamaj
January 24, 2008 12:19 PM | Link to this
This is the funniest thing I have read in sometime. This is actually reverse psychology and reading something like this would actually make them think about how stupid their actions are. No, robbers don’t have time to read things that make sense, so I say let them keep being incompetent idiots and keep getting caught.
By SalannB
January 24, 2008 12:29 PM | Link to this
Hey, I’m from the North and I think most of what Steve Rose writes is funny stuff!
Great story, Steve!
By kia
January 24, 2008 12:34 PM | Link to this
What about using MARTA as your getaway car? I almost spewed my sweet tea when I heard that on the news!
By kia
January 24, 2008 12:39 PM | Link to this
What about using MARTA as your getaway car? I almost spewed my sweet tea when I heard that on the news!
By Blackshepherd
January 24, 2008 12:42 PM | Link to this
Your right I am from up NORTH and you know we Northeners are not short on words nor take kind to any kind of attack. I suggest for those of you did not like my post, you have the following options, skip it, found the nearest body of water, lake, pond, and drown your country bumkin backwards behinds, or go back to where you stuck your head in the sand and shove it deeper. How you like me now? I had heard most of you are clueless..you idiots removed all doubt. goodday.
By Blackshepherd
January 24, 2008 12:45 PM | Link to this
Dumb dumb dumbest. I will go North if and when I feel like it and not a moment sooner.
By Goddess
January 24, 2008 12:57 PM | Link to this
Hey, now, I’m from the North, and I thought the column was hilarious;)
By HelKat
January 24, 2008 1:08 PM | Link to this
Blackshepard, do us all a favor please? With your right or left hand, doesn’t matter which, could you reach around and pull that stick out of your a@$. Who knows, you may even find your sense of humour lodged up there also.
By Sweet Sugah
January 24, 2008 1:24 PM | Link to this
Blackshepherd wrote: Your right I am from up NORTH and you know we Northeners are not short on words nor take kind to any kind of attack. I suggest for those of you did not like my post, you have the following options, skip it, found the nearest body of water, lake, pond, and drown your country bumkin backwards behinds, or go back to where you stuck your head in the sand and shove it deeper. How you like me now? I had heard most of you are clueless..you idiots removed all doubt. goodday.
Well bless his heart. ;0)
By Lex Luthor
January 24, 2008 3:01 PM | Link to this
Orange explosions, ruined paints: Sounds like a case for Chief Inspector Kaopectate
By Lex Luthor
January 24, 2008 3:11 PM | Link to this
Blackshepard, HelKat is right: Your proctologist called. He found your head.
By Mike
January 24, 2008 4:20 PM | Link to this
By reducing it to an absurdity, the blogger has highlighted just how stupid someone must be to rob a bank. Given a choice between a bank and, say, a liquor store, think it over: one involves the potential for a short chase by Andy and Barney; the other, a lifetime of looking over your shoulder for the FBI. One might involve a stretch in the county jail; the other, some federal hard time with no parole. Back in the 1920s, when law enforcement cooperation was spotty and interstate extradition was iffy, motorized bandits like the Barrow gang made bank robbery an expansion industry. Today, it’s just stupid.
By George P
January 24, 2008 4:42 PM | Link to this
Blackshepard, as a great Southern humorist once said, “Delta is ready when you are”.
By ill~boogie
January 24, 2008 7:51 PM | Link to this
Everybody that thinks this is a funny issue is stupid. I use to work in a bank and was robbed at gun point and still think about it on a day to day bases, after 7mths it happen back in June 2007. Why not write about something that helps the world instead of paying attention to robbers? Yes, I’m from up North as well, and still have a sense of humor. If you really wanna go there Capt. Get a Life!
By ill~boogie
January 24, 2008 7:52 PM | Link to this
Everybody that thinks this is a funny issue is stupid. I use to work in a bank and was robbed at gun point and still think about it on a day to day bases, after 7mths it happen back in June 2007. Why not write about something that helps the world instead of paying attention to robbers? Yes, I’m from up North as well, and still have a sense of humor. Getting a gun in your face is not funny! If you really wanna go there Capt. Get a Life!
By Jules
January 24, 2008 8:27 PM | Link to this
Did you notice all of the spelling errors that Blackshepherd made? Yet he called us clueless and idiots. No wonder our schools here are failing, all the people from up North are coming here and attending our schools and making us from the South look dumb!!!
