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AJC.com > Metro > View from the cop > Archives > 2006 > April > 04 > Entry
Blessing of the power tools and small gas engines
The Atlanta Journal-Constitution
People in Masaya, Nicaragua, participate in a blessing by the saint San Lazaro of their animals. The parishioners dress their animals in costumes and take them to a celebration ceremony. I don’t know how the animals react to the blessing, but unofficial sources say that there are 23% fewer poop-related incidents within the household if the dog has been blessed.
These numbers are good enough for me. I began to think about it and thought, “Why not extend this idea to an area that is near to us all?”
Power tools-small gas engines.
This is the time of year when you take your mechanical devices that have been sitting in the garage or work area and try to get them into working shape for the coming spring and summer months.
One of the things that I would love to do but for some reason, can’t find a “Learning Annex” that offers it, it a course on small engines. It’s funny how 28 years ago I was planning to rid the world of crime and now I’m just trying to get the ($#@&) yard edger cranked up.
The older I get the more motorized tools I collect so, in addition to my search for a small-engine repair course, I have decided to piggy-back the idea of the San Lazaro celebration and hold the first annual Blessing of the Yard Tools and Small Gas Engine Devices.
I needed to find someone who had the basics of mechanical knowledge as well as a vision. I contacted my friend Skeet. He had learned the basics in small-engine repair, courtesy of the state prison rehabilitation system, and he had plenty of vision although most of it can be best categorized as short-sided (he robbed a convenient store wearing a white suit and large white fedora, and then went across the street for a quart of Pabst Blue Ribbon. “In retrospect, I don’t think I dressed-down enough for the neighborhood,” he said on the way to jail.)
His vision comes from years of making Saturday afternoon runs to an old house just north of Dawsonville to pick up and partake in a little moonshine indulgence. For some reason he could drink and drive but not drink and boat. He was arrested by the DNR for trying to drive the boat up the boat ramp to his trailer. (He said the water was cold and he didn’t want to get wet.) They measured the trailer, which was some 50 feet away. Skeet said he didn’t get enough of a running start.
The final criteria he met was his jet-black pompadour hair. Skeet had always fancied himself as a dedicated Elvis fan and authority on the subject, although years of moonshine skewed his memory some. (He was confused on certain Elvis trivia; for example, his claim that Elvis was from Liverpool and Graceland was located in Vermont.)
All in all, Skeet was a good choice for the first annual Blessing of the Yard Tools and Small Gas Engine Devices.
I found Skeet living in a small rundown trailer complete with a long extension cord extending to another trailer some 75 yards away. He buried the cord in pine straw “for cosmetic reasons” and regarded his neighbor’s generosity as “humbling” although his neighbor, when asked about it, didn’t know a thing about it and immediately disconnected him. After a few minutes of discussion (and a promise of a pony keg) Skeet agreed to serve as the first person to conduct the Blessing of the Yard Tools and Small Gas Engine Devices ceremony.
The only problem left was the fact that Skeet wasn’t recognized, in any form or fashion, as a clergyman. He qualified himself as a man of the cloth by way of watching hours of church television as well as a collector of legendary audio-dubbed TV evangelist Robert Tilton.
Skeet agreed to do the blessing and promised to show up sober as long as we could tap the pony keg during the ceremony instead of following it. I thought that to be fair and we shook hands.
Well, as good as it sounded, the first annual Blessing of the Yard Tools and Small Gas Engine Devices never happened. On the day of the blessing, it rained so hard that the TV weather guys spent the day pointing to the green satellite images of rain and counted the lightning strikes that numbered into the hundreds of thousands. They had their sleeves rolled up and ties undone.
It was that bad.
Skeet never showed. I found out later that he got a hold of a bad batch of moonshine and tried to attack North Carolina, over near Franklin, in a 1981 Ford pickup truck registered to the guy who lived in the trailer some 75 yards away. Although Skeet described the man’s offer to loan his truck as “an act of patriotism,” the man said he knew nothing about it until the cops called him the next day, and later filed theft charges. (Skeet would later claim he was a victim of the “power of the moonshine” and requested the judge send him to rehab at a facility operated by Eric Clapton he found on the Internet, located in the Bahamas.) His request was denied.
Several of us got together anyway and blessed our lawn mowers, tillers, weed-eaters, and leaf-blowers by cleaning the spark plugs, changing the oil, re-fueling them and cussing a lot. For the most part it worked and provided us with a good reason to get together each year.
Skeet was sentenced to 300 hours of community service. He spends his weekends talking about Elvis and picking up the litter along Highway 23 east of Murphy and tending to his pompadour. He calls every once in a while and still pitches the idea of the ceremony.
He said he should be back in the fall and wants to discuss the idea of “The Blessing of the Fescue.”
Comments
Commenting is now closed for this entry.
By Natalie
April 4, 2006 9:02 AM | Link to this
View From the Cop is one of the funniest articles in the AJC. Det. Steve Rose, you so stooopid!
By Bull
April 4, 2006 10:11 AM | Link to this
Clearly, working in Sandy Springs isn’t nearly as entertaining or humorous as working in the FC.
By Jezebelle
April 4, 2006 2:40 PM | Link to this
Im still laughing and I read this article firth thing in the morning when I got to the office. Skeet is one funny fella and you’re even funnier narratting the saga loool
By Anne
April 4, 2006 5:48 PM | Link to this
I’ve got one for you,Steve, from a friend who was riding with Tampa’s narcotics squad one night in Ybor City (our local party district). Standing on the corner about 10pm, the team was discussing how to work the night when a clearly high man approached, holding out his hand. “Dude, you got a lighter?” as he showed the officer in charge a rock of crack. “Lemme see what I got,” replied the ever helpful officer, reaching in his pocket for his..badge and cuffs. Honestly! As my friend says, these ain’t rocket scientists!
By B
April 4, 2006 10:30 PM | Link to this
Hey! I think Skeet was at my last family reunion!
By KJill
April 4, 2006 10:49 PM | Link to this
I think we should all get together and pray REAL hard for Skeet and then give HIM a blessing ceremony all his very own - just his, nobody esletes (circa Ernest T. Bass)
By Jennifer
April 5, 2006 9:32 AM | Link to this
I absolutely love reading this column. Thank you, Mr. Rose!
By Maudie
April 5, 2006 2:52 PM | Link to this
Maybe you ought to “borrow” the extension cord used by Skeet and purchase electric power tools.