Around Sandy Springs

By Sue

October 17, 2005 10:18 AM | Link to this

Thank you so much for this wonderful, and long-overdue commentary. I have thought for years that “Time” or “Newsweek” ought to have a cover article on what has happened to manners, etiquette and decorum in the last 15 or so years. We have for too long accepted poor manners, inconsiderate behavior and inappropriate dress. Those that do have standards or high expectations are looked upon as being “uppity” or old-fashioned or demanding. When people start to raise their expectations and speak up to others when their behavior is rude, I think you will begin to see some changes. Cell phone users are at the top of the rude list. Let’s all make an effort (including restaurant owners) to let people know we expect better manners, dress and conduct from them. It will be a long uphill climb! :-)

By lyn

October 17, 2005 10:32 AM | Link to this

As a fourth generation Atlantan, I can say with conviction that the manners we were taught as children were not taught everywhere in the U.S. I too have been made to feel like an idiot when I’ve called an older woman ma’am- it’s just an automatic expression for me. They can’t seen to understand that it’s an expression of respect. Atlanta is no longer a southern town as we are well aware. Unfortunately, really good manners are gone with the wind.

By cliff Zeider

October 17, 2005 10:52 AM | Link to this

Hey Jim, I suggest you do a little shopping at Wal-Mart or K-Mart and get a real look at people with bad manners. Cliff Zeider Port St. JOe Fl.

By Gina

October 17, 2005 11:14 AM | Link to this

There are still some people with manners but the majority of people don’t have them. With the various cultures and immigration mingled in our society, manners are viewed differently in different settings. Some cultures have a small, personal space and don’t understand that Americans who have had family here for generations have a larger personal space. Everyone is just rude and in a hurry also.

By Joe Cool

October 17, 2005 11:21 AM | Link to this

When we stopped tteaching our children.

By Downtown Dave

October 17, 2005 11:22 AM | Link to this

Why do people choose not to send a quick e-mail that they will, or will not show up to my Halloween party. It takes about 10 seconds. That 10 seconds saves me the trouble of guessing how much food I need to make. I don’t get it. I think people need to literally enforce a Guest List Response policy. “Oh, your right, you were invited, but you didn’t have the courtesy to respond to tell me if you were coming, so your not allowed into the party.” Maybe you will be more considerate next time.
I just don’t get it.

By cherallynne forcella

October 17, 2005 11:33 AM | Link to this

Jim: Thanks so much for this timely column. I moved from Atlanta to Dallas, Texas a few years ago, and I’m happy to report that courtesy and civility are alive and well in Texas. Regretfully, it seems to be losing ground in Atlanta. Sad, because it’s such a lovely city.

By J. Morrow

October 17, 2005 11:45 AM | Link to this

I think the demise of good manners began about the time we decided it was fashionable to wear baseball type caps everywhere including the dinner table, in Churches, at the movies and so forth. It was about that time that I noticed most people now forgot to say even please and thank you much less be polite about even the basics. I still say ma’m and I still take off my cap when indoors or meeting someone. I open the doors for my wife and other women and can be found saying thank you even when it isn’t totally necessary. But then my momma and daddy taught me to be polite. Something that isn’t done today. Thanks for the article a more lengthy piece with statistics would be interesting as a follow-up.

By FlyGrl

October 17, 2005 11:59 AM | Link to this

Thank you so much for this timely reminder regarding modern civility or the lack thereof. I am a flight attendant, and I understand the frustrations that passengers experience with the “new” flying experience. Everything from delays, to lost luggage, to long lines, to poor customer service. However, if people would take a moment to acknowledge those of us in the airline industry that attempt to at least be civil to those folks that are rewarding us with your business. I often work in first class, and am astonished by the lack in class that is often shown by men and women in that cabin. Professionals(I use that term loosely) do not make eye contact at all and make orders and demands. A gentleman a few weeks ago snapped his fingers towards a flight attendant to hang his coat. An elderly woman needed assistance and took a few moments longer in the aisle, she was shoved to the side by a middle aged southern man that was too important to wait. I have dropped items before in the aisle and fourteen “men” quickly look away. The ironic thing is this, that I am paid to tolerate the attitudes and delays, etc. However, is it too much to ask that a mere glance my way as you deplane, or a “thank you” for your service. Yes, the big guys are flying the plane, and ultimately that is the purpose of flying, however don’t forget the people that wait on you hand and foot for the duration of the flight. It’s just common courtesy.

