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AJC.com > Metro > View from the cop > Archives > 2007 > March > 14
Wednesday, March 14, 2007
Fight crime: Ban karaoke
The Atlanta Journal-Constitution
What is all the yelling and screaming about? Are you people nuts? The city council in Lilburn is trying to save your life and all you can do is complain? Let me tell you something. The city father and mothers and probably close relatives of Lilburn have done extensive research backing their decision not to allow karaoke, trivia, dancing, and other things, like fun, at establishments that serve alcohol.
Do you have any idea what can happen when you get a bunch of drunk karaoke-ridden people all pumped up on karaoke? Combine that with beer? You’re just asking for problems in the neighborhood.
History shows that someone, crazy on beer and karaoke, could force entry into one’s home, and subjects the victims to “The Greatest Love of All” by Whitney Houston. They don’t stop there. Gwinnett County saw a sharp rise in drive-by ballads including “The Way You Look Tonight” by Elton John. Last year alone, three women were arrested within two square miles of the Lilburn City Hall after cops found them in possession of the same identical Karen Carpenter song “We’ve Only Just Begun.” One city official commented: “I don’t know what they were just beginning but Lord knows it couldn’t be good.”
The United States Bureau of Criminal Justice reported that in 2005 cases of illegal possession of Elvis wigs rose a staggering 32 percent. In summation, the article concluded that this single spike in Elvis activity could affect the market value of gold sunglasses and rhinestones.
Mayor Jack Bolton said Lilburn wants to attract restaurants but it wants to keep out bars that he says are masquerading as restaurants. City Council members all expressed concern that bars would lead to increased crime in Lilburn. To support their position, they brought in a drunk guy who, after only six minutes, asked for a beer and started singing “Friends in Low Places.” Before police could rush him out of the building, he asked the crowd what the capitol of Idaho was and then threw up on the floor.
If it weren;t obvious enough, let me point out that the Trivia Riots of 1987 started when Geneva Trenada, an employee at the Bastone School of Nail Art, failed to correctly answer the question: In the episode where Fonzie must perform a magic act in the place of the magician, what is the name of that trick and what materials did it require?
Geneva was injured by a member of the “Happy Days” motorcycle gang in attendance. The incensed crowd spilled into the streets and into the adjoining suburban community. Four people reported being tied up and forced to answer this question about the Brady Bunch: Why did the boys put itching powder in the girls’ sleeping bags?
As the victims screamed in fear, more questions were forced on them including: Who said, “I am a little Sunflower, sunny, brave, and true. From tiny bud to blossom, I do good deeds for you”? Witnesses used the term total chaos.
It is for our own good that local government regulates and monitors the explosive and volatile topics of karaoke and trivia. One or two songs, then a question or two and then BOOM! You got Vegas.
Many fear that clandestine pool halls and trivia contests will spring up in suburban areas. Police officials are setting up neighborhood patrols to monitor the sounds of bad singing and anyone purchasing more than one CD of KC and the Sunshine Band is required to register at city hall.
The council did amend the liquor law to allow arcade games and certain passive forms of dancing in certain establishments that serve more food that alcohol. The amendment calls dancing to allow “only movement above the waist with the exception of doing the Robot.”
The council should expect a hardy defense mounted by many lawyers with ponytails and bow ties at the next meeting. However the council, not to be outsmarted by those seeking radical forms of entertainment such as singing and asking questions, passed another ordinance late in the session declaring: “Any questions brought forth by legal counsel opposing the amendment will be considered trivia and thus not allowed.”
At the next session, the city council will address a proposed ordinance requiring a special permit to sing “Happy Birthday” by more than two people inside the city limits.