By Kevin
January 25, 2008 5:54 AM | Link to this
The perfect crime: A smurf robs a bank and doesn’t care if the blue dye pack explodes in his pants. (and his wife was none the wiser)
Hollywood’s best bank robbery was the one they never showed in “Reservoir Dogs”. The discussions by the robbers after the getaway told you everything. Harvey Keitel! Was that his best performance? If you havent’ seen “Reservoir Dogs”, then you are in for a wonderful experience. You wont believe your eyes. This movie is not just great cinema. This movie explains why you should never sell out. Look at the director when he was hungry and then look at him later on after pulp fiction, when he was a god. He stinks as a god. His movies blow chunks now. Solid chunks.
The journey, people. It’s about getting there. Everybody can make it, if they work hard enough and get a lucky break. So what. Anybody can make it. But think of the audience. If a talented artist makes it, it’s unlikely that the material will stay great. The artist will invariably “sell out”, that is, he’ll see that if he copies popular trends in art, he’ll make more money, and thus, we get another shootout at the OK corral, or a Picasso rip off, or Steven King.
Hungry, humble, and hopeless: Recipe for a masterpiece.
Originality gets 95% of your grade. Stay hungry. Look at “No country for old men”. This novel is praised. yet it’s mostly people shooting at each other and drug deals gone bad. Gee, we’ve never read that before. The author hacked a technique where he doesn’t use quotation marks when the characters speak, and he spells gerunds by dropping the g. (stinkin’) in an attempt to protray vernacular. So we get our 99 millionth variation of the shootout at the ok corral and the hicks that cant shut up. I cant believe people read the same story over and over. Oh? Did the bad guy shoot the other guy? Then the good guy shot the bad guy? at point blank range? Did the bad guys have assault rifles yet miss the good guy everytime when they shot at him as he ran across a clearing where they couldn’t possibly have missed? And did the good guy shoot back with a toy-derringer and kill all the bad guys with one or two shots even though they wore body armor?
By Msqueenmarie
January 25, 2008 7:40 AM | Link to this
Amazing, I’m from the big bad North and they Don’t rob Banks nearly as much as they do here. And, I to think the Captain. is a cute writer.
Sometimes In a world as such that we live in now, you almost have to laugh to keep from crying!!
By Julie
January 25, 2008 8:22 AM | Link to this
Dadgum yankees. Always butting in where they have no business. We are southerners the south is OURS.You are a visitor no matter how long you live here. Stop trying to change what you don’t understand.
By Fred
January 25, 2008 9:41 AM | Link to this
I think Steve is a Yankee. Ain’t from OHIO or sumfink?
LOL I hadn’t heard about the would be bank robbing bimbo when I read this yesterday but i figured it had to be in response to a particularly stupid crime. Sure ‘nuff when I turned on the news last night there it was. I’m with Kia, Marta as a get away car is hilarious.
Poor lil Ill boogie. You just stay home sweetheart and lie in bed in the fetal position with the electric blanket turned up to nine for the rest of your life. You poor poor “victim”.
By Putrid Myspacer from hell
January 25, 2008 10:03 AM | Link to this
No real southerner would say, dadgum. a northerner trying to write like a southerner would though, so stfu, cityboy.
By HelKat
January 25, 2008 10:12 AM | Link to this
Ill Boogie, I will refer you to my previous post/statement to Blackshepard. Since you both are so f…ing brilliant and intelligent, as evidenced by the longitude/latitude of your birth that you wave like a banner, I find it hard to believe you do not recognize tongue-in-cheek humor when you see it. No glorification of bank robbery was intended by Detective Rose’s article. To paraphrase Msqueenmarie, “Sometimes….you almost have to laugh to keep from crying.”
Evidently, you are in dire need of honing up on your reading comprehension skills in conjunction with your writing capabilities (i.e. spelling, punctuation, syntax, run-on sentences etc.). Could it be you were sleeping in class those days at that fine institution of learning? As for your name calling of “stupid” to those who did comprehend along with the well-worn, lame a@$ comment “get a life,” well d@$%, how bright you must be to have ended up as a bank teller, a job which involves the handling of cash in a field with a well known and long history of such events taking place. Hmmm! As with any job involving the handling of cash with the known probability that your chances are high of someone trying to take that money from you by whatever means necessary, you take your chances. I am not trying to knock valid, honest and honorable jobs but good grief…..at any rate, I hope you can obtain counseling for lingering issues.
I am generally a people person with many of my friends being from all over, whether it be NY (my best friend of many years) to California. I do not like nor adhere to this Southern/Northern thing. We are all human. However, I do take umbrage with ignorant individuals that have the audacity to call others stupid while at the same time having major shortfalls in their own comprehension of the material presented.
