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AJC.com > Metro > View from the cop > Archives > 2006 > December > 14 > Entry
Merry Fruitcake, you nuts
The Atlanta Journal-Constitution
As the Christmas Holidays close in on us, we carry on the age-old traditions of our relatives. Among those traditions are scaring the hell out of the small kids with second-rate Santa outfits that make Uncle Jeffrey look more like Nunda the Ax Murderer than St. Nick.
The money we spend on this holiday is obscene. Every year I vow to stop the madness, set an example, and refuse to accept anything materialistic—until I see the cool stuff I want. What was I thinking?
I like to listen to Christmas music in the car, on the way to and from work. Where else can you get Burl Ives, Kenny G., and Michael Bolton in the same set? Sad but true, maybe. But it’s Christmas! Nothing is supposed to make sense from now until the credit card bill arrives in January. Live it up now and let’s do some Kenny G!!
No Christmas Holiday season is complete without “A Christmas Story” marathon and fruit cake. I can handle watching Ralphie try, over and over, to convince his parents and Santa that the Red Ryder BB gun is the perfect gift, but I’m getting tired of pretending that a 42- pound fruitcake is anything that I would remotely have any appetite for. What is it and how did it get here?
Fruitcakes can be traced back to the Middle Ages. The name is from the Latin term “Fructus” combined with the French word Frui or Frug. Initially the name was Spartacus but Kirk Douglas had a copyright on it.
The Romans.reportedly used them to sustain themselves over long periods of time, however, I believe more than likely they used them for weapons. Here is an actual paragraph taken from the history books describing the Roman army: “A key moment in Roman history was the introduction of the census (the counting of the people) under Servius Tullius. With this the citizens were graded into five classes, from these classes were in varying degrees recruited the ranks of the army. The most wealthy, the first class, were the most heavily armed, equipped like the Greek hoplite warrior with helmet, round shield, greaves and breastplate, all of bronze, and carrying a spear, a sword, and a big ol’ fructus.”
In the early 1400’s the British discovered fruitcakes. The Lambert Family, England 1400: ➢ My husband’s ancestor Thomas Lyman, born in Navistoke, England abt. 1470
married Elizabeth Lambert born in High Ongar in 1474. Elizabeths father was Henry Lambert and HIS father was Robert, son of Keith Richards and Johanna Umfreville, daughter of Thomas DeUmfreville. Richards was a real fruitcake. Loved to climb palm trees on holiday.
The British fell in love with fruitcakes after they began to receive dried fruits from the Mediterranean. (Sadly, the ships bringing modern dental care techniques were sunk during a storm.)
The fact is that fruitcakes have been around for so long we accept it as part of the holiday tradition and the part where you actually eat it has long since become insignificant. But, in case you’re interested….
You and Your Fruitcake—a Holiday Recipe.
My friend J.W. Whitlock (Before the operation. Now we call him Lana) always had a get together during the Christmas holiday. Part of that get together involved his famous recipe for fresh fruitcake. The other part involved liquor and lawn darts. Lets concentrate on the fruitcake. What significance does this have? A lot. Spme folks enhance the holidays with a bit of drink. That’s fine as long as you are not driving or operating heavy machinery. Light machinery—no problem.
Here is a recipe for J.W. Whitlock’s Fresh Fruitcake. Feel free to try it this ChristmasL The symbol (*) indicates you can add one ounce of grain alcohol in addition to the listed ingredient.
FRESH FRUITCAKE 2 medium oranges * 3 medium cooking apples * 2 ripe medium sized bananas * 2 large eggs * 1 1/2 cups of sugar * 1/4 pound of butter, softened * 3 cups of all purpose flour * 1 tablespoon of baking powder * 2 teaspoons of baking soda * 3/4 cup of golden raisins * 3/4 cup of finely chopped walnuts *
Cut each orange, including the rind, into 8 sections. Remove and discard seeds and any brown unidentifiable spots. Add one ounce of Crown Royal to glass and drink. Chop orange finely, or so very finely, in a food processor, blender, grinder, or rented concrete mixer.
Set aside in a 2 quart bowl. Pour another ounce of Crown. Repeat chopping with cored and cut apples, peeled if desired. Check fingers. If more than seven fingers still attached, continue. If in-laws are dining with you, leave the peels on. Combine apples with oranges but never compare them. Peel bananas, puree or mash and mix with other fruits. Leave banana peels on floor near in-laws. Finish first drink and pour another.
Beat eggs in a large mixer bowl. Add sugar and tequila shots gradually, beating until mixture is thick and smooth, or when you go “Whoooweeeee!” Beat in butter and whatever else you find on the shelf. Add fruits and a couple of Milk Duds.
In a 1 quart container, stir or shake— not you, the flour with baking powder and baking soda. Beat flour mixture into fruit mixture. More tequila. Stir in raisins, walnuts, lighter fluid, and WD-40. Nut pieces should be small enough not to interfere with slicing, subsequent vomiting, or quarters game in progress.
Turn batter into 2 (9 x 5 x 3 inch or if in Ball Ground, Ga., the big dog dish) loaf pans that have been greased and floured. Bake at 350ºF. for 1 hour or until Uncle Winslow moons the cops when they show up on the noise complaint, or until cake tests done.
Let cool on rack before slicing. The cake, not Uncle Winslow. Serve plain or topped with a glaze of confectioners’ sugar and orange juice.
Makes 2 loaves; 10 to 12 servings each. After eating, wait 30 minutes before operating heavy machinery. Look how pretty all the girls are!
This is normally followed by the annual drunk-guys football game. No score. 15 pass attempts, no completions, 4 injuries involving pine trees.
In the words of my wife’s guru of Parrott-land: “Have a very fruitful day.”