By Becca

October 17, 2005 12:10 PM | Link to this

Manners have disappeared. Ma’am is for older women however. I think “Miss” is very polite. It implies nothing. Just an idea. And have you noticed that when people are using poor manners that they get offended when you let them know they are being rude? Like I should just accept their bad behavior. It’s ridiculous.

By Jo

October 17, 2005 12:15 PM | Link to this

So, I’m not the only one who’s noticed the demise of manners in Atlanta! 3 nights ago, I was out seeing several local bands. I was sitting on a stool. 2 men were seated to my left. Eventually they were joined by a group of people they know; the newcomers stood on my right & they all proceeded to talk across me, hug each other across me, jostle me & puff smoke in my face. Not a word of apology; it’s as though I didn’t exist! After several minutes of this appalling conduct, I finally lost my temper & firmly asked them to take their conversation & smoke elsewhere. Thankfully, they did, and I still received not a word of apology nor any other acknowlegement except for glares, as in “who does she think she is”? Well, excu-u-use me for not wanting to put up with the poor manners of common trash! I’ve also noticed that if a man accidentally steps on a woman’s toe, spills a drink on her, etc, he usually doesn’t apologize unless he finds her “hot”. Excuse me, I’M a person too!

By Marcia

October 17, 2005 12:20 PM | Link to this

When my husband and I married five years ago he always opened all doors for me and I am certain he still would today except that I told him that I truly appreciated his chivalry but I really did not mind opening car doors for myself. My husband is always considerate beyond measure bringing me things before I even have a chance to ask him and always saying please and thank you. His considerateness is totally understood when you meet his mother, who always writes us a thank you note after she has visited our home or has received any kind of gift from us. I have tried to teach my children that gifts are not their God given right, but a true blessing from the giver and that they should always be acknowleged in some way to let the person know that they appreciate the gift given and the time that went into sending it. Most times this is done through a telephone call - not the best way but at least they do acknowledge the gift.

Thanks so much for this reminder that manners are never old-fashioned but just common courtesy.

By Rob

October 17, 2005 12:24 PM | Link to this

First, what does this have to do with Sandy Springs? Second, I stopped standing for women approching or leaving the table and opening doors for them the first time I took a woman out that was offended that I wanted to pay because she thought of it as some sort degrading gesture that I made more money than her.

By Alice Elliott

October 17, 2005 12:31 PM | Link to this

A good deal of it began when we quit expecting it from our own children. What is not taught at home cannot be practiced in the world. What, Huh and Yeah are so common place among our youth and so accepted by their parents. My children are now raising young families and they expect respectful responses from their children just as it was expected of them. It is the parents responsibility to teach manners and respect for themselves and others to their children beginning at a very early age. Manners is not something you are “born with” it must be taught.

By Karen

October 17, 2005 01:29 PM | Link to this

Is good manners a thing of the past? Where in the world has good customer service gone??? My fiancee and I are very complimentary when we find a person with good customer service skills, unfortunately it doesn’t happen very often. If you didn’t want to come to work that day couldn’t you just stay at home and be miserable by yourself???

By Brian

October 17, 2005 02:23 PM | Link to this

I frequently use “ma’am” and haven’t had any responses to it, negative or positive. I agree with Alice … look to the parents when confronted by the behavior (or lack thereof) of children. I agree with Rob too … what is a compliment to one woman is an insult to another. You’re best remaining neutral until you can figure out what they want. And I agree with Karen … the USA doesn’t have anything remotely resembling customer service anymore. If you’d like a crash course in rudeness, just call into Comcast or Cingular.

By Daryl

October 17, 2005 02:38 PM | Link to this

I got cursed out just the other day for calling a young lady ‘miss’. Apparently, she was recently married and I failed to realize it so she said to me, “It’s Mrs. to you…”

Also, when has it become a chore for women to politely say ‘thank you’ when I open the door for them. I’m not talking about my wife or someone I know; I’m talking about going out of my way to hold the door for a random female that’s going to the same place that I’m going. There are so many times that I’ve opened doors and they didn’t even acknowledge my existance. That ‘may’ be the root of some of the problem why men are not as mannerable as they were in the past.

By inka

October 17, 2005 02:46 PM | Link to this

only in the south people are addressed as “Ma’mam” and “Sir”..it has nothing to do with beeing polite and courtious…some people woth say thank you “mam’mam” or “Sir” dont even know how to eat with knife and fork correctly..

