View from the cop: Crime & punishment
View from the Cop is moving to a new site on Wordpress. Blogger Steve Rose of the Sandy Springs Police Department gives his take on crime, offers safety tips and give his weekly picks from the police blotter. Follow Steve Rose to the new blog site.
AJC.com > Metro > View from the cop > Archives > 2007 > March > 14 > Entry
Fight crime: Ban karaoke
The Atlanta Journal-Constitution
What is all the yelling and screaming about? Are you people nuts? The city council in Lilburn is trying to save your life and all you can do is complain? Let me tell you something. The city father and mothers and probably close relatives of Lilburn have done extensive research backing their decision not to allow karaoke, trivia, dancing, and other things, like fun, at establishments that serve alcohol.
Do you have any idea what can happen when you get a bunch of drunk karaoke-ridden people all pumped up on karaoke? Combine that with beer? You’re just asking for problems in the neighborhood.
History shows that someone, crazy on beer and karaoke, could force entry into one’s home, and subjects the victims to “The Greatest Love of All” by Whitney Houston. They don’t stop there. Gwinnett County saw a sharp rise in drive-by ballads including “The Way You Look Tonight” by Elton John. Last year alone, three women were arrested within two square miles of the Lilburn City Hall after cops found them in possession of the same identical Karen Carpenter song “We’ve Only Just Begun.” One city official commented: “I don’t know what they were just beginning but Lord knows it couldn’t be good.”
The United States Bureau of Criminal Justice reported that in 2005 cases of illegal possession of Elvis wigs rose a staggering 32 percent. In summation, the article concluded that this single spike in Elvis activity could affect the market value of gold sunglasses and rhinestones.
Mayor Jack Bolton said Lilburn wants to attract restaurants but it wants to keep out bars that he says are masquerading as restaurants. City Council members all expressed concern that bars would lead to increased crime in Lilburn. To support their position, they brought in a drunk guy who, after only six minutes, asked for a beer and started singing “Friends in Low Places.” Before police could rush him out of the building, he asked the crowd what the capitol of Idaho was and then threw up on the floor.
If it weren;t obvious enough, let me point out that the Trivia Riots of 1987 started when Geneva Trenada, an employee at the Bastone School of Nail Art, failed to correctly answer the question: In the episode where Fonzie must perform a magic act in the place of the magician, what is the name of that trick and what materials did it require?
Geneva was injured by a member of the “Happy Days” motorcycle gang in attendance. The incensed crowd spilled into the streets and into the adjoining suburban community. Four people reported being tied up and forced to answer this question about the Brady Bunch: Why did the boys put itching powder in the girls’ sleeping bags?
As the victims screamed in fear, more questions were forced on them including: Who said, “I am a little Sunflower, sunny, brave, and true. From tiny bud to blossom, I do good deeds for you”? Witnesses used the term total chaos.
It is for our own good that local government regulates and monitors the explosive and volatile topics of karaoke and trivia. One or two songs, then a question or two and then BOOM! You got Vegas.
Many fear that clandestine pool halls and trivia contests will spring up in suburban areas. Police officials are setting up neighborhood patrols to monitor the sounds of bad singing and anyone purchasing more than one CD of KC and the Sunshine Band is required to register at city hall.
The council did amend the liquor law to allow arcade games and certain passive forms of dancing in certain establishments that serve more food that alcohol. The amendment calls dancing to allow “only movement above the waist with the exception of doing the Robot.”
The council should expect a hardy defense mounted by many lawyers with ponytails and bow ties at the next meeting. However the council, not to be outsmarted by those seeking radical forms of entertainment such as singing and asking questions, passed another ordinance late in the session declaring: “Any questions brought forth by legal counsel opposing the amendment will be considered trivia and thus not allowed.”
At the next session, the city council will address a proposed ordinance requiring a special permit to sing “Happy Birthday” by more than two people inside the city limits.
Comments
Commenting is now closed for this entry.
By rmn
March 14, 2007 6:04 PM | Link to this
Detective Rose,
Didn’t think you could top the Styx article, but this is easily your best yet.
By ben
March 14, 2007 6:08 PM | Link to this
Don’t you realize that irony and sarcasm has no place in Georgia? We don’t get that crazy stuff here.
By jc
March 14, 2007 6:37 PM | Link to this
Next thing ya know they will ban kids from playing four squares on the streets because it leads to gang activity
By Sheri
March 14, 2007 7:01 PM | Link to this
The Nail has been Officially Hit on the Head!!! Will you please venture over from N. Fulton to good ol’ Gwinnett and speak at the next council meeting and re-read this article. Maybe they will see the light… The “stupid, waste of time light, that is. I don’t recall any posted police reports stating that some innocent group was fearful of the kareokers and trivia players. What is this world coming to?? WE HAVE BIGGER FISH TO FRY!!! Come on people……
By Scott D
March 14, 2007 7:34 PM | Link to this
BUM TOSSING CONTESTS
I live in Lilburn and plan to start promoting Bum Tossing Contests in our local eateries.
