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AJC.com > Metro > View from the cop > Archives > 2006 > July > 28 > Entry
How to tell it’s time to go home
The Atlanta Journal-Constitution
All of us have heard of those who have had an awakening of sorts that told them they’re on the wrong path and need to get it right. It happened to me once when I was a bit younger. I was in some nightclub dancing away when God appeared directly in front of me and said: “Steve, stop this blasphemous behavior!�
Me: “What? I’m not doing anything wrong. I work hard and I just want to enjoy myself for a few hours. I’m a good husband and father and I love America and—“
God: “No you idiot!! Stop dancing! You have no rhythm! You look like someone who was just partially run over—no, no, a chicken! Yes!! That’s it. You look like a chicken that just had his head cut off!!
Me: Okay God, I get it.
God: “C’mon Chicken-Boy! Dance!!
Me: “Check please.�
There are little hints that come to us during the course of our lives but we often fail to realize what they’re telling us. Most of us like to enjoy things in life and hopefully as we get older we get wiser. I do know that we get more tired which is actually good because it keeps us from doing silly and stupid and sometimes painful things.
I’ve spent some nights out, riding the beat and seeing how things are going late at night in Sandy Springs and I have noticed that some of you all are drinking way too much!
Alcohol affects people in different ways but they seem to go into a cycle as the night goes on while they continue to drink. First, they’re interesting, then funny, then not funny but they think they’re funny, then loud, then belligerent, then reflective, (“I love you man.�) then they speak in tongue, then they throw up, and finally urinate on themselves.
Most of us are in bed or at least home around 11 p.m. so we don’t really see those other people; the ones who start partying about the time Letterman is on No. 3 of the Top 10 list. Most of us have been there. We went there, found out it’s a brutal ride even once in a while, and then went back to the life of daytime humans. I mean, there’s nothing wrong with dabbling in the fast lane for a while but you need to know when the ride is over.
The party career is a young person’s game. It’s like a sport. You peak at about 23 and then you begin the down slide until you finally announce your retirement. This usually comes in the form of marriage.
Here is a big hint that someone is trying to tell you that you need to make a change in your social agenda:
If your Saturday night includes urinating in your pants, you need to consider a change.
That’s right. If you’re drinking so much that your motor functions fail to warn you that you’re about to go at the same time you’re trying to order another Kamikaze you may need to cut back.
Fact: Women generally don’t date guys who have bladder issues during social events. It’s actually listed in Oprah magazine as a turn off for most women.
If your mind cannot tell you: “Excuse me but it looks like we are currently urinating in our pants� then you need to go home. That is the cure for most problems that happen in the late, late, hours. Just go home. If you’re waking up the next day smelling of cheese-whiz and urine, just go home. If you’re showing up at the Waffle House at 4 a.m. with nothing on but a Viking helmet and a pair of white cowboy boots and a parachute, you need to go on home.
Set some goals for the night.
“Desperado� by the Eagles is the official national last-call song. When that song comes on, look down. If you’ve urinated in your pants, you’re done. There is no sense in trying to fast-track any action because you are out of the race. You hit the wall and you’re just waiting on the wrecker. The night is over.
The beer companies want us to drink responsibly. The problem with that is as the night goes on, responsible takes on various different meanings.
At 10 p.m. it means “only a couple.�
At midnight it means “Only a couple of more.�
At 4 a.m. it means “Why should I take all that time to walk to the bathroom when I can just go here?�
Be safe folks and stay dry.
Comments
Commenting is now closed for this entry.
By Single Mom
July 28, 2006 4:37 PM | Link to this
Ya’ know that is real funny. I am a single mother of two small kids and I never even get a chance to go out and enjoy a night on the town. But if I did get that chance I don’t think I would want to get so drunk that I p** on myself. That is just pure nasty. I mean people SHOULD know their limit and not make a fool of themselves. But then again if they did then we wouldn’t have anything to talk about on our way home from the club. Back when I was a teenager I was the driver at all times so it was real cute to sit and laugh at the dumb people that had just a couple too many.