By Barb

October 17, 2005 03:00 PM | Link to this

Manners do seem to be “gone with the wind”, but I don’t think it’s fair for someone to “say with conviction that the manners we were taught as children were not taught everywhere in the U.S.”. Have you been everywhere in the U.S. to know that for certain? I am not from the South, but I promise you that my parents, and the parents of my friends conducted themselves with the utmost of decorum, and treated all they knew and met with respect, courtesy and dignity. They taught by example and raised us with impeccable manners. Though I don’t have children, my siblings and friends are raising their children the same way we were raised. Please don’t make the very broad and narrow-minded generalization that everyone who is not from the South was raised without manners. To Southerners, the term “Ma’am” is a sign of respect. As much as I personally don’t care to be called that, I do realize the importance of it, and use the term respectfully under the proper circumstances. However, while I will not use the term loosely, as that designation is not always justified or deserved, I will always treat others courteously. To those not raised in in the South, being called Ma’am is not always appreciated. Please realize that different geographic regions of the United States have different interpretations of that particular term. Just because some women don’t think it’s a sign of respect, doesn’t mean they’re without manners. That statement in and of itself is ill-mannered and elitist.

By LHK

October 17, 2005 03:11 PM | Link to this

There’s such a sense of self-importance in our manners nowadays: we want rules, but we want to make ourselves the one exception to following them. There’s an “everyone else but ME” clause attached to everything. I note this every day when I hit a particular Spalding Drive intersection that forbids left turns during rush hours. Every day, there are a number of people who choose to ignore those signs on which are posted the rush hour rules… and yet, I’m sure those people would be the first ones honking if someone in front of them decided to turn while they were trying to go straight.

I notice, too, at the supermarket, when people think the workers there are their personal servants. If you decide you don’t need that gallon of milk in your cart, just wheel back down the aisle and put it back where you got it. Don’t put it in the bread aisle, or, much worse but more often seen, leave it sweating at the checkout. There’s a certain polite respect we must have for public places and their staff.

These things worry me on a deeper level in that they make me wonder if people can’t see that looking out for oneself and having respect for others can certainly coexist. What we have right now is individualism run amok.

By Swangirl

October 17, 2005 04:10 PM | Link to this

Great topic and very timely. And it hit home during my trip to Publix today.

I got to the register, and looking him in the eye, gave a friendly “Hello” to the young man ringing up my groceries. No response at all. Blank stare. Then his pal, the felllow bagging my groceries, arrived and they proceeded to have a lively chat with the cashier at the next register.

I was surprised after I said “Thank you” that the cashier manged to mumble a “have a nice day” as I began to leave. The bagger didn’t offer to help me take my bags to the car. I was just another invisible cutomer.

I don’t expect to be treated like a queen. All I wanted was a simple “Hello” or “Welcome to Publix.” Any form of greeting would have been nice. But my cashier was having too much fun cracking jokes with his pals.

If I had done this, even as a grown adult, my father or mother would have dragged me out of the store and let me have it verbally. But I guess courtesy is something we’ve tossed out with written thank you notes and visits to friends when they’re in the hospital.

By jennifer

October 17, 2005 04:14 PM | Link to this

Rob, you shouldn’t base your future acts on one bad date. It sounds to me like your date had much larger issues. If she feels she is being degraded by your offer to pay for the meal, let me assure you, there are plenty of women out there who would be happy to take you up on that offer!

I remember when a guy would ask a woman out on a date it was pretty much assumed he would pay for the date (unless other arrangements had already been made between the two parties). However, some women do seem to be on a high horse when it comes to allowing a man to pay for a date. Ladies, what’s wrong with you? Let him treat you to a nice evening. Then, if you decide on a second date, maybe you can pay. Or whatever.

By Gina

October 17, 2005 05:42 PM | Link to this

Let’s not forget the cashiers and food service people who talk on their cell phones looking at the customer as if they are the ones who are being interrupted.

By Nancy

October 17, 2005 06:48 PM | Link to this

On our first date, my husband showed up wearing very nice trousers and a beautiful shirt, bollo tie and boots that matched the shirt. I was attired in the jeans and t-shirt I had changed into after returning home from work. Why had I decided to wear such casual dress for a first date? History.

I had moved to Georgia from New York two years prior and had, up until that night, been routinely escorted out by men who arrived in jeans and t-shirts. These were not day-laborers, as you might stereotypically surmise, but lawyers and other professionals. I had, in those two years, dumbed down my dating attire in response. When I opened the door to Mr. Peacock, who I had no way of knowing at the time would be my future spouse, I stammered that moments before, I had arrived home from work and it had been “casual Friday. Just give me a minute.” Great save if I do say so.

