AJC > Sandy Springs > Blog > Archives > 2005 > September > 12 > Entry
DEL.ICIO.USWhen a son goes off to college
The Atlanta Journal-Constitution
My heart hurt.
Two weeks ago I took my son Zach — lock, stock and I-Pod — to Indiana University. This didn’t exactly sneak up on me.
Before his junior year at Riverwood, our mailbox filled up with direct-mail pieces for colleges and universities. Before his senior year, we sat with his school counselor to see what courses he had taken and what he would need to be considered by the schools on his list.
Then came the visits. Georgia Tech was an early favorite, but fell by the wayside. Then he visited Vanderbilt, Duke and Wake Forest and eliminated the latter two.
I took him to my alma mater, Georgia Southern University, but it didn’t show well. The last two schools would be Indiana and Georgia.
He and I made the trip to Bloomington, Ind., last April and he all but moved into the dorm that day. With apologies to Uga, he decided not to even visit Georgia.
I guess I could say that I didn’t have much time to prepare for him to leave home, but that would be a lie. For most parents, the 18-year clock on the kid leaving starts the moment they’re born. One of the first things a new parent is asked is whether they have started a college fund.
Done properly, parenting is about getting them ready to step out into the world. And 18 years should be plenty of time to prepare. Heck, we got a man on the moon in less than a decade.
But there I was, standing in his dorm room three weeks ago as the afternoon shadows were creeping in. There were no more boxes to move, no more forgotten items to fetch from Target and I had a 10-hour drive ahead. All that was left was good-bye.
But how do you put 18 years of love and caring and concern into a few sentences? All summer I thought about what I wanted to say; how proud I was of the young man he had become, how I wished good things for this next chapter in his life, how ready I felt he was to move along.
I told him all those things, and that I loved him. Then I took the crucifix from around my neck and put it around his. I hugged him tight one last time. And then my heart started to ache.
Our children belong to us, but they don’t.
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By Beth Kidd
September 12, 2005 09:41 AM | Link to this
Your comments bring back not so distant memories of my first day at college, a hot day in August 1999. My mother accompanied me to Georgia Southern a few days early for band camp. We moved into the quiet dorm all too quickly. I was eager to get started on my college career and she had a long drive back home. All summer she had been saying she would make some audio tapes of little tips and directions so I would know what to do. Of course she was joking—I had those “tapes” playing in my brain anyway. She had raised me well to make good decisions. Anyway, it was a sad goodbye, but we didn’t cry. I went to band practice and she went home to Lavonia. I knew she loved me, but I also knew then that I would probably never move back home. That is how it is supposed to be.
By Lynne Anservitz
September 12, 2005 09:47 AM | Link to this
Less than a month ago, I left my son in his residence at the University of Pittsburgh surrounded by IKEA furniture still to be assembled. He was excited, trepidatious, concerned, and maybe a little inspired. But my apron strings were longer than I wanted to admit. We said our goodbyes as he left me at the airport, and I thought I saw a twinge in my boy’s eyes. It was heart-wrenching for me. He’s my only child. Yet, he’s spent his whole life preparing for this separation - 14 years of school at Woodward Academy, all hours spent researching college choices, all the hand-wringing over SAT scores. He’s ready. I’m the one brooding over letting go. All I can say is, “Thank heaven for cellphones and e-mail.” I call, he calls, he e-mails, I respond, I send care packages. He tells me about classes, the pep rally and football game, the start of fraternity rush, hanging out with his best friend (who ended up at Carnegie Mellon, right next door to Pitt). Yes,letting go is hard. He’ll be home soon for a quick weekend. I can’t wait.
By Neil M.
September 12, 2005 09:57 AM | Link to this
Our two ‘kids’ are are now college educated, successful (a teacher, 30, and an attorney, 26) but I still, to this day, can understand your angst. It’s likely that nearly every decision you’ve made for 18 years was made weighing the impact of that decision on your son and any other children you may have. It’s very tough, and very challenging, to walk away from that level of involvement.
Rest assured, Jim, the journey into adulthood for your son, and your role in that journey, is far from over. You’ll see a lot less of him, but your importance in his life likely won’t diminish at all. Beyond the “Dad, I need money” calls, he’ll value your thoughts, whether he admits it or not. At this stage of his life and yours, it’s okay to speak of “quality” time, because small doses of parental time and involvement can have a significant impact.
