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AJC.com > Metro > View from the cop > Archives > 2006 > February > 14 > Entry
Cupid or stupid: It’s crunch time, guys!
The Atlanta Journal-Constitution
Valentine’s Day is a national holiday designed to either get your butt out of trouble or get it into a whole lot of trouble. It is the annual “I am so sorry and so stupid at the same time but hopefully you’ll think this is somewhat cute and not hate me or worse leave me especially if there’s alimony involved — no wait, I didn’t mean that last part, although alimony would be a real bummer” day.
To the credit of most men, Valentine’s Day sneaks right up on you with only eight to 12 weeks of warning. Sure the stores replace the Christmas decorations with big giant hearts around Jan. 2 or so but there’s a lot of stuff going on that distracts you from your natural instinct to buy a variety of different things that are mostly red.
As unforgiving as it is, you need to take into account that January was mostly dominated by the college bowl games and the NFL playoffs capped by the mother of all commercials, the Super Bowl, which we’re not supposed to refer to it by its trademark name so we’ll just call it Bob.
Well, after the Bob, There’s a whole bunch of stuff going on like the Russians cut off gas to Ukraine and we shot a rocket to Pluto that will cover threebillion miles and take nine years, which seems like a long time to me. If you’re in space and you don’t have wind as a problem, why can’t they travel at the speed of 20 zillion times the speed of light? By the time it comes back nobody will notice it. They’ll be wrapped up in the news of the day and things like the Rolling Stones farewell tour 2015.
If that isn’t enough, it’s the start of NASCAR season again.
I don’t like to present problems without solutions, so carefully read this next part and act accordingly.
MAKE A VALENTINE’S DAY CHECKLIST
1. Rearrange your schedule
If you normally report to your parole officer on Tuesdays then ask your parole officer if you could do your check in on Monday instead. If this doesn’t work, you may opt to abscond for the day and then ask forgiveness on Wednesday by saying that you were doing your taxes and time got away or Dick Cheney shot you in the face and you had to go to the doc-in-the-box down the street.
Don’t forget to check her schedule too. Oprah is on from 4 to 5 p.m. and from what I can tell, you’re never going to compete with that.
2. Take into account your partner’s interest
As odd as it seems, some women don’t like skeet shooting, so take some time and offer to do something she likes to do without her having to tell you. Nothing says love like an impromptu visit to the Dollar Store.
3. Plan the evening
Now that you know the time frame you have to work with and what your partner’s interest are, plan the evening so that she will be filled with surprise after surprise. Find out which restaurants take reservations and what to wear. Nothing is more embarrassing than wearing a pair of flip-flops to a place where everyone else is wearing camouflage hunting boots. “Mood enhancers” may help set the tone. Candles are a good idea but be careful. (Let’s just say I had no idea grits were flammable.)
Headed for home
This is the part of the evening where you need to have done your homework. Remember, feng shui is not a karate movie. It’s the Chinese art of placement.
The ancient Chinese believed that everything is connected by the flow of universal energy. Feng shui (pronounced Fung shway or Feen shweer in Ball Ground) literally means wind and water.
The Wind is the Yang (active and dominant energy) and the Water was Yin (passive and receptive energy). Feng shui is the channeling of these two forces.
Early Feng Shui practitioners relied on this art to plan the placement of their homes, gardens, furniture and offices to achieve the optimum harmony and balance. In other words, there is a reason the Feng shui practitioners hang their velvet Elvises on the north wall facing the “Dogs Playing Poker” tapestry, directly in the energy path of the wicker fans on the wall exactly forty-three inches above the brass spittoon they got from Gatlinburg.
It is the mood, the vibes, all the things put together to make it a special evening. Once the work is done, just ride the wave of love. My advice at this point is to keep your mouth shut and be romantic. There’s a time and place to discuss her favorite NASCAR driver.
This ain’t it.
Comments
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By Swangirl
February 14, 2006 9:58 AM | Link to this
Always love your words of wisdom. My husband cooked me a delicious dinner last night to celebrate Valentine’s Day since I have a church meeting tonight (bad planning) that I can’t miss.
I would like to share with the guys that contrary to what those stupid jewelry store ads say you do not have to spend a wad of money to show your wife/girlfriends that you care. A little imagination goes a long way.
By amused
February 14, 2006 2:10 PM | Link to this
i literally laughed out loud at how you addressed your points. thank you!
By Robert
February 16, 2006 7:06 AM | Link to this
Fortunately I don’t have to worry about Valentines Day. My wife and I don’t celebrate it and we’ve been happily married for 9yrs. It’s the things that are done on other days of the year that mean the most. Not just what is done on a Hallmark holiday.
By Jen
February 16, 2006 10:01 AM | Link to this
Dad- you’d be proud. Both my husband and my son had 4, yes 4 floral arrangement in my house for me for V-day. AND I got to eat out childless with my hubs. :)
By popdaddy
February 16, 2006 11:43 AM | Link to this
If they want us guys to remember Valentine’s Day, they need to move it. How can we be expected to think about Valentine’s Day when the Daytona 500 comes just a few days later?
By Connie Jenkins
February 19, 2006 9:17 PM | Link to this
Most women know Feb. 14th is Valentine’s Day while most men know it as Feb. 14th.