The point is that this man proceeded to show me a wonderful evening, open doors for me, pay for everything without wondering if I would chip in. A few dates later, I asked if he wanted me to contribute and he responded, “Why? I invited you out. In the future, if you ask me to do something and it makes you feel good to pay for the evening, I’ll be glad to be your guest. Tonight, you are mine.”

So I married him. Best move I ever made. Anyone who thinks he was “degrading” me has no understanding of treating another person with respect and courtesy. He told me years later that he knew he was the man of my dreams and he was going to make damn sure I knew it too. Gotta love him. I sure do.

By kenny

October 17, 2005 08:41 PM | Link to this

Your article was well overdue. I shall never forget some years ago an elderly gentleman was headed into a doctor’s office from which was leaving. I pleasantly waited for him to enter and held the door for him. He turned and said to me “You are a scholar and a gentleman”. Good manners and courtesy will take you around the world. More! More!

By Gman

October 18, 2005 08:43 AM | Link to this

Now I wouldn’t say I’m a guy built on manners, but I remember once going out for dinner with a group of guys and I unfolded my napkin and laid it in my lap. They all looked at me like I was an alien. One even asked if I went to prep school. Now, I’m not originally from Georgia. But I can say after living here for nearly 20 years and then visiting relatives in California, you can definitely see a difference in “southern hospitality” and “way out west”.

I’ve come to the conclusion that if you want great service and hospitality, you need to go further from Atlanta as you can…where the southern accent is still there. People in that part of town still ask you, “How are you doing today?” when you go to checkout. Other locations just tell you the total and wait with a frown for your money. I’ll gladly live in lawrenceville even though it’s 25 miles from my job just to continue to get that “peaceful easy feelin’”.

Now if only my teenage boys could pick up some manners…

By Ignatius

October 18, 2005 09:08 AM | Link to this

My wife and I were taught manners and we try to instill the same in our children. It doesn’t ever fail to amaze me the grateful and oftentimes surprised reaction they elicit when they say “Thank You”, “Please” or address someone as “Sir” or “Ma’am”. I hope they will continue being polite because a rude reaction from someone who doesn’t know how to gracefully accept mannered offerings doesn’t hold a light to the reaction from Mom or Dad if they do not!

By C. Ellerton

October 18, 2005 09:12 AM | Link to this

Generally common courtesy and respect for others men and women is long gone. I have been at sporting events where the men’s language and behavior sitting around me, my wife and children is so bad that we have to get up and leave. I have been in movies where the adults (and teens) are so talkative that you cannot hear the previews or movie and when you ask them to hold it down they become combatative and rude. Neighbors allow their pets to run free and annoy their neighbors, customer service is just downright non-existant and in general people have just become rude and obnoxious. I think this comes from a ‘me first, get mine while I can’ selfish mentality, as if life is only about themselves. I have taught my sons to be polite open doors for others and they are more often than not are met with blank stares and not one simple ‘thank you’. But despite the rude and nasty behavior of others my wife and I still practice ‘common courtesy’ and continue to encourage our children to do so…because how else will we ever change the behavior of others if we are not good examples ourselves. The most important thing is to ‘do whats right even if no one is looking’ and ignore those whose lives are so lacking that they have no respect or care for their fellow man. C. Ellerton

By Mary

October 18, 2005 09:32 AM | Link to this

This article really struck a chord with me. I’ve actually stared down the checkout person at the grocery store waiting for a simple “Thank you!” instead of “Here ya go” when she hands me the receipt. It’s a shame when I notice good manners, or better put, am taken aback by good manners, rather than the other way around. I AM teaching my child proper manners, and her friends’ parents always mention them. It’s just not that hard to say “please” and “thank you”, “may I” and “would you please.”

By Marc

October 18, 2005 09:39 AM | Link to this

As a former Atlantan living in Savannah, I can say that manners still do exist. Savannah continues to be a “southern” city, and tradition still matters here.

In my hometown of ATL, too many people from too many other places and cultural traditions have moved in and are competing for space and power. The old “southern gentlemen” of my era are no longer in any position of prominence. All of the business leaders are from elsewhere.

People, especially women, are softer here…not only in their looks, but in their demeanor. It is rare to find a woman who feels she needs to compete with a man for the professional upper hand. The traditional roles are still expected and observed.

I guess that comes with having English roots that date back to 1733. If you’re sick and tired of rudeness, come to Savannah. You may not make as much money, but your children will be kinder and happier, and better-mannered.