Best wishes to you and your son…even if he did pick Indiana (??) over Georgia.
By Linda Peck Thonnesen
September 12, 2005 10:47 AM | Link to this
So when did you graduate from Georgia Southern? Was it already a University when you graduated? I too tried to get my son interested in Southern when he started looking at schools, but for some reason, he decided to go for the smaller 2-year school first… i guess having never been away from home, and having grown up his entire life IN Athens, surrounded by UGA stuff, he felt it would be nice to get “away from the university atmosphere” for a while…now he finds Cochran (Middle Georgia) VERRRRRRRY boring, and in fact has made the comparision of Athens to Cochran the topic of his writing course assignments… it was difficult to take him even 3 hours away, leaving him in the old dormitory to make his way alone … but proud, because he’s the first grandchild of my parents to head off to college… i cannot imagine having to leave him further away… although i know in my heart it’s time to let the “kids” go and make their own way, there is a piece of me that holds onto that apron string as well… perhaps afraid that if i let go entirely, so will he?
anyway… I graduated from Southern in ‘70, and it’s indeed changed a lot from my days there… I’m not sure sure “university” will ever be able, in my mind, to be associated with the Eagles… it’ll always be Georgia Southern College, you know, Statesboro…Alman Brothers…Statesboro Blues…”
You child will do well, and reflect well on the values you have given him in life, I have no doubt… thanks for letting me ramble a bit about my own situation!
Peace!
By Don
September 12, 2005 11:01 AM | Link to this
It is so nice to know other parents share the same pain I felt when my son left home.
It’s interesting how society focuses on the pain and heartache of watching one’s child leave for the first day of kindegarten, sad eyes, long faces, and Mom, or Dad, feeling like they have lost their most prized possession.
But they don’t mention the heartache that comes after 18-19 years of , thankfully for me, a close, loving, although at times aggravating, friendship.
Thank goodness my son turned out to be twice the man I’ll ever be. Thank goodness we had a close, familial relationship.
Although it hurts everyday - I am thankful because so many don’t have an oportunity to share a full 18 years of childhood!
By Beth Kidd
September 12, 2005 11:08 AM | Link to this
Linda, I graduated in ‘03. Southern IS a great school. They have built wonderful dorms since I was there. Athens was too close to home for me too. If your son is unhappy at Cochran, tell him to give Statesboro the old college try. Its no Athens, but it is growing. I met my husband there…
By Zach Houston
September 12, 2005 11:53 AM | Link to this
I also remember those hot summer days in the ‘Boro. I moved into Dorman Hall in the Fall of ‘99, and it all happened so fast. Next thing I knew, after my parents left I was on the way to Savannah with my new roomie and some friends. I graduated in ‘03, and am proof that you can graduate from Southern and have fun at the same time. (BTW, Hey Beth!!)
Good luck to your son, seems as though he’s headed in the right direction!
By Linda R.
September 12, 2005 11:54 AM | Link to this
Jim:
I am currently visiting schools with my son. We went to a school yesterday, and I hurt so much…
I have put in “YEARS” of hard work, preparing him for a day… when I too will drop him off at a college.
I know that it is the next logical step. I knew from day one that this day would come.
I am crying as I write this. Tears of happiness, tears of sadness, tears for so many things that I can’t necessarily verbalize. So many fond memories. He is my first born!
Believe me, I fully understand that “Our children belong to us, but they don’t.”
By MissHeavenSong
September 12, 2005 12:33 PM | Link to this
Be thankful he’s gone to college and not off to the military fighting in a war that “should not” be going on. My best wishes to Zach - Good Luck bring home straight A’s & graduate with Honors!
