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AJC.com > Metro > View from the cop > Archives > 2005 > December > 22 > Entry
The mall: Where the weak and sick are devoured
The Atlanta Journal-Constitution
The mall is the place where you can eat a 12,000-calorie cinnamon bun and then be insulted by an 18-year old minimum wage part-time employee when you tell them you’re just looking. You can shop and then rest and then shop again.
Of course the Man Book specifically says men shop until they’re tired and then go home. You don’t rest and go back. We either find it in the first round or, as required by law, return home or to the nearest hardware store to recover.
The mall is mostly tranquil during the months of January to early November. The last six weeks or so leading up to Christmas resemble something similar to a slow but steady migration pattern leading to a three-week frenzied, but well coordinated, series of store assaults that move quickly from one side of the mall to the other.
During the last week and a half of the holiday shopping period, few men or children can be seen in the malls. The men gather their children and then retreat to the hills where they live in camps until late Christmas Eve. This allows time for the wives and mothers to wrap the presents and then decompress and return to human form.
The War Zone
Although the mall officials welcome the activity leading to Christmas, they know that some employees won’t survive the final onslaught. Most of the stores have weekend stand-by snotty teenagers waiting in the wings to replace those who will fall at the feet of the shopping herds. During the final days, the mall food court looks more like a USO station than the bright tile and neon food center.
The shoppers drink mostly bottled water and eat scones, almost always on the run. The food court employees take whatever money is thrown over the counter and then take cover.
What strikes me as amazing is that, although the crowds move furiously and in large numbers, there is very little internal feuding. They seem to know this will only delay them from the completed mission. They work together, in unison, as a gender.
They are superior.
We Are Determined To Survive
It never occurred to me that I might die in the mall, but those were my exact thoughts as my car and I were sucked into the turn lane that would lead directly to the mall entrance. As the traffic channels in you can clearly see the exit lanes packed with cars, attempting to get back onto the main roads and away from the mall. This is not an orderly exit. It’s an evacuation.
I saw the motoring mob headed for the main mall exits, which by the way, were jammed because the traffic lights refused to shine green but for a few seconds, allowing only two or three cars out at a time.
The mall people were clearly in cahoots with the traffic engineers.
At some point during a crisis, adrenalin begins to pump. People either rise to the occasion, thinking more clearly than ever before in their lives, or they just turn to Jell-O.
It was clear to me now that by design, we were never going be allowed to leave the mall. The mall security guards would soon arrive in their little Cushman scooters and herd us back inside where we would be trampled by the mob or, at the very least, sprayed with cologne over and over again. I’m not going down that way, mister!
My plan is to find Sears, retreat to the hardware section, grab an air compressor, nail gun and a couple of boxes of framing nails and set up a perimeter near aisle five, washers and dryers. Others will join me and we hold the fort until late Christmas Eve — when the crowds finally begin to thin. With any luck, I will see you on the other side.
We will survive.
Have a great Christmas!
Comments
Commenting is now closed for this entry.
By cindy dunlap
December 22, 2005 8:18 PM | Link to this
Oh Steve, you’ve outdone yourself this time. That was laugh-out-loud funny. Keep the funny stuff coming our way.
By Digital D
December 22, 2005 9:17 PM | Link to this
Why do people wait to the last minute? I think it the adrenaline rush and to mask the guilt as the rack up massive credit card debt. It’s all fun and games until your MASTER the Master Card bill comes in January.
By LadyT
December 23, 2005 9:18 AM | Link to this
This is why the Dollar Store rocks! It’s never crowded and you can get what you need in one fell swoop! Hahahaha! Just kidding, I think…
By tamara
December 23, 2005 11:28 AM | Link to this
Digital, some of us have scrooge bosses that wait till the last minute to give out the bonuses. I would love to have my shopping done early but you guessed it; I got my bonus yesterday so here I go to rush out and grab everything last second. I could have ran up my cards and been done earlier but decided to wait on the late bonus.
By Linda Jones
December 23, 2005 1:53 PM | Link to this
This is one of your funniest columns ever! I hope you and your family have a great Holiday Season.
By Patrick
December 24, 2005 12:26 PM | Link to this
Tamara, you could also budget and save throughout the year so that you don’t have to rely on a last-minute Christmas bonus to buy gifts. What if your company decides to stop the bonuses (Chevy Chase in Christmas Vacation)? Bad excuse…
By Romona
December 24, 2005 1:42 PM | Link to this
This is your funniest column yet! I laughed out loud! Have a very Merry Christmas!
To Digital D and Patrick - People shop at the last minute for different reasons. Don’t lump everyone in the same category or make sweeping assumptions when you don’t know their reasons or circumstances. Merry Christmas to you too.
By steve
December 25, 2005 12:24 AM | Link to this
We will survive?
Now you qouting Robert Hunter and Jerry Garcia?
Time for your drug test, officer.