Toss these political bums out of office. Volunteer Bums eat Free. I’ve already pinched the city councils photographs off their web site and plan to have Halloween like masks prepared for the volunteer bums to wear during flight.
See who can toss the political bum the farthest. $5 per toss with a Free Beer and one practice toss.
I’m predicting national headlines with appropriate humiliation and embarrassment for our city council bums.
By catlady
March 14, 2007 7:48 PM | Link to this
This reminds me of a classic Lewis Grizzard about teaching high school kids to put on condoms using zuchini! Or one about Martian Death Flu. Or maybe both. Keep up the great work, even if half the population, and most all of Lilburn, DON”T GET IT.
By John
March 14, 2007 10:36 PM | Link to this
Oh boy. I guess the weekly poker game in my basement is off. I’m moving to Sandy Springs!!!
By Trae
March 14, 2007 10:42 PM | Link to this
Lilburn sucks, always has, always will, lol
By Clint
March 15, 2007 2:43 AM | Link to this
My friends and I are thinking of holding a poker tournament (yes, a free one) outside downtown Lilburn City Hall. It’s a form of protest and it’s one of our rights protected by the Constitution (the right to free assembly).
By ganavyvet
March 15, 2007 5:18 AM | Link to this
Singing Freebird should be a felony.
By Atlgurl
March 15, 2007 7:11 AM | Link to this
It is time that all these radical politicians get booted out of office. I did not realize that Lilburn had become a socialist country on it’s own. Instead of banning adult entertainment they should put more effort into cleaning up the town and make it a desirable place to live again.
By greghard
March 15, 2007 7:35 AM | Link to this
Remember this is GWINNETT we’re talking about. What the hell did you expect besides Fascism??
By cmra1
March 15, 2007 7:46 AM | Link to this
First they ban karaoke, next they will ban homosexual sex in bathrooms. Wait, then they would just go to the airport…..
By cmra1
March 15, 2007 7:46 AM | Link to this
First they ban karaoke, next they will ban homosexual sex in bathrooms. Wait, then they would just go to the airport…..
By Andy Migliore
March 15, 2007 7:58 AM | Link to this
This is just more small town self-righteousness, never wanting any alchol to be served this is a way for the city of Lilburn to keep out as many establishments as possible without really having the nerve to try to ban further drinking places, maybe the city officals are being guided by local Church types and their convaluted way of thinking what is right and what is wrong under the guise of religion.Wake up its the 21st century.
By Eric
March 15, 2007 8:06 AM | Link to this
Now THAT is one of the best blogs I’ve ever read here…. NICELY done!LOL!
By Paul Bryant
March 15, 2007 8:16 AM | Link to this
It should be required that the Lilburn city council meetings be held with the following rules: No smoking No food No beverages, other than water No music should be played. No celebrating No prayers or invocation Keep on adding to the list and pass it on.
By Jennie
March 15, 2007 8:29 AM | Link to this
I worked my way through graduate school in a bar that had karaoke almost every night. I carry the scars with me every day. One note from a Judds song and I’ll commit a crime!
By Jennie
March 15, 2007 8:33 AM | Link to this
Is this really an issue that should be taking up the council’s time? Is entertaining one’s self really a crime now? At my office we use the expression “There are wild elephants loose in the building and we’re busy swatting at gnats!”
By Mayor Jack Bolton
March 15, 2007 9:20 AM | Link to this
You people better hope that I don’t ever catch any of you singing along with your car radios while driving in my town. If my jail gets too crowded, we will just shoot you on the side of the road. I have to go now. Time for my medication.
By Jezebelle
March 15, 2007 9:27 AM | Link to this
This definetly made my morning ! nicely done Steve !
By Vanessa
March 15, 2007 9:36 AM | Link to this
Old people are funny………
By Vanessa
March 15, 2007 9:37 AM | Link to this
Old people are funny……… So are old cops.
By julie
March 15, 2007 9:51 AM | Link to this
Too right, Detective Rose. PS: I saw you on the TV, lookin’ good!!
By Cindy
March 15, 2007 9:59 AM | Link to this
Who is Detective Rose?
By Epoch
March 15, 2007 10:09 AM | Link to this
Ahh Gwinnett. Everybody is somebody in Snellville, but anybody is a NOBODY in Lilburn… except for the politicos of course.
Steve, you da man.
By Epoch
March 15, 2007 10:11 AM | Link to this
Ahh Gwinnett. Everybody is somebody in Snellville, but anybody is a NOBODY in Lilburn… except for the politicos of course.
Steve, you da man.
