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AJC.com > Metro > View from the cop > Archives > 2007 > September > 06 > Entry
Vacation: Here’s your hat. What’s your hurry?
The Atlanta Journal-Constitution
We spent last week in Atlantic City. The detective had a conference and I bummed along just for giggles, looking for victims to kidnap and bring home to my Rotweiller to dismember.
I had never been there. I enjoyed it. We stayed at the Sheraton, which is about six blocks off the Boardwalk. The Sheraton has many exhibits from various Miss America Pageants since the 1920’s. Some of the other upscale hotels have various exhibits from the pageants over the years. Our hotel had Miss America dresses, crowns, and slippers. Even the lower rent fleabags had memorabilia from past pageants. For instance, the No-Tell Motel districts have interesting displays including actual toenail clippings from Miss America 1929.
Getting to Atlantic City takes about an hour and a half—in theory. In airline time it’s a four and a half hour flight including the three-hour delay and three gate changes. Finally, getting on the plane at 11:30 p.m. for our 8:30 p.m. flight, I thought I could at least relax. That was until, when I boarded and walked past the cockpit door, I happened to see the pilot plugging in his PSP portable video game system. I expected the pilot to announce, after a couple of hours, that we had mistakenly flown to Montreal but the good news was that he had reached level six of his Navy Seals game.
Another thing that bothered me was the pilot’s hat. Do you remember those airplane movies from the 1950’s? Robert Stack and John Wayne wore the pilot’s hat a little crooked on the side? You just knew those dudes could fly. Our pilot’s hat looked like a mushroom and he had it pulled about a quarter-inch over his ears. At first I thought he was on a field trip with his Explorer’s Club or something. I want the pilot to look like Charlton Heston, not Woody Allen. Finally we reached Atlantic City around 2 a.m.
My schedule was this: Detective Sandy had meetings until lunch. After lunch she had meetings until about 4 p.m. This left me time to check out the place, return for lunch, check out the place more, return for dinner and then take her out on the town, or at least to the first slot machine at Bally’s.
I walked out of the hotel which is about five blocks off the Boardwalk. I met a homeless guy named Carl. Carl was about my age and looked like a caveman. He told me he had the secrets to the blackjack tables and he’d sell me his formula for success for only $50. He told me that this was the most effective formula in all of Las Vegas. I told him we were in Atlantic City. I bought him a sandwich and coffee and I’d see him tomorrow. I never saw Carl after that.
I got on the Boardwalk and walked it from the Hilton to the Taj Mahal. By the time I got back to meet Detective Sandy for lunch, I had walked over four miles and, on the first day, won about $200. I would later give it all back with interest. I walked it every day and didn’t have any guilt about eating whatever I wanted. I knew I’d even out with all that walking.
I gained four pounds.
We had been gone a week and I missed my king sized bed and my Rotweiller who was born of Satan and threatens the existence of our snobby neighbors. I dearly wanted to get back to my home to check for weeds prior to the inspection of the Imperial Weed Commandant of the HOA. I wanted to get there by a pilot to look like Charlton Heston.
We left Atlantic City on a 1 hour and 25 minute flight to Atlanta. Four hours later we arrived in Atlanta. When we got to Atlanta we were informed a storm was over the airport and we’d have to circle for 45 minutes. Unfortunately we didn’t have enough fuel for the 45 minutes. We had to fly to Columbus and get gas. Columbus is only a few minutes by air. We landed and sat on the tarmac for an hour.
We had to go to the bathroom—all of us. We landed, sat, and lined up for the little bathroom. After a few minutes the smell started off sort of bad and then went to really ugly. The two girls sitting next to the lavatory had their sweaters tied around their faces. The smell got worse and then traveled up the aisle. I knew this because the oxygen masks began falling down.
After we got to Atlanta, we sat on the tarmac awaiting another plane’s departure so we could get off of the plane. We got off and then waited for over an hour for our luggage to come. They said they would give us claim checks because all of the luggage had already come up on the merry go round and ours was not on it. It was lost and they would deliver it later. It was then I remembered our car keys were in the luggage.
We got home at 1 a.m. I pulled up the airline website and went to the comments section. I was going to complain about the hours of delays and the pilots playing video games and lost luggage but after a few minutes I decided that I needed to address the most serious issue facing the airline industry. I sent an e-mail that started out with: “Dear Sirs, Your hats look like mushrooms……”
I always enjoy the variety of messages on my voice mail when I return from a trip.
Hello Lieutenant Rose. A guy cut my tree down and it broke the fence. I didn’t pay him. Will I go to jail?
Beep. John Mark Karr was walking in the park near Chastain. Can he do that?
Beep. Hi, first time caller. Are you related to that guy in the AJC?
Beep. Cows scare me.
Beep. I’m calling about what you said in your column last June, about the guys who steal from the cars and all. I forgot what you said. Can you call me and tell me what you said?
Beep. That guy said I owe him the money for the tree. I’m not paying him until you call me.
Beep. Hi, this is Mahogany. Your brother said you need discipline. I’ll scold you for $7.99 a minute. He said it was okay and gave me your credit card number.
Comments
Commenting is now closed for this entry.
By Uh Clem
September 6, 2007 1:16 PM | Link to this
THANK GOD, you finally mentioned your very sucessfule brother in a column!!!!!! Was that so hard??
By english nazi
September 6, 2007 2:55 PM | Link to this
Your vacations always seem more interesting than mine, no fair!
By Bubba, Jr.
September 7, 2007 9:04 AM | Link to this
I always liked the part where the Duke slaps Robert Stack so hard that his mushroom hat spins around…
By Capt
September 7, 2007 10:45 AM | Link to this
I wanna know how you won $200 straight away. I never win anything. Next time can I go with you and watch.
By kia
September 7, 2007 4:27 PM | Link to this
Can I forward all my calls to your voice mail while you’re on vacation the next time? I’m sure they would be funnier to you than me.
By Lex Luthor
September 10, 2007 2:31 PM | Link to this
Can we pass some type of local Sickly-Pasty-White-Pedofile-Wanta-Be-Sub-Man tax of around one billion, gajillion, fifillion, shabba-doodle-ooly-million, sha-ming-gommy-shaly-million dollars?