AJC > Sandy Springs > Blog > Archives > 2008 > February > 11 > Entry
DEL.ICIO.USReality bites as children grow up
The Atlanta Journal-Constitution
Last week I got the letter I’ve been expecting for years. It’s the one every parent eventually gets from the Department of Chronological Change/Reality Bites Division. It read:
Dear Mr. Osterman:
According to our records as of Feb. 5, 2008 your son Zachary Payne Osterman reached the age of 21. As such it is time for a modification and paring down of certain parental duties and perquisites. These take place immediately and there is no appeal.
1) We do realize that being seen as an adult in the eyes of the law can be quite different from presently demonstrated behaviors, but no one said life is fair. Indeed, we believe it was you who said that many, many, many times to the former minor child during the last 21 years.
2) Your advice to him is still welcome, if and only if the aforementioned 21-year-old requests it. However, it is now wholly expected that your opinions will be best kept to yourself unless solicited. Failing to heed this is at your own risk, and keep in mind this child will be choosing your nursing home.
3) Likewise, it’s time to curb the usual questions. The following list is meant as a guide and does not reflect everything you are no longer welcome to ask about. Refer to this list often. Please refrain from questions like:
How late were you out last night? Where did you go? Who were you with? Who else is going to be at the party? Are there going to be chaperones? Will there be drinking? Are you saving? Are you going to class? Are you studying?
4) Under no circumstances can you say: “Because I’m your father and I say so.” That phrase is now void.
We do realize that these changes should not be confused with no longer caring, worrying or thinking about your new fully legal adult. You are still free to hug, kiss, call, write letters/e-mails and offer support and encouragement. The phrase “I love you” can be said freely and with impunity.
Lending money is strictly up to you.
This may be hard to assimilate, but if you raised a good, responsible, loving kid then the process of letting go (okay, just between us; loosening your grip), well, 21 is an opportune time.
After all, it’s time to grow up. You, as well as him.
Permalink | Comments (16) | Post your comment | Categories: Jim Osterman
Comments
By DB
February 11, 2008 12:25 PM | Link to this
Once my son hit 18 (and now 19), I pretty much gave up on the 20 Questions game, and only asked “who’s going to be there” more out of curiosity than a need to monitor him. After all, he’s far away at college, and I go weeks without seeing him, but I strongly suspect he is not back in his dorm room tucked into his loft bed by midnight! :-) I can see whether or not he’s studying by his grades (so far, so good), and he’s good about letting us know if he needs help (i.e., money!). 21 will be almost an anti-climax for him!
Interestingly enough, a friend’s son was going on vacation with us. As we were leaving, she gave me a Power of Attorney. I laughed and handed it back to her and said, “Honey, he’s 18 — you can’t give me power of attorney over him!” He was delighted, and she was horrified! (Note to parents of college-age students: GET A POWER OF ATTORNEY FROM YOUR CHILD.)
By momtoAlex&Max
February 12, 2008 8:30 AM | Link to this
Power of attorney? Why? What for?
I don’t understand at all.
By sandy
February 12, 2008 8:40 AM | Link to this
DB…please explain…at what age CAN someone have POA? What do you mean “Get a POA FROM your child”…”FROM”???
By Jimbo
February 12, 2008 10:59 AM | Link to this
I think if you still have a “stake” in the success of your child (if they are living at home or you’re paying their tuition) then they still have an obligation to you as an “interested party”. While I agree that you have to trust them with some adult responsibility, there should still be some “under my roof” rules. Before you object, this is coming from a guy who refers to the day he was tossed from the house for non-performance as “the best thing my parents ever did for me”. They aren’t truly an adult until they no longer rely on financial aid from their parents. Cheers.
By DB
February 12, 2008 11:05 AM | Link to this
At 18, their medical records are their own, and if anything happens to them (car accident, etc.) a POA just helps smooths things along if any decisions have to be made. In the POA, your 18 year old grants you power of attorney for whatever circumstances you and they decide is appropriate (i.e., medical and financial decisions, dealings with schools, etc. if they are unable to do so).
