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AJC.com > Metro > View from the cop > Archives > 2006 > April > 26 > Entry
Homeowners associations protect us against ourselves
The Atlanta Journal-Constitution
Homeowners associations are set up to keep your neighborhood up so that your property value goes up.
It’s a nice concept. It keeps people from doing things like putting hunting tree stands in the front yard during the off-season or parking that old school bus, long since retired, that was scheduled for a conversion into an RV but was bumped back on the “things to do” list after the owner realized it required a lot of work. Like buying tires and an engine.
There are all sorts of homeowners groups. There are small groups composed of a couple of dozen families with a common goal of organizing, improvements and cleanups. The first order of business is usually trying to get a pool. The second is a toss-up between a tennis court or a margarita machine for the clubhouse. (You can always play tennis somewhere else.)
Then there are the really large organizations, with a agenda to secure a seat at the U.N. or purchase a small Third World country.
When you form something that exercises authority, there are positive and negative reactions. Most everyone wants a sense of order and appearance. Although most people are nice folks, they don’t all see beauty in the same sense. The Partridge Family was just a normal family, but I doubt anyone liked the bus parked on the street.
Still, it’s not easy to satisfy everyone in the neighborhood. I think the rules are mostly fair. Our subdivision is very nice. Those who run the association do a good job, but are quick to jump on you.
The Dreaded Letter
We have a tradition of receiving letters when you are out of compliance with whatever compliance you were supposed to be within. Our landscaping guidelines book is so big I had to get the Cliff Notes from Barnes & Noble. I was shocked to find out that I had to remove the tractor tire planter from around the fake palm trees I bought in Mexico back in 1973, which, come to think of it, crosses over into the subject of tequila and why I don’t drink it anymore. Why? Well, for some reason, late one night, I thought it would be a good idea to invade Tijuana with an orange 1961 Ford Falcon, jacked up in the rear with chrome reverse wheels and no brakes. The cops finally caught up to me at a ceramic Buddha shop. The Navy secured my release after I agreed to give the police chief the car. (They let me keep the palm tree and a Buddha.)
Anyway, I have had to change my whole lifestyle to accommodate this landscaping book (“War and Peace”) that restricts you from doing things in your yard like:
— Vietnamese pot belly pig breeding
— Shin-kicking tournaments (single elimination)
— Wet T-shirt contests (This was a close vote)
— Camel wrestling
— Civil War reenactments
— Lynyrd Skynyrd concerts
— Hairy chest festival
— Various other celebratory festivals, including the Exploding Outhouse Festival and the annual Running of the Small Farm Animals.
What a rip-off.
I can’t paint my trees trunks white and apparently the 15-foot tall Viking mailbox is offensive to the mail carrier. (It’s 15 feet tall, so the only place to put the mail is in the giant zipper. It was not thought out well.)
I’m a good resident, though. I continue to comply with my other co-offenders, who have received letters for improper display of the basketball goals or who exceed the maximum number of weeds in a square foot.
We’ve all taken it with a grain of salt (approved salt, listed on page 847 of the homeowners book, volume six) and actually discussed the possibility of having an annual party for the offenders. The offender gets in the door by showing their “out of compliance” letters.
I doubt we’ll ever do it. I’m afraid things would get out of hand and first thing you know I’d be sitting in someone’s driveway with an orange 1961 Ford Falcon, a bottle of Cuervo, and my ceramic Buddha strapped in the back seat.
No, I’m older and semi-wiser. I’ll take the high road.
I like the neighborhood, and what the hell; I can always travel a bit to see Camel wrestling.
I turned the 15-foot Viking around in an attempt to appease the mail carrier but apparently it was equally offensive. I’m going to have a wrecker pull it out this weekend.
I found another mailbox at the fishing store. Largemouth bass.
What could be offensive about that?
Comments
Commenting is now closed for this entry.
By JOYCE HAIRE
April 26, 2006 2:03 PM | Link to this
Sorry, but your articles were better when you were working a beat!!
By Fluffy
April 26, 2006 2:28 PM | Link to this
You are hilarious! I loved that one. I live in an OOTP (outside the outside of the perimeter) subdivision and we don’t have a fancy homeowners associations. Some busybody lady tried to start one after we’d been there five years. No one was interested. She moved. I find it interesting that we have no problems at all in our neighborhood. Sure we have a few residents who are a tad messy but not overly so. Most keep their yards mowed and clean and don’t paint their houses purple. It’s amazing that people (in general) know how to do the right thing and do it. BTW, I’ll take the Viking mailbox off your hands. My letter carrier will surely remember which mail goes in which box if I get that! She’s not too bright.
By Nancy
April 26, 2006 2:46 PM | Link to this
What about HOA’s that don’t take care of issues that affect the entire neighborhood? Those who will not listen to suggestions of experienced volunteers and long-time homeowners. There are many HOA’s that do nothing to make sure of increasing property values and well maintained properties and lawns. That’s frustration.
