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AJC.com > Metro > View from the cop > Archives > 2007 > November > 14
Wednesday, November 14, 2007
Don’t mess with the Pray-for-Rain Channel
The Atlanta Journal-Constitution
We are in the aftermath of the Giant Prayer, conducted by Gov. Sonny Purdue, who has no scar tissue to his forehead because he took the high road and did not head-butt Florida Governor Charlie Crist or Alabama Governor Bob Riley.
Good for him. After all, he is the man we elected and quite frankly, he never made any campaign promise to head-butt anyone. (Personally I think his political advisors should watch more action films because head-butting does accomplish certain things quite quickly and quite convincingly.) Be that as it may, he did the Giant Prayer.
We have a water crisis on our hands. Note this is not a crisis involving selfish things such as winning Lotto tickets, new tool boxes, or Playstation 3s. I say this because Snake, whom I’ve known off and on for twenty years, wrote to me from his current address (B.O.P.) and told me that he used the giant prayer to pray for a winning Mega Millions ticket and cigarettes. That is so un-cool and bad timing to boot.
How many others diluted the Giant Prayer Channel with selfish thoughts of what they wanted instead of what we collectively needed, which may I remind you, is water? I think more selfish heathens are out there than we would like to believe.
To you I say this: Beware!
Why?
Mother Nature is no bimbo, kiddies! She is smarter than most of us including you smug math guys. I have stumbled upon a theory that seems to hold water.
The water is going down. There are fish and other creatures in the water that also know the water is going down. They have figured out that if the water goes to zero, they die. They are not stupid. They have called on Mother Nature and if my calculations are correct, they will evolve, almost fully, by December 10, 2007 around 7:30 p.m.!
That’s right. They will come right out of the water on Monday, December 10, 2007, and they will immediately start screwing things up for us humans—as if we don’t have enough problems—and of all days, a Monday to boot! There goes the week!
For me, give me fully evolved or not evolved at all. It’s controversial but it’s a stand. What in the hell are we going to have to endure now? Half-evolved mutant fish-people, really small ones at that, are going to be adapting to our human culture and the next thing you know there they are, standing out there at Abernathy Road and GA 400 with a sign that says “Will Work For Bloodworms and Algae Flakes.”
Where does the vicarious liability stop? How far back will the lawyers like Dilbert and Sputnik and Ted Nugent sue us for letting the fish-people evolve too soon? Who do we blame? I’ll tell you who. Those stupid mussels! I hate those guys!
In the mean time, you better not cloud those prayer lines with selfish requests like new tires, a set of wrenches, or satellite radio. We need a clear channel here boys!
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