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AJC.com > Metro > View from the cop > Archives > 2006 > September > 27 > Entry
A brief history of nerds
The Atlanta Journal-Constitution
We’re all looking for change sooner or later. Change is good most of the time. We all need change. Change is necessary for our world to continue to progress. If we didn’t have change we’d still have disco.
Some things, however, hang on year after year. Among those are nerds. Nerds have played an important role in the evolution of technology. Without nerds I’d be writing this with pencil on paper. Bill Gates was a nerd. He still might be. I don’t know. I don’t think anyone really cares once your name is preceded by “World’s Richest Man.�
We need nerds to fulfill their roll in the food chain of life.
Many years ago when the earth first cooled and the Stones were on their first “Farewell Tour,� man crawled from the ocean, carefully learning to walk and scratch himself at the same time: Hence the first evidence of multitasking.
Anyway, soon man began to inhabit dry land. He began to seek out answers to his immediate needs such as ESPN and a mate. History doesn’t record which one came first.
In those prehistoric days, men and women didn’t look like they do now, at least not in most cases. Sometimes it was hard to tell the difference. Men’s brains had not yet fully formed. Part of the problem was nature’s mistake of originally putting the brain below the beltline. It is believed that several million men suffered from this misplaced location of the brain. They would eventually be called Clintonites.
These men were confused about the feelings they felt when they were in the company of women. Part of that confusion was the fact their libidos were still in the development stage not to mention that most women looked like Ringo Starr.
Soon man began to show tendencies of other interest in areas such as building and hunting. Other men showed interest in drawing objects in the sand to show others, who built, how to connect things such as rocks and sticks and dinosaur poop. Those who hunted didn’t develop quite as quickly but maintained an impressive collection of deer heads in their caves.
Scientists theorize that nerds first left evidence of their existence around 900,000 B.C. Several caves showed crude etchings of men with poor eyesight and furry pocket-protectors. They were later known as Nerdanderthals.
Today we know that nerds did in fact exist. Now we not only accept them but embrace their nerdisms. Once thought to only inhabit the scientific community, nerds are now found in mainstream America. We know this because now we have police nerds.
Police nerds, otherwise known as Police Goobers are just like regular nerds only they shoot better. They have increased in population over the past twenty years. I’m sure there’s a direct collation as to when college was required for police applicants and the first evidence of police goobers.
Police Goobers are harder to detect since most of them wear the same uniform as non-goobers. Police goobers still maintain a traditional nerd look but more toned down. The most-obvious giveaways are the five pens in the pocket and for those orthodox goobers, the traditional black thick-framed glasses or even more so, mirrored sunglasses. Another, but more unique quality of police goobers, is the duty belt. A typical police goober will fill the duty belt with 75 to 100 items that he or she feels will be necessary during the tour of duty. Three sets of handcuffs and several different flashlights, one for day, one for night, one for weekends and holidays, etc. are not uncommon.
Goober language is more numerical than common. Normal conversation becomes tactical in nature such as instead of saying: “I’m going to work at 4 p.m.” they say: “I’ll roll out at 1600 hrs.â€? To me, the term “rolling outâ€? implies your immediate need to respond to a call or an emergency. In other words, you don’t normally “roll outâ€? to the Waffle House. My last real roll-out was in 1987. Since then I’ve eased out.
All in all, Mother Nature seems to do a good job of checks and balances. We need nerds. We should embrace them and their family of nerdlings because they provide a link in the food chain of life. Why? Laptops. When my laptop goes down, I’ll walk right past the SWAT office, straight to the Police-I.T. room, plop my laptop down on the table, look the police goober straight in the eye and say: “Make better!�
I take great comfort in the thought that the right person is doing the right job on that laptop. In the meantime I’ll catch up on my reading of ESPN Magazine while occasionally scratching myself.
Comments
Commenting is now closed for this entry.
By Blue_Kolla
September 28, 2006 9:12 AM | Link to this
http://www.bestwebatlanta.com/humor/humorduistopofchampion_dancer.shtml
By Ari
September 28, 2006 11:11 AM | Link to this
Steve, you are one of the funniest! I enjoy your columns, keep doing what you do best, fighting crime and being funny (is this being oxymoronic?)Ha
By Eldrick Walker
September 28, 2006 4:35 PM | Link to this
Steve were you drinking when you wrote this column.if so please stop, and go back to writing sober please.
By Thigh Slapping
September 28, 2006 4:59 PM | Link to this
One of your best yet! Keep em coming!
By Been There
September 28, 2006 7:01 PM | Link to this
it’s role, not roll.
By huh?
September 28, 2006 9:20 PM | Link to this
did you mean correlation? and role in stead of role
By Holly Smith
September 29, 2006 10:58 AM | Link to this
Steve, thank you for your usual brand of slightly off-kilter humor. Folks are looking at me strangely since I broke out in laughter from reading your latest column at my desk. My husband is going to LOVE your Clintonites remark…So TRUE! Keep up the great work! We nerds salute you!
By Cheerios
September 30, 2006 10:03 AM | Link to this
I liked it. If you dont bomb once in a while, then you’re not doing your job. I liked the pace of the open. Short jab sentences, all advancing the set up. That’s very effective.
However, you then devolved into long meandering clauses that betrayed the promise you made in the opening. It’s a common trap that is easily avoided by deleting everything you write in the first three drafts.
It’s so important to stay fresh. Trust yourself. You’re a writer, sir. You aren’t going to lose a pulitzer prize worthy sentence just because it was included in your first few drafts you flushed. Trust yourself. You will form the language better each time you approach the topic. Trust.
I’m just methin’ wid ja. It was great. You can write, sir!
Nerds were the only kids who would talk to me. They liked me. I didn’t understand why.
Later, when I minored in psyche, I found out we only like people to whom we feel superior. I was the kid with whom the kinder nerds felt they could slum. True story.
The cool kids avoided me like the plague. The average kids made fun of me. The nerds tolerated me. I think it was those balogna sandwiches my mom made for my lunch at 7 am. By noon they were a toxic chemical melt and it made me withdraw inward and get these headaches.
The nuns and I were always at odds too. When I graduated highschool, the doctors told me it would be safer to just leave the rulers where the nuns had put them.
I walk funny now, but I’m sure I’ve pinched out the Guiness Record loaf, measured within .2 centimeters.
Hows that for a nerd: A handy metric ruler up the wazoo. Thank you, Sister Mary Philomena.
By Bethany Kempf
October 3, 2006 2:07 PM | Link to this
hey this web site is boring