By Natalie*
January 25, 2008 10:15 AM | Link to this
LT. Rose, you have done it again! What a delightfully hilarious way to look at the stupidity of robbing a bank! You are well on the way to another great year of sage advice with a humorous twist. Gotta love it!
By ill~boogie
January 25, 2008 2:03 PM | Link to this
HelKat you are really funny…I hope you don’t have high blood pressure b/c you really seem a bit upset. At least you are being consistant with the South by taking so long to catch up with what I was saying and still not understand what was said. Great Job! The funny thing is I know no glorification of bank robbery was intended by Rose’s article, I said paying attention to robbers makes no sense. Do you understand? Well when you realize sometime next week, or the week after that…then you will know what I’m talking about.
Fred, I don’t need to stay home, I’m fine. The man that robbed us is not. He is the one staying at his new home for the next 50+ years in a nice cell. Why don’t you go F$$k him while he’s in the fetal position, B$t$h!
Enjoy you weekend.
By ill~boogie
January 25, 2008 2:06 PM | Link to this
HelKat you are really funny…I hope you don’t have high blood pressure b/c you really seem a bit upset. At least you are being consistant with the South by taking so long to catch up with what I was saying and still not understand what was said. Great Job! The funny thing is I know no glorification of bank robbery was intended by Rose’s article, I said paying attention to robbers makes no sense. Do you understand? Well when you realize sometime next week, or the week after that…then you will know what I’m talking about.
Fred, I don’t need to stay home, I’m fine. The man that robbed us is not. He is the one staying at his new home for the next 50+ years in a nice cell. Why don’t you go F$$k him while he’s in the fetal position, B$t$h!
Enjoy you weekend.
By ill~boogie
January 25, 2008 2:17 PM | Link to this
Little Jules sorry didn’t want to leave you out…schools are not filled with people from the North they are filled with kids that have parents have from the South, it’s a continous flow… dumb parents dumb kids. Sorry Little Jules. Since I use to work in the bank….it was funny how the 17+ yrs old kids didn’t know how to cash a check or even fill out a deposit slip, maybe one of those kids was yours. Ha Ha!!
By ill~boogie
January 25, 2008 2:32 PM | Link to this
Sorry Jules didn’t want you leave you out. Schools are not filled with kids from the North but yet the ones from parents from the South. It’s a continuous process…dumb parents dumb kids. It was funny in the branch when little Johnnie or little Suzzie would come in and didn’t know how to fill out a deposit slip, cash a check, or had a NSF for buying something for $1 or two and then go buy something else for their friend who has no bank account and get hit with 2-3 NSF’s. I’m talking about 17+ yrs old kids. I was taught all that up North in school Jules. Ummm… maybe Little Johnnie or Suzzie was one of your kids that came into my branch. You can teach them that this weekend, tell them you learned that from someone named ill~boogie that’s from up North. Jules if you need a refresh course in banking or don’t understand something I said call me @ 678-408-** i’m available all day!
By ill~boogie
January 25, 2008 2:35 PM | Link to this
Sorry Jules didn’t want you leave you out. Schools are not filled with kids from the North but yet the ones from parents from the South. It’s a continuous process…dumb parents dumb kids. It was funny in the branch when little Johnnie or little Suzzie would come in and didn’t know how to fill out a deposit slip, cash a check, or had a NSF for buying something for $1 or two and then go buy something else for their friend who has no bank account and get hit with 2-3 NSF’s. I’m talking about 17+ yrs old kids. I was taught all that up North in school Jules. Ummm… maybe Little Johnnie or Suzzie was one of your kids that came into my branch. You can teach them that this weekend, tell them you learned that from someone named ill~boogie that’s from up North. Jules if you need a refresh course in banking or don’t understand something I said call me @ 678-408-** i’m available all day!
By ill~boogie
January 25, 2008 2:36 PM | Link to this
Sorry Jules didn’t want you leave you out. Schools are not filled with kids from the North but yet the ones from parents from the South. It’s a continuous process…dumb parents dumb kids. It was funny in the branch when little Johnnie or little Suzzie would come in and didn’t know how to fill out a deposit slip, cash a check, or had a NSF for buying something for $1 or two and then go buy something else for their friend who has no bank account and get hit with 2-3 NSF’s. I’m talking about 17+ yrs old kids. I was taught all that up North in school Jules. Ummm… maybe Little Johnnie or Suzzie was one of your kids that came into my branch. You can teach them that this weekend, tell them you learned that from someone named ill~boogie that’s from up North. Jules if you need a refresh course in banking or don’t understand something I said call me @ 678-408-** i’m available all day!
