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AJC.com > Metro > View from the cop > Archives > 2007 > October > 30 > Entry
That’s head-butt. Not butt-head.
The Atlanta Journal-Constitution
Governor Sonny Perdue headed up to Washington this week, to plead his case with whoever it is that looks into droughts, about this feud with Alabama Governor Bob Riley and Florida Governor Charlie Crist.
Crist is arguing that reducing or restricting water down the pike will affect the freshwater mussels and some guy named Sturgeon, thus affecting the delicate bio-stuff along the area of the Apalachicola River at the Gulf of Mexico. It also creates hydropower to operate a coal-fired power plant. The water from Lake Allatoona helps power a nuclear power plant in southern Alabama.
On the other side, regionally speaking, Lake Lanier provides a small service to Georgia residents called drinking water!! The lake is about three months from showing us where all those lost car keys went.
Now we’re at a point where everyone is running up to Washington and telling mommy what the other one did and waiting to say “Nah-Nah — Mommy likes me best!” to the loser. By the time we find a solution and then correct the original solution, meaning spend the next millennium in court, the lake will be gone. On the upside, the housing market will show a slight surge thanks in part to the new houseboat-trailer communities sporting marketing themes such as Real Simulated Maritime Living at Holiday Marina and Dude Ranch.
I think we need to adopt the “Desperate-Measures-for-Desperate-Times approach on this crisis and cut to the chase. One word, although hyphenated:
Smack-Down!
Sonny Purdue is bald. You know why he’s bald? He’s bald because he’s been butting heads! You know any ex-football players who don’t? Ever been to a football alumni get together? Shake hands, grab a beer, butt heads, and eat some BBQ. Hell, their wives and kids butt heads! A very clear message is sent when you’re prepared to butt heads! This is a fight we can win.
We set up a 3-way match called “Mussel-Mania” with one rule: Winner takes all the water.
Here’s the Fight Card:
Gov. Bob Riley
Governor Bob Riley? I don’t think so. He’s a pretty boy. This guy has staffers in charge of hair mousse. I look at him and say “Who butts heads with fabulous hair like that?” He raised cattle for 25 years and no head butting? Cows like to head-butt! True they don’t like to be tipped but the Governor had the opportunity to be in the Head-Butting Hall of Fame if only he didn’t mind messing up his hair.
No, this man can’t have our water.
That leaves Florida Governor Charlie Crist, Jr.
Okay Sonny, Riley is gone. Bad hair day. One left and the water is ours!
Here’s your motivation: Charlie Crist played football. Yep, just like you, he played college football. Charlie played football at Wake Forest so he won’t fold like Riley. You’ll need to get him on the mat then challenge him to something that will strike fear in his heart! Get into his head!
What is the most dreaded football drill of all? The Oklahoma Drill. Why? They set you up like two freight trains, head on and when the whistle blows, somebody has to mow down the other somebody. Turf war. You’re either the run-over-er or the run-over-ee and over-ee is not pretty.
Challenge him to an Oklahoma Drill and show up wearing nothing but a thong, a parachute, and a Viking helmet with incense burning in each horn. You’ll get his attention—and remember, Wake Forest is in the ACC.
Now go get our water!
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Comments
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By Lee
October 30, 2007 4:19 PM | Link to this
Sonny Purdue in a thong and viking helment. Damn you Steve for putting that image in my head.
Oh yeah, there are at least six power plants on the Chattahoochee river basin. Power plants require cooling water - lots of it. Cooling water comes from the river. No cooling water, no electricity. No electricity, and you can’t watch college football on your new big screen.
You can always drink beer. Bathing is overrated anyway.
By El Bubba
October 30, 2007 6:58 PM | Link to this
Lt. Rose,
Why aren’t “they” using this unique historical opportunity to remove sediment from Lake Lanier? When it fills-up again, Praise the Lord, it could hold more water, for the next time.
By J
October 31, 2007 10:06 AM | Link to this
Lee - the power plans don’t even consume that much water; about 93% of it is returned to the river. Also, I believe there are quite a bit more than 6 plants on the river, good point though!
By Greghard
October 31, 2007 11:33 AM | Link to this
Florida only exists to keep Georgia from slamming into Cuba.
Q: What to they put on license plates in Alabama? A: “At Least We Ain’t Mississippi”
By Ron
October 31, 2007 2:19 PM | Link to this
Most of the water we use ends up back in the river, so the power plants and mussels are getting it anyway, only in slightly used form.
By BexB
October 31, 2007 4:13 PM | Link to this
Eat the mussels - end the war!!!
By Lee
October 31, 2007 10:25 PM | Link to this
Nuke the mussels — save the water to make ice cubes for our scotch!
Now there’s something worth fighting over….