By Steve Brown
April 26, 2006 3:19 PM | Link to this
Is this supposed to be funny? How about writing a helpful, sensible article about options concerning many Housing Associations that resemble the Gestapo? Sadly that’s what I thought this was going to be. I should have known better!
By DJ DANO
April 26, 2006 3:19 PM | Link to this
Steve,
Readers shouldn’t be allowed to post a comment after you’ve written a column that’s mostly humorous … not necessarily full of substance or police stuff.
Joyce (above) needs to lighten up and have some fun!
I admire your sense of humor and the ability to translate it into the written word. That’s not easy!
Keep up the good work - let the criticisms of the humorless worms bounce off you (still wearing armor?), and we’ll keep reading, laughing and learning!
By Ashley R./Democrat-4-Ever
April 26, 2006 4:03 PM | Link to this
Anyone remember that episode of the X-Files where they were investigating people disappearing out of one subdivision? It turns out that the president of the HOA had created a monster that lived in the sewer & came out to eat people when they weren’t in compliance. Kind of like a cross between Stepford Wives & Stephen King’s IT. Everything had to be perfect & if it wasn’t you got eaten by the monster.
By Just Me
April 26, 2006 6:05 PM | Link to this
Boy Steve, I can relate. We have a “voluntary” Home Owners Association, but there is a real nutcase in our neighborhood. She peeks into peoples’ home and measures the length of the grass. Then, she calls code enforcement and “tells” on people or better yet she gets others to do her dirty work. Never mind she and her husband wash their cars and water their grass on Sundays, (last I checked there was no outdoor watering on Sundays). She walks around like a rabid dog foaming at the mouth ready to pounce on anything and everything including her neighbor who is 85 years old. Life in the ‘burbs…ain’t life grand!
By Drexel Gal
April 26, 2006 6:34 PM | Link to this
Please make at least a token attempt to come into adulthood. Your writing style is comparable to that of an eighth-grader, not to mention your syntax, usage, and spelling.
By Sharon
April 26, 2006 6:49 PM | Link to this
I second Dano’s emotion. For readers who need the serious side of the topic, I will gladly lend them the HOA manual for my community. :-)
~shaz
By CrazySailor
April 26, 2006 8:32 PM | Link to this
Gawds be praised for an easy read! I worked on HHI and at Ponte Vedra for a while any you ain’t seen nothing until the town council debates the proper shade of green and brown. Both reminded me of the time I was in the navy and we got into Italian tequila. If I’d saved the skivvies I could patent those shades! The HOA’s at those places have guidelines that rival the Library of Congress. Keep up the sarcasm, copper:-)
By Mr. Disappointed
April 26, 2006 9:20 PM | Link to this
Book yourself, Dano.
Steve,
I tune into this blog to read about cops, crooks, tragedy, and crimefighting tips.
Lately, I have been sorely disappointed by your blog. It’s lost its way. Homeowner associations? The perils of email? Come on! Can you say BORING and IRRELEVANT?
Perhaps the AJC needs new blood for this blog: someone who’s actively involved in law enforcement; who is vigorous; and who still runs criminals to ground.
You still have access to the FC police blotter, right? Why can’t you write about the stories imbedded in the blotter? That would be far more interesting than your next planned blog: Pampers vs. Huggies.
By cindy dunlap
April 26, 2006 10:04 PM | Link to this
Joyce and Steve, you really should lighten up a bit. You obviously adore Lt. Steve’s writing’s or you wouldn’t have been here reading in the first place. Drexel Gal, you are so wrong. Steve’s writing style is awesome and by far, more interesting than most. Geez. 8th grader? Hmmm. I don’t think so. Not even close honey.
By luci
April 27, 2006 5:43 AM | Link to this
Always question any demands by an HOA. I’ve found that some of the NAZI demands by our HOA cannot be enforced and I’ve simply told them to go away
By atwork
April 27, 2006 7:49 AM | Link to this
You people need to lighten up. This is called View from a cop, I didn’t think it was to be all cop stuff, it’s his view of things. If you don’t like it don’t read it, move along. I for one Steve love your columns, love the humor therefore; I will continue to read it. Keep it up buddy!
By Shawn
April 27, 2006 7:53 AM | Link to this
Everyone…..
Can’t you see that Steve is telling how crazy some homeowner groups can be? I live in a neighborhood that started a HOA. I voted not to have one, but anyway… We have people on our street that watch and wait for someone to break the rules. The best rule is, Garbage cans must be removed from the street before dark the day of garbage pickup. I have gotten three warnings about this. This is the problem, I drive over 50 miles to work, I leave when its dark and I get home when its dark. I normally have them put away by 9. They want them put away by dusk. I have told them of this and all I get is, Why don’t you have someone else put them away. Crazy Huh?
Anyway, All I am saying is leave Steve alone.. He has every right to vent about these nut case HOA’s that think they know everything….