By a polite nyer

October 18, 2005 10:51 AM | Link to this

The art of good manners is lacking all over. Atlanta is not the only place in the country where manners were taught. I grew up on Long Island. I have nine siblings. Needless to say, money was tight. However, proper behavior was always expected of us, inside the home and out. Always, always treat others with respect was what my dad would say, even if we were shown disrespect. Money and status do not build good character. It is learned behavior, and it comes from the home.

My husband and I are raising our son to be the best person he can be. We live in a very affluent area, but are not affluent ourselves. Believe me, we are surrounded by rude, arrogant idiots. A big wallet does not make a big person. There are plenty of examples to point out to my son, as to whom I don’t want him to be. I laugh every time I hear someone comment on how courteous our teenager is, especially when they realize that his parents are native New Yorkers! The rude Yankee misconception is widespread.

I truly feel that the downward spiral in regards to cell phone manners started with the call-waiting technology of the telephone. Really, when someone tells you to hold on as there is another call coming in, are they not really saying, hold on, this call may be more important than yours? Simply cut the conversation short and call the person back.

Recently, I was “given” the opportunity to appear in traffic court. I wanted to be presentable and make a good impression, so I purchased a new outfit. My husband thought I had lost my mind. He was right. I could not believe my eyes when I arrived at the court. People looked like slobs, as if they had not showered in days! There were young women, under twenty years of age, in court with their mothers, wearing midriffs, ripped jeans and flip flops. Many of the men were unshaven and had unkempt hair. What the heck? Forget about the clean underwear routine, they probably weren’t wearing any!

You cannot fault the young adults of today for wearing baseball caps into restaurants, public buildings, during the National Anthem, etc. I’ve seen the fortysomething men, probably in the midst of their first midlife crisis, actually wearing the caps backwards or crooked, eating in a restaurant, with their kids at the table! Who is setting the example?

To me, this loose and sloppy dress code certainly demonstrates a total lack of respect. These kids don’t buy their clothes on their own, they need Mommy & Daddy’s charge cards. Parents need to take a good, hard look at themselves. It’s not always easy to reprimand, or to say no when everyone else is lacking a backbone.

I’m sure a good number of young adults have never been taught how to acknowledge another’s presence. It really is sad. Kids should be taught to look the person in the eye when they shake hands. It is a sign of confidence and character. They have no idea that they are supposed to allow the person coming out of the building to exit before they enter the same door.

Unfortunately, good character is not “in”. Sit down, watch TV programming and listen to the music geared toward our young adults. These are the role models our children are emulating. It is a disconcerting and sad state. I believe we need to turn off the TV, lower the volume and teach our children ourselves the art of social graces, or at least attend a session with our children. A lesson learned from or with a parent is far more valuable than one that has been paid for, and taught by a stranger.

By Kim

October 18, 2005 11:50 AM | Link to this

Ugh. Southerners are just as ill-mannered as everyone else in this country. At least New Yorkers are most honest about it.

By Connie

October 18, 2005 01:22 PM | Link to this

This reminds me of a time several years ago when I answered on of my supervisors by saying , “yes sir.” He quickly told me that I did not have to say sir to him. I responded that to him that my parents taught me to say “yes sir” and “no sir” to anyone who was in a position of authourity and “no respect was intended!” To this day, whenever I say “yes sir” or “no sir” to him, he smiles.

By Becca

October 18, 2005 01:37 PM | Link to this

To everyone who is complaining about the horrible customer service they recieve…how polite are you to the people behind the counter? I just ask because I get really good service most places and I think it might have something to do with treating the cashiers, waiters, waitresses and delievery man like human beings instead of drones that are there to “give me what I want and do it now”. I have been on both sides of the counter so to speak, and rudeness works both ways. Just a thought.

By Helen

October 18, 2005 03:05 PM | Link to this

I have to agree with Sue that this is a long overdue commentary. Not just manners, but basic common courtesy, is no longer the norm. We cannot blame the young for this as they are not the only ones who are lacking. For example, I was brought up that when you invite a person into your home, you make them feel special - regardless of whether they are family, friends or complete strangers. In my family that meant such things as using your good china. However, my mother in law makes fun of me and accuses me of putting on airs.

I honestly believe that the lack of manners and common courtesy is due to the fact that people have just become lazy, why do dishes when you can throw away paper plates. People can no longer be bothered to be nice to each other.

How sad we have become.

By LHK

October 18, 2005 03:30 PM | Link to this

Marc: While I completely agree with you that Savannah is a beautiful city full of lovely people, I take issue with your comment that, “[p]eople, especially women, are softer here…not only in their looks, but in their demeanor. It is rare to find a woman who feels she needs to compete with a man for the professional upper hand. The traditional roles are still expected and observed.”