By Linda Peck Thonnesen
September 12, 2005 01:05 PM | Link to this
Beth… laughs that’s where i met my husband too… but he was sort of a local boy, being from just down the road in savannah, with ties to Pembroke in Bryan county… we moved to Atlanta when I graduated, and have never looked back…dang mosquitos were too big for ME! I’m proud that my son had the ahhhhh… intestinal fortitude, if you will… to stick to his guns about where HE wanted to go and not feel he was obligated to go somewhere he just wasn’t interested… Who knows, after 2 years in Cochran, maybe he’ll want to come home, maybe not… and I’ll be supporting him either way (Heh…after 2 years having the house my way, maybe i’ll cry if he wants to come home!!! kidding … it’s rough watching them go off to school, or to join the military as his older brother did (he was in the first gulf war)… what may be even harder is to watch the youngest graduate without a plan of any sort and having to sit back and let him find his own future without momma directing traffic… and trust that he WILL make it in the end…
to all of us, parents, grandparents, and parents-to-be… i was once told that “Trusting Parents is the greatest gift you can give a child.” It took a lifetime of raising 3 boys to understand that didn’t necessarily mean trusting THEM… but trusting in something for them!
Peace!
By Perry Walden
September 12, 2005 03:31 PM | Link to this
I, too, feel your angst. My oldest son has been gone now for about a month. Thank God he’s still in the state! He’s been home once and won’t be back again until after the 2nd weekend in October. I am trying to limit myself to one call a week but I find so many things I want to tell him. So far, I’ve done OK. However, I’ve rediscovered a lost art. I have committed myself to writing him at least once a week. That way, I can still share things at home with him plus, it gives him somthing to get out of his campus mailbox.
By Linda Peck Thonnesen
September 12, 2005 04:02 PM | Link to this
something my son and i are considering… a journal that we write in and mail back and forth… the only rule is that what you write has to be relevant … mom really doesn’t need to know the DETAILS of going out with the boys last friday… but it’s nice that he feels comfortable telling me that he went out with the boys… [that’s a hypothetical, but i think you see what i mean]… later on, when he has a child growing up, it might be interesting for him to see what was important to him during these years, and how well…or NOT well… i reacted as a parent to his world… it’s been fun so far!
good luck and hang in there! (tho’ you might want to consider a family plan cell phone and keep the lines open for anytime calls)
By LK
September 12, 2005 04:12 PM | Link to this
Yes, it is a bittersweet moment. We dropped our son off at Georgia College & State Univ. a month ago and it was a very sad and proud moment. We were sad to have him take the first steps to leaving our home for good, proud that he’s a fine young man who is well prepared for his next steps in life.
My husband and I talked about what it was like when we were dropped off at college. Neither one of us gave a second thought to how hard it was for our parents - we were so excited and nervous to be embarking on our adventure.
Our son’s senior year was filled with a lot of sadness as we watched so many lasts…last football game, last spring break vacation, last week of school etc.
We talk to him or e-mail a couple of times each week. You can see and hear him changing and growing. We’re so proud and so sad.
By janet
September 12, 2005 09:43 PM | Link to this
i read your article today and was reminded of my sister’s(also a GA Southern alum) trek to OU to take her only child, Patrick, to start his freshman year August 2004. Patrick’s roots run deep in Oklahoma, although he was born and raised a Georgian. His father’s family are original Sooners. he was 3rd generation to attend OU. Patrick threw himself into the Sooner nation, becoming a Beta Theta Pi, and a Ruf/Nek the guys who charge onto the football field with the Sooner Schooner and the guys you see on the sidelines with the cool shot guns they fire when OU scored. He was voted most spirited in the Beta house in charge of bringing back the tradition of “tradition” to his Beta brothers. He trained as a triathlete, and devoted time to his academics as well. I believe a 3.5 fall semester.not too shabby for a freshman with all the extracurriculars. My ramble in this is; his excitement of exams in late april, the excitement of his return home to his mom who finally adapted to his being gone, after that trip to Norman in August. Patrick was hit and killed by a train while on a run on campus April 3. You said you have 18 years to prepare for their departure to school, out of state no less, but you never are prepared for the fact they may never come home. My son, Patrick’s cousin, will go to college fall 2006, I’ve learned to let go a little bit more in the last 5 months. each of the other posts have great advice, cell phones, mail in the box.
I pray your son Zach will have a great year at school and will be back home with you next spring. sounds like ya’ll have a good relationship and you’ve taken the giant step of letting go, even if just a littlebit. your last sentence said it all, Our children belong to us, but they don’t.