By RSC
April 27, 2006 8:54 AM | Link to this
The non-compliance letter I received from my suburban HOA takes the cake!! Evidently, I did not conform to the HOA covenant that all play equipment must be removed from view of the street when not being used. My offense as written in the letter? A jump rope was observed in the driveway. Yep, that’s right. One of my little heathens left a jump rope in the driveway overnight! Geez, do these people have a life at all?
By Jeffrey
April 27, 2006 8:55 AM | Link to this
Steve rights a better blog than most of the AJC regular staff. I just today pulled a letter out of my mailbox that talked about the “voluntary” HOA we have in our neighborhood and how one lady is running it by herself and can’t. Also how the $35 voluntary payment to keep up the front is only being paid by 1/3 of the residents. I think that is why it’s called voluntary. Please if I ever live in an HOA community I had really better clean up my act. I would get in trouble for the garbage can, it always stays out. I would also get in trouble for my lawn. Let’s just say my dog can go in the backyard and you wouldn’t be able to find her.
So I say to Steve keep up the good work. Police blog or otherwise your stories are relevant. I’m still afraid to go to the big coffee house and order an O drink.
By Jezebelle
April 27, 2006 9:04 AM | Link to this
As always, you make me LAUGH and make my day, keep up with the good work !
PS Are you going to be selling the Viking mail box ? If so, yours truly is willing buy it - the cycle of annoying the heck out of the HOA committee must not be broken !
By TJ Ruckus
April 28, 2006 8:28 AM | Link to this
Great read, as usual. I live in a unique N. DeKalb neighborhood, DeKalb Highlands, which is almost 40 years old! We have a social organization, by charter it is NOT a homeowners association enforcing codes, covenants, Rules and Restrictions.
When I share stories about our Progressive Dinner, Kids PArties, Adult Parties to friends from around the Country, they seem amazed that I know dozens of my neighbors.
And guess what, kids who grew up here move back here!!! Even without a City of Dunwoody, imagine that…
By Annie
April 28, 2006 11:50 PM | Link to this
My sisters HOA elected a new board and the first thing they did was tru to pass a no guns allowed ordiance. Too bad they hadn’t noticed the 2 home owners that were police officers in their neighborhood. You would have thought the police cars parked in their driveways would have given them a clue.
By Lisa
April 29, 2006 9:46 PM | Link to this
Your column was hilarious! My dad used to live in a neighborhood who had a rule that your garage door could only be in the up position when entering and exiting your garage. The only thing worse than some of the HOA’s around here are the condo associations in Florida. We lovingly call them the “condo commandoes”. At my dad’s condo, there was a lady who sat at the window of her condo with a pair of binoculars and watched the pool. If she saw anything she deemed “illegal” she would call the manager and insist she check on it. Some people can only be classified as “CAVE” people… Citizens against virtually everything.
By rodney
May 1, 2006 10:44 AM | Link to this
HOA’s have nothing over the MP’s. When I was a kid living on Fort Hood we got busted for having a lemonade stand. “no dependents allowed to operate a business without permission from the General”
By Laura
May 1, 2006 3:28 PM | Link to this
Okay - some of you are being way too hard on Steve & actually outright rude. If you don’t like his column anymore, don’t read it! You’ve obviously read it several times since he left his old job, so just stay away altogether if you’re such old farts about the whole thing.
By Grandma
May 3, 2006 12:13 PM | Link to this
Have someone arrest all those crabbies who don’t like your subject matter or “syntax”! I love reading your blog no matter what the subject! It’s just supposed to be funny for the most part and I think some of these folks need to switch to decaff in the morning before they read anything!
By Giovanni
May 3, 2006 3:19 PM | Link to this
lol lol How about those HOA’s that really do not have a clue! Or when you ask questions they have no answers and feel as though you are wasting thier time..
By Phyllis
May 3, 2006 3:41 PM | Link to this
How about a Styx Concert?
By Rivermonter2006
May 4, 2006 10:57 AM | Link to this
Great Article Steve! Even being on a board, it’s funny to hear complaints from homeowners about things like neighbors having unapproved things underneath the crawlspace in their backyard. Those people might want to stay out of their neighbor’s crawlspace.
By Stephen
May 4, 2006 4:47 PM | Link to this
Give him a break on the code enforcement thing… lord knows its a bugga-boo… try dealing with the local folks who think it is cool to have chickens crowing and doing their thing next to PDK airport in Chamblee.
BTW Steve hope you got what ya needed… if not you got my department e-mail…
By Arthur
May 5, 2006 12:01 AM | Link to this
Homeowner associations are EVIL. Instead of being subject to one local, state and federal government, anyone who lives in an association is subject to a government by neighbors. Woe be unto the poor devil who is not neighborly. Next thing he knows, he is being cited for having the rare weed in his yard.
These associations have proliferated without any real municipal, state or federal oversight. They are run by busybodies who spend their time watching their neighbors rather than being productive citizens; they answer to noone. If one fights a citation, the association indirectly bills you (through reserves you pay for) to fight you in court.
To say that associations are in any way good defies logic. This is America. These associations are little more than elitist, un-American clubs.