Politeness can exist without our culture reverting to 19th century gender roles. I think a lot of people today DO see the idea of etiquette as being quaint and old-fashioned. The solution is to bring manners into the current culture rather than asking the culture to abandon its progress. Actually, I think Savannah’s a good example of this: there’s a sense of etiquette present there, but, with its burgeoning art community, it’s a very progressive city.

I’m a woman who graduated from college with honors, started in the business world as a receptionist, and worked my way up to managerial status. Surely there’s nothing “unmannerly” about my not wanting to stay in the bottom rungs of the business world. I don’t see it that way, and I don’t think my co-workers do, either.

By Ed Cash

October 18, 2005 03:53 PM | Link to this

Well it’s not “Poltically Correct” but here goes. Manners left when women and the feminist movement stole from society our manners. Without women being women and men being men the need for “Manners” is no longer required. You asked for it ladies. You got your freedom and equality open your own car door you don’t need men and their old fashioned manners anyway huh?

By Kevin

October 18, 2005 04:11 PM | Link to this

I agree with you Marc; people today are plain rude. A good deal comes from their upbringing or lack there of. I see too many parents neglecting opportunities to correct their children when needing to do so. I could never address my parents with “what” as a response. However I hear too many children use it to address their parents. Too many of today’s parents are too busy trying to be a best friend when they need to be a parent.

I also see it in the way we drive. Rudeness is king on the roads and politeness is a sign of weakness.

By Swangirl

October 18, 2005 05:22 PM | Link to this

“I just ask because I get really good service most places and I think it might have something to do with treating the cashiers, waiters, waitresses and delievery man like human beings instead of drones that are there to “give me what I want and do it nowâ€?.”

Becca, I can promise you I am more than courteous when I’m at a store or business. I worked as a counter attendant at a dry cleaners in high school and through much of college, so I do know how it feels to be on the other side of the counter.

I always smile and say “thank you” when dealing with staff at stores. Believe me, I know they work hard. Much of the time, they respond with equal courtesy.

But when the Publix cashier cannot even respond with a “hello” when I smile and greet him, it gets really depressing.

By susie

October 18, 2005 05:26 PM | Link to this

I have to agree with Becca about having respect for people behind the counter. While I always do my best to provide good service, I’d say about 10% of our customers ever say please or thank you, usually it’s just “give me”. For me, “give me” has not been acceptable since I was two years old! Do not even get me started on the people who shout out their orders while talking on the cell phone…I equate that to spitting in my face!

In regards to to the Sir and Ma’am thing, I think it’s flattering, but I do prefer Miss, trying to hold on to my youth as long as possible!

By Stephen Duncan

October 18, 2005 08:52 PM | Link to this

On a positive note: All the employees at my local Publix are great! They’ll offer to carry a pacl of gum to your car. They always smile and after a while they know you by name. (it’s the one on old 41 and Barrett parkway)

I find a lot of people today still have manners, but there are the few who won’t say thank you when you hold a door. In general, if your warm and polite - people respond in the same manners.

The whole idea the feminism drove out manners is off the mark. I’ve dated plenty of women and maybe one (in my entire life) was upset that I held a door or paid a bill. Feminism or radical feminism died out in the early eighties - most of today’s young woman - I find - are a lot more traditional.

The real breach of etiquette, in my experience is cell phone usage. I’ve seen people in movie theaters answer several calls and converse, and I’ve had people stop talking to me in person to answer a call. I don’t think some people realize that you don’t have to answer the phone just because it rings.

All in all - most people are still polite, sometimes you just have to be nice first.

By D L

October 18, 2005 11:52 PM | Link to this

I feel that the smallest compliment recieved is much stronger than an act of rudeness or unkindness. It not only gives the reciever but also the giver a good feeling. I also feel that saying please and thank you show that you are a confident person. I think the easiest and most important thing is also the simplest to give; A SMILE. Next time someone is rude reward them with kindness. You will be a happier person and your kindness could very well change others. I feel I am drawn to kind people and it gives me the desire to be kind to others also.

By oldteacher

October 19, 2005 07:46 AM | Link to this

How can you say that ma’am is for old people? I say ma’am and sir to my middle school students as a sign of respect. They are delighted.

