View from the cop: Crime & punishment
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AJC.com > Metro > View from the cop > Archives > 2005 > February > 16 > Entry
CSI means only trouble for us
The Atlanta Journal-Constitution
We are under attack by trendy police shows. As if I wasn’t under enough pressure, now we have the CSI shows to live up to.
In “CSI New York,” the fashionable detectives who work in the low-light-accented trendy loft detective office have discovered a homicide victim in the park. They call for the fashionable lab people in the Fast Mobile Response Unit. They immediately show up.
Fashionable Lab Babe: “It looks like the victim was bitten by rats after he was killed. The question is, which kind of rat did this?”
Fashionable Detective: “How do we determine the difference?”
Fashionable Lab Babe: “First we take a hair from the victim’s ear and cross match it with every barber shop within a three-square mile radius of the murder scene. Then we divide by 7 — and the average number of “Hi Bobs” a college freshman could drink before passing out in 1978. That should give us a clear picture of whatever it was we were trying to figure out in the first place.”
Fashionable Detective: “How long will it take?”
Fashionable Lab Babe: “One, maybe two commercials.”
Fashionable Detective: “OK, I’ll take it from there. First, I’ll be magically taken back in time, with some high-tech sound effects to actually see the circumstances leading up to the death of the victim. I’ll be able to see who the killer was.”
The Fashionable Detective looks in the direction of the camera as the show fades to the next commercial. He looks lost in thought, but his hair is fabulous.
In the next scene the Fashionable Detective brings us up to speed on what happened during the commercial.
Apparently, they placed the location of the homicide when one of the older detectives decided to look in the wallet of the victim and found his ID and address.
As the Fashionable Lab Babe and Detective were analyzing blades of grass near the crime scene, the older detective drove to the address and found blood, bullet holes, a smoking gun and a guy holding the gun who said: “What the (%#$) took you guys so long to get here? I’ve wanted to confess for the last two commercials!”
I grabbed the remote.
(Click)
“Welcome back to “Law and Order, Special Victims Unit.” Our victims are special and we have special investigations. We’re special and have special clothes and guns.”
(Click)
“This week on “CSI-Miami:” The team of Horatio Caine and the funny and lovable Eric Delko tackle their biggest case yet as they try to solve the mystery of the Miami Dolphins’ offense.”
(Click)
“Next week on a very special episode of “Punky Brewster”….”
(Click)
“We now return to ‘Reno 911!’”
Finally, something I can relate to.
Comments
Commenting is now closed for this entry.
By bret
February 16, 2005 12:40 PM | Link to this
Please don’t tell me you wear shorts like in Reno 911!!!
By Greg
February 16, 2005 1:25 PM | Link to this
Well could be worse. they could wear the leather jackets and drive Pontiac Firebirds like Duluth PD (GA)
By TinaR
February 16, 2005 2:00 PM | Link to this
Good comment about Reno 911. My father was a police officer for 30 years, and he always said “Barney Miller” came the closest to capturing actual police work than any other show he had seen; one detective was always chasing his off-duty work, one was obsessed with his wardrobe, and the guy’s wives were always showing up with problems.
By Kimberly
February 16, 2005 2:00 PM | Link to this
Reno 911 reminds me of so many of my fellow officers and of so many adventurous morning watches in the SWATS. Only a cop could ever write or truly understand such a hilarious show!
By Dianne
February 16, 2005 2:35 PM | Link to this
I agree - on CSI (the original in Las Vegas), everything is quick and timely - all autopsy results, bloodwork and DNA results are provided momentarily. I have to admit I love the show. I just wonder what the real CSI workers think when they see that the people on the show never wear a hairnet or carefully cover themselves so their own hair, etc. don’t compromise the evidence!
Keep up the good work - I love your submissions to AJC - really brighten my day!
