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AJC.com > Metro > View from the cop > Archives > 2005 > June > 03 > Entry
King of the putdowns: Sgt. Joe Friday
The Atlanta Journal-Constitution
File
On television, the cops have a coolness about them that is, frankly, tough to equal. If you read my e-mails or articles you’ll quickly find that like many of my counterparts, I’m disappointingly human.
For example, there have been countless times when I had a Jack Webb moment yet failed to put all the words in the right place. If you recall, Jack Webb was Sgt. Friday on TV’s “Dragnet.” At the end of each episode he did what he did best. His parting shots to the criminals were, without exception, the best putdowns in the history of not only television, but police work as well.
I’ve tried, many times, to equal what Sgt. Friday did at the end of the episode, but I failed miserably.
In one show, Sgt. Friday had just busted a bunch of hippies who were inside a house, tripping on LSD. They were slowly dancing around and waving their arms slowly over their heads and just tripping way out. The guys were dressed in the normal hippie attire of a bloused and puffed-sleeve shirt with a paisley vest, wide belt, and bellbottoms. The really-fake long hair was held in place by the wide headband and most had a Sonny Bono mustache.
The room was painted full of florescent paintings of peace symbols and “Make Love, Not War” was written all over the place. The lights were red, green and blue. Some of the hippies were sitting on the floor staring at their hands and others were aimlessly walking in circles talking to themselves with their eyes wide open. Friday and Officer Gannon entered the house looking for a teenage runaway. They found the runaway in the corner of the living room (no furniture. Hippies don’t buy furniture) staring at a cigarette lighter an evil-looking hippie is flicking.
Friday and Gannon do their fast-paced walk-in as if they’re joined at the hip. Friday looks around, in disgust, before discovering the runaway they were looking for. At this point, nobody really knows they’re there. They’re still looking all around doing all that hippie stuff.
Gannon and Friday look at each other and shake their collective heads at what they see. I don’t know if it was the surroundings or the bad hippie-acting but it was in the ’60s and this is what we were led to believe hippies did.
Friday grabs the girl and the older hippie, whose Sonny Bono mustache is looking a bit lopsided, tries to intercede and take her back.
Older hippie: “Hey man. That’s my chick!” (He has one arm of the 30-year-old looking runaway and Friday has the other arm.)
Friday: “The only chick you’re going to have is chicken soup in the LA County Jail, mister. You see this girl is a decent, family-loving, daughter of a hard-working father and loving mother who lost her way after scum like you gave her some LSD, acid, or whatever name you punks call it now days. Sure, she’s tripping, she’s loaded, she’s flying around the moon, she’s whacked out, she’s wasted, she’s zombied, (Gannon now looks confused) she’s mamboed-bomboaded out of her mind thanks to you and your low-life, lazy, flag-burning, pot-smoking hippie scum friends but you can bet on this, commie-pinko, I’m going to be there every time you try and lure one of these kids with your pot and your LSD and your Volkswagen vans and paisley shirts! I’m going to be there and when I catch you I’m going to put you right back in the jail and then I’m going to be there when you get out and get back in your Volkswagen van and put on your puffy little shirt and paisley vest and then I’m going to be there when you stop for gasoline and waffles.”
The older hippie just hangs his head in shame because he has no comeback to the great things that Sgt. Friday has just said. (That or he saw himself in the mirror. Even in the ’60s, he looked way too hokie.)
There were many times over the years that I felt like I had a Friday moment in me when, after confronting someone for committing a crime, the criminal would make some ridiculous statement that begged for a Sgt. Friday comeback. Unfortunately, I never developed the skill for being able to administer a verbal lashing equal to that of Joe Friday:
“I’m going to be there because when punks like you do that stuff that you punks do all the time, then I’m going to be there and then uh … I’m going to get you and you’re going down and the only thing you’ll be having is chicken soup or whatever else they have on the jail menu, but your scummy friends and puffy shirt people are going to realize that you uh…. can’t do that stuff you’re doing all the time — except if you don’t get caught and then if you do you’ll probably get off on first-offender stuff but after that … oh, yeah, you’re mine, mister! Unless it’s on the weekend because I’m off on Saturday but heaven help you Sunday through Thursday!”
It just never worked.
