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AJC.com > Metro > View from the cop > Archives > 2007 > December > 28 > Entry
My post-holiday feeding plan
The Atlanta Journal-Constitution
I don’t know about you but I’m miserable. You eat all that junk just after you tell yourself that you’re not going to eat all that junk because you want a guilt-free after-Christmas feeling. Good luck.
I tried it one year, choosing to stuff myself with turkey instead of all the sweets and starches but I ate too much turkey and fell asleep until February. Actually that myth is disputed by many. Tryptophan, the amino acid in turkey, is a natural sedative but they say you would have to have a lot more than the normal person eats and it would probably have to be on an empty stomach which isn’t likely. Actually the sleepy part comes from the five pounds of stuff lying around the table, walnuts, dip, candy, cookies, and large quantities of “Grandma’s special medicine.”
You don’t eat but instead you actually feed. After feeding you sit. You don’t do anything else but sit. Why? Because you’re just realized that you ate so much you could injure yourself by moving too quickly. It’s so bad that if you had a colostomy bag and a catheter, you’d be in heaven.
Whatever your feeding situation is, the usual end-result is that you find yourself miserable don’t you? You want to go on one of those diets where you lose twenty pounds in just four hours. Bulimia seems worthy of consideration for a moment? It’s crazy.
But, just when you thought that all was lost and you’re on the way to becoming Subway’s Jared, the before picture, your common sense makes a brief cameo and you say to yourself: “That’s it!! I’ve bottomed out. This is the time to make my stand. I’m getting up off the couch and I’m going over to the gym and I’m signing up! I’m going to be somebody that others look to and say “I want to look like THAT guy!”
Oooh, lookie. Leftover pumpkin pie!
“First thing tomorrow I’m getting up off the couch and I’m going over to the gym and I’m signing up! I’m going to be somebody that others look to and say “I want to look like THAT guy!”
Comments
By Bubba, Jr.
December 28, 2007 8:35 AM | Link to this
I’ve never actually entertained the idea of going to a gym. I get tired even thinking about it. I usually take a long walk after a holiday meal. That way I can eat an entire pecan pie when I return.
By Cindy
December 28, 2007 9:59 AM | Link to this
Too funny Bubba Jr!
Steve, you’re hilarious. Now you know it takes more than just going and “signing up” for the gym, right? You have to actually go and work out. Remember, eat ya a banana before you go. Sounds counterproductive but it’s not. Just don’t eat a cookie before you go…been there, done that…didn’t work out too well. I had to work ten times as hard for each and every movement and thought I was going to drop from exhaustion BEFORE I made 2 minutes on the eliptical machine. After I made 5 minutes…I was bound and determined to make 5…so after 5, I called it a day and went home. So NEVER eat a cookie…more specifically one of those chocolate marshmallow little debbie things. That’s what it was.
Now another time I was on the same eliptical machine…or one of them in the same row anyway…and after 20 minutes I was ready to get off and do weights…that’s when I looked down the row and saw a large person just going at it…I told myself, I said “self, you’re going to go a few seconds longer than her, or die trying.” The fact that I’m here typing this now proves that I made it, but I thought for a while she was gonna whoop me.
I don’t want to look like “that guy”, I just want to look like I did a month ago, before “snack days” and “holidays” took their toll. Then I’ll go from there with goals. Mostly my goal for now is just to get BACK inside the gym. I don’t believe I’ve even laid eyes on the place for two weeks. I’ve had to run all over town buying stuff nobody needed and eating everything that wasn’t nailed down too tightly.
Happy New Year Ya’ll!!! :)
By Fred
December 28, 2007 11:19 AM | Link to this
I knew a guy named Jim once. He was a fat boy too, but kind of a decent sort. Why would anyone wanna work him over? He steal the last biscuit or something?
By Jo
December 28, 2007 3:54 PM | Link to this
I’m hoping I left the house this morning with shoes that match my purse, but since I haven’t seen my feet in ages..
By Carolyn
December 28, 2007 4:43 PM | Link to this
Happy New Year!
By cjc
December 28, 2007 6:25 PM | Link to this
Be glad that you’re able to gorge on all those goodies. I’ve been losing weight rather fast—so fast that I had a gallbladder attack when I tried to eat grandma’s roast earlier this week. Spending Christmas Eve in the Kennestone ER was not fun. Delicious fats=agony booth, so I’m avoiding all of that stuff.
By Tina B
December 28, 2007 7:24 PM | Link to this
Ummmmm…I think I just ate my willpower.
By Teacher
December 28, 2007 10:41 PM | Link to this
Love the site! Thanks for keeping us informed of what is going on in Sandy Springs.
By Glenda
December 29, 2007 8:57 AM | Link to this
I hate “that guy”. He stole my boyfriend, the dirty rat. I just couldn’t compete against Weejuns and Goldcup socks.
My kingdom for a horse.
By That Guy
December 29, 2007 10:51 AM | Link to this
Glenda, I stole your man because he wanted a real man, not a F* HAG.
Get over it….He wanted a burrito instead of a taco.
By That Guy
December 29, 2007 10:57 AM | Link to this
What’s wrong Glenda?….couldn’t please your man?