By Marcy
February 16, 2005 2:40 PM | Link to this
Yea, but I love the beginning of the regular “Law and Order” series because you always get to guess where the body will be found and by whom, as if there are bodies lying all over parks and in alleys in NYC.
By Jason Wiggins
February 16, 2005 3:33 PM | Link to this
Sounds to me like the author of this article is more upset that he doesn’t look as good as the actors on the show than he is about how the crime is actually solved.
By Ted
February 16, 2005 7:18 PM | Link to this
Which cop on Reno 911 do you relate to? Hope it is not the one in shorts!
By Courtney
February 16, 2005 11:46 PM | Link to this
Det. Steve, I am cop up in the mountains (there really is life past Hwy 400—though you’d only know it when it snows) and I love your column. Thanks for making people take a peek out of the safe little boxes they live in and see the real, often funny, world around them.
By Jeff
February 17, 2005 8:06 AM | Link to this
Maybe it’s just me, but every show would be so much cooler if it had that Law & Order sound effect.
By Bud
February 17, 2005 9:31 AM | Link to this
Yeah, I thought something was fishy about those shows when the detectives “roll up” in Hummers and Caddies. I know y’all work hard, but sadly, I’m sure most don’t make that much money.
By Ignatius
February 17, 2005 9:34 AM | Link to this
I always liked the days of Miami Vice when we didn’t have to shave for days at a time and nobody thought anything about pet alligators.
By Drew W.
February 17, 2005 10:12 AM | Link to this
My college roomate is now a federal special agent after serving as a cop at the city and state level. Every time I bring up shows like this, or anything related to his agency & ask how cool it is, he usually tells me being a federal agent is probably less exciting than my desk job!
But there was this one time we went out in Buckhead & stopped an international crime syndicate……
By Kevin
February 17, 2005 10:34 AM | Link to this
I could get to 8 “Hi, Bob“‘s. (But that was a long time ago).
By Lacy
February 17, 2005 10:49 AM | Link to this
I love the way crime/science shows manage to perform all these tests within about 3 minutes to determine ANYTHING. “This single hair? Sure, I can fingerprint the DNA before the next commercial, and tell you what they had for lunch/what shampoo they use/where they were one week before the murder right after the break.”
I work in a science lab, and all I can ask is WHERE are they getting this equipment. I’d love to get DNA analysis back in under 15 minutes!
By Natalie Schaeffer
February 17, 2005 11:22 AM | Link to this
View From The Cop is the funniest thing I have encountered in a long time! Keep it coming Det. Rose!!
By angie
February 17, 2005 12:54 PM | Link to this
Oh, how I LOVE Reno 911 ! I’ve never laughed so hard. You’re probably more like Garcia.. I get a kick out of your humorous column.
By Jen
February 17, 2005 12:56 PM | Link to this
Hi Dad! Great take on CSI. These people cannot be serious. Me? I prefer Reno 911. Lt. Dangles reminds me of you so much! :)
By Katie Smith
February 17, 2005 2:01 PM | Link to this
I have to admit, I love all those crime dramas, but I am educated enough to know the difference. I can see how it would definitely make your job difficult - kinda the same thing that Dangerous Minds did for teachers everywhere! Thanks for you hilarious and insightful column. I am a faithful reader.
By Doug
February 17, 2005 4:35 PM | Link to this
Since I was a college senior in 1978 rather than a freshman I have no idea what a “Hi Bob” is. Anyone?
By Anne
February 17, 2005 6:13 PM | Link to this
A “Hi Bob” was a very popular drinking game during the run of the original Bob Newhart Show. Every time a character said, “Hi Bob”, you had to down a beer, shot, whatever. I’m sorry you missed it, there was lots of fun being had…
By DB
February 18, 2005 7:09 AM | Link to this
Wonderful!!!You just gave my college freshman an incentive to watch 70’s TV reruns.
By EC
February 25, 2005 2:33 PM | Link to this
Hey… leave the Miami Dolphins’ offense out of this! ;^)