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AJC.com > Metro > View from the cop > Archives > 2007 > February > 28 > Entry
The detective goes through airport security
The Atlanta Journal-Constitution
Vegas to Atlanta / Sunday night
We spent Sunday homeless after checking out of the hotel at 1 p.m. and having a midnight plane. I got hot on the blackjack tables the night before but cooled off Sunday on my Need-To-Kill-Time blackjack tour on the strip. Finally, about 9 p.m. we headed to the airport.
We had three hours to kill. Detective Sandy never met a slot machine she didn’t like. This trip she was doing very well so she continued on and continued doing well. I sat around looking at what appeared to be father-daughter combinations arriving from the planes.
For those of you having knee replacements, you’ll recognize this scenario. We got the airport and got into line. I told the others to go ahead of me because I knew I was going to have a relationship with the metal-detector guy.
When you have a knee full of titanium as I do, not only do you set off the metal detectors, you get to meet the TSA guy who probably just left the “Giant Probing Wand” in-service training course upstairs at the TSA break room.
I walked through the detection door and, as I knew it would, everything went off. Five TSA guys grabbed their wands, (the metal detection ones), locked arms, and formed a circle around me. The head TSA guy (he had a gold wand) pulled out the megaphone, so that everyone could hear, and ordered me to the containment area which isn’t really contained. It’s a two-piece glass window, very clean so the two-mile long line of Midnight-from-Vegas-to-Somewhere-Slightly-Buzzed passengers can get a good look at me, with no belt, no shoes, standing on my toes with my arms out to the side trying not to look like a terrorist.
“Sir, we’re getting a beep from you.”
“Thank you”
“That’s not good sir. I’ll wand you. If you’ll just stand on your left big toe and look to the left I’ll initiate the giant wand. You said your knee was artificial. Is it titanium? Titanium will set off the beeper.”
“That accounts for the beep I guess.”
“Yes sir. I’m going to check you with the giant wand. The wand is set to pick up even the little things” as he passes the wand from side to side just under my belt which I didn’t think was too funny but the above mentioned slightly buzzed passengers going everywhere from Vegas did.
I continued to set off beeps from my jeans rivets and my titanium knee. “It’s still beeping sir.”
“Yes, it’s still titanium I suppose.”
“I’m going to ask you to sit down.”
“Okay, when?” (For some reason, at the time and under those conditions, I thought that was funny. I took it, from his frown, as a sign that I wasn’t all that funny and that future non-funny antics on my part may affect my flight status.)
“Sir, I’d like you to stick your right leg out.”
I did and the giant wand passed by with no beep.
“Now put your right leg down and your left leg out.”
I did and the giant wand beeped right over my knee. I guess he took this as a clue that I was telling the truth and that I was not a terrorist—or funny.
“Now put your left leg down.”
I was fighting the urge but it just came out: “Would you like me to put both legs in, and then both legs out and then maybe shake them all about?”
“Sir, I hear that often and it is not funny. Two words: cavity search. Okay?”
I made several non-verbal gestures of acknowledgement.
We spent the rest of the night waiting on the late plane. We didn’t complain though. We were headed to Atlanta and not to Chicago. The poor folks headed to Chicago were going to spend the night at the airport, courtesy of the storms in the northeast. As the night went on and the plane updates were later and later, I got really bored.
A short time later: “Sir, we’re getting a beep from you.”
Comments
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By GAW
March 1, 2007 11:29 AM | Link to this
Last November My father and I flew to Japan. Dad has had both hips replaced. Try telling the Japanese security guy with the wand that you have a titanium hip when you don’t speak the same language. With much gesturing on everyone’s part we did figure out what was Japanese for cavity search and stood very still after that. As a side note all Airport security and Customs agents are required to have their sense of humor surgically removed.
By caveman22
March 1, 2007 11:42 AM | Link to this
As the son of Delta Airline employees and a part-time stand-up comedian I thought your comments were hilarious. You ever notice that the TSA workers are actually a closer fit to the profile of “suspicious” people than the people they are checking out. I’m 6’1” and 235 lbs., former minor league baseball player and bouncer at several clubs in Atlanta, and I have been made to go the search process so many times that now I deliberately were a pair of smelly socks and try to contain my laughter when they ask me to remove my shoes. I even tried the Jedi mind trick once ( “these aren’t the ‘droids your looking for, move along ). That was in Boston where the guy was so “good” at his job he forgot to switch on the Big Wand. Even funnier when he got finished I reached in my pocket for my nail clippers and started using them right in front of the guy and it didn’t even ring a bell with him. Maybe TSA should stand for TAKE
By Pat
March 1, 2007 11:44 AM | Link to this
Been there, done that, got the t-shirt. Both my shoulders have been replaced, and even though the hospital provides a card (useless item) saying you have metal protheses, it doesn’t count. So you go thru the full monte with the cretins of TSA, even after you tell them you will set off their machines. I now only fly when it is absolutely, absolutely necessary, due to this additional misery re metal joints, heaped on top of the misery that all travelers now go thru. I drive from VA to Atlanta now, 10-11 hours, rather than go thru the aggravation we suffer now at airports.
By caveman22
March 1, 2007 11:44 AM | Link to this
As the son of Delta Airline employees and a part-time stand-up comedian I thought your comments were hilarious. You ever notice that the TSA workers are actually a closer fit to the profile of “suspicious” people than the people they are checking out. I’m 6’1” and 235 lbs., former minor league baseball player and bouncer at several clubs in Atlanta, and I have been made to go the search process so many times that now I deliberately were a pair of smelly socks and try to contain my laughter when they ask me to remove my shoes. I even tried the Jedi mind trick once ( “these aren’t the ‘droids your looking for, move along ). That was in Boston where the guy was so “good” at his job he forgot to switch on the Big Wand. Even funnier when he got finished I reached in my pocket for my nail clippers and started using them right in front of the guy and it didn’t even ring a bell with him. Maybe TSA should stand for THEY SHOULD pay ATTENTION.
By wayne farrell
March 1, 2007 1:53 PM | Link to this
Hi Steve, this is the first time I have read your column. I was over at my son’s house (1570 Pine Creek Way in Woodstock) the other Sunday watching the Daytona 500 when some of his neighbors were talking about a recent column you had written. Being so new on the computer, my son had to direct me on how to get to your column. I really enjoyed reading todays publishings. All the neighbors there had nice things to say about your column. Just wanted you to know, you picked up a new reader. Have a great day. Wayne Farrell