By Brenda
September 13, 2005 08:24 AM | Link to this
I feel your pain. Both my kids chose schools 10 and 13 hours away. I am so proud of them that they had the strength and courage to go where they knew noone because they were the best schools for them. They have blossomed. My son, too, looked at Indiana. What a wonderful school..we both felt that it had a feeling of home, of serenity, and just what you would want from a college experience. We both loved it. He was admitted to several schools including Indiana but he found that for his studies another College was the better fit for what he is studying, but it was the last hour before he chose it over Indiana. I know your son will love it and do well, and that is what we all want for our kids…but I can tell you it does not really get easier for us, the parents to have to say goodbye each year. And I know it is hard for everyone who takes their kids off to college, but they have no concept of the feeling that we who have them so far away with no opportunity to run over for lunch as we would if they are somewhere in the state. It is a feeling of total loss and heart ache that is unmatched. But the pride of their strength and accomplishment is overwhelming as well.
By Julie Oberdorfer
September 13, 2005 09:03 AM | Link to this
Jim- I so enjoyed reading your column on Sandy Springs. It’s definitely not “Leave it to Beaver’s” neighborhood anymore. We are just beginning to look at colleges for our daughter. You got an earlier start on the kids than we did. Glad you are enjoying your life. Are you with the Sandy Springs radio station?
By Karen Armsby
September 13, 2005 09:21 AM | Link to this
Jim, Our parental separation anxiety is much worse than our kids’ anxiety and it does hurt. But we want them to be happy on their own at college, and with time you will ache less and be so happy that your son is maturing into an independent adult. Consider the alternative, that the child is miserable at school, misses you, and moves back home!
I have a daughter in her second year of grad school at Rice, a junior daughter at Georgia Tech and a sophomore son at UGA. I sobbed when I left my oldest the first day at Tech, and I work in Atlanta and saw her frequently! But it was easier to leave the second and the third that first day at their dorms, and we have developed a new kind of comfortable and grown up relationship with our kids.
Neil M. above said what we have found, you still have impact and importance as a parent in your college child’s life. My son called me late last Saturday night after the Georgia game to tell me about his fraternity activities, his classes, and apartment life. We had a wonderful talk and I know that we have a solid relationship that will grow as he goes through college and beyond.
Use e-mail, IM, and in network cell phone plans to keep in touch. Let your freshman call you, which may not be as much as you need to hear from him, but he will call more later as he settles into his independence.
By Natalie
September 13, 2005 10:03 AM | Link to this
I am not a parent yet so I can’t say I completly understand. However, my parents felt the same heartache when I left for college ten years ago even though I chose a school an hour away from home. The next four years for your son will possibly be some of the best years of his life. The one thing that happens while we are at college is that our parents become our friends which in return is a more rewarding relationship. When he graduates you can only pray that he misses the southern charm of Atlanta and chooses to start his career here.
By Aubrey Kinnaman
September 13, 2005 02:22 PM | Link to this
I just want to congratulate your son on making an excellent college choice. I grew up in Marietta, GA. After one visit to IU, I knew that was the place to be. I was a music major and it has the best program in the country. I graduated last year and returned home to Atlanta. My husband is also an IU grad and is from Bloomington. It is an incredibly diverse campus and city with unparalleled opportunities. I hope he enjoys his time there. I hope he loves Bloomington as much as I did.
By Samantha
September 13, 2005 04:28 PM | Link to this
Jim,
Next year I will send my daughter out into the real world. I don’t think that you can ever really prepare for this moment. You just have to pray that you raised them well and will do what is right. I can only hope that I will be as brave as you next year when its my turn.
By A Very Proud Mom
September 13, 2005 09:28 PM | Link to this
I sympathize with you and all of your readers that this is a most difficult time in your life. Your mind spins in circles as you try to figure out what happened to those 18 years! When the time came for me to say goodbye, I cried hystericallyâ€â€?my three-pound baby was leaving home! Even though I read the book that GA Tech recommended for parentsâ€â€?Letting Go, it didn’t help as I knew what the book was trying to tell me. Then you think, he will come home every weekend! Every weekend – forget it! Studying takes precedence over coming home even though you remind him that you really need to wash his clothes, and feed him. Then, there are football games, friends getting together on weekends, and once a girl is involved, parents rate about a ten on the list. It wasn’t any easier when my second son left, or when my third son left, or when my 4th son left for college two years early. All of my sons are still in college/grad school, and I still miss them being at home every day; I always will. I have very vivid memories of my children when they were growing up, and I have started writing stories about them. Writing allows me to re-live those funny, wonderful moments with my children. Of course, my children think I am crazy for doing this. The saddest of all moments is not your child leaving for school, but leaving for Iraq. The day we said goodbye was the day I felt my heart breakâ€â€?trust me, there is such a feeling. I anxiously await my son’s return in May of 2006. Oh, by the way, Instant Messenger is the easiest way for me to keep up with my sons—even with my son in Iraq.