Obligatory Disclaimer Now obviously I’m (mostly) kidding because I don’t condone any irresponsible behavior involving alcohol or pot although both produce some funny humans. Drink responsibly (oxymoron) and keep your silliness out of the car! Otherwise, enjoy.
Comments
Commenting is now closed for this entry.
By Sandra Vaughn
December 14, 2006 11:04 AM | Link to this
Classic Steve Rose!!! LOVED IT!!! I’m gonna try the recipe and see if I can get my in-laws to eat it-maybe there is something I can get on them for the future! Keep up the good work.
By Beanie
December 14, 2006 1:01 PM | Link to this
The key to fruitcake is the whiskey or bourbon soak. Everytime I get one, I soak the thing in whiskey or bourbon even if it comes pre-soaked. After a few bites of whiskey or bourbon, you’ll absolutely love fruitcake. I get excited everytime someone gives me a fruitcake.
By daisy
December 14, 2006 3:55 PM | Link to this
I just love fruitcake even though not many in my family do. I soak it in apricot or peach brandy, wrap it up in cheese cloth and let it “steep.” Yum, yum
By Mark in Atlanta
December 14, 2006 4:13 PM | Link to this
funny funny funny! When you write these, I am usually rolling out of my chair at work by the time I am finished.
By Linda Jones
December 14, 2006 6:24 PM | Link to this
I am a receptionist and I read this at work. It was very difficult to answer the phone because I was laughing so hard! I grew up way back when the family made fruitcakes around Thanksgiving and wrapped them in wine-soaked cheese cloth (no cheese in that cloth, by the way). Then they were put in an airtight container and left until Christmas. They were very good back then.
I love your columns.
By Elaine
December 14, 2006 10:52 PM | Link to this
My grandmother, who did not have any dementia when she died at age 97, received a homemade fruitcake every year from a cousin in Virginia. Cutting and serving the baked horror was a special event at my grandmother’s house…..we all got small slivers and had to exclaim how wonderful the cousin’s fruitcake was. Then the cake went under my grandmother’s bed, not to be seen again until the next Thanksgiving, when my poor mother would throw it out to make room for the new one. Every year we all have a good laugh about the special fruitcake.
By Political Foreskin
December 15, 2006 8:58 AM | Link to this
You are suspended without pay for that blog, officer steve. How many times are you going to blog about fruitcake? I’ll bet you mention fruitcake when you read a suspect his rights!
“You have the right to some fruitcake. If you take the fruitcake my mother-in-law gave me, I’ll drop all charges and let you go. You have the right to give your attorney my fruitcake. The Bailbondsman will take my fruitcake in lieu of cash. If you give up the right to fruitcake, then the fruitcake can and will be used against you in a bakery of law.”
Go soak the fruitcake (and your head) in some brandy sir.
BTW: Your open was amazing. I couldn’t believe what I was reading, and I was completely entertained. But when I realized the article was about fruitcake, well, you’ll never make detective as long as I’m chief.
You had the start of a great blog. Keep it and take out all the fruitcake ref’s and start over. Blog about christmas, not fruitcake. What does christmas mean to a cop? How does christmas affect the way you treat a suspect? How about the irony of violent crime and peace to men of goodwill? There’s so much to blog about. So many places to go.
And you chose fruitcake. How dare you. HOW DARE YOU????
By Jezebelle
December 15, 2006 9:23 AM | Link to this
Too funny ! Will defintetly try the recipe and watch as my in laws eat the cake…with glee !!
Awesome post as always !
By fed-up
December 15, 2006 11:19 AM | Link to this
GEE-WHIZ YOU’RE A GENIUS.!!!! You just solved all the worlds problems.declare war on booze laden fruit-cakes!you don’t have to hire any extra cops for this.Instead of santa leaving gifts, let him leave no mattress un-turned.(OPERATION FRUIT-CAKE CONFISCATION),OFCC. THERE WILL BE PEACE ON EARTH AND MONEY IN OUR POCKETS.All on the side of humor.thanks for a good laugh,the recipe.and i’ll have mine with buttermilk, please.
By Frank
December 15, 2006 7:13 PM | Link to this
You are wrong the fruit cake goes back to the Egyptians. Anthony and Cleopatra tried using it as a weapn against Agustus’s ship but the crew members kept dropping them and they eventually sank the Egyptian ships. Too many holes in the hulls from the dropped fruitcakes
By Steve Rose Fan
December 15, 2006 9:53 PM | Link to this
Lt. Rose you are just hilarious. I love reading your comments every week.
By KJill
December 15, 2006 10:47 PM | Link to this
Merry Christmas to all, and to all - do NOT attempt to make Officer Steve’s fruit cake at home, unless you’re planning to use it as a home made air freshner or door stop or a cushion to catch you when you fall after all that drinking while making the cake …
By Political Foreskin
December 16, 2006 8:30 AM | Link to this
and I said I dont be expectin’ to be respectin’ no blog what dont lives by the no-fruitcake code: no mention of no fruitcakes no where no how no way never never hardly ever.
it’s the same hacked gag over and over all over the country for the last 200 years. We get it. Fruitcakes are a newly discovered element with a molecular structure similar to titanium and just as radioactive. Madam Curie died of fruitcake poisoning, not radiation poisoning. Einstein first realized the a-bomb after his wife experimented with a fruitcake in a microwave. WE GET THE BIT!!!!
We get the bit. If I read one more fruitcake blog, then the I will open a Victoria Secrets for Men websight and start selling crotchless jock straps with velcro snaps. Trust me, it will ruin x-mas for all of you. (and ruin sex too). It’s up to you. I personally dont care which way it goes anymore.
ixnay on the ruitcakefay