By Jimbo
February 12, 2008 12:13 PM | Link to this
I think a Power of Attorney is a superb idea.
By Political Foreskin
February 12, 2008 12:22 PM | Link to this
Your children grow up too fast. They’re prurient interests are carnally assaulted by the vestiges of the GOP’s prosecution of Clinton. The sodomic reverberations are being heard to this day in all levels of our school system including the first grade. You should hear what the GOP did to the unborn. What mouths they have now. By shouting “sodomy” from the rooftops they infected our youth with it a full ten years later. It’s disgusting and it’s also why the evangelical right is obsolete.
This was the GOP. They did it. And now we’ve the devil to pay.
By Liliana
February 12, 2008 12:45 PM | Link to this
I’m sorry but as long as my 21 year old lives at home he lives here by our rules. We don’t ask him where he’s going when he leaves however we do not want him coming in after midnite or so, the alarm wakes us up and if he wants to come and go as he pleases then he needs to move out. It’s called respect.
By DB
February 12, 2008 1:00 PM | Link to this
@Liliana, I agree with the need for respect, but to me, it just feels too much like trying to stuff them back in the womb to expect them to be home by midnight. Over Christmas, my son was out visiting friends, etc. that he hadn’t seen since the summer, and he was very careful to let us know where he was and when he’d be home. If he tells me he’ll be home at 2, then I know he’ll be home at 2. As I pointed out to him when he turned 16 — my husband and I call each other all the time to let the other know where were are and if we are running late. It’s just respect and consideration, it doesn’t mean that one is controlling the other.
I’d rather have him happy about coming home instead of dreading it, like a couple of his friends (one of whom was told their curfew remained 11 pm while at home!) But then, I’m a bit of a night owl, anyway, so someone coming in at midnight would not bother me a bit.
By John
February 12, 2008 2:26 PM | Link to this
Wow, I had a job and an apartment at 19. My parents at ages 19 and 21 both had jobs, a home and my older brother.
By Elliot Garcia
February 13, 2008 9:50 AM | Link to this
I guess you just aren’t college material John….
By Momof3
February 13, 2008 3:27 PM | Link to this
Regarding the Power Of Attorney. It can be a terrific thing, but I believe that it needs to be a limited or “specific” POA. For example, when my son went off to Iraq as a Marine, he was required to get a POA. It said that while he was overseas, I was able to act on his behalf here. It worked out well, as there was a problem with his bank account one time, and I was able to straighten it out after showing them the POA.
Your child isn’t going to want to give you carte blanche permission to act on their behalf at ANY time. It would need to be specific — as in, if they became incapacitated.
By ProblemChild
February 13, 2008 3:27 PM | Link to this
When I turned 18 I was given a huge birthday party with one small present. A two week notice to move out!!
Since then, I’ve changed jobs, quit jobs, been fired and even laid off. But not once did I need my mommy and daddy to come and rescue me. I had to earn my independence or tuck my tail between my legs and return home. Looking back over some 20 yrs now, I can honestly say it was the best present they ever gave me.
By Laura Citron
February 13, 2008 4:32 PM | Link to this
Hey Jim, Congratulations! It seems that you have transitioned well…next it’s Carol’s turn! Laura
By mark
February 13, 2008 5:18 PM | Link to this
power of attorney…wtf people? at 18 you are on your own, your decisions that are made are strictly yours…if your parents made YOU sign a POA then you my friend were severely duped
By DB
February 17, 2008 11:57 AM | Link to this
At 18, IF he was “on his own”, that would be one thing. But while he did very well in the college scholarship sweepstakes :-), he is still dependent on us for living expenses, and the car and car insurance is still on us. The medical insurance is also paid for by us.
When he’s on his own, yep — that’s that, rip up the POA and be done with it. But until then …