By Linda Burke
September 13, 2005 09:35 PM | Link to this
Jim, sounds like you did a wonderful job raising your son because you took the time to go to the counselor and talk about his colleges, you didn’t make him do it on his own by himself. My son, elected to join the Navy when he turned 18 and it was very hard to take him to the recruiter station and wave goodbye to him and knowing he was going to a strange state up north, Chicago to be exact and be actually on his own not knowing what to expect from the Navy. Well, he made it through boot camp and A school for his training IT. I am proud to say he has turned into a fine United States Military man who has a lot of confidence and pride in himself and and is proud to serve this great country that we live in today. His plans are to attend college and make a career with the Navy. As a single parent, i have to say i couldn’t be more proud of my son that I am today and if we raise our kids right they will make the right choices and keep focused on their goals. My son didn’t have a dad around to help him because he died when matt was 7 so I know when the time comes for him to settle down he will be a great father and husband and i can only say I raised him right. good luck with your son, im sure he will make you proud of him.
By Priscilla McRee
September 13, 2005 10:40 PM | Link to this
Tears are streaming down my face as I read your article. My best friend’s daughter just started at the University of SC and was tragically taken from them this w/e in a horrific car accident. Keep telling your son how much you love him and how very proud you are of him.
By Don
September 14, 2005 06:16 AM | Link to this
5:15 Dropped the kid off in front of his college dormitory.
5:20 What kid?
By Roger
September 14, 2005 09:16 AM | Link to this
Jim, my wife and I went through the same experience at UGA. However, after a week and a half E.T. had not called home and we were frantic. E.T. was having fun. He was going to school,playing in the band, making new friends and his day is now.The wife and me realized that we missed him, but he has a life before him. After going to a couple of ballgames, heck I’m even jealous!
By Don's kid
September 14, 2005 10:03 AM | Link to this
5:15 Dad dropped me off in front of my college dormitory.
5:20 What Dad? What goes around comes around
By Don
September 14, 2005 11:26 AM | Link to this
Absolutely. I wish you the best!
By Beads
September 14, 2005 01:07 PM | Link to this
I’m a college professor who gets the benefit (mostly) of your good work. Best thing I can say is give ‘em wings so we can help them fly. They need to know the nest is still there, but staying in it holds them back. PS:MBA IU, 1980.
By Don
September 14, 2005 01:53 PM | Link to this
Tell that to the empty nesters again.
By Chris
September 14, 2005 02:24 PM | Link to this
It was a matter of time before I got the BIG TALK. After he paid my 1st quarter tuition, he pulled me into the stairway and told me to have fun and that he was only paying for 4 years. Anything after 4 years was on me. I was 1 quarter short, guess you had to pay.
By Bill Berry
September 14, 2005 03:37 PM | Link to this
Truer words than are often spoken among men.
I too “let one grow” this fall. Left him in his dorm at UGA…waiting to meet a roomate he did not know.
He has grown, and I have accepted the fact that he is beconing the man I hoped he would…still doesn’t make it any easier huh.
Thanks for framing the feeling
By Ken A.
September 15, 2005 04:07 PM | Link to this
Reading some of the comments on our kids getting older and yes, us getting older too, I pondered the idea of what the real concern was regarding our kids getting out on their own.
As a stepfather I have two that are venturing out in the college world this year. Yes, I understand that there is a considerable amount of concern and not wanting to let go involved with saying the goodbyes to our kids and the hellos to our new young adults. I think that is where we have our biggest problem - “letting go”.
Despite the number of years it has taken us to get them this far there’s still that little part that wants back the little babies we brought home from the hospital.
Cheer up, don’t get all mushy on me. The truth is that as parents despite all the books we read on parenting we still were just winging it and learning as we went along. The true test as to whether we’ve done our job right is how they turn out when college is over and they go forth to make their mark in the world.