By Lee
January 25, 2008 4:13 PM | Link to this
ill~boogie, if you’re going to talk about us ‘dumb’ Southerners, try not hitting the post button 2-3 times every post.
By ill~boogie
January 25, 2008 4:22 PM | Link to this
Sorry, I guess you don’t make mistakes, like the one you made by not replying to the article. Ummm!
By ill~boogie
January 25, 2008 4:27 PM | Link to this
Lee, did you even read the article? That’s really dumb to write about my comment and not even say one thing about the article. How do you think Mr. Rose feels?
By Bear
January 25, 2008 4:42 PM | Link to this
Steve Rose’s article was funny, and it just goes to show you that if you’re going to rob a bank, only take the bearer bonds. They cant slip a dye pack in them and for a small volume of paper you have a fortune.
By HelKat
January 25, 2008 4:59 PM | Link to this
Greetings Ill Boogie. Thank you for the back handed compliment (i.e. “really funny”) ;) (Note: so as not to confuse you, that was “Sarcasm”)
Continuing on. As for myself, no worries/upsets nor high blood pressure. Towards the end of that post, I was actually trying to be nice and temper my comments somewhat believe it or not. Evidently though, I struck a nerve or you would not have lashed out in such a manner. Like a good majority of people in the metro area, I am a transplant myself and have adjusted to the environs rather well and enjoying life. Unfortunately though, it seems you have not. I have also had the good fortune to live ‘up North’ and as far West as Arizona and not once during that time come across such a contrived, vitriol laden individual as yourself. What, since the South is so backwards and stupid with the North being the cream of the crop of this country, were you perchance one of its rejects? Is that what happens to “challenged” Northerners, sent to the South as a form of punishment or purgatory?
“Paying attention to robbers makes no sense.” Blah..blah..blah. It is apparent that any attempt to show this blog for what it actually was or intended to be is a waste of time as you are just not capable of understanding the point. Again, your lack of comprehension and blatant need to make assumptions (and an A*******wipe of yourself) knows no bounds. If you are trying to engage in a battle of wits, at least have the decency and respect for yourself to come prepared. You have the temerity to talk down the intelligence of a certain geographic sector of people but can not even f…ing spell or piece together a proper sentence in the process. Freaking amazing! Ever heard of Websters? Given it all, I find your attempts at grasping for some form of Northern superiority rather amusing. Exactly how long did it take to train you for that mentally challenging position of bank teller? Ooohhh! You can both add and subtract. Very impressive! Ever heard of Pavlov’s dog? Even lower animal forms can be conditioned to perform certain tricks. To all the dogs et. al. out there, my apologies for the comparison.
If I am correct, and I know that I am, you were the one crying and whining like a little P…y A$$ B…h in your initial post about having that big, bad ol’ gun stuck in your face. Well boo f..ing hoo! Fifty plus years! Well that guy was really inefficient. So, since you still have the ability to hang around to b.., pi$$, moan and whine, try arranging yourself some counseling along with a good prescription of happy pills.
To paraphrase/borrow your last line; addressing this to Fred and all others “Enjoy you weekend.” Snort!
Seriously Fred and others, whether from the North, South, East or West, have a great weekend. Cheers.
By jules
January 25, 2008 6:17 PM | Link to this
ill~boogie…aren’t we full of ourself? and working at the bank? at 30, I am running my own company and have been for years, I have 500+ employees working for me. As for you, you can can me Dr. Jules, as my education is that far advanced. Not bad for someone from the South. As far as my child, my 5 year old son is very advanced, super smart even. He just turned 5 in December, he’s already in 1st grade. Now, about the yankee kids attending school here, there are plenty of them, I see their rude parents on a daily basis at the school.
By Tex
January 25, 2008 8:23 PM | Link to this
Helkat: Try the salve.
By HelKat
January 25, 2008 9:26 PM | Link to this
Well Tex, which brand could you recommend?
By Fred
January 25, 2008 9:53 PM | Link to this
Gee Lil boogie, you are a foul mouthed lil one aren’t you? I’ll bet you learned that in the Yankee brothel in which your mother raised you. Did you learn it from her, her tricks or her pimp? i am quite sure she is SO proud of you. i’m sure you are proud of yourself. As for me? Your lack of proper upbringing and foul mouth leave me unmoved. You see, I’m used to dealing with inbred Yankees who have no proper upbringing.
Bless your heart……