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AJC.com > Metro > View from the cop > Archives > 2007 > April > 05 > Entry
The real story of my metaphysical trip
The Atlanta Journal-Constitution
Recently during lunch, I read a local paper dedicated to holistic health, personal growth, and spiritual paths. I think the older I get, the more interest I see in things that I would normally have no interest in. That doesn’t really make sense but what I mean is that sometimes I take a longer look at things just because.
The gist of this paper had a lot to do with things like mystic journeys. The last time I took a mystic journey was at a Humble Pie concert in San Diego around 1972. I was standing at the edge of the stage, back when you could still do that, enjoying the music and listening to my eardrums crack.
For some reason, right in the middle of a song, the guitar player looked down and then spit on me. Just looked right at me and spit! Did he think I came there to get spat on? Obviously I was offended and felt that I needed to discuss with him, his lack of courtesy.
I thought this would be a good time to crawl up on the stage and discuss it. About two steps into my discussion I was intercepted by a large semi-human with a long ragged ponytail, a starter-beard, and horrible body odor. He was wearing a black t-shirt that read “security.”
He placed me in one of those nose-to-armpit headlocks and we began our mystic journey to the back stage door. On the way he gave me a few punches to the ribs in response to my request that in his line of work he may need to put more stock in the use of deodorant.
He was kind enough to tell me that I was lucky I wasn’t going to jail as he threw me, literally, out the back loading dock area. The cops working the back door seemed disinterested in me, simply pointing to the parking lot saying “Go now.”
As I was saying, I gazed through this paper and read about things that have to do with metaphysical stuff. Metaphysical energy, Metaphysical workshops and other things involving the word “metaphysical”. That reminded me that I was due for my annual metaphysical in May. That sounded funnier late last night when I wrote it.
I read a short article having to do with the question: Is your home making you sick? The author was an energy consultant. The possible contributing factors, in the form of questions, were:
Does your family have chronic health problems?
Do you have trouble concentrating and suffer memory loss?
Are there arguments and fears?
Restless sleep, insomnia and nightmares?
Unexplained sounds, smells, or lights?
I have some of those symptoms but most can be explained otherwise. We all have problems concentrating.
I conducted an experiment and found that I had trouble concentrating and suffered some memory loss while away from the home. I just couldn’t remember where I was when I suffered it.
I fit number three as well. I have arguments and fears. Three words: I have kids!
The last one was easy. The unexplained sounds and smells are because the dogs like to sleep in our room. One dog is 80 pounds and when a dog like that has one of those gastric episodes at night the smoke alarms go off and the oxygen masks drop from the ceiling fans. Those dogs produce things that could easily cover all of those symptoms. I couldn’t explain the lights though. I’ll ask the voices who speak to me about that one.
I have to say that all of this information is, at least in my opinion, all good stuff that is designed to make you better in whatever way you need to be better.
I like the idea they propose. We are definitely a stressed-out species.
As I read further into this paper, I found an article on becoming grounded. Getting grounded is sort of creating a level of comfort within, sort of finding a good mental baseline and working from it. There are ups and downs in your life but you always have that foundation and it’s naturally acquired, not chemically. I did a little grounding exercise to see how it worked.
The instructions said to take ten minutes, sit quietly in a chair, with both feet flat on the floor. Rest your hands with palms up in your lap. Relax your shoulders and your jaw. Imagine you are sitting where you are. Imagine there is a cord plugged into the center of the earth and the other end plugged into the base of your spine.
Here’s the goal.
The cord is the grounding cord. Imagine all that bad stuff, bad energy, inside your mind such as fear, business problems, insecurities, that stupid designated hitter rule in the American League, and other bad things going on with you, running down the base of your spine and into that grounding cord that leads to the center of the earth and thus creating room in your body for good energy such as your humor, enthusiasm, creativity, and occasionally re-runs of Family Guy cartoons.
It sounded like a positive experience so I tried it.
I had problems.
I sat.
After two minutes I had to go to the bathroom.
I came back with seven minutes left.
I relaxed my shoulders and jaw.
I fell asleep and drooled all over my “I’m with Stupid” shirt with the arrow pointing down.
While I slept, I had a nightmare that someone had tied me to a rope and was pulling me down a large hole into hell!
I was screaming for help. Nobody heard me except Ron Blomberg, the first designated hitter in baseball, who, while wearing a Yankees uniform, was hitting my hands with a baseball bat yelling “Quit trying to screw up my legacy!!” (By the way, the first two times he swung he missed.) As I fell into the hole I saw Humble Pie singing “Thirty Days in the Hole!”
When I woke up I was holding a USB cord in one hand and a jar of pickles in the other. The dogs were looking at me with that look on their face like “We won’t say anything this time but we did noticed some leftover pork chops in the fridge…”
My metaphysical trip ended with me on the back deck watching darkness approach with my friend Jack, a cigar, and two smelly dogs chewing on pork-chop bones.
Maybe grounding is in the eyes of the beholder.
Comments
Commenting is now closed for this entry.
By Marie
April 5, 2007 1:39 PM | Link to this
Maybe the cord was in backwards and the bad energy shot from the center of the earth into your body. That was one of the funniest stories I’ve ever read.
By Cubbie
April 5, 2007 3:26 PM | Link to this
Ron Blomberg huh? It would be a Yankee that got the first AB.
Thanks for the information and another reason to hate the Yankees.
By Politics Aside
April 5, 2007 10:27 PM | Link to this
I know what you’re saying about metapixicals, man. I was at a Black Sabbath concert in 1972 and the opening band was a hari krishna guitar act with these bald guys in robes playing double necked guitars. well they started into their rock chants hari hari rama rama and this chick in front of me went all Linda Blair on them and started flipping them off and creating havoc mess on aisle three. There actually occurred a minor melee with pushing and shoving and hate-contorted faces. Then Ossie came on with I AM IRON MAN and blew us apart, no lie. I loved that night. I was with a dream girl, who had an ugly girl friend with really big tatas. So, when my date fell unconscious, I made out with the tatas. Right there, in front of everyone, in 1972, late august, in detroit city, man. I loved that night, man.
Now I wish I had a retirement plan.
By CaliGal
April 6, 2007 12:50 PM | Link to this
Thanks Steve! What a great way to start off my Friday. I’ll be smiling all day.
By Cindy
April 6, 2007 2:25 PM | Link to this
alrighty then.
By mustang100
April 6, 2007 2:29 PM | Link to this
Lt.Steve, next time may I suggest a Jack and bean sprout smoothie and just fah-getta-bout-it.
By mustang100
April 6, 2007 2:32 PM | Link to this
Politics, that would be O-Z-Z-Y. :-)
By Griselda
April 6, 2007 6:22 PM | Link to this
Still laughing.
By KJill
April 9, 2007 8:55 PM | Link to this
A mind is a terrible thing to waste, and this story is proof (90 proof) that Jack will waste your mind and have you writing crazy stories, isn’t that right Officer Steve?
By KJill
April 9, 2007 8:57 PM | Link to this
A mind is a terrible thing to waste, and this story is proof (90 proof) that Jack will waste your mind and have you writing hilariously crazy stories, isn’t that right Officer Steve?
By dc
April 13, 2007 5:06 PM | Link to this
this was the stupidest thing i ever read