I’m sure most of us will be pleased at the results we see in the coming years.
By don
September 15, 2005 05:22 PM | Link to this
Just hope he doesn’t come home for spring break and tells you he’s joining the Marines-like mine did.
Heckuva thing, though. He went through Parris Island and is now back in college. Some kind of program I don’t know too much about. But at least he’s not going Over There any time soon!
And guess what. Your heart will still ache when he’s 30 and goes “home” if he’s not living in your town.
You’ve done all you can do. Now it’s his turn.
Good luck.
By Leisa
September 16, 2005 10:15 AM | Link to this
My eyes welled up with tears as I read your article. I took my daughter to college last year and all the way home, I thought of how fast the last 18 years had flown by. Amazing. However, there is one good thing to tell you. Next year, it is a lot easier to make that drive! I promise.
By L Williams
September 16, 2005 11:23 AM | Link to this
I beg to differ with you new parent. My daughter lived with me through her college years, through her master level years, and continued to live with me until she married at the age of 25. So if anyone wanted to suffer the empty nest syndrome, it would have been me. Be happy they are gone. Six years down the road, or maybe sooner, the grand kids will take their place.
Goodbye.
By Paul Drwiega
September 16, 2005 12:20 PM | Link to this
What a mix of feelings played in my heart when I dropped my son, my “man-child” off at Northwestern this week.
“Be good” was all I could manage. We hugged. I was grateful for the growing darkness that evening; it hid the tears in my eyes. The cicadas couldn’t drown my wife’s quiet crying as we drove away though. It was tough. I’m told that weddings are easier than dropping a son or daughter off at college, simpler emotionally, and cheaper (at least compared to Northwestern). It does get easier (I have another son at Clemson in his 2nd year). With my second and last child, this college drop-off has aged me emotionally, more in one day than in the previous ten years…
By Dude Law
September 16, 2005 05:34 PM | Link to this
Congrats—- now your son has to pay out of state tuition—-GT is a top 10 public school—- Indiana is what???? 90th?
By lonely mom
September 17, 2005 12:46 AM | Link to this
The tears are flowing as I read these comments. I dreaded the day my house would be empty of my son and his friends for two years……but I didn’t really notice the big day at all as my father lay dying of cancer. In the midst of his painful death, the only comfort I found was that I didn’t have the energy to grieve my son’s leaving for college. For those of you doing this for the first time, it does get easier a little each day ….. you will one day realize your son or daughter will always need you no matter how old they get or how far away they move…..so keep your chins up but your tissues handy
By Nancy Knauff Kemp
September 17, 2005 07:09 AM | Link to this
Our girls are 5 years apart. The oldest chose Berry College after we spent a summer vacation traveling the Southeast and visiting a number of colleges and university. She didn’t want my alma mater- Ga Southern (‘72 Industrial Arts Education) or her father’s- Southwestern (‘71 History). The youngest opted for MTSU when it was her turn. That 8 hour trip from South Georgia left us with a very empty nest but not a dab of sadness or regret. We raised two very smart, independent young women who are now happily and successfully employed (oldest in Atlanta and youngest in Nashville, TN) in their major areas of PR and Recording Industry respectively.
Their dad and I did what every set of empty nest parents should do- thrill to the new direction our relationship with our adult daughters has taken and the success they enjoy; make the most of the freedom to enjoy our newfound relationship with each other; take the time to travel and enjoy the things we couldn’t do as often when they were little; and revel in the absolute delight of peeking into our wallets and actually seeing CASH! We have felt that way since we dropped them off at college. No regrets.
They are happy. They are confident. They are making happy successful lives for themselves. We did our job raising them and they think we did it pretty darn well. I do too.
By Jim Osterman
September 17, 2005 11:43 AM | Link to this
Folks:
From the bottom of my heart I thank all you parents who chimed in with your experiences.
May God bless our college kids.
By Steven
September 18, 2005 07:15 PM | Link to this
You think losing one son is something try losing two. One traveling the world not knowing where he is except on a ship somewhere between Spain and the USA and the other in Roswell, New Mexico and not being allowed to telephone home. You don’t know which one to miss the most so miss them both equally and wonder is the youger one going to be Okay without the older brother. You just hope they both listened to what you always told them. Whatever you do be safe about it.