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AJC.com > Metro > View from the cop > Archives > 2007 > February > 07
Wednesday, February 7, 2007
Guide to astronaut crime prevention
The Atlanta Journal-Constitution
Many of you have, at one time or another, said to yourself: “What would I do if I were attacked by an astronaut?”
There are several things to consider. First of all, not all astronauts are bad. Many astronauts go into space and then later go on to lead normal lives. Some are civic and government leaders who have made tremendous contributions to society, founding such programs as the Space Cadets.
Geographically, the two cities reporting astronaut-related crimes are Houston Texas and Coco Beach, Florida. There, such programs like Astronaut-Watch and Astronaut-Stoppers provide common-sense prevention to potential victims of astronaut-related crimes.
Astronauts use diapers when traveling into space. Over time they become used to diapers and unfortunately, when they return to earth, some are unable to break the habit. It is not uncommon for astronauts to use diapers recreationally on weekends and holiday. At first nothing seems out of the ordinary but many are eventually consumed in the eventual everyday use of diapers. The most common clue that an astronaut is strung out on diapers is that they never go to the bathroom, either at home or in public areas such as restaurants or parking lots of bars.
Remember these common-sense tips:
• Not everyone is an astronaut. Most astronauts wear big giant helmets with glass fronts. Often they wear silver shiny outfits with a lot of wires and stuff.
• Another distinct identifiable trait of an astronaut is their slow but focused walk coupled with the ability to bounce very high but slowly into the air.
• If you are approached by an astronaut in a parking lot of a public area, first smell the air. If you detect an odor of ammonia, you may be in danger of an astronaut wearing diapers.
• Put as much distance between you and the astronaut as possible, all the while reaching for your pepper spray or calling 911 on your cell phone. Remember to run first. Astronauts are very slow and bounce high into the air….slowly.
• If you see and/or smell what you think is a diaper-wearing astronaut, back off. Remember you can outrun most astronauts. Call the police.
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