By Maria

October 19, 2005 08:00 AM | Link to this

Once again, Jim, you are dead on with your assessment of the state of things in our society. I think people have simply become lazy and see no reason to make an effort to use even the smallest niceties. However, my favorite has to be the ballcap wearers whose hats are apparently permanently attached to their heads. My family went on a cruise several years ago. We dressed nicely for dinner in the formal dining room. After most of the folks had been seated at our table, in strolls Bubba and his girlfriend and Bubba is wearing — you guessed it — a ballcap, in camouflage, no less. This cap complimented the grungy plaid shirt that he wore untucked over jeans. His female companion had on a way-too-small halter top and cutoffs. No, it wasn’t Britney Spears and Kevin Federline, just (to my amusement and embarrassment) a redneck couple from Georgia who apparently thought that formal dining meant that you had to wear shoes to the table.

By Scott Earp

October 19, 2005 08:24 AM | Link to this

When I make an effort to hold a door open, and don’t get a “thank you”, I look the offending party straight in the eye and say “you’re welcome.”

By DKB

October 19, 2005 08:58 AM | Link to this

The invitation issue is the biggie for me. I can’t tell you how much money I’ve wasted on my children’s birthday parties. We’ll distribute about 20 invitations and one or two children will show up. Because NO ONE responded to the RSVP, I had to plan and prepare for the maximum. So, I was out a bunch of money and my children’s feelings were incredibly hurt after so much anticipation of hosting a wonderful time for their friends.

It’s so sad that I’ve had to tell my children at such young ages that they can no longer have birthday parties because no one comes. We’re attempting to have one last party for my son’s 7th birthday in a couple of weeks, but we’re just having it at a local park with with cake and ice cream so that I’m not out hundreds of dollars when no one shows up. I’d rather take my chances with Mother Nature than with the ill manners of humans!

By Anonymous Yankee

October 19, 2005 09:26 AM | Link to this

I too am a Yankee who was raised by parents who taught me manners and common courtesy, as I have taught my own children. I received many comments from native southerners about the beautiful manners and respect my children displayed at all times. The children in our neighborhood were also polite and respectful to all adults and fully expected to be corrected by any adult in the neighborhood. Flash forward 5 years and you would swear we had moved to a parallel universe! The neighborhood children are rude, disrespectful and downright disgusting. When you meet the parents it is obvious why they are the way they are! I have had conversations with former school principals who have retired early because of the children and their parents. One principal in particular was a fabulous educator in our small, older public elementary school. She said she just couldn’t deal with the crudeness anymore. By the way, this is NOT a racial situation. This principal was a black woman and was loved and respected by black and white students/parents alike and my family is biracial. I live in Rockdale County and, unfortunately, I have seen some of the most disturbing displays of rudeness recently. Rockdale used to be a lovely, sleepy little county with pleasant residents of all cultures. It has become a nightmare! Rude/crude behavior everywhere from the schools to the neighborhoods to the markets to the restaurants! Needless to say, we plan to move very soon. Georgia used to be a lovely place to live. We will be looking in another state for what has been lost here.

By J.T.

October 19, 2005 10:02 AM | Link to this

My biggest pet peeve regarding manners: Those who think that they do not have to be considerate of others in a movie theater. I was recently in attendance of an R rated movie. A couple brought along their young baby - possibly no more than 9 months. Throughout the movie this couple talked as if they were in their own living room: in a normal tone for all to hear. When the child started crying, loudly, they kept it in the theater and did nothing to quiet the child except bounce it around.

I finally had enough and loudly requested they take the child out of the theater. The entire audience applauded me. The mother screamed back at all of us that she had a right to bring her child to the theater. When she didn’t leave, I left to get an usher to have her and her baby removed. She screamed at the entire theater again that she had a right to bring her child in the theater.

After all, don’t we have a right to enjoy the movie in peace? When I was a child, if my parents wanted a night out, it meant they would hire a babysitter and provide a meal for us before the sitter arrived. If they couldn’t afford the sitter, then they didn’t go out. Why do today’s parents feel they don’t have to treat others with the same respect?

I requested my money back from the theater and got it. Since parents are so inconsiderate of others - maybe we should all request our money back when such happens - maybe then movie theaters will take action and refuse to allow parents to bring babies and/or young children to movies other than age appropriate ones.

By Marc M

October 19, 2005 10:24 AM | Link to this

to LHK: I apologize for any misunderstanding. I didn’t mean that it is unmanerly to want to achieve success, especially if you are a woman. However, in cities such as ATL, I have encountered over the years (especially in the ’70s and ’80s) a tendency by women who were climbing the corporate ladder to have to prove that they were as rude if not ruder than men. This may have been just a sign of the times, but it still exists today in many places.

Again, I didn’t mean to offend anybody.

