AJC.com > Metro > View from the cop > Archives > 2007 > February > 07 > Entry
Guide to astronaut crime prevention
The Atlanta Journal-Constitution
Many of you have, at one time or another, said to yourself: “What would I do if I were attacked by an astronaut?”
There are several things to consider. First of all, not all astronauts are bad. Many astronauts go into space and then later go on to lead normal lives. Some are civic and government leaders who have made tremendous contributions to society, founding such programs as the Space Cadets.
Geographically, the two cities reporting astronaut-related crimes are Houston Texas and Coco Beach, Florida. There, such programs like Astronaut-Watch and Astronaut-Stoppers provide common-sense prevention to potential victims of astronaut-related crimes.
Astronauts use diapers when traveling into space. Over time they become used to diapers and unfortunately, when they return to earth, some are unable to break the habit. It is not uncommon for astronauts to use diapers recreationally on weekends and holiday. At first nothing seems out of the ordinary but many are eventually consumed in the eventual everyday use of diapers. The most common clue that an astronaut is strung out on diapers is that they never go to the bathroom, either at home or in public areas such as restaurants or parking lots of bars.
Remember these common-sense tips:
• Not everyone is an astronaut. Most astronauts wear big giant helmets with glass fronts. Often they wear silver shiny outfits with a lot of wires and stuff.
• Another distinct identifiable trait of an astronaut is their slow but focused walk coupled with the ability to bounce very high but slowly into the air.
• If you are approached by an astronaut in a parking lot of a public area, first smell the air. If you detect an odor of ammonia, you may be in danger of an astronaut wearing diapers.
• Put as much distance between you and the astronaut as possible, all the while reaching for your pepper spray or calling 911 on your cell phone. Remember to run first. Astronauts are very slow and bounce high into the air….slowly.
• If you see and/or smell what you think is a diaper-wearing astronaut, back off. Remember you can outrun most astronauts. Call the police.
MOST POPULAR STORIES
Comments
Commenting is now closed for this entry.
By RUChinaDoll
February 7, 2007 10:05 AM | Link to this
Best article ever!
By chuck
February 7, 2007 10:23 AM | Link to this
hilarious, steve. keep up the good work.i read your column everyday. awesome.
By Jeffrey
February 7, 2007 10:49 AM | Link to this
I always get great tips from Steve’s articles. However I’m curious how is the pepper spray going to help if the astronaut has the glass front down. I do agree with the running and will do this next time approached by an astronaut. I don’t want to relive what happened in 2005.
By kt
February 7, 2007 12:00 PM | Link to this
Funny!
By ACT
February 7, 2007 1:10 PM | Link to this
This is the funniest thing i’ve read in a long time - great job!!!
By rebecca
February 9, 2007 12:53 AM | Link to this
I usually love your stuff, Steve, but this one was pretty lame. I still love you, though.
By Archie
February 9, 2007 8:26 AM | Link to this
How puerile can you get!?
By Natalie*
February 9, 2007 9:13 AM | Link to this
Four words…hi la ri ous! Just when I think you have hit the bottom of your well of funny, you dig deeper!
By leslie rimo
February 9, 2007 2:37 PM | Link to this
too bad it isnt cool for all of us to wear diapers 24/7,it would save me ALOT of time!
By Tim
February 9, 2007 2:40 PM | Link to this
This is the best thing to happen to me in a long time. It goes to show that no matter how bad life gets, someone “out there” has it worse. It reminds me of my ex-wife “out of this world and full of doo-doo”. Great colum, keep up the good work!!!
By ron
February 10, 2007 7:05 AM | Link to this
Add female astronauts to list of things to worry about.By Ann
February 10, 2007 7:44 AM | Link to this
That was LOL funny! Of course, with the “heavy material” provided, who could go wrong?! Thanks for helping us start the day with a smile - and a dry diaper. ;-)
By Amy
February 10, 2007 9:24 AM | Link to this
LOVE IT! Keep ‘em coming, Det. Rose!
By OhMyGoddess
February 10, 2007 2:28 PM | Link to this
This is absolutely hilarious! It really puts a light on how really ridiculous this whole story is. Everyone wants to focus on “astronaut-on-astronaut” crime and it’s impact on the world. But this is just nothing more than a bunch of cheating professionals and one very sick woman who needs to be put UNDER the jail. Her attorney can try to spin this any way he wants, but no one drives 1000 miles wearing a diaper with a mallet and pepper spray just to try out for “American Idol”! But, as a white woman, she will probably get probation, while a minority would be considered a “menace to society” and incarcerated for at least 20 years. I plan to stay away from ALL people in helmets and jumpsuits - I guess no more “Talledega Nights” for me!
By Heard it here first
February 10, 2007 5:31 PM | Link to this
HAHAHAHAHAHA!!! excellent post!
By The Sad Truth
February 10, 2007 11:50 PM | Link to this
THAT was funny!! You gave me a smile and I appreciate it. Keep up the great work!!
By Big Daddy
February 11, 2007 7:47 AM | Link to this
Where can I get these diapers ?????? haaaaaaa
By wow
February 12, 2007 9:43 AM | Link to this
Lame Lame Lame, you beat a dead horse today steve!
By chris h
February 12, 2007 11:57 AM | Link to this
lol… very funny steve., I always read your articles and share with my office thanks for the laugh