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Monday, February 11, 2008
Reality bites as children grow up
The Atlanta Journal-Constitution
Last week I got the letter I’ve been expecting for years. It’s the one every parent eventually gets from the Department of Chronological Change/Reality Bites Division. It read:
Dear Mr. Osterman:
According to our records as of Feb. 5, 2008 your son Zachary Payne Osterman reached the age of 21. As such it is time for a modification and paring down of certain parental duties and perquisites. These take place immediately and there is no appeal.
1) We do realize that being seen as an adult in the eyes of the law can be quite different from presently demonstrated behaviors, but no one said life is fair. Indeed, we believe it was you who said that many, many, many times to the former minor child during the last 21 years.
2) Your advice to him is still welcome, if and only if the aforementioned 21-year-old requests it. However, it is now wholly expected that your opinions will be best kept to yourself unless solicited. Failing to heed this is at your own risk, and keep in mind this child will be choosing your nursing home.
3) Likewise, it’s time to curb the usual questions. The following list is meant as a guide and does not reflect everything you are no longer welcome to ask about. Refer to this list often. Please refrain from questions like:
How late were you out last night? Where did you go? Who were you with? Who else is going to be at the party? Are there going to be chaperones? Will there be drinking? Are you saving? Are you going to class? Are you studying?
4) Under no circumstances can you say: “Because I’m your father and I say so.” That phrase is now void.
We do realize that these changes should not be confused with no longer caring, worrying or thinking about your new fully legal adult. You are still free to hug, kiss, call, write letters/e-mails and offer support and encouragement. The phrase “I love you” can be said freely and with impunity.
Lending money is strictly up to you.
This may be hard to assimilate, but if you raised a good, responsible, loving kid then the process of letting go (okay, just between us; loosening your grip), well, 21 is an opportune time.
After all, it’s time to grow up. You, as well as him.
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