By Swangirl

October 19, 2005 11:40 AM | Link to this

Stephen, I’m glad that folks at your Publix are so courteous. That’s awesome. Most of the time, the folks at the Publix I go to at Toco Hills are indeed very nice. That’s why I like to shop there.

The same day of the incident I described, I was in the produce department when an older employee asked me if I was finding everything okay. When I went to the deli counter, while another customer was being served, a young man asked what I needed and prepared it for the slicer. He smiled and was very polite.

I guess that’s why the cashier’s blank stare and non-greeting surprised me. Everybody else was so nice!

As for the parents with the crying baby in the movie theater, it seems to be happening a lot more often these days. I imagine that in a few years these same parents will be the ones who take their kids to R-rated movies and let them run up and down the aisles.

By Dee

October 20, 2005 02:05 AM | Link to this

When I moved from the South to Kansas, I knocked people over using the terms Thank you, Please, If I may, Ma’am, Sir, Yes please, etc and people were in awe when I didn’t let doors go in there faces or when I helped older folks or people with injuries (and children) load their groceries and return their carts.

My parents raised to me to respect my elders, my betters, and those in need of a little human compassion and care. I felt like a freak. I had people complimenting me on my manners though I never, ever thought a thing in the world about them. It was the way I was raised. Humans are equal to humans… period! (Until the mutants and spawns of the world prove they should be treated differently). There is common courtesy owed to all… especially our ELDERS and our BETTERS! And everyone in between. Just because you don’t have to bag groceries and then humbly load them into some soccer mom’s or lawyer dad’s gas guzzling SUV, does not mean they are any worse or lower on the food chain than the president, congress, senate, or ANYONE on this planet.

Respect and common courtesy is just that. We owe it to each other regardless of social standing, race, religion, culture, skin color, income bracket, neighborhood, or car we drive! If some one is a jerk, rude, discourteous… BY ALL MEANS: DO NOT APPROACH THEM! Stay away from them. They live in their world and you don’t need to be a victim of hatred!

I think people have just stopped caring about right and wrong. It is now simply a matter of whether or not they are where and who they want to be and have what they want to be there. It’s material and financial. Manners seem to have NO PLACE in our society any more.

People that the value of manners still mean something to them live like Christians in Roman times… under cover and afraid of what will happen if they show their light! The light of politeness and respect.

It’s a sad freakin’ world that keeps diminishing every single day.

Where’s the love y’all? I don’t know.

By dan

October 20, 2005 08:39 AM | Link to this

Manners went out the window when Yankees(especially the New Yorkers) started moving south as air conditioning arrived. As my father said “you can always tell a yankee, but you can’t tell them much”.

By steve

October 20, 2005 10:48 AM | Link to this

Our own sense of self importance is so overwhelming that we no longer take the time to show common courtesy to one another. Perfect example of a society in regression. Thanks to: Hollywood, Professional Sports, Mainstream Media, Hip Hop Gangsta Recording Industry, and last but not least our duly elected officials in local, state, and federal government. All of the above are tawdry and distastefull examples of our society.

By Joanna

October 20, 2005 11:02 AM | Link to this

And is it good manners, gentle person from the south, to paint people from other regions of the country with such broad strokes? MY father always said, “Judge not, lest you be judged”.

By Tina

October 20, 2005 03:33 PM | Link to this

Manners have NOTHING to do with where people are from and have everything to do with where people want to be as a society. Yankee bashing isn’t going to win your case. My grandmother, from Ohio, made it quite clear, early on, that good manners, of the Emily Post variety, were expected of each of us. One time my brother and I received a gift from her and didn’t acknowledge it—prompting Grandma to remind my mother that she was under no obligation to provide gifts, but that a prompt thank you note was expected in return. She gave us a true gift as far as I’m concerned. Gentility allows us to express ourselves with grace and goodwill, and who couldn’t use a little more of that in their lives?

I am teaching my two year old small kindnesses every day. We say please and thank you. We create handmade birthday cards and thank you notes for our friends. We express gratitude for the gifts we are given, physical or not.

By Ted

October 21, 2005 11:33 AM | Link to this

Yes manners as part of the social contract are declining. Unfortunately they are being replaced with guns. Young people in increasing numbers are settling social disputes, many trivial, by shooting at each other. I am disappointed by the decline in social civility as many people fail to demonstrate good manners. I am appalled at the shootings and the lack of a sociatial outrage to solve this problem.

By dee

October 21, 2005 01:20 PM | Link to this

How do we get back to manners? It all starts with each of us one thank you at a time. By the way, thanks for asking!