By Prof. Hill
March 15, 2007 11:07 AM | Link to this
When are the people of the city of Lilburn going to realize the problem’s not the karaoke nights in their bars: it’s the pool tables in said bars. They’re trouble you know. Trouble with a capital “T” which rhymes with “P” which stands for “Pool”.
By des
March 15, 2007 11:40 AM | Link to this
Another example of the government dictating your lives. I hate cops.
By Mike
March 15, 2007 12:06 PM | Link to this
Good to see what is really important to these people. kind of reminds me of 1930’s Nazi Germany.
By Sheila
March 15, 2007 2:14 PM | Link to this
Who could hate a cop who is this amusing and can write so well? Good grief! Detective Rose is following the time-honored tradition of satire in the manner of such disparate writers as Jonathan Swift and Tom Lehr.
By des
March 15, 2007 3:06 PM | Link to this
@sheila - you can stop kissing up now. We get it. You’re a police groupie.
By Idiot politicians
March 15, 2007 3:14 PM | Link to this
These politicians are so stupid!!! If the true reason they are doing this is to minimize the number of bars in the city, then write up a definition of what constitutes a “Bar”, something like “Alcohol sales makes up over 75% of gross revenues” and then limit the number of NEW alcohol licenses that are issued to any establishment that falls into that criteria. Once the limited has been met then no new ones can be issued.
DUH!!!! I came up with that in 1 minute. These idiots couldnt think of it in probably 3 hours and came up with the “Ban Fun” idea.
What Tards!!!
Problem solved
By fhefox
March 15, 2007 3:25 PM | Link to this
Steve, you have really outdone yourself with this one. Some of your best work to date. I was laughing so hard, that my co-workers became concerned. I had to leave the building. Much love from Greensboro, NC.
By BA
March 15, 2007 3:39 PM | Link to this
Is this why they call the south the “Bible Belt.”
I was shocked to know that this is one of three states left that do not sell alcohol on Sunday’s. Amazing.
This isn’t Russia, is it?
By SP
March 15, 2007 3:41 PM | Link to this
This may top the Styx article. Oh, I think the answer to the Fonzie question is the “Milk Can Escape”.
By Becky
March 15, 2007 4:31 PM | Link to this
Loved this blog. I too was laughing so hard that my coworkers thought I had lost it. Paul, I agree with you, that sound’s like the right thing to do..Sheila, there’s nothing wrong with saying that Steve is nice looking..If the shoe fits, wear it in every color….
By Lt. Steve
March 15, 2007 9:16 PM | Link to this
yes there’s nothing wrong with it Shelia.
By Ed C
March 16, 2007 5:02 AM | Link to this
I live in Lilburn and simply drive to the bar I want to go to and eat out in that town. I’ll vote to put these over bearing nazi types out of office next time we have the opportunity!
By don
March 16, 2007 8:57 AM | Link to this
The only thing that the Lilburn City Councel is going to accomplish is to loose the restraunts they have and have alot of empty space in lilburn, which will attract the element they dont want. What a bunch of idiot’s. Great article Steve.
By Maggie
March 16, 2007 9:25 AM | Link to this
I don’t get the purpose of the bans, but it’s ridiculous, to say the least.
By michelle
March 16, 2007 9:45 AM | Link to this
this totally made my morning. thank you for the laugh….the irony of a cop writing this is too much!
By michelle
March 16, 2007 9:47 AM | Link to this
this totally made my morning. thank you for the laugh….the irony of a cop writing this is too much!
By Sheila
March 16, 2007 12:26 PM | Link to this
I don’t know any cops. I don’t live in GA. His stunning good looks are irrelevant. I appreciate his flair for telling amusing stories. End of story.
By catlady
March 16, 2007 9:47 PM | Link to this
Frank Sinatra did “The Way You Look Tonight” in big band sound years ago. Did Elton John really do it?
By Lt. Steve
March 16, 2007 10:10 PM | Link to this
Yes he did but Sinatra did it much better. The AJC had an article in the Northside section on karaoke today. Bad timing for Lilburn but great for these types of blogs. The irony of a cop writing this is ironic isn’t it? Well some things are stupid to all of us I guess. Happy Friday world. I’m exhausted.
By patrick
March 16, 2007 11:34 PM | Link to this
well dang. I was jus sittin there…singin the..”hic” las verse of..um…oh heck….um…sompin sompin…friends in low places…and…”urppp”..they tole me that there aint no more kare…..kareeeee…..um….”belch”..singin in them bars no more. Thanks a lot lilburn…Now I gotta drive further.
By KJill
March 17, 2007 4:56 PM | Link to this
How can a man who speaks well and looks normal, dignified and distinguished on TV have so much CRAZY stuff in his head?? You’re a mess, Officer Steve!!
By catlady
March 23, 2007 9:23 PM | Link to this
When I am feeling down, I read this again!