By Single Mom
July 28, 2006 4:38 PM | Link to this
Ya’ know that is real funny. I am a single mother of two small kids and I never even get a chance to go out and enjoy a night on the town. But if I did get that chance I don’t think I would want to get so drunk that I p** on myself. That is just pure nasty. I mean people SHOULD know their limit and not make a fool of themselves. But then again if they did then we wouldn’t have anything to talk about on our way home from the club. Back when I was a teenager I was the driver at all times so it was real cute to sit and laugh at the dumb people that had just a couple too many.
By D
July 28, 2006 5:36 PM | Link to this
Truer words were never spoken. I know all the young folks out there think this is just the crazy talk of us old folk, but most of us that are still around to talk about it learned the hard way one way or another!
By Jaty El
July 28, 2006 8:55 PM | Link to this
Sounds like the product of experience. Good advice. Before I cut my hours back to normal, daytime parameters, I ask myself a question like ” what th hell are you sitting for at 4:00am then drive (not smart) home and try to control the flow as soon as I parked. After sometimes damn near busting the fromt door I would run to the john ready to let go, but the stream had begun and I would always have one pant leg have wet. Much happier with more money and no loathsome thoughts about my hsnging out any more. Moderation is the key. You can do almost anything successfully using moderation.
By 8yr Barmaid
July 29, 2006 5:41 AM | Link to this
Good morning Steve. As always you’re rofl funny. One of my favorites is the bar patron who insists they haven’t had too much because they can stand “just fine”. Of course that’s only if they have a bar, barstool or another patron to hang on to…GO HOME ! . . Oh, and the patron who tries to sit on the stool or chair and misses? Then takes 60 seconds to get back into the upright postion? … GO HOME . . No on second thought, you’re entertainment . . Knock yourself out!
By The Way
July 29, 2006 6:53 AM | Link to this
What we have here is a total lack of respect for the bladder.
By Swangirl
July 29, 2006 10:55 AM | Link to this
Excellent as always. My favorite quote:
If your Saturday night includes urinating in your pants, you need to consider a change.
All I care to add is that if someone wants to get totally, **it-faced intoxicated, please do it at home. Please don’t do it in a bar, where you can end up getting into your car and killing someone as you try to remember where home is. That’s when your “freedom” to be an indiot endangers other innocent people.
By Joe Bob
July 29, 2006 11:25 AM | Link to this
Steve:
This sure should like personal experience. How else could you make this up.
“If you’re showing up at the Waffle House at 4 a.m. with nothing on but a Viking helmet and a pair of white cowboy boots and a parachute”
Your parents must be proud you are at home by 11:00 these days.
By Cletus Snow
July 29, 2006 1:01 PM | Link to this
Threes my limit has been for years, nothing good can happen after four, some will say yes it can, for them, I’ll say wait and see.If your out with friends and they allow you to get that bad,they aren’t looking out for you and they really aren’t friends.
By Ana
July 29, 2006 7:42 PM | Link to this
I thankfully was saved recently by a new boyfriend who lives in Dallas, GA (which is in the Middle of Nowhere, GA). I was out almost every night spending all my money on drinking and had nothing to show for at the end of the night. Now that I have someone to spend my time with I never feel the need to go out drinking like I used to. I wish more people could get to that point. I am thankful I have found a way to pre-occupy my time now. I wish it would have come sooner!
By JohnMcCraw
July 29, 2006 9:50 PM | Link to this
I remeber a couple of those nights at “Dr.Muchies”, i have forgetten the original name, but I remember trying to get myself out of the bathroom that doesn’t have a lock on it! Man, was it fun being single in those days……….
By dex
July 30, 2006 3:22 PM | Link to this
More about when its time to go home. Or rather when you should realize it is time to hang up the clubbing outfits
When you are three years older than the crew you rolled to the club with.
When you can barely make out what the lyrics are to the song that is playing.
When you look at the dance floor and have no idea what dance anybody is doing.
If you get to the club and none of the people you meet are no where near your age… which happens to be over thirty.
If you go to the store and the college age store clerk calls you sir or maam
If you have to sleep half the next day.
When you wake up and you are sickened by the smell of your clothes and your sheets since you did not shower before you fell asleep in your drunken stooper
If you are the only one that does not get carded at the door.
Finally when you make it home safe and realize you probably should not have been driving…… you need to consider the second chance you were just given and start looking for a better choice of living or at the least find more to look forward to on your off days.
By Angelina Mancuso
July 30, 2006 8:13 PM | Link to this
Det. Rose, I have to tell you how much I look forward to reading your column. Law enforcement is a very serious business but I just love your take on thigs. Keep up the great work.
Angelina Mancuso Smyrna
By kiki
July 31, 2006 3:41 AM | Link to this
Thank you! I bartend and it gets really embarassing to tell the customers that they dont have to go home but they cant stay here!
By Laura
July 31, 2006 9:35 AM | Link to this
Thanks for this post Steve. I can always use a good laugh to start a work week! The “Excuse me but it looks like we are currently urinating in our pants� line really tickled me.
By kellix
July 31, 2006 11:25 AM | Link to this
Its like they always say, Nothing ever good happens after 12 P.M. .
By SexyLeggs
July 31, 2006 11:53 AM | Link to this
I’ve emailed you a couple of times in the past….you are so so funny, but always right….LOL
By Filster
July 31, 2006 12:25 PM | Link to this
Steve-O:
You read Oprah??? Will wonders never cease.
By BA
July 31, 2006 12:54 PM | Link to this
I used to work at Buckhead Saloon. It got so bad with girls passing out that we had to check the stalls after closing each night to be sure no girls were passed out sitting on the pot. We didn’t want to lock anyone in with free alcohol.
I was the lucky one once to find one of our regulars passed out. I looked under the stall, saw legs, pants, and panties at the ankles. That’s when I screamed for one of the waitresses to come and dress our intoxicated patron then we could escort her into a cab and safely on her way home.
Makes you think twice about taking home someone you meet in a bar.
By CooSaw
August 1, 2006 12:19 AM | Link to this
Steve, as a former professional spirit taster and drunk driver. No accidents, somehow? I just can’t understand why we as a country can’t all agree to allow our vehicles to be disabled if alcohol is sensed on the driver by some electro-mechanical-optical-smell-a-thingy. I know it would cause a lot of lawyers to have to make a career change but what the hey? Just think of all the lives lost or ruined, that could have been saved. Why Not?
By the book
August 2, 2006 9:46 PM | Link to this
Stay away from Mr. Booze.
By Bill Mangum
August 3, 2006 9:37 AM | Link to this
Steve, as always very funny, and OH SO TRUE.
One way to tell you’re getting older is when you realize that it costs less and less to feel worse and worse the next day. As a friend once told me, he could be a good alcoholic once a month. It would take a month to forget how bad he felt the next day.
Bill Mangum
By danb
August 3, 2006 9:58 AM | Link to this
A great read. Wish I had seen this years ago but then Harry’s or Rockwood would have had to close down. If you’re getting **it-faced regularly either at home or at a bar you need to see the good folks at AA. When you get to the urinating in your pants stage you face three choices…(1) locked up (2) sobered up or (3) covered up.
By Lee
August 3, 2006 7:40 PM | Link to this
Funny column. Brought back a lot of memories (ok, not really memories because everyone knows about “alcohol amnesia”, where all your Buds tell you how “crazy” you were the night before but you can’t remember a dang thing.) But I do remember the morning’s after, the ugly women I woke up next to, and the frantic searches for my car.
By Gilbert Nichols
August 4, 2006 9:53 AM | Link to this
Having grown up under an alcoholic father with alcoholic siblings, there was never a time when the things they did were all that humorous. It is funny to read this article and it is funny when comedians attempt to simulate a drunk, but it is not funny when the so-called friend p** on your couch or throws up in your car is it? Anyone who goes out with someone who needs a crutch like booze to “have a good time” wastes their time and makes themselves look bad in the process.
By Della
August 5, 2006 11:28 AM | Link to this
I can’t help thinking how much more effective anti-drug use campaigns would be if some of the more humuliating consequences were emphasized. Show the guy with the big wet spot down his leg and the girl with barf in her cleavage out at a party. Get creative and disgusting.