View from the cop: Crime & punishment
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AJC.com > Metro > View from the cop > Archives > 2007 > September > 17
Monday, September 17, 2007
Unpacking the big one
The Atlanta Journal-Constitution
Around 7 p.m. tonight I decided that I didn’t owe enough money so Detective Sandy and I got into my manly Dodge Ram pickup truck and drove off into the rain. Three hours later we came home with a television that costs three jillion dollars! It’s forty-two feet long and has a resolution of fifteen digit numbers times more fifteen digit numbers. It’s so advanced that astronauts have to come by and set it up for us.
I know what you’re saying: “Oh yeah, it’s football season. How did you con your wife into buying a television that requires it’s own zip code?”
Simple. I subscribed to the Soap Channel.
“You’re not getting that big television.” “Sandy, guess what happened on ‘The Young and the Restless’ today?”
“Tell me.”
“Well, at Crimson Lights, Michael informed Gloria that he was planning to get a plea bargain for Kevin, Daniel and Amber. Gloria didn’t care about the fate of the “blond bimbo.” Meanwhile, Amber debated (with an even less scrupulous version of herself) over what to do with the suitcase of money in Ji Min’s former room. She considered using the money to cut a demo but then concluded that friendship was more important.”
“What does that have to do with the television?”
“Picture all that forty-two feet long!”
“That doesn’t make sense.”
“I’ll make the bed for a year and go to church”
“Really?”
“No!—I mean Yes!— I mean I’ll make the bed and pick up my socks every night.”
“I don’t know.”
“I’ll clean your Glock!”
“Deal.”
When you buy a television that big, they deliver it by freighter. Fortunately I have a manly Dodge Ram pickup and so the freighter wasn’t necessary but three miles of twine was. We drove home looking like we had a spider web in the back. I was so paranoid that I would lose it out the back. (We had to leave the tailgate down.)
When you buy a television that big, you have to notify customs to inspect the box in case someone tries to smuggle a tank so after all the hoopla and trying to explain what hoopla means, we waved goodbye to the warehouse dock workers whose salaries we had just paid for two years and we left thinking we were home free.
Then it started to rain. As we drove up GA 400, I commanded that it should stop raining because I had just spent the equivalent of the GNP of a Third World country and this would not be fair. It was not fair.
It rained harder. I whined.
It rained harder, and then it stopped.
It just wanted me to know who’s boss.
When you buy the big television, the sales guy talks to you about things you don’t necessarily understand. Electronics involved putting letters together and then a dash, and then four or five numbers. The current buzz letters include DLP. I shook my head as if to know what he meant. I said: “It’s the mirrors.” He smiled and then said words with many syllables. When he occasionally stopped, I would repeat myself. “It’s the mirrors.” Finally he called me on it. “Do you mean the pixilated mirrors or the capacitating mirrors sir?”
“Uh … uh, wuh …you know …”
Once we arrived home, I gathered 60y or so neighbors and we carried the set inside. We had to cut a new door with the chain saw. Once inside, we stared at the television and the cables that contained big words and many letters followed by a dash and approximately four numbers. I held the box of cables and looked at them while nodding to give the impression that I understood which I did not.
Bottom line: It was up to me to make this spaceship work. I utilized my basic electronic knowledge, consisting of the red, white, and yellow jacks and plugged them into the corresponding holes. Usually, at this point, something catches on fire. This time however, nothing happened. Finally I gave in and called the astronauts. Soon we were watching the Soap Channel on steroids as Jerry pointed out to Sonny that, for once, the two of them were on the same side. At Patrick’s apartment, Leyla was insulted by Robin’s behavior and reminded the jealous doc that she was an invited guest. Patrick stated that he wouldn’t be jealous if she was spending time with a male friend. Detective Sandy hasn’t moved in hours and I don’t think Saturday can get here soon enough.
770-551-3300
That’s the new Sandy Springs Police tip line.
Sandy Springs Police announced Monday the installation of a dedicated phone line to handle crime tips in the city. The line is available in both English and Spanish. Callers can post a message on the line, which is monitored several times each day.
This is not a substitution for 911l. It is designed to give persons wishing to remain anonymous, the ability to give honest and accurate information regarding criminal activity in Sandy Springs. Any emergency call should still be directed to 911.