I finally stopped trying to emulate Sgt. Friday. Too many syllables and long paragraphs to keep up with. I took the words of another famous detective. It was much easier to say: “Book ‘em, Dano.”
Unfortunately, my partner’s name was Fred so it was:
“Book em Fred-O.”
Not quite what I was looking for.
Comments
Commenting is now closed for this entry.
By steve spiegel
June 3, 2005 9:19 AM | Link to this
Started reading the piece under the mistaken notion that it would feature some of those terrific Joe Friday monologues. Ended up reading as just another hack job on Friday, and indirectly,the principles he espoused.
By Suzy
June 3, 2005 9:43 AM | Link to this
Thanks for a great article; I had forgotten how Sgt. Friday used to “spout off” like that and I used to wonder (as a kid) if cops really talked like that! Thanks!
By Drexel Gal
June 3, 2005 7:41 PM | Link to this
There was a distinct heirarchy for parting shot put-downs on “Dragnet”. Friday could always put down the alleged “perps”, citizens, and other enemies of the police. However, Friday’s C.O. always delivered the put-down to him. Joe always deferred to the Skipper. The sole exception was if Friday was pointing out a virtue of the Captain. In one episode, the typically nondescript C.O. was telling Old 714 that he shouldn’t sit in on a court hearing involving whether to revoke custody of a child from his physically abusive mother. Friday tells the Captain that he was merely doing what he (the Captian) had “done a hundred times”. [BTW … the only recognizable C.O. on the late-1960s “Dragnet” TV series was Olympic star Rafer Johnson.]
By Harry Lime
June 3, 2005 10:39 PM | Link to this
Friday never made that speech.
By Craig
June 4, 2005 8:50 AM | Link to this
Great article, as always.
By Kieran
June 4, 2005 1:26 PM | Link to this
Had a “Joe Friday” moment, summer of 1980? Had just turned on to Piedmont from Cheshire Bridge. The left lane was stopped and my lane was clear. Suddenly, a Cadillac was crossing in front of me. Even doing just 35 MPH, I could’nt stop in time. And raked the side of the car. There were skidmarks. After the Police Officer gave the driver a ticket, she explained she was going to get the car washed before her and her husband left on their vacation. Then she looks at the Policeman and says. “I guess it doesn’t matter now, does it officer?” All he could say was, “No Mam.”
By Ben Wade
June 4, 2005 1:38 PM | Link to this
One DRAGNET tenet apparently never grasped by Mr. Rose is: “Just the facts.”
By kelly
June 5, 2005 10:08 AM | Link to this
Yep those hippys were stoned. but being stoned in a house does not hurt anyone but those that choose to be stoned.
Just like an individual choosing to have five martinis after work in their home.
Lighten up.
By Jason
June 5, 2005 10:51 AM | Link to this
Okay, the fact that people are researching old Dragnet episodes to verify the “reporting” made by Officer Rose in his column is truly sad and representative of the world we live in. Not many people have the wit or intelligence to write a newspaper column, but because they breathe and have opposable thumbs they automatically assume that they can be editor/fact-checker extraordinaire. Grow up and read the column for the humor.
By JES
June 7, 2005 6:25 AM | Link to this
I remember the episode mentioned in the article, and I think it was indeed Friday that delivered it. No matter, as already pointed out by another, it’s still a good article and shouldn’t be nitpicked.
By Marcy
June 8, 2005 1:33 PM | Link to this
I remember one “Dragnet” episode where a woman living in an apartment building threw her newborn baby into a dumpster and it died. Friday and Gannon questioned every resident of the building, and finally nailed the woman with the crime. As they were handcuffing her, she wept, “I guess I’m not a very good person!”, to which Friday replied, “Let me put it to ya this way, ma’am - you’ll never make Mother of the Year.”
By Ed Norton
June 11, 2005 9:50 AM | Link to this
It didn’t take any research to realize that Rose fabricated his “quotation.” It was painfully obvious. As for those who claim to “remember” it, well, as any cop can tell you, witnesses are often mistaken.
By Frank
June 12, 2005 8:58 AM | Link to this
I have satellite radio & still listen to the Dragnet radio shows.I never find Friday to be that long winded but enjoy the parapharsed quote. It sounds like something out of the Dan Aykroyd/Tom Hanks Dragnet movie.Keep up the good work. I also work in law enforcement & have had many of the same occurences