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AJC.com > Metro > View from the cop > Archives > 2006 > December > 14
Thursday, December 14, 2006
Merry Fruitcake, you nuts
The Atlanta Journal-Constitution
As the Christmas Holidays close in on us, we carry on the age-old traditions of our relatives. Among those traditions are scaring the hell out of the small kids with second-rate Santa outfits that make Uncle Jeffrey look more like Nunda the Ax Murderer than St. Nick.
The money we spend on this holiday is obscene. Every year I vow to stop the madness, set an example, and refuse to accept anything materialistic—until I see the cool stuff I want. What was I thinking?
I like to listen to Christmas music in the car, on the way to and from work. Where else can you get Burl Ives, Kenny G., and Michael Bolton in the same set? Sad but true, maybe. But it’s Christmas! Nothing is supposed to make sense from now until the credit card bill arrives in January. Live it up now and let’s do some Kenny G!!
No Christmas Holiday season is complete without “A Christmas Story” marathon and fruit cake. I can handle watching Ralphie try, over and over, to convince his parents and Santa that the Red Ryder BB gun is the perfect gift, but I’m getting tired of pretending that a 42- pound fruitcake is anything that I would remotely have any appetite for. What is it and how did it get here?
Fruitcakes can be traced back to the Middle Ages. The name is from the Latin term “Fructus” combined with the French word Frui or Frug. Initially the name was Spartacus but Kirk Douglas had a copyright on it.
The Romans.reportedly used them to sustain themselves over long periods of time, however, I believe more than likely they used them for weapons. Here is an actual paragraph taken from the history books describing the Roman army: “A key moment in Roman history was the introduction of the census (the counting of the people) under Servius Tullius. With this the citizens were graded into five classes, from these classes were in varying degrees recruited the ranks of the army. The most wealthy, the first class, were the most heavily armed, equipped like the Greek hoplite warrior with helmet, round shield, greaves and breastplate, all of bronze, and carrying a spear, a sword, and a big ol’ fructus.”
In the early 1400’s the British discovered fruitcakes. The Lambert Family, England 1400: ➢ My husband’s ancestor Thomas Lyman, born in Navistoke, England abt. 1470
married Elizabeth Lambert born in High Ongar in 1474. Elizabeths father was Henry Lambert and HIS father was Robert, son of Keith Richards and Johanna Umfreville, daughter of Thomas DeUmfreville. Richards was a real fruitcake. Loved to climb palm trees on holiday.
The British fell in love with fruitcakes after they began to receive dried fruits from the Mediterranean. (Sadly, the ships bringing modern dental care techniques were sunk during a storm.)
The fact is that fruitcakes have been around for so long we accept it as part of the holiday tradition and the part where you actually eat it has long since become insignificant. But, in case you’re interested….
You and Your Fruitcake—a Holiday Recipe.
My friend J.W. Whitlock (Before the operation. Now we call him Lana) always had a get together during the Christmas holiday. Part of that get together involved his famous recipe for fresh fruitcake. The other part involved liquor and lawn darts. Lets concentrate on the fruitcake. What significance does this have? A lot. Spme folks enhance the holidays with a bit of drink. That’s fine as long as you are not driving or operating heavy machinery. Light machinery—no problem.
Here is a recipe for J.W. Whitlock’s Fresh Fruitcake. Feel free to try it this ChristmasL The symbol (*) indicates you can add one ounce of grain alcohol in addition to the listed ingredient.
FRESH FRUITCAKE 2 medium oranges * 3 medium cooking apples * 2 ripe medium sized bananas * 2 large eggs * 1 1/2 cups of sugar * 1/4 pound of butter, softened * 3 cups of all purpose flour * 1 tablespoon of baking powder * 2 teaspoons of baking soda * 3/4 cup of golden raisins * 3/4 cup of finely chopped walnuts *
Cut each orange, including the rind, into 8 sections. Remove and discard seeds and any brown unidentifiable spots. Add one ounce of Crown Royal to glass and drink. Chop orange finely, or so very finely, in a food processor, blender, grinder, or rented concrete mixer.
Set aside in a 2 quart bowl. Pour another ounce of Crown. Repeat chopping with cored and cut apples, peeled if desired. Check fingers. If more than seven fingers still attached, continue. If in-laws are dining with you, leave the peels on. Combine apples with oranges but never compare them. Peel bananas, puree or mash and mix with other fruits. Leave banana peels on floor near in-laws. Finish first drink and pour another.
Beat eggs in a large mixer bowl. Add sugar and tequila shots gradually, beating until mixture is thick and smooth, or when you go “Whoooweeeee!” Beat in butter and whatever else you find on the shelf. Add fruits and a couple of Milk Duds.
In a 1 quart container, stir or shake— not you, the flour with baking powder and baking soda. Beat flour mixture into fruit mixture. More tequila. Stir in raisins, walnuts, lighter fluid, and WD-40. Nut pieces should be small enough not to interfere with slicing, subsequent vomiting, or quarters game in progress.
Turn batter into 2 (9 x 5 x 3 inch or if in Ball Ground, Ga., the big dog dish) loaf pans that have been greased and floured. Bake at 350ºF. for 1 hour or until Uncle Winslow moons the cops when they show up on the noise complaint, or until cake tests done.
Let cool on rack before slicing. The cake, not Uncle Winslow. Serve plain or topped with a glaze of confectioners’ sugar and orange juice.
Makes 2 loaves; 10 to 12 servings each. After eating, wait 30 minutes before operating heavy machinery. Look how pretty all the girls are!
This is normally followed by the annual drunk-guys football game. No score. 15 pass attempts, no completions, 4 injuries involving pine trees.
In the words of my wife’s guru of Parrott-land: “Have a very fruitful day.”
Obligatory Disclaimer Now obviously I’m (mostly) kidding because I don’t condone any irresponsible behavior involving alcohol or pot although both produce some funny humans. Drink responsibly (oxymoron) and keep your silliness out of the car! Otherwise, enjoy.
