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AJC.com > Metro > View from the cop > Archives > 2006 > December > 27
Wednesday, December 27, 2006
New Year’s advice
The Atlanta Journal-Constitution
Believe it or not, New Year’s is not the busiest night in the police world. St. Paddy’s day is normally busier. None the less, some good advice:
Have a contingency plan in place. Someone needs to be the Designated Driver. Make this decision before you start drinking. Otherwise it becomes the LDD or Less Drunk Driver.
Arrange alternative transportation. Rent a limo or taxi or converted school bus decked out in the theme of whatever. You’ll enjoy it more if you don’t have to worry about driving. Don’t look for any “Officer-Friendly” stuff on New Year’s. It’s hardball and there are no breaks being given on alcoholic-related traffic incidents. You’ve had a whole year to plan something. Cab drivers will be out in force. Some clubs sponsor rides with cab companies. DUI lawyers will be out in force putting business cards on cars in the club parking lots.
I love the term “Drink Responsibly.” I think this means have only one drink. The more you drink the less responsible it is isn’t it? You know that pretty girl with the cowboy hat and gun belt with the shooter-bottle in it? Just say no.
Sip it-don’t shoot it. Another thing: if you can’t dance sober, you can’t dance drunk. They’re not laughing with you. They’re laughing at you.
You’ve got a better chance of winning the lotto than a stripper falling in love with you at the club.
No matter how bad you are, there is always someone out there that can kick you ass in a heartbeat. Don’t bow up too quick. That’s the liquor talking.
Remember that the more you drink, the more childish you become. We all start out as adults at the beginning of the night. Here is how the scale breaks down:
1-2 drinks: As the night progresses, most people are within the accepted limits of conversation over adult beverages. This is the part where you could actually say they were drinking responsibly. They engage in moderate conversation; mostly true. Stories tend to be about work, family, friends and business goals. It is pleasant—but it’s early. Here is a projection of how the thought process will diminish as the drinks pile on:
3-4 drinks : “I wonder if my wife will mind me discussing my raging libido? I wonder if she knows about it? I think being here with our friends is a good time to discuss our personal differences.”
5-6 drinks: “Let’s do a shooter. We’re going to party all night long because I feel really good. I wonder if my wife would mind me dirty-dancing with our neighbor?”
5-6 drinks and 2 shooters: “I didn’t realize I could dance this good. Why isn’t there anyone else on the dance floor? No harm in doing a couple of more shooters.”
5-6 drinks and 4 shooters: “I have an overwhelming sense that all women are attracted to me and would like me to touch them without their, or their husband’s permission. There has to be another club more exciting than this one and driving there is a great idea.”
7-8 drinks and 5 shooters: “Ah, the cool ceramic edge of the toilet seat feels good on my forehead. I think I pooped in my pants.”
Be careful you knuckleheads, and have a Happy New Year.