By Santa
December 29, 2007 12:07 PM | Link to this
Think you’ve got problems…how about enough cookies to choke a Kiebler elf, enough milk to float the Titanic and all the other stuff “dad” thinks Santa should eat. That would include sandwiches, chips, beer, wine and cheese,pie, cake, and other associated “left overs.” All of that while he fumbles with a pair of pliers putting together little Johnny’s bike.
Merry Christmas Steve, I’ll be watching you this next year.
Santa
By Glenda
December 29, 2007 5:46 PM | Link to this
Well!
By Cindy
December 29, 2007 7:38 PM | Link to this
This blog took an interesting turn. Dang.
By Fred
December 30, 2007 1:04 PM | Link to this
Well Cindy, eventually on any blog a mean old cave troll will appear to try to disrupt things. Ignore it and it will die from lack of feeding………
By Grand Poobah
December 30, 2007 3:13 PM | Link to this
How many people are still eating from the xmas turkey leftovers? it’s been five whole days. Is it still safe? Who cares, pass the mayo.
By Cindy
December 30, 2007 10:13 PM | Link to this
I stopped eating the turkery remnants Friday. We’d made soup with some of it, and my belly ached after eating some of it Saturday afternoon, so I chunked it into the trash. Turns out it wasn’t the turkey after all…probably. I think my belly is just tired of all the crap food and is ready for normal food again…in moderation too. I gained 5 pounds between Thanksgiving and now…and redeveloped a horrible snacking habit that I now have to tame. :(
By Kellix
December 31, 2007 11:36 AM | Link to this
I saw a program that said, its not the tryptophan that makes you sleepy its the CARBO overload that knocks you out. All the dressing, mac and cheese and potatoes. :)
By Jean
December 31, 2007 4:05 PM | Link to this
Shucks.I had Christmas dinner in South Carolina so didn’t have any leftovers. I LOVE That dressing leftovers(that’s stuffing to some of you). A little dressing and some cranberries sounds just right to me about now.
By Gern
December 31, 2007 9:44 PM | Link to this
The post-big meal is compounded with the guilt and the guilt comes too early. The problem is you need to get the guilt at the end of the holidays instead of aftet the first meal. There are too many other meals to miss. You know, the ones where your family gives you sh— if you don’t pack on the dressing. It’s right after the big meal, you know, when you’re on the floor like a walrus, wondering if the gas is going to release north or south, you know the feeling? Anyway, how do you motivate yourself? I just get p** and eat a waffle. Are there diet waffles? If there are, are there diet waffle models showing off their new shapes? Sadly, I don’t think so. Maybe Buddah will be “in” this year.
By Fred
January 1, 2008 1:44 AM | Link to this
Actually Gern, though i suspect it was a rhetorical question, there ARE “diet waffles.” You need to get your flatulent self off the floor and get out more……….
By Weary Traveler
January 1, 2008 10:54 PM | Link to this
Be happy you could keep all that stuff down. We experienced that awful stomach virus that has been ravaging the Northeast and CA. It’s ugly.
By santa
January 2, 2008 3:34 AM | Link to this
comment only after being approved!!! Typical cracker black orientated ungodly nonsense. Non freedom of speech, censured to continue ungodly black type of domination and control for corruption. No wonder cracker black control of atlanta suffers destruction. You eat, dress,change your appearance, educate- in fact do and try to be white in every way and yet hate and commit violence to destroy white righteousness. Black atlantans are fools forever.
By santa
January 2, 2008 3:37 AM | Link to this
comment only after being approved!!! Typical cracker black orientated ungodly nonsense. Non freedom of speech, censured to continue ungodly black type of domination and control for corruption. No wonder cracker black control of atlanta suffers destruction. You eat, dress,change your appearance, educate- in fact do and try to be white in every way and yet hate and commit violence to destroy white righteousness. Black atlantans are fools forever.
By santa
January 2, 2008 3:37 AM | Link to this
comment only after being approved!!! Typical cracker black orientated ungodly nonsense. Non freedom of speech, censured to continue ungodly black type of domination and control for corruption. No wonder cracker black control of atlanta suffers destruction. You eat, dress,change your appearance, educate- in fact do and try to be white in every way and yet hate and commit violence to destroy white righteousness. Black atlantans are fools forever.
By Cindy
January 2, 2008 11:59 AM | Link to this
stupid, moronic, no imagination, rediculous santa. have a little patience and stop clicking on the “post” button. spare us your nails-on-the-chalkboard complaining.
By Excessive Use
January 2, 2008 4:03 PM | Link to this
Somebody definitely got their cornflakes pooped in, innit?? At any rate, earlier this summer it was my plan to get washboard abs by joining a gym and having the membership card in my wallet. Alas, the card had no direct effect.
By Grand Poobah
January 2, 2008 5:55 PM | Link to this
That’s a great set up, Excessive Use. Now sleep on the punchline for a few nights, and you’ll think of a great one, but great set up. Okay, let me take a stab at it. The wallet contains trojans that never get used sometimes. SO there’s an angle. I put my gym membership card in my wallet next to the Trojan, and my girlfriend just gave birth to a buff baby. nah, that stinks. But you get the idea. Go for it.
By lindsay rose
January 7, 2008 9:58 AM | Link to this
Hey Dad! Funny story! I love you!
By lindsay rose
January 7, 2008 9:58 AM | Link to this
Hey Dad! Funny story! I love you!