View from the cop: Crime & punishment
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AJC.com > Metro > View from the cop > Archives > 2006 > October > 06
Friday, October 6, 2006
Harry Potter and the Goblet of Fabio
The Atlanta Journal-Constitution
Harry Potter threatens to destroy the free world by turning our kids into witches or warlocks and sometimes even circus carneys. Even as we speak, Harry Potter sits in some dimly-lit sub-basement of an old and very inconspicuous row-house, in front of his super-computer, all lit up with rapid blinking lights indicating the level of evilness that it contains, sending the secret signals to our kids such as “I command you not to clean your rooms� and “Leave your half-drunk cans of Mountain Dew lying around—and don’t forget to whine about silly things.�
The end is near.
Harry Potter is a young man whose parents were killed in a car accident when he was a baby. He was raised by Uncle Vernon and Aunt Petunia, who, as many of you know, ran a flea market booth, near Hawkinsville, selling discounted steering wheel covers and those little bullhorns that digitally play “Dixie.� Later Harry was recruited into the prestigious Hogwarts School of Witchcraft, via e-mails from Headmaster Mark Foley.
Apparently Harry’s dad was a wizard and his mother a witch. Wizards are like taking magicians and Liberace and mixing them up. Witches, as you know, are the root of all evil. They alone are responsible for the increase in gas prices this summer. All of this comes together to create a real fear that our kids will soon join the dark side and begin a life of ritualistic crimes such as saying “what?� and taking bad aim on the toilet.
Recently I conducted a poll outside the Waffle House in Franklin, N.C. The question was: “Have any of your children or alleged children pending court disposition been affected by witches?�
Here are the results. I talked to one family who was pretty sure their kids were just spoiled and one who said that witches were responsible for their kid’s unusual looks. He pointed out that his kid’s ears didn’t line up as well as other symptoms such as the third hand growing from his son’s head. I don’ tthink witches did that to him but I do think the family tree needs fixing.
I don’t think that Harry Potter influences us any more than Ozzie Osborne or Mister Roboto. (Although someone wrote “Domo arigato, Mr. Roboto� on the stop sign in front of my home.) I do fear Dan Fogelberg, however.
We are barking up the wrong broomstick America! We don’t need to fear Harry Potter. We need to focus on who we know to be at the heart of evil in this country: Fabio.
Fabio created an unfair playing field for all men married to women who read those romance novels. Ladies! Stop it! Throw those silly books down! First of all, you can read seven of them in a day. Quit eating Bon-Bons and get up! Fabio doesn’t do all that stuff. If all I had to do is ride in on a horse and pose for some young beautiful woman—well actually that would be cool, but come on, even Fabio would wear thin sitting on his butt watching football while the yard grass needs cutting.
I know, I know, Fabio would look just fine on a hot summer day doing yard work and all that but six months later he would be out of shape, loudly burping in front of your parents or saying: “Puel my feengur.�
Fabio doesn’t have tools. He can’t put new outlets in. Fabio can’t fix the faucet leak. Fabio doesn’t have a favorite NASCAR driver. Fabio doesn’t know how to set up a tree stand. (I don’t either but it ain’t about me.) Fabio doesn’t have a torque wrench or a pair of bowling shoes and here’s the worst part—Fabio will spend more time on his hair